In this document, I will introduce several changes to this game.
Yup.
I will introduce:
New General Weapon & Armor Upgrades
New Shield Upgrades (Protoss)
New Unit Specific Weapons & Armor Upgrades
New Unit Upgrades
New Building Upgrades
I will even introduce a – BRAND NEW – mechanism that would enable many new rushes and timing attacks.
Yes.
The ability to sacrifice “Max Supply” for resources.
Yes. No joke.
I have a confession to make. I have watched WAY too much professional Starcraft 2 on Youtube in my days.
The absolute best games are:
Early Rushes (“Cheese”)
Timing Attacks
–or an active mid-game battle with 50-70 Workers.
This mechanism would benefit aggressive players, and these games are also the most popular to watch.
It is a WIN-WIN!
I really do think so.
General Unit Upgrades
All races in Starcraft 2 have 3 levels of unit upgrades to the attack damage and armor.
Level 1
Level 2
Level 3
Protoss also have shields, which gives them a third thing to upgrade (but they still have three levels).
I would add two new levels. Creating 5 Levels of upgrades – instead of 3 Levels.
Level 1
Level 2
Level 3
Level 4
Level 5
This would give this game a whole new depth. It would allow for specialized strategies – that revolve around getting key upgrades – before attacking.
This clearly already exists, but it would allow for a higher variety in this regard. Especially in the mid-game – and late game.
But remember that the cost – and time – of each upgrade increases every single step. This gives you something to do in the deep late game.
This change would apply to air units as well, for all three races.
Unit Specific Upgrades
I would like to introduce a new concept.
This new concept enables a Starcraft 2 player to upgrade specific unit types.
A Protoss player could upgrade their Zealots or Stalkers – for example.
This upgrade would cost half as much as a normal weapons/armor upgrade. It would also take half as long. It would also be half as powerful.
Unit type upgrades would be located within the building that produces that unit. This means that no additional buildings will be required to make this change.
Each unit type will have 5 Upgrades to their Weapons & Armor.
Level 1: Weapon/Armor
Level 2: Weapon/Armor
Level 3: Weapon/Armor
Level 4: Weapon/Armor
Level 5: Weapon/Armor
With this change, each unit will have:
5 General Weapon Upgrades
5 General Armor Upgrades
5 Unit Specific Weapon Upgrades
5 Unit Specific Armor Upgrades
For example, a fully upgraded Marine will get +5 Damage from the normal weapons upgrade, and +2.5 Damage from the unit specific upgrade.
That is +7.5 Damage in total.
The unit specific upgrades are half as strong – as the general upgrades. This applies across the board for all units – and all races.
The cost – and time – will usually be half of the general upgrade.
This would enable Terran to create an upgrade spike where their Marines/Marauders have one normal weapons and armor upgrade, and two unit specificweapons and armor upgrades.
This would give Marines +2 Damage and +2 Armor. This would be a powerful spike. Especially with Stim Pack and Combat Shield!
For real.
I really mean it!
These upgrades would give each individual unit in the whole game a new series of power spikes, in direct relation to their unit specific upgrades.
Which, in this case, are:
5 Unit Specific Weapon Upgrades
5 Unit Specific Armor Upgrades
New Unit Upgrades
I will also add many new unit upgrades to the game.
You know how Marines have Combat Shield and Marauders have Concussive Shell?
In my Game Update, Combat Shield would get two upgrades. Concussive Shell would – also – get two upgrades. Stim Pack would get two upgrades.
Marauders would get a “Medic” upgrade – which allows them to heal biological units.
Medivacs would get many new upgrades, and actually gain the ability to heal units inside it. With the right upgrades, it would even be able to heal mechanical units.
The Terran player can also create large “Repair Zones” with their Mules, where they automatically repair all mechanical units inside it (at an increased rate).
Already existing skills have been given several upgrades each. New upgrades have up to 5 (!) different levels to upgrade.
A new upgrade with “5 Levels” can be researched, then upgraded four times. An upgrade with “1 Level”, is done the moment it is researched (like most upgrades in Starcraft 2).
I hope that makes sense!
New Building Upgrades
This MASSIVE Game Patch will add new upgrades for many buildings.
In fact, mostbuildings in the game have been given at least – one new – upgrade. Many have been given SEVERAL new upgrades.
Let me give you an example.
Yes.
A “Bunker” can be “Reinforced” to have it scale into the mid-game.’’ This gives it hit points, armor, attack range, and natural regeneration.
Bunkers can also be connected to a “Buddy System” – where they share damage with each other (and get other bonuses!).
A “Supply Depot” can also be “Reinforced” in order to protect your base from attacks. It gets hp, armor, vision, and hit point regeneration.
The “Orbital Command” would get several new upgrades (actually 7!). “Mules” would literally get 3 (!) different upgrades (with several levels each).
SCV’s will actually get several new upgrades (4 in total).
The first increases movement speed and resource collection rate (+9%/+9% at max level).
The second increases hp (+15 hp at max level).
The third gives large groups of SCV’s extra armor (+3 armor at max level).
The fourth upgrade allows up to three SCV’s to build the same building faster (+144% extra building speed at max).
This patch has a lot of new upgrades.
The “Planetary Fortress” will also get several new upgrades. When the upgrades are “maxed out”, this building will gain the ability to move one time.
This allows you to sink a lot of resources into this building. Since you know you can move it to a new base (or a choke point).
A Terran Command Center can even be turned into a “Building Zone” – which is able to construct buildings with its ENERGY!
“Sensor Towers” will get several new upgrades.
Even “Baracks” will get new upgrades. You can turn a Barack into a “Mobile Rock” – that fly around and create choke points all over the map.
This building will have more hp, armor, self-repair, higher movement speed – and the ability to make copies of itself FOR FREE.
Yes. It is awesome.
Terrans can use:
Reinforced Supply Depots
Reinforced Bunkers
Reinforced Baracks
–to create “choke points” all over the map.
We know how much the Marine/Marauder/Siege Tank composition – LOVES – choke points!
The Engineering Bay and Armory would be able to go into “Overdrive” in order to finish upgrades faster (taking damage as a result).
“Missile Turrets” will also get several new upgrades. They will, for example, be able to heal all Terran ships.
This is just Terran.
I have done the same thing for Zerg and Protoss.
All races have many new Unit Upgrades and Building Upgrades.
There is a large amount of new content.
Sacrifice Max Supply
This chapter will outline a new concept that you have not encountered before (because I made it).
According to this concept, your “Maximum Supply”can be “Traded” or “Sacrificed” to gain resources.
You can sacrifice 5 SUPPLY – per MINUTE – that has passed. At 1:01 you can “Sacrifice” 5 Max Supply (down to 195 from 200) for 200 Minerals and 100 Gas.
But the opponent will get half of these resources without sacrificing any of their max supply.
At minute 5:05 you can “Sacrifice” 25 Max Supply (down to 175 from 200). This will give you 1000 Minerals and 500 Gas.
Each Max Supply will give you 40 Minerals – and 20 Gas.
But there is a tradeoff!
Remember that the opponent gets half those resources with changing their max supply. The opponent will get 500 Minerals and 250 Gas in this case.
When you “Sacrifice” Max Supply, both players get a “Map Ping” and a text message that explains what happened. How much supply was traded, and how much each player got.
This is to avoid any confusion.
There is one more thing!
There is a delay of 15 Seconds from the trade until the resources arrive. This will give the opposing player some time to prepare their defenses.
I absolutely do realize that this is a high-risk – high-reward – type of thing. It would CLEARLY have to be TESTED by players of all calibers, to make sure it is BALANCED.
I am aware of that!
But this effect would enable faster:
Rushes
Power Spikes
Timing Attacks
I would like most games to be over before it reaches the second half of late game.
This would open up the game to EXTREMELY aggressive players – who bet EVERYTHING on taking you out early.
Content Overview
This part discusses specific Unit Upgrades and Building Upgrades.
I will present the content in the following order:
Zerg Unit Upgrades
Zerg Building Upgrades
Terran Unit Upgrades
Terran Building Upgrades
Protoss Unit Upgrades
Protoss Building Upgrades
Alright.
Sweet.
Let’s get to it!
Zerg Unit Upgrades
Zerglings
UPGRADE 1: The upgrade “Adrenal Glands” is reworked. This upgrade increases attack speed by +50%.
This upgrade is split into three upgrades. They will give +20%/+40%/+60% attack speed.
Zerglings get +60% Attack Speed at max level. This change gives Zerglings an:
Early Game Spike: +20% (Hatchery)
Mid-Game Spike: +40% (Lair)
Late Game Spike: +60% (Hive)
This upgrade makes Zerglings better in the early game, mid-game, and the late game!
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Tough Meat”. It gives +5/+10/+15 hit points. Three levels. It gives +15 Hit Points at max level (up to 50 from 35).
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Shifty Meat”. It reduces damage from air units by +10%/+20%/+30%. This gives +30% Damage Reduction at max level.
This is a soft counter to Oracles and other air units.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Double Trade”. A Zergling can “Sacrifice” 20% of its max hit points (7-10 hp) in order to gain a “special effect”.
This “special effect” reduces all incoming damage by 50%, and reduces all outgoing damage by 50%. This lasts for 7 seconds.
This allows a Zerg player to use Zerglings as a “Meat Shield” between his army – and the enemy army. These Zerglings will also be strong scouts.
Damage Percentage is ALWAYS calculated AFTER armor reduction. This enables it to reduce the right amount of damage.
Roaches
The problem with Roaches is that they fall off HARD in the mid-gage – and late game!
They are almost – UNUSABLE – in a late game army composition.
I intend to solve this problem.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Durable Gangster”. It has three levels. Each level gives +1 Armor and +20 Hit Points. They get +3 Armor and +60 Hit Points – at max level.
A Roach will have 205 hp (up from 145) and 4 armor (up from 1) – without any other upgrades.
This upgrade has a high impact, so it would be costly, and take some time to research.
The first one would be 200 minerals + 200 gas over 90 seconds.
The second would be 300/300 over 120 seconds.
The third one would be 400/400 over 150 seconds.
This upgrade would make Roaches viable in a late game composition. Especially for a struggling player, since they are cheap (75/25).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Ranger Stalker”. The word “Stalker” is a reference to Roaches ability to harass enemy units. This upgrade gives +1 Attack Range (up to 5 from 4).
Roaches need this upgrade in order to compete with upgraded “Stimmed Bio” – and the famous “Protoss Deathball”!
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Group Swiftness”. Whenever a group of Roaches are together, they gain 0.5% movement speed for each Roach.
5 Roaches = +2.5% Movement Speed
10 Roaches = +5% Movement Speed
20 Roaches = +10% Movement Speed
40 Roaches = +20% Movement Speed
A group cannot gain more than +20% Movement Speed. This ability does not work on creep (or under ground).
When a Roach in this group dies, the group is negatively affected. This penalty is a debuff called “PTSD”.
The first effect is that they gain a “Movement Speed Penalty” for 3 seconds. It is equal to 2x the current movement speed bonus. +20% movement speed – gives a speed penalty of 40% for 3 seconds.
The second effect is that they lose their armor during this time (natural + upgrades).
This upgrade can be upgraded two more times.
The second upgrade reduces the “Movement Speed + Armor Penalty” to 2 seconds.
The third upgrade reduces the “Movement Speed + Armor Penalty” to only 1 second.
#PTSDisfake
#stfu
#notfunny
Queens
Queens will get several important changes and upgrades with this PLUS-SIZED Game Update.
Zerg has a MAJOR problem with anti-air in the early and mid-game (before Hydras and Corrupters).
This is why Zerg was given Ravagers with the expansion, as a “soft counter” to air units. “Corrosive Bile” can damage air units, and forces them to constantly move.
This forces high level Zerg players to rely on the Queen in attack and defense.
I will tackle this issue by turning the Queen into an Offensive – and Defensive – POWERHOUSE.
Please allow me to prove my point.
#whatever
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Big Mama”. There are three levels. They give +25/+50/+75 hp. +75 Hit Points at max level. This gives a Queen 250 hp (up from 175). This is a health increase of 43%.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Ferocious Queen”. It increases attack speed by +5%/+10%/+15%. It also increases damage with +1/+2/+3.
This ability gives +15% attack speed and +3 damage at max level.
The first upgrade might be 100/100 over 60 seconds.
The second upgrade could be 150/150 over 90 seconds.
The third upgrade could be 200/200 over 120 seconds.
This will allow Queens to participate in various timing-attacks. I do not want the Queen to be – “Useless” – in the late game!
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Great Defender”. It gives +1 Attack Rangewhile on creep. This upgrade will have two levels.
The Queen gets +2 Attack Range at max level.
The first upgrade is 150/150 over 90 seconds.
The second upgrade is 300/300 over 180 seconds.
UPGRADE 4: The skill “Transfusion” will be reworked and get two upgrades.
The first upgrade will boost the heal-over-time to 75 (up from 50). The second upgrade will boost it to 100. This would increase the overall heal to 175 (up from 125).
ENEMY UNITS: A Queen can cast this spell on enemy units. 50% of the heal will be converted into damage. It will do 87.5 damage over 7 seconds at max level. The first instance of damage will occur instantly when the skill is cast (there are 7 more “damage ticks” after this).
ENEMY BUILDINGS: This spell can also be cast on enemy buildings. 100% of the heal will convert into damage. The damage will be done evenly over 7 seconds. It will do 175 damage at max level. The first instance of damage will occur right when the spell is cast.
This will allow Queens to take out key enemy structures like Bunkers, Photon Cannons, and Shield Batteries.
ARMOR: Affected units will get -1 Armor for 7 seconds. Buildings will get -2 armor instead.
SURPLUS HEAL: When “Transfusion” is used on a friendly unit with full hit points, their maximum hit points will be increased. There is no technical limit.
When “Transfusion” is used this way, the effect will be instant. At max level, a “Transfusion” will increase a unit’s hit points by +175. This effect will stay with this unit for 14 Seconds.
This means that a Zergling becomes a 210 Hit Point Unit for 14 Seconds after a “Transfuse”, assuming they have full hp before.
This unit also gains +100% Health Regeneration per “Transfuse” that is cast (during these 14 seconds). This amounts to +0.38hp/second per Transfuse.
Individual units can be “Transfused” – and “Beefed up” – before they run in and take 57 TANK SHOTS TO THE FACE!
Sorry – I got a little carried away there.
But this “Surplus Heal” also works on your own buildings. +175 hp for 14 Seconds at max level. This can be used to “Beef Up” specific Spine Crawlers – before the enemy invades your base!
This can also be used to protect key technological structures.
With all these changes, the skill “Transfusion” can do:
Unit Damage
Building Damage
Minus Armor
Increase Maximum Hit Points of Units
Increase Maximum Hit Points of Buildings
That is a lot of changes!
I know. I might have “Cooked This Mental Steak” – a bit TOO LONG!
#justsaying
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Home Team”. This upgrade would give all Queens close to their starting Hatchery +100% hp regen – and +100% energy regen.
There is a secondary effect.
When a Queen casts “Transfusion” on the Hatchery that made her, it is +50% stronger. It will heal for 187.5 hit points instead of 125 (without upgrades).
UPGRADE 6: This upgrade is called “Kamikaze Creep”. A Queen sacrifices herself in order to instantly create a spot of creep in a circle around her.
This circle has 5 Radius. This creep will stay for 15 Seconds (without supporting creep tumors or overlords).
There is a bonus effect. This creep gives +1 Armor and +100% Health Regeneration to all Zerg units (during these 15 seconds).
This upgrade has two levels.
The next level will make the circle 7 Radius and increase its duration to 20 Seconds. The bonus effect is doubled. It gives +2 Armor and +200% Health Regeneration during 20 Seconds.
This upgrade presents another method to create creep in the enemy base (other than Overlords)!
What’s – so bad – about having OPTIONS?
#justsaying
#stopthat
UPGRADE 6: The skill “Create Creep Tumor” will get an update. Each creep tumor made by the Queen will automaticallycreate an extra creep tumor in the same direction.
This effect can be turned off.
UPGRADE 7: The skill “Spawn Larva” will get an update. This skill can be set to “Autocast”. If so, any Queen position by a Hatchery/Lair/Hive will inject it with larva automatically every 25 seconds.
Upgrade 6 + 7: These are “Quality of Life” changes for Zergs. It frees up a player’s mind to actually enjoy the game. “Creep Spread” and “Larva Injects” aren’t the most exciting part of playing Starcraft 2.
This change would actually increase the quality of professional Starcraft 2 matches – since the Zerg player would have more “attention” to manage the army.
It would be well-received across all levels of play, in my HUMBLE OPINION!
There are only 22 Zergs among the Top 100 Players Globally. There are 27 Terran. There are 52 Protoss.
Terran isn’t “weak”. But Terran requires very high levels of “Micro” from the player, which deters some people from playing this race.
Corruptors
Corruptors are one of few Zerg units that are strong against air units!
Let’s not pretend I am wrong on this one.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Fat Corruption”. There are four levels. It gives Corruptors +25/+50/+75/+100 hp. This gives them +100 Hit Points at max level (up to 300 from 200).
UPGRADE 2: The spell “Caustic Spray” is given three upgrades.
The first upgrade makes the “Caustic Spray” target a secondary building nearby. It will pick the closest building, whatever it is.
The second upgrade will make the “Caustic Spray” target another building, a third building.
The third upgrade will make it target a fourth building.
This will make “Caustic Spray” target four buildings at max level!
BUILDING HEALING: I will change “Caustic Spray” so that it could heal friendly buildings at 35% efficiency. This only works on the primary target.
TARGET GROUND: I would also enable “Caustic Spray” to target the ground. This will put a “Green Slime” on the ground which provides vision, slows enemies, and does damage over time.
The duration of this “Green Slime” equals the time put into it. If 1 Corruptor spends 20 Seconds putting it there, it will be there for 20 Seconds.
If 10 Corruptors spend 10 Seconds putting it there, it will stay there for 100 Seconds (10×10=100).
This “Green Slime” gives vision, a 35% Slow, and 5 Damage/Second.
When friendly units stand on top of this “Green Slime”, they get +17.5% Movement Speed, and get a +2.5 Health Regeneration.
This “Green Slime” can be a suitable “Escape Path” for an invading ground army in the opponent’s base.
The area covered is a Radius 5 circle.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Flying Authority”. This upgrade will give corruptors +1 Attack Range (7 up from 6).
There is a secondary effect.
Corruptors will get +1 Attack Range and +6 Damage on their next attack – if they have not attacked within the last 30 Seconds.
This is a useful ability for taking down large ships like Carriers, Tempests, Battlecruisers, and the Mothership.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Slimy Cannon”. It will enable the Corruptor to launch a long-distance organic missile. Range 12.
This will do 100 damage over 10 seconds.
VISION: It will give vision over the area around the target for the duration.
ENEMY BUILDINGS: It will do +100 damage to buildings (200 over 10 seconds). The cooldown will be 30 seconds.
COST: The downside is that this long distance attack would do 50 damage to the Corruptor itself. It will take 2 seconds to cast.
FRIENDLY BUILDINGS: This ability can target friendly buildings. When this organic missile targets a friendly building, this building gains a “buff” and a “debuff”.
THE BUFF: The “buff” causes 1 + 1% max hp regeneration per second for 15 seconds. This affects both friendly buildings and units.
THE DEBUFF: The “debuff” causes enemy units and buildings to take 1 + 1% max hp as damage per second for 15 seconds.
There will be a visual indicator around the affected building that shows a bright orange slime on the ground. The area covered will be Range 5 around the building.
Any unit that dies from this condition will “infect” any friendly unit nearby. They will take 1 + 1% max hp as damage per second for 15 seconds.
Buildings that die from this effect will also infect other nearby buildings.
STACK: Several instances of “Slimy Cannon” to friendly buildings will stack over time. Each “Organic Missile” after the first will extend the duration by another +15 seconds.
Four instances will create an effect duration of 60 seconds (15 + 15 + 15 + 15 = 60).
SUMMARY:
When targeting enemy Units + Buildings this ability will simply do damage over time (100 vs 200 over 10 seconds).
When targeting friendly Buildings, however, it will generate a hp regeneration “aura” that boosts all friendly units and buildings (by 1 + 1% max hp per second for 15 seconds).
Enemy Units + Buildings will be damaged by the same amount (that is 1 + 1% max hp per second for 15 seconds).
It doesn’t suck to be able to release an “Organic Yamato Cannon” from your body!
Even if it hurts.
Lurkers
UPGRADE 1: Lurkers have an upgrade called “Seismic Spines” which gives them +2 Attack Range. I will turn this upgrade into three upgrades/levels. Each level gives +1 Attack Range. They will give +1/+2/+3 Attack Range.
This first upgrade (+1) would give Lurkers an early game power spike.
The second upgrade (+2) would make them about the same in the mid-game.
The third upgrade (+3) would give them a late game power spike.
Lurkers would have 11 Attack Range at max level (up from 10).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Shadow Beast”. It gives Lurkers +20/+40/+60 hp. For a total of +60 Hit Points when maxed out (this gives them 260 up from 200).
There is a secondary effect.
This upgrade also gives +30%/+60%/+90% health regeneration. This translates to +0.34 hp regen/second at max level.
However!
The health regeneration boost is – DOUBLED – when they are burrowed. Effectively giving them a +180% health regeneration boost.
This gives them a 1 hp regen/second while burrowed.
This gives them 0.7 hp regen/second when not burrowed.
All Zerg units and buildings naturally regenerate at 0.38 hp/second (in case you WONDERED!).
This upgrade encourages a Zerg player to use their Lurkers ACTIVELY, since they regenerate health quickly.
Changes that encourage – AGGRESSION – is generally a positive thing (I know that sounds bad!).
Sorry about that.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Air Defense”. This upgrade reduces the damage Lurkers take from air units by +10%/+20%/+30%. This is a soft counter to air units.
This gives +30% Damage Reduction – at max level.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Lone Wolf”. It boosts the stats of any Lurker who is by itself. This Lurker gains +1 attack range, +25% attack speed, +1 armor, and 1 hp regen, and +2 sight (12 up from 10). This Lurker gains Detection Range 7.
No other friendly unit – or building – can be within Range 20 of this Lurker (if so the bonus disappears). With this upgrade, Lurkers can burrow themselves all over the map for vision – and harassment.
This “Super Lurker” – would be able to take out small bands of units. Especially workers – and scouting units.
If the Lurker stays burrowed on the exact same location for 120 seconds, the bonuses are doubled. This gives it +2 attack range, +50% attack speed, +2 armor, and 2 hp regen, and +4 sight. This Lurker will also gain Detection Range 14.
This Lurker will be STRONG.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Spinal Destruction”. It increases damage by +2/+4/+6. This upgrade gives +6 Damage at max level (up to 30 from 24).
This damage upgrade will help Lurkers scale into the late game. Lurkers are strong in the mid-game (SURE!), but they tend to fall off in the late game.
Mutalisks
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Durable Tissue”. It gives Mutalisks +10/+20/+30 hp. It gives +30 Hit Points when maxed out (up to 150 from 120).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Speedy Dragon”. It gives +3%/+6%/+9% movement speed. +9% when maxed out.
UPGRADE 3: The third upgrade is called “Dodgy Creature”. It reduces damage taken by Photon Cannons/Spore Crawlers/Missile Turrets by +10%/+20%/+30%. Three levels. So +30% Damage Reduction at max level.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Glaive Destruction”. It increases damage by +1/+2/+3. Three levels. +3 Damage at max level (up to 12 from 9).
These upgrades will help Mutalisks scale into the late game. Right now, Mutalisks are mostly used for harassment of workers.
Hydralisks
Hydralisks will be given 3 (!) NEW UPGRADES. Another level is added to the skill “Grooved Spines” – which increases attack range.
Sweet.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Tough Matter”. It gives +10/+20/+30 hp. So +30 hit points at max level. This gives them 120 hit points (up from 90).
UPGRADE 2: Their upgrade “Grooved Spines” increases attack range by +1. I will give it another upgrade. This upgrade will increase Hydra attack range by +1. This means +2 Attack Range (up to 8 from 6) at max level.
The first upgrade will be 150/150 over 80 seconds.
The second upgrade will be 300/300 over 160 seconds.
Attack range has a very large impact in Starcraft 2. It might be the single most important metric in battle.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Relentless Spitter”. It increases attack speed by +5%/+10%/+15%. So +15% at max level.
Hydras did get a 8% attack speed nerf a couple years ago! Zerg was never the same after that.
Just kidding.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Change of Mind”. It is a mobility upgrade. It will give Hydras a 75% movement speed bonus for 0.75 seconds – instantly after they change direction.
The change has to be at least 120 degrees, for it to activate. It has a 10 second cooldown. It starts off on autocast, but it can be manually activated.
When a group of Hydras move forward, then turn around and go backwards, they make a 180 degree turn. This will activate this ability. But even moving backwards at a slight angle will activate it, since it activates at 120+ degrees.
This ability would not require any additional “Micro” from the player. It is easy to use – and manage. The natural movement pattern of Hydras is to move forward – and backwards.
This is how the Roach/Hydra army is controlled.
A secondary effect is that Hydras gain +1 armor during this movement speed boost of 0.75 seconds.
This upgrade also gives Hydras a permanent movement speed bonus of +3.25%. This effect is increased by +1.75% (up to +5%) when they are off creep.
It is time to make Hydras GREAT AGAIN!
Drones
Drones will get several new upgrades.
Here we go!
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Tough Worker”. It increases the TOTAL hit points of all Drones by +1 for every minute passed in the game
It does work retroactively – but maxes out at minute 45. This would give each drone +45 hit points for a total of 90 hit points (up from 45).
It costs 350/350 and takes 120 seconds.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Elephant Skin”. It gives all drones +1 Armor. It costs 300/300 and takes 120 seconds.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Happy Camper”. It gives a drone a +10% Movement Speed boost when carrying 8 Minerals.
Three levels. +30% Movement Speed at max level. Does not apply to gas. Resource collection rate is not affected.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Gassed”. It affects an individual drone. It costs 50 minerals and takes 0.5 seconds.
This effect will double the amount of gas collected (16 up from 8). It will spend the same amount of time inside the assimilator.
But the drone will die after 20 Trips. It will have collected 320 Gas at this point.
This upgrade allows you to speed up gas collection temporarily.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Hide & Seek”. It makes a drone completely invisible for 10 seconds after burrowing. No amount of detection can see it. This effect has a 120 second cooldown. Each drone has its own cooldown.
There are two upgrades.
The first upgrade increases invisibility duration to 15 Seconds.
The second upgrade increases invisibility duration to 20 Seconds.
Overseers
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Durable Overseer”. It gives the Overseer +40/+80/+120 hp. +120 Hit Points at max level.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Flying Regeneration”. It increases the health regeneration of the Overseer by +50%/+100%/+150%. So +150% Health Regeneration at max level.
Zerg units around the Overseer will benefit from 50% of this hp regeneration. This gives them +75% Health Regeneration at max level.
UPGRADE 3: The inherent skill “Oversight Mode” will get three upgrades which increases vision and detection radius. Each upgrade increases it by 10%. Up to +80% (from the original +50%) at max level.
UPGRADE 4: The skill “Contamination” will be adjusted. The mana cost is reduced to 60 from 125. The duration of 30 seconds is the same.
This skill will also do 1% max hp damage/second to the affected building. The skill would stack with itself. An Overseer could cast “Contamination” on a building twice, and infect that building for 60 Seconds (30 + 30). This would do 60% of the building’s max hp as damage (over 60 seconds).
This skill will get one upgrade.
This upgrade will increase the damage to 2% of max hp per second. This means that any building can be demolished with two uses of Contamination (which would do 120% of building damage over 60 seconds).
ENEMY UNITS: This skill can target enemy units. This unit will take 2% of its max hp as damage per second (60% of max hp in total). The affected unit will be slowed by 25% during the entire duration.
FRIENDLY UNITS: This ability can be used on friendly units. It will get a +12.5% movement speed boost. It will also heal 2% of max hp heal/second over 30 seconds (60% of max hp in total).
This ability can be used to harass bases, stop upgrades, halt technological development, boost your own units, or “shut down” key units (with damage + slow).
Ultralisks
UPGRADE 1: I will divide the upgrade “Chitinous Plating” into four upgrades. Each upgrade will give the Ultralisk +1 Armor. This will give +4 Armor at max level.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Tough Beast”. This makes the Ultralisk gain +40/+80/+120 hp. This upgrade has three levels. It gives +120 Hit Points at max level (620 up from 500).
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Physical Deconstruction”. This upgrade increases damage to buildings and units. Three levels
It makes Ultralisks do +15%/+30%/+45% Damage to Buildings. +45% damage at max level.
This upgrade also increases Ultralisk damage to units by +2/+4/+6. So +6 Damage at max level (41 up from 35). This is a +17% damage increase.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Friend Frenzy”. Whenever over 50 Supply of Zerg units die within 15 Range of an Ultralisk over 15 Seconds, they go into a “Frenzy”. This gives them +10 Health Regeneration/Second, +10% movement speed, and +40% attack speed.
This lasts for 15 Seconds.
This upgrade only has one level. This effect can only be triggered – once – per Ultralisk.
There is a secondary effect.
When this effect ends, the Ultralisk will retain half the movement speed – and attack speed bonus. It will retain +5% Movement Speed – and +20% Attack Speed.
It will also retain a +100% Health Regeneration bonus. This is the same as a +0.38hp regen/second bonus. These bonuses will last the rest of the game.
Infestors
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Copy Building”. It gives the Infestor the ability to “Copy” the opponents building, and build it somewhere else.
The cost and building time will be twice as big. When this building is done, the Zerg player can start building units from the opposing race.
These units will inherit the upgrades that were done – when the building was copied.
When this skill is cast, the enemy player gets a “ping” showing them where the skill was cast. The player gets another “ping” when the building starts building.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Armor Manipulation”. This skill gives Zerg units around the Infestor +1 Armor and -1 Armor to enemy units.
This effect is passive. The Range is 10. The Infestor itself will get a double bonus (+2 armor instead of 1).
There is one upgrade.
This upgrade enables the Infestor to cast this spell on friendly Units and Buildings. Units and Buildings within Range 10 get +1 Armor, and enemy Units + Buildings get -1 Armor. Duration is 30 Seconds.
Main target gets double the armor bonus (+1 armor).
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Shady Shield”. It gives the Infestor a shield after they unburrow.
The first level gives the Infestor a 100 Hit Point shield for 10 Seconds – after they unburrow. This effect is automatic. It has a 90 second cooldown.
There are two levels.
The second level gives the Infestor a 200 Hit Point shield for 10 Seconds – after they unburrow. This effect is automatic. It has a 90 second cooldown.
Brood Lords
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Mobile Beast”. It improves the movement speed by +5%/+10%/+15%. Three levels. It gives +15% Movement Speed at max level.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Ultralisk Slingshot”. It would allow a Brood Lord to carry one Ultralisk each (and fly around with them). It can drop them off like normal. It does not affect their movement speed.
But it would also allow them to throw or “sling” them up to 10 units away. Behind enemy buildings, over water, or hills.
Ultralisks thrown this way start losing 2% of their maximum hit points per second (until they die) – but gain 10% movement speed – and 35% attack speed.
A “Slinging Shot” has a 2 seconds loading time. The Ultralisk will spend 1.5 seconds in the air at max range (10).
Keep in mind that Ultralisks themselves have an upgrade which gives them +45% building damage and +17% unit damage (at max level).
This enables Brood Lords to “Sling” these FEROCIOUS BEASTS into the enemy base to cause havoc and confusion.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Ranged Perpetrator”. It gives +1 Attack Range.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Deliberate Destruction”. It increases the damage of Broodlings to Units and Buildings.
Broodlings do +10%/20%/30% Unit Damage.
Broodlings do +20%/40%/60% Building Damage.
There are three levels. They get +30%/60% Damage at max level.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Mobile Sacrifice”. Brood Lords can “jump” to other locations in the map. But it has to be above creep. They take 1% max hp damage per Range traveled. 15 Range means 15% max hp as damage.
This upgrade allows Brood Lords to move at the cost of their health. This ability has a 90 Second cooldown. It introduces a much needed – Mobility Upgrade – to Brood Lords.
They aren’t the fastest creatures in the universe!
Vipers
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Fighting Glory”. It can be used on massive units and buildings. It can boost the stats of your Units and Buildings.
Or it can reduce the stats of enemy Units and Buildings. Costs 50 energy. This upgrade only has one level.
FRIENDLY UNIT: It gives the unit +15% movement speed + 5 armor + 5 hp regeneration for 20 seconds.
FRIENDLY BUILDING: A building will get +5 armor + 10 hp regeneration for 20 seconds.
ENEMY UNIT: It can also be used on enemy units. It will do -5 armor, 5 damage per second, and a 15% slow for 20 seconds.
ENEMY BUILDING: This ability will have the opposite effect on enemy buildings. It will reduce armor by -5 and do 10 damage per second over 20 seconds.
UPGRADE 2: The skill “Abduct” works as normal. But it will be given an upgrade.
This upgrade will enable the skill to move buildings. Both friendly buildings and enemy buildings.
If the Abduct is thrown at max range, the building will be moved 6 Range. If it is thrown at half range, it will be moved 3 Range.
With each move, the next abduct loses 50% effectiveness. Max movement from three Abducts is 6 Range, 3 Range, and 1.5 Range. Down to a minimum of 1. The building can always be moved 1 Range.
Costs 100 energy. Casting time is 5 seconds. The opposing player gets a “ping” when one of their buildings is moved.
Swarm Hosts
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Double Twin”. It will allow Swarm Hosts to combine into one large unit, which is classified as “Massive”. This unit will cost 8 Supply.
It will have 350 hit points and have 2 armor. The locusts it produces will have +50% more hp, +25% more damage, and +25% higher attack speed.
The lifespan is increased to 25 seconds (up from 18) and the flying movement speed is increased by +25%. The locusts are also given +1 attack range.
This will allow a Zerg player to “siege” an enemy much further away than with normal Swarm Hosts.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Dirt Wall”. It gives Swarm Hosts the ability to erect a wall in front of them. This wall has a width of 6 units and depth of 2 units.
It has 100 hp for every minute passed in the game. This wall also gains +1 armor for every 3 minutes passed in the game.
At 15 Minutes this wall would have 1500 hp and 5 armor. This wall lasts for 10 seconds. The cooldown is 60 seconds. The Swarm Host uses up 25% of their max hit points when making this wall.
Swarm Hosts with the “Double Twin” upgrade can cast a wall that is 2 units wider and 1 unit thicker. It will have +25% max hp. The cost will still be 25% of max hp.
It makes sense that Swarm Hosts can make a wall to protect themselves from attacks. Since they are vulnerable to direct attacks.
I don’t want to call them “Organic Siege Tanks”… but I just did =).
Overlords
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Cargo Beast”. It gives increased Cargo, Armor, and Hit Points. There are two upgrades.
The first upgrade gives +1 Cargo, +1 Armor, and +50 Hit Points.
The second upgrade gives Overlord +1 Cargo, +1 Armor, and +50 Hit Points.
The Overlord gets +2 Cargo, +2 Armor, and +100 Hit Points at max level. This gives an Overlord 10 Cargo, 2 Armor, and 300 Hit Points – at max level.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Rushed Cargo”. It gives a fully loaded Overlord a +3%/+6%/+9% movement speed boost. A partially loaded Overlord gets half the speed bonus (+1.5%/+3%/+4.5%).
There is another effect.
Immediately after an Overlord picks up their cargo, their movement speed bonus is doubled for 15 Seconds. This makes it +6%/+12%/+18%.
This effect has a cooldown of 60 Seconds.
This helps Overlords perform speedy drops. It also helps them – ESCAPE – with their army, since they get that +18% Movement Speed boost for 15 seconds.
This effect is set to “Autocast”, but it can be turned off. It can be manually cast.
Banelings
UPGRADE 1: The upgrade “Centrifugal Hooks” upgrade will be split into three upgrades.
They give +0.3/+0.6/+0.9 Movement Speed. It gives +0.9 Movement Speed at max level. This puts the movement speed at 4.4 (instead of 4.13 with Centrifugal Hooks).
This makes them better in the early game and in the late game. Since the first movement speed upgrade hits faster than “Centrifugal Hooks”, and all three upgrades make them faster than with “Centrifugal Hooks” (4.4 vs 4.13).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Organic Demolition”.
BUILDINGS: It increases damage to buildings by +10/+20/+30. Three levels. +30 Building Damage at max level. This makes it 110 up from 80.
ARMORED UNITS: This upgrade also increases damage versus “Armored Units” by +5/+10/+15. +15 Damage at max level.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Thick Skin”. It increases hp by +5/+10/+15. Three levels. +15 Hit Points at max level (this makes it 45 up from 30).
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Armored Lunatic”. It gives all Banelings Armor and Health Regeneration.
The first level gives +1 Armor and +100% Health Regeneration.
The second level gives +1 Armor and +100% Health Regeneration.
Banelings get +2 Armor and +200% Health Regeneration – at max level.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Mad Gamble”. It gives the Baneling +25% Movement Speed and +50% Damage.
But the Baneling takes 3 Hit Points in Damage/Second. A Baneling has 30 Hit Points, so it will live for 10 Seconds.
There are two secondary effects.
These Banelings do “Friendly Fire”. This means that they do full damage to friendly units.
A Baneling in this mode will detonate at the first enemy unit or building it comes into contact with.
Zerg Building Upgrades
Spine Crawler + Spore Crawler
This building upgrade is called “Eternal Bond”.
This upgrade can link a Spine Crawler to a Spore Crawler that are positioned next to each other. It can also link two Spine Crawlers together, or two Spore Crawlers.
This costs 25/25 and takes 10 seconds. The cost and upgrade time will increase with every upgrade. The cost will increase by +10/+10. The upgrade time will increase by +5 seconds. Making the second upgrade 30/30 over 15 seconds. The third upgrade is 35/35 over 20 seconds.
This gives the Spine Crawler/Spore Crawler:
+100 Hit Points (up to 400 from 300)
+1 Armor
+100% Health Regeneration (up to +0.76hp/second from 0.38)
+1 Attack Range (up to 8 from 7)
There is another effect.
They also “Share Damage”. 30% of incoming damage will be sent to the other structure. This damage will in turn be reduced by 30%. This amounts to a total damage reduction of 9% (not much – I know!).
If both buildings are alive after 5 Minutes, they will get the same bonus as the upgrade gave them.
Which is:
+100 Hit Points (up to 500)
+1 Armor
+100% Health Regeneration (up to +1.14hp/second)
+1 Attack Range (up to 9)
Their Shared Damage and Damage Reduction will also be increased by +10% each. This will make it 40%/40%. This amounts to 16% total damage reduction.
If they are alive after another 5 Minutes, they get another round of bonuses. Which is:
+100 Hit Points (up to 600)
+1 Armor
+100% Health Regeneration (up to +1.52hp/second)
+1 Attack Range (up to 10)
Their Shared Damage and Damage Reduction will also be increased by +10% each. This makes it 50%/50%.
They cannot get more bonuses after this.
It takes two buildings 10 Minutes to “Max Out” after being upgraded with the “Eternal Bond” upgrade.
These buildings will have:
+300 Hit Points (up to 600)
+3 Armor
+300% Health Regeneration (+1.52hp/second)
+3 Attack Range (up to 10)
These buildings can be moved, but they unburrow, move, and burrow 50% Slower than normal buildings.
Evolution Chamber + Spire
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Rushed Synthesis”. It will speed up any upgrade within the Evolution Chamber and Spire by 30%. This does 30 Damage per second to the building.
An Evolution Chamber has 750 Hit Points. It will perish after 25 Seconds of this (without heal or regeneration).
This upgrade has three levels. Each level adds another +10% to the processing speed. So it is +50% Processing Speed – at max level.
This ability is toggled on and off, and has no cooldown.
REMEMBER: There is a solution to everything.
See the skill “Biological Regeneration” in the chapter below. This upgrade gives up to +200% hp regeneration to a specific building. It also boosts the hp regeneration of all other buildings in that base.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Durable Upgrades”. It increases the maximum hit points and health regeneration of Evolution Chambers and Spires.
There are five levels.
Each level gives +10% Maximum Hit Points. This is +10%/+20%/+30%/+40%/+50%. This is +50% Maximum Hit Points at max level.
Each level also gives +20% Health Regeneration. This is +20%/+40%/+60%/+80%/+100% Health Regeneration. This is +100% Health Regeneration at max level.
A building gets +50% Maximum Hit Points and +100% Health Regeneration – at max level.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Hivemind Ecstasy”.
It allows for one additional building (Evolution Chamber or Spire) to research the exact same upgrade as the original building.
This will add +100% Research Speed. The cost is 75% when you start upgrading with the second building.
Evolution Chambers and Spires are upgraded seperately. They both have an upgrade called “Hivemind Ecstasy”.
All Zerg Buildings
Here are upgrades that can apply to (almost) all Zerg buildings.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Biological Regeneration”. It is a building specific upgrade, with a local boost to nearby Zerg buildings.
Please note that each building is upgraded individually.
BUILDING SPECIFIC BOOST: This upgrade will increase the natural health regeneration by the building by +50%.
There are four levels. They give +50%/+100%/+150%/+200% Health Regeneration. It gives +200% Health Regeneration at max level.
There is a secondary effect.
Your nearby buildings also benefit from this upgrade.
RANGE 0-10: Any other Zerg building within Range 10 will get 50% of this effect (+100% at max level).
RANGE 11-20: Buildings within Range 11-20 will get 25% of the effect (+50% at max level).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Unbothered Soul”. Any building of yours that does not take damage over the next 5 Minutes will have its maximum hp increased by +5%.
Once upgraded, this effect keeps repeating every 5 Minutes. Although this effect is very slow to build, it does stack with itself, and has no technical limit.
This effect does not affect Spine Crawlers, Spore Crawlers or Main Buildings. It also does not affect the Spire or Evolution Chamber.
It does not work reatroactively.
Hatchery
This upgrade is called “Reinforced Hatchery”. It gives hit points, armor, and health regeneration.
It gives:
+300 Hit Points
+1 Armor
+50% Health Regeneration
“Transfusions” from Queens are +50% stronger on this Hatchery.
If this Hatchery is alive after 5 Minutes, it gets another round of identical bonuses.
They are:
+300 Hit Points
+1 Armor
+50% Health Regeneration
“Transfusions” from Queens are +100% stronger on this Hatchery.
This would be a nice upgrade for “exposed” Hatcheries that get “Gunned Down” – quickly by opposing forces.
Nydus Network
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Flying Tunnels”. It gives the Nydus Network the ability to transport “air units”. A specific Nydus Channel is upgraded for a small fee (in order to gain this ability).
It is able to transport 20 Supply of Air Units. These units take no time to load, but they take a small time to unload.
This upgrade has no effect on land units.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Sacred Queen”. This upgrade gives Queens damage, attack range, armor, and health regeneration – for a limited time.
They get these bonuses the moment they exit the Nydus Network.
There are two levels.
The first level gives:
+1 Damage
+1 Attack Range
+1 Armor
+1 Health Regeneration
This bonus stays with them for 30 Seconds. This effect has a 90 Second cooldown.
The second level gives:
+2 Damage
+2 Attack Range
+2 Armor
+2 Health Regeneration
This bonus stays with them for 30 Seconds. This effect has a 90 Second cooldown.
This upgrade is especially useful for “Queen heavy” Nydus Attacks! This upgrade gives two offensive and two defensive attributes.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Tunnel Armor”. It gives the Nydus Network +2 Armor. This upgrade only has one level.
Terran Unit Upgrades
Remember that all units in this game has:
5 General Weapon Upgrades
5 General Armor Upgrades
5 Unit Specific Weapon Upgrades
5 Unit Specific Weapon Upgrades
This means that each unit has:
10 General Attack Upgrades (5 General + 5 Unit Specific)
10 General Armor Upgrades (5 General + 5 Unit Specific)
The word “Unit Specific” refers to that UNIT TYPE, not that individual unit. This means that ALL UNITS of THAT TYPE are upgraded.
Remember that the “Unit Specific” upgrades are half as strong – as the normal upgrades (or “general upgrades”).
A fully upgraded Marine will have +5 Damage from the general upgrade. It will get another +2.5 Damage from the unit specific upgrade. This gives it +7.5 Damage.
It will have +5 Armor from the general upgrade. It gets +2.5 Armor from the unit specific upgrades. This gives it +7.5 Armor.
Unit specific upgrades are cheaper – and shorter – than normal upgrades.
Keep this in mind!
Marines
UPGRADE 1: Marines have an upgrade called “Combat Shield” – which gives them +10 Hit Points.
I will split this upgrade into four levels. They will give +5/+10/+15/+20 Hit Points.
The first level will be CHEAP and FAST.
The first would be 50/50 over 40 seconds.
The second would be 75/75 over 60 seconds.
The third would be 100/100 over 80 seconds.
The fourth would be 125/125 over 100 seconds.
This gives a Marine +20 Hit Points at max level. This increases their maximum hit points from 45 to 65. That is an increase of 44%!
I want early game units to scale into the mid-game – and even into the deep late game.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Supersoldier”. It turns every 6th Marine into a “Supersoldier” with bonus stats. This Marine gets +1 Damage, +1 Armor, +1 Attack Range, and +1 Sight (vision).
This upgrade has three levels.
The second level turns every 5th Marine into a “Supersoldier”.
The third level turns every 4th Marine into a “Supersoldier”.
There is a secondary effect.
“Supersoldiers” have a slow natural health regeneration of 0.38hp/second (same as Zerg) while on creep. They also gain a +5% Movement Speed bonus (while on creep).
When a Supersoldier uses “Stim Pack”, there is a 1% chance that they die on the spot.
If this happens, their nearby comrades gain a permanent 5% Speed Penalty on creep. They also gain a negative hp regen of -0.38hp/second while on creep.
Some soldiers find these attributes SUSPICIOUS – as if their friends have been “altered” with Alien DNA.
Marauders
Marauders have been given 2 (!) UPGRADES to the “Concussive Shell” upgrade.
Apart from that, they have been given 4 (!) NEW UPGRADES.
The next upgrade is probably my personal favourite in this whole game patch.
I’m not going to lie.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Medic”. This upgrade turns every 6th Marauder into a “Medic” with healing capacity. This Marauder can heal Marines and Marauders. This Marauder also gains +1 Armor.
This heal is activated automatically whenever the Marauder stands still – and does not take damage – for 5 Seconds. The units that are being healed also cannot move – or take damage.
This heal is fairly slow, but it happens automatically whenever the units stand still. It also does not run out of energy (like Medivacs).
The second level turns every 5th Marauder into a “Medic” and it gives them +15 Hit Points (up to 140 from 125). Healing speed has increased by +25%.
The third level turns every 4th Marauder into a “Medic”. It gives them +15 Hit Points (up to 155). It also increases healing speed by +25% (up to +50%).
A “Medic” Marauder will have:
+1 Armor (up to 2 from 1)
+30 Hit Points (up to 155)
+50% Healing Speed
–at max level. “Medics” cannot heal themselves.
This upgrade will relieve those poor “Medivacs” from HEALING DUTY!
This upgrade enables a Terran to “Play Bio” – without “Medivacs”.
Since Terran “Plays Bio” in 90-95% of Professional Play – this is a NEEDED CHANGE!
UPGRADE 2: The upgrade “Concussive Shell” will be given two upgrades.
The first upgrade will increase the strength of the slow to 55% (up from 50%) and increase the duration to 1.65 seconds (up from 1.50).
There is a secondary effect. This effect will work on “Massive” Units. But the effect – and duration – is reduced by 50% (half effect + half duration).
A “Massive” unit will enjoy a 22.5% Slow for 0.825 Seconds (at this upgrade level).
The second upgrade increases slow and duration by 10% each. This makes it a 60% Slow over 1.8 Seconds. A “Massive” Unit will enjoy a 30% Slow over 0.9 Seconds.
Simple enough!
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Average Joe”. This upgrade increases the Movement Speed and Attack Speed of Marines and Marauders – who are NOT affected by “Stim Pack”.
This upgrade increases Movement Speed and Attack Speed.
The first upgrade increases both by +5%/+5%.
The second upgrade increases both by +10%/+10%
The third upgrade increases both by +15%/+15%
The fourth upgrade increases both by +20%/+20%
There is a secondary effect.
When a unit gets a “kill” – they gain a permanent +5%/+5% boost to Movement Speed and Attack Speed. A unit cannot get more “four stacks”. “Four stacks” equals a boost of +20%/+20%.
This gives this unit a +40%/+40% boost at max level.
This upgrade should allow players to “Play Bio” – without the “Stim Pack” upgrade. I think a +20%/+20% boost is enough to make it VIABLE, even if “Stim Pack” does “Hit Harder”!
I get it.
You don’t have to say it.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Armored Soldier”. It gives all Marauders +1 Armor.
There is a secondary effect.
Marauders get +1 Armor when within Range 15 of the Barracks that produced them.
They get another +0.5 Armor when within Range 7.5 of the Barracks that made them.
They get another +0.25 Armor when within Range 3.25 of the Barracks that made them.
This gives a Marauder +1.75 Armor when standing next to the Baracks that made them.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Brave Soldier”. It gives Marauders attack speed and health regeneration when they are made.
This upgrade give Marauders:
+20% Attack Speed
+0.5 Health Regeneration
–for 50 Seconds after they are made. This is a 25 Hit Point heal over 50 Seconds.
The second level increases duration to 75 Seconds.
The third level increases duration to 100 Seconds.
The fourth level increases it to 125 Seconds.
At max level a Marauder will heal for 62.5 Hit Points – over 125 Seconds. They will also gain +20% Attack Speed.
This upgrade encourages the player to “Stay Active” with their troops – since they regenerate health.
Stim Pack
This extremely popular upgrade is conveniently placed after “Marines” – and “Marauders” – in the list.
That is NO COINCIDENCE!
I love – GOOD STRUCTURE – almost as much as I love a – GOOD JOKE.
The upgrade “Stim Pack” will be given two upgrades.
The first upgrade will reduce the hit point cost by -10%. This will reduce the hit point cost for Marines to -9 hp (down from 10). The hp cost for Marauders will be -18 hp (down from 20).
The second upgrade will also reduce hp cost by -10%. Down to 8 for Marines – and 16 for Marauders. This means that the total hp cost of “Stim Pack” is reduced by 20% across the board.
The second and third upgrade would be expensive – and take a long time, since “Stim Pack” – is the most important upgrade for a Terran.
Here are my suggestions:
The original “Stim Pack” upgrade will be unchanged. This makes it 100/100 over 100 seconds.
The first upgrade will be 200/200 over 150 seconds.
The second upgrade will be 300/300 over 200 seconds.
Here are the timings:
The “Stim Pack” upgrade itself will hit late early game.
The first upgrade will hit in the mid-game.
The second upgrade will hit in the late game.
Medivacs
The “Medivac” is – “not” – a FORGOTTEN UNIT in this Game Patch!
It has been given several juicy upgrades.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Safe Cargo”. It gives Medivacs armor, hit points, and movement speed.
There are two levels.
The first level gives:
+1 Armor
+25 Hit Points
+5% Movement Speed
The second level gives the same bonus.
Which is:
+1 Armor
+25 Hit Points
+5% Movement Speed
At max level a Medivac will have +2 Armor, +50 Hit Points, and +10% Movement Speed.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Armored Transportation”. It has three levels.
Each level gives +10% Damage Reduction from:
Photon Cannons
Missile Turrets
Spore Crawlers
This gives +30% Damage Reduction – at max level.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Ranged Damage Negation”. It will negate the first incoming ranged attack every 20 Seconds (no matter what damage).
When untrigged for 40 Seconds, it gains another stack.
If untriggered for another 80 Seconds, it gains a third stack.
If untriggered for another 120 Seconds, it gains a fourth stack.
If untriggered for another 160 Seconds, it gains a fifth stack. 5 stacks is maximum.
This would allow inactive Medivacs to build a couple “Damage Negation Stacks” – before entering a dangerous area.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Bipolar Healing”.
It allows Medivacs to heal Mechanical Units. With this upgrade, Medivacs can also heal each other.
This upgrade has three levels.
The first level will enable a slow heal.
The second level will enable a heal of moderate speed.
The third level will enable a fast heal.
This ability would enable a whole new style of hybrid play.
Where Dropships – and Biological Units – are mixed with Mechanical Units.
Since Medivacs can heal – ALL OF THEM!
I like any changes – or upgrades – that open up NEW WAYS of playing the game.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Mobile Medication”. It enables Medivacs to heal units that are inside of them.
There are two levels.
The first level makes the heal 25% the speed of the normal heal.
The second level makes the heal 50% the speed of the normal heal.
Here are the conditions:
The heal is paused for 15 Seconds if the Medivac takes damage.
If a Medivac is lower than 50% Max Hit Points, this heal does not work.
It does not work over Creep (Zerg specific).
It cannot heal units that are actively boosted by “Stim Pack”.
Banshees
Banshees will be given several big upgrades.
Pro players only use this unit as early game worker harassment (usually with “Cloak”).
After that, you really don’t see it.
Here are some issues:
It does not scale into the mid-game.
It does not scale into the late game.
It cannot take direct engagements.
It is hard countered by air.
It is “soft countered” by detection.
Let me try to solve this problem!
UPGRADE 1: The upgrade “Cloak” will be given 3 (!) NEW UPGRADES. The original upgrade will be the same.
The first upgrade will grant Movement Speed, Attack Speed, and a minor Heal while “Cloaked”.
It will give this while “Cloaked”:
+10% Movement Speed
+20% Attack Speed
+0.25 Health Regeneration/Second (this is 1 hp over 4 seconds)
The second upgrade will grant the exact same bonuses again. It will give this while “Cloaked”:
+10% Movement Speed (up to +20%)
+20% Attack Speed (up to +40%)
+0.25 Health Regeneration/Second while “Cloaked” (up to 0.5)
The third upgrade will grant the same bonuses again. It will give this while “Cloaked”:
+10% Movement Speed (up to +30%)
+20% Attack Speed (up to +60%)
+0.25 Health Regeneration/Second while “Cloaked” (up to 0.75)
At max level the Banshee will get this while “Cloaked”:
+30% Movement Speed
+60% Attack Speed
+0.75 HP Regeneration/Second
This is a heal of 7.5 hp over 10 seconds. This is twice the speed of all Zerg units.
This enables the Banshee to – KEEP HARASSING – without going back to the base to heal.
Banshees always lacked a convenient heal.
They now have it!
#justsaying
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Undetected”. It makes Banshees “Completely Invisible” – when they have over 150 Energy (and “Cloak” is activated).
If they cast “Cloak” from the Maximum Energy of 200, this gives them 20 seconds of complete invisibility.
There is a secondary effect.
Banshees that are above 100 Energy, and have “Cloak” activated, need “Double Detection” in order to be seen.
I call this “Double Invisibility”. They have this state for 40 seconds before they become invisible in the normal way.
Remember that Banshees must be inactive for a long time – in order to gain 200 Energy.
This upgrade costs 200/200 and takes 120 Seconds.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Hardened Steel”. It gives Banshees +20/+40/+60 Hit Points. This increases their hit points to 200 from 140.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called the “Supership”. It becomes available when a Banshee has fully upgraded their hit points (has 200 hp).
Two Banshees combine into one “Supership” with 400 Hit Points and 3 Armor (Banshees have 0).
This ship will have the attack capacity of 2.5 Banshees.
It will attack with 5 Rockets that do 12 Damage each (without upgrades).
This ship will have 7 Attack Range (Banshees have 6).
This ship also has “Cloak”, and benefits from all other Banshee upgrades.
This ship has 225 Energy.
This gives it 40 Seconds of “True Invisibility” – if it casts cloak at maximum energy.
Following that is 40 Seconds of “Double Invisibility”, which requires two separate cases of Detection to be seen.
There is a secondary effect.
This ship has a “Special Ability”. When this ship has not taken any damage for 40 Seconds, it gains 200 Hit Point Shield for 40 Seconds. This ability has a 120 Second cooldown.
This unit is classified as “Massive”. This ship will fully benefit from the Banshee “Unit Specific Upgrades” available at the Starport.
Sweet!
Did you know that one time I wrote an article where I QUOTED MYSELF in 10-15 different circumstances. The editor was like “WTF” – what is this?
This was for a personality type magazine. I have a website where I type celebrities. Here is a link. The systems I use are called “Myers-Briggs” and “The Personality Enneagram”.
I created a new “Personality Typing System” called “The Six Layers of Human Personality Type”. Here is a link to it. Here is a page where Elon Musk is typed with this new system.
Battlecruisers
The Battlecruiser is – BARELY USED – in professional Starcraft 2 play.
If I was running this game, I would reduce the size, cost, supply, and capacity of the Battlecruiser unit. I would turn it into a mid-game unit that complements other units.
But that is a different discussion.
UPGRADE 1: The Battlecruiser has an inherent ability called “Tactical Jump”. I will rework this ability into a Range 25 Jump – with a 25 Second cooldown.
You will have this ability immediately when the Battlecruiser is made. It does not require an upgrade.
There is a secondary effect.
If this ability is not used for 25 seconds (while available), it generates another charge.
This gives you two jumps.
This effectively means that you have to wait 50 seconds after using the ability last time.
There is 25 seconds for the ability to come off cooldown.
There is another 25 seconds for the “stack” to be generated.
I hope that makes sense!
If this ability is not used for 50 seconds (while available), it gains another charge. You now have three jumps.
If this ability is not used for another 100 seconds (while available) it gains another charge. You now have four jumps.
After you use this ability, you have to wait 250 Seconds to get all four jumps. This is 4 Minutes and 10 Seconds.
This unit cannot gain more than 4 JUMPS.
This upgrade would give this unit enough MOBILITY and SAFETY to actively participate across the map!
I will give this ability three upgrades. Each upgrade gives +10 Jump Range.
The first upgrade increases jump range to 35 (up from 25).
The second upgrade increases jump range to 45.
The third upgrade increases jump range to 55.
This gives you a 55 Range Jump on a 25 Second Cooldown.
Plus the ability to build “stacks” – if you wait for them to build up.
Not bad.
NOT BAD AT ALL!
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Speedy Repair”. It gives increased repair speed and reduced repair cost.
There are three levels.
The first level gives:
+15% Repair Speed
-15% Repair Cost
The second level gives:
+15% Repair Speed (up to 30%)
-15% Repair Cost (up to -30%)
The third level gives:
+15% Repair Speed (up to 45%)
-15% Repair Cost (up to -45%)
The Battlecruiser gets +45% Repair Speed and -45% Repair Cost – at max level.
There is a secondary effect.
This ability allows you to put an SCV inside the Battlecruiser. This SCV automatically repairs the Battlecruiser.
You can put 1 SCV inside the Battlecruiser at level one.
You can put 2 SCV’s inside the Battlecruiser at level two.
You can put 3 SCV’s inside the Battlecruiser at level three.
These SCV’s are untargetable by the enemy (while inside the ship), but they are dropped on the ground – if the Battlecruiser is killed.
When this SCV lands it has reduced movement speed, attack speed, and repair speed. It is reduced by 50% for 25 seconds. It also takes 2 damage/second over these 25 seconds.
This debuff is called “Useless”.
But if this SCV is put into a new Battlecruiser, it will permanently gain +100% Repair Speed with all Battlecruisers.
There is another effect.
SCV’s inside Battlecruisers have the ability to repair other Battlecruisers. This happens automatically once their own Battlecruiser has full hp.
The repair Range is 5 around the Battlecruiser. Moving around or taking damage does not pause this repair (but it can be manually deactivated).
It cannot repair other Terran ships.
But this enables you to have a fleet of Battlecruisers that jumps around the map – and have automatic self-repair.
This upgrade is a “Quality of Life” change for Terrans who like Battlecruisers! It is no longer difficult – or expensive – to repair those big things!
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Battery Overcharge”. It increases Damage and Attack Speed.
It has three levels.
+1/+2/+3 Damage.
+5%/+10%/+15% Attack Speed.
The Battlecruiser gains +3 Damage (ground + air) and +15% Attack Speed at max level.
This upgrade helps Battlecruisers scale into the late game with their damage.
UPGRADE 4: I will rework “Yamato Cannon” to be an inherent ability for Battlecruisers. Damage is 200 (down from 240) and cooldown is 80 seconds (up from 71).
I will give this ability two more upgrades.
The first upgrade will give +40 Damage and give +1 Range. Cast time is reduced by 0.5 Seconds (down to 2.5 from 3).
The second upgrade would give +40 Damage and give +1 Range. Cast time is reduced by 0.5 Seconds.
This gives the “Yamato Cannon” 280 Damage and 12 Range at max level. Cooldown is 80 Seconds. Cast Time is 2 Seconds.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Forgotten Technology”. It gives Armor and Hit Points.
Each level gives: +1 Armor and +50 HP. There are three levels. They give:
+1/+2/+3 Armor
+50/+100/+150 Hit Points
The Battlecruiser gets +3 Armor (up to 6 from 3) and +150 HP (up to 700 from 550) at max level.
This turns the Battlecruiser into the most durable unit in the game!
These 5 Upgrades would turn this slow and expensive unit into a DYNAMIC FIGHTING MACHINE!
I really do think so.
What do you think?
Ravens
UPGRADE 1: I will give the inherent skill “Auto-Turret” 3 (!) NEW UPGRADES.
The first upgrade gives:
+15% Attack Speed
+1 Damage
+25 Hit Points (125 up from 100)
+1 Armor (up to 1 from 0).
+2 Seconds Duration (up to 10 from 8)
+1 Health Regeneration/Second
The second upgrade gives the exact same bonuses again. Which are:
+15% Attack Speed
+1 Damage
+25 Hit Points (150)
+1 Armor (up to 2).
+2 Seconds Duration (up to 12)
+1 Health Regeneration/Second (up to 2hp/second)
The third upgrade gives the same bonuses again.
+15% Attack Speed
+1 Damage
+25 Hit Points (175)
+1 Armor (up to 3).
+2 Seconds Duration (up to 14)
+1 Health Regeneration/Second (up to 3hp/second)
This gives an Auto-Turret at max level:
+45% attack speed
+3 damage (up to 21 from 18)
+75 hp (up to 175 from 100)
+3 armor (up to 3 from 0)
+6 duration (up to 14 seconds from 8)
+3 hp regeneration/second (42 in total)
These upgrades will enable the Raven – and its “Auto-Turret” – to scale into the late game.
The first upgrade will be 100/100 over 60 seconds.
The second upgrade will be 200/200 over 90 seconds.
The third upgrade will be 300/300 over 120 seconds.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Mobile Steel”. It gives the Raven +1 Armor and +20 HP. There are three levels. The Raven gets +3 Armor (up to 4 from 1) and +60 Hit Points (up to 200 from 140) at max level.
UPGRADE 3: The inherent skill “Anti-Armor Missile” would be given 3 (!) NEW UPGRADES.
Each upgrade will reduce the armor of affected units by +1. It will also increase cast range by +0.5.
The first upgrade reduces armor by -3 (up to 3 from 2). +0.5 cast range (up to 10.5 from 10).
The second upgrade reduces armor by -4 (up to 4 from 2). +0.5 cast range (up to 11 from 10).
The third upgrade reduces armor by -5 (up to 5 from 2). +0.5 cast range (up to 11.5 from 10).
Duration is set at 21 Seconds for all upgrades.
These upgrades should make this skill viable in the mid-game – and late game.
#youbet
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Automatic Cloaking”. Since the Raven does have built-indetection of invisible units, it also gains the ability to cloak itself and the units around it (ground + air).
For this to happen, the Raven has to reach maximum energy (200/200). The Raven cloaks at Range 5 around it.
There is a secondary effect.
If you add another Raven with maximum energy, these units become “Double Cloaked” – and require two separate instances of Detection in order to become visible. The cloaking Range is increased to 7 (around it).
There is a third effect.
This upgrade turns the Raven into a small Terran “Mothership”!
I really think all these upgrades would turn the – Raven – into a “FORCE OF NATURE” – on the BATTLEFIELD!
UPGRADE 5: The skill “Interference Matrix” is boosted to last 15 Seconds (up from 11). This skill will be given 3 (!) NEW UPGRADES.
The first upgrade makes this ability “Leap” to two other units. The two closest viable units will be selected automatically. The first unit is hit with an “Interference Matrix” over 7.5 Seconds (half of the original). The second unit is hit for 3.25 Seconds (half of the second unit).
This “Leaping” ability will show preference for large and expensive units.
The second upgrade will make “Interference Matrix” do 1% max HP Damage per second. This is 15% of max hp in total. It will also Drain 1% of the target’s max mana (if they have mana). This mana will be given to the Raven.
This mana will be split evenly among all Ravens within Range 15 of the casting Raven. If “mana” is unavailable, it will drain “Shield” (Protoss). If this is unavailable, this effect will do nothing.
The third upgrade will increase Cast Range with +2 (up to 11 from 9).
These upgrades would turn the Raven from a “Mobile Detection Station” – into a Dynamic Fighting Machine.
ENEMY BUILDINGS: “Interference Matrix” can target buildings. These will cease all activity. Like attack, production, upgrades, or movement. These buildings will take 1% of Max HP as damage per second.
The duration is double again buildings (30 seconds). The “Leaping” effect will also work against buildings. Buildings will take 1% Max HP + Shield/Second over 30 seconds.
FRIENDLY UNITS + BUILDING: Friendly Units and Buildings can be targeted. They will gain 1% Max HP/Second for the duration (15/30 seconds). These Units + Buildings will also gain 25% Damage Reduction during the duration.
Reapers
The Reaper is barely used by casual or even moderate players. The pro players use it very early to scout and to harass. After the early game, the unit falls off a cliff (LITERALLY!).
Yes.
To counter this drastic fall off, I would introduce one big upgrade that improved many different aspects at once.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Reaper’s Pandemonium”. It has three levels.
All levels will do the exact same thing.
They will give it:
+10 Hit Points
+1 Damage
+10% Attack Speed
+0.5 Armor
+3% Movement Speed
+1 Grenade Damage
-1 Second Grenade Cooldown
+100% Grenade Building Damage (the grenade can damage buildings)
The Reaper will gain 10% of its “Combat Drugs” regeneration while taking damage in combat.
This is +0.28hp/second.
Level 2 + 3 gives the exact same thing.
At max level the Reaper gains:
+30 HP (up to 90 from 60)
+3 Damage (up to 7 from 4)
+30% Attack Speed
+1.5 Armor (up to 1.5 from 0)
+9% Movement Speed
+3 Grenade Damage (up to 8 from 5)
+300% Building Damage (32 Damage/Grenade)
-3 Second Grenade Cooldown (down to 11 from 14)
0.84 HP Regeneration/Second During Combat (this is 30% of the “Combat Drugs” skill)
This upgrade is large, so it would be fairly expensive.
It SHOULD make it possible to keep building Reapers throughout the mid-game!
Siege Tanks
UPGRADE 1: I will add two upgrades to the “Siege Tech” skill. The skill itself gives Siege Tanks the ability to siege.
The first upgrade will give +5 Damage and +1 Attack Range (while sieged).
The second upgrade will give another +5 Damage and +1 Attack Range (while sieged).
At max level a Siege Tank (will get +10 Damage (50 up from 40) and +2 Attack Range (15 up from 13) while sieged.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Air Resilience”. It reduces damage taken from air units by +10%/+20%/+30%. There are three levels. It gives +30% Damage Reduction – at max level.
This upgrade is a “Soft Counter” to air units, which can be a – MOOD KILLER – for Siege Tanks!
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade called “Mobile Destruction”. It gives Splash Damage and Damage to Siege Tanks in mobile form.
There are three levels.
Siege Tanks get:
+15%/+30%/+45% Splash Damage (up to 45% from 0%)
+2/+4/+6 Damage (up to 21 from 15).
Max level gives it +45% Splash Damage and +6 Damage.
The Splash Damage hits all enemy units within Radius 0.75 of the target.
This upgrade will make Siege Tanks useful in mobile form. They already do +10 Damage to Armored Units in this form. They do +30 Damage to Armored Units while sieged.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Ancient Titanium”. It gives Siege Tanks +1 Armor and +25 Hit Points.
There are three levels. Max level gives +3 Armor (4 up from 1) and +75 HP (225 up from 150).
Liberators
The Liberator is useful in very specific matchups. But it needs upgrades to scale into the mid-game, and late game. I also want it to be viable in more matchups.
Liberator vs Blink Stalker is a DEATH SENTENCE.
I will keep the upgrade “Advanced Ballistics” as it is. It is a good upgrade!
UPGRADE 1: I will add an upgrade called “Zoned”. It has three levels. Each increases the size of the “Liberation Zone” by +15%/+30%/+45%. +45% at max level.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Defensive Mindset”. It gives the Liberator a +5%/+10%/+15% damage reduction from – all sources – while sieged.
Damage Reduction is always calculated after armor reduction. This ensures that it will reduce exactly the right amount of damage.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Instant Karma”. It enables the Liberator to attack ground units outside of the “Liberation Zone”.
On the condition that this ground unit attack the Liberator first. This attack will do the same damage as a shot inside the “Liberation Zone”.
This is a “Soft Counter” to blink Stalkers. It enables the Liberator to be useful – even when – the “Liberation Zone” is dodged.
This upgrade would make it viable in more matchups, while still not being “overpowered”.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Battle Endurance”. It gives the Liberator +1 Armor, +20 HP, and 0.5 HP regeneration/second. There are two levels.
At max level the Liberator gets +2 Armor (2 up from 0), +40 HP (220 up from 180), and +1 HP Regeneration (1 up from 0).
I think Liberators would become much more popular with these upgrades.
Widow Mines
The upgrades “Drilling Claws” and “Concealment” will stay as they are.
There is no point changing something that works!
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Friendly Fire”. It will reduce the Widow Mine’s damage to your own units. There are three levels. The damage will be reduced by 35%/70%/100%. 100% Damage Reduction at max level.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade will be called “Eternal Hunger”. It reduces the cooldown of the Widow Mine. There are three levels. It is reduced by 3/6/9 seconds. It is reduced by 9 Seconds at max level (down to 20 from 29).
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Fast Ascent”. It increases the attack range, speed, and splash damage of the Widow Mine.
It gives +0.5 Range, 5% Projectile Speed, and +5 Splash Damage – per level. There are four levels.
This gives +2 Range (up to 7 from 5), +20% Projectile Speed, and +20 Splash Damage (60 up from 40)at max level.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Tough Matter”. It gives armor and hit points. There are two levels. It gives +2 Armor (2 up from 0) and +30 Hit Points (120 up from 90) at max level.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Deactivation”. This enables a Widow Mine to “Deactivate” itself permanently, rendering itself unable to shoot.
The tradeoff is that it gains +15% Movement Speed, invisibility while burrowed, and a Sight 15.
This turns them into “Mobile Observer Stations” – that can be placed all over the map for vision.
SCV
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Hoarder”. This gives all SCV’s +3% Movement Speed and +3% Resource Collection Rate (both minerals and gas). There are three levels. This gives +9%/+9% at max level.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Durable Worker”. It increases the maximum hit points of all SCV’s. There are three levels. They give +5/+10/+15 Hit Points. It gives +15 Hit Points at max level (this gives them 60 up from 45).
UPGRADE 3: This one is called “Group Think”. SCV’s get +1 Armor for every 10 SCV’s that are located in a given area.
10-19 SCVs = +1 armor.
20-29 SCV’s = +2 armor.
30+ SCV’s = +3 armor.
A fully mined base will usually have 20-25 Workers. This gives them +2 Armor.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Smooth Cooperation”. It allows – another worker – to help build a building. Building speed is increased by 70%. This costs 0.7 Minerals/Second.
A third SCV can be added. This will increase building speed by 49%, cost will be 0.49 Minerals/Second (70% of the second worker’s contribution).
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “ExplosiveCopycat”. It turns the SCV into a “Probe”, or a “Drone” for 100 seconds. This upgrade only affects one single unit. Individual units are upgraded seperately.
The SCV will die when this effect expires. They will, in fact explode and do 120 Damage around it within Radius 3.
This explosion cannot be manually activated. But there will be a countdown that is visible to both players. This effect does double damage to buildings. It does damage to friendly units and buildings.
Vikings
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “High Quality Steel”. It gives +15/+30/+45 hit points. +45 Hit Points at max level (up to 180 from 135).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Land Viking”. It gives damage and armor while on the ground.
It gives: +1/+2/+3 Armor and +1/+2/+3 Damage while on the ground. +3 Armor/+3 Damage at max level.
There is a secondary effect.
When a Viking lands on the ground, it gains +40% Attack Speed, +40% Building Damage for 5 Seconds. This effect has a 45 Second cooldown.
This upgrade enables the Viking to fight on the ground.
Well.
The Viking has a tendency to – GET MERKED – the moment it lands on the ground.
Not anymore.
Nice.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Extended Shooting”. It only applies to air attacks. It gives the Viking +1 Attack Range (up to 10 from 9).
There is a secondary effect. Every 30 seconds, the Viking gets +1 Missiles (up to 3 from 2) and +1 Attack Range on their next attack.
This is great for – “Sniping” – high value AIR UNITS!
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Air Prowess”. It gives damage, reduces target armor, and slows. Duration is 2 seconds. There are three levels.
It gives:
+1/+2/+3 Damage
-0.5/-1/-1.5 Armor (effect lasts for 2 seconds)
5%/10%/15% (slows for 2 seconds)
This ability gives the Viking +3 Damage, -1.5 Target Armor, and 15% Slow – at max level.
Thors
The Thor is a really cool unit!
It is probably my favourite unit in all of Starcraft 2. But it is sparingly used in professional play. I will give this unit several cool upgrades.
I will add two abilities to the unit. These abilities are available when the Thor leaves the factory.
ABILITY 1: The first will be called “Stationary Cannon”. This will make the Thor stationary – and make it unable to move.
This will remove it from the popular F2 key (select all army units), and turn it into a defensive force. It will take 4 Seconds to “siege” – and “unsiege”.
While “Sieged”, the Thor will become immobile, but gain:
+1 Attack Range (up to 8 from 7)
+1 Armor (up to 2 from 1)
+0.5 SCV Self-Repair (Automatic + Free)
This ability can be upgraded twice.
The first upgrade gives:
+1 Attack Range (up to 9)
+1 Armor (up to 3)
+0.5 SCV Self-Repair (up to 1 SCV)
-0.5 Second Siege + Unsiege Time (down to 3.5 seconds)
The second upgrade gives:
+1 Attack Range (up to 10)
+1 Armor (up to 4)
+0.5 SCV Self-Repair (up to 1.5 SCV)
-0.5 Second Siege + Unsiege Time (down to 3 seconds)
At max level the Thor gets:
+3 Attack Range
+3 Armor
1.5 SCV Self Repair (Automatic + Free)
3 Seconds (Siege/Unsiege)
There is a secondary effect.
This repairing ability – DOES WORK – on other Mechanical Units. The Thor will always repair itself first.
It can repair other Mechanical Units that are close to it.
The Efficiency is 75% at Range 0-3.
The Efficiency is 50% at Range 4-6.
The Efficiency is 25% at Range 7-9.
This repair is automatic. But it can be turned off.
INHERENT ABILITY 2: The second ability is called “Leap”. A Thor can leap 25 Units on a 40 Second Cooldown.
This ability can be upgraded twice to reduce the cooldown by 10 Seconds each time. This gives the Thor a 25 Unit Jump on a 20 Second Cooldown at max level.
There is a secondary effect.
If this ability is not used for 20 Seconds (while available) it gains a second charge.
If it is not used for another 40 Seconds (while available) it gains a third charge. It cannot have more than 3 Charges.
Without upgrades, the second charge will take 40 Seconds to generate (same cooldown as the skill). The third charge will take 80 Seconds to be generated (twice the cooldown of the skill).
This gives the Thor 3 Charges, if it does not use its ability for 120 Seconds (without upgrades).
These abilities give the Thor a POWER SPIKE – right when it is made. Yes. But I also want it to scale into the late game, and even the DEEP LATE GAME!
Check out these upgrades!
UPGRADE 1: This ability is called “Tough Titanium”. It gives the Thor +50/+100/+150 Hit Points. This gives it +150 Hit Points at max level (which is 550 up from 400).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Rapid Bombardment”. There are four levels. It gives +5%/+10%/+15%/20% Attack Speed (both ground + air).
It gives +20% Attack Speed when maxed out.
There is a secondary effect.
If the Thor has not damaged an enemy unit within the last 60 Seconds, the attack speed bonus is doubled for 5 Seconds. This amounts to +5%/+10%/+15%/20% Attack Speed for 5 Seconds (depending on the level).
It gives +20% Attack Speed when maxed out. This ability only applies to ground attacks. It is activated automatically when the Thor does damage to ground units. It can be manually activated.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “I Got You Bro”. It links two Thors together. They gain armor, movement speed, they share damage, and get hp regeneration (when close to each other).
They gain +1 Armor, get +5% Movement Speed. 25% of incoming is sent to the other Thor. This damage is itself reduced by 25%. This is a total damage reduction of 7.5%.
When the Thors are within Range 5 of each other, they also gain 0.5 hp regeneration/second.
The Thors have to be within Range 15 of each other – or the effect stops (and has to be re-applied).
There is one upgrade.
It gives +1 Armor, +5% Movement Speed, and +10% Shared + Reduced Damage (up to 35/35). This is a total damage reduction of 12.25%.
When the Thors are within Range 5 of each other, they also gain 1 hp regeneration/second.
At max level both Thor’s get:
+2 Armor
+10% Movement Speed
35% Shared Damage
35% Damage Reduction (of shared damage)
+1 HP Regeneration/Second (when within Range 5 of each other)
This effect does not work for Thors in “Siege Mode”.
When applied, this effect lasts for 60 seconds. It has a 120 second cooldown.
The duration is increased by +1 Second on both Thors, for every kill that the Thors get. Destroyed buildings count a +2 Kills. “Massive” units also count as +2 Kills.
This ability starts off with a manual activation. But a player can put this ability on “Autocast”. If so, it will be cast between two nearby Thors as soon as one of Them takes more than 100 damage over 5 seconds.
Since this upgrade is defensive by nature, it is triggered by “Damage Absorbed”.
Ghosts
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Bunker Madness”. It increases attack speed – and attack range – while inside a bunker.
The attack speed is increased by 20%/40%/60%. It gives +60% Attack Speed at max level.
The attack range is increased by +0.5/1/1.5. It gives +1.5 Attack Range at max level.
This should make Ghosts good enough to be placed inside Bunkers – just to defend the area!
I remember doing this in Starcraft 1 – actually!
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Thick Hide”. Ghosts get +10/+20/+30 Hit Points. It gives +30 Hit Points at max level. This gives them 130 Hit Points (up from 100).
There is a secondary effect.
Ghosts receive an active ability that gives them +2/+4/+6 Armor for 10 Seconds. They get +6 Armor at max level. This has a 100 Second cooldown.
If put on “Autocast”, it will activate when the Ghost takes more than 30 Damage within 3 Seconds.
UPGRADE 3: The skill “Steady Targeting” will be given two upgrades.
The first upgrade gives +1 Cast Range (makes it 11 up from 10). It also increases the “Cancelation Range” by +1 (makes it 14.5 up from 13.5).
There is a secondary effect.
Every 120 seconds the Ghost gets an extra powerful attack – with reduced cast time – and splash damage around the target.
This extra powerful “Steady Targeting” attack gets:
+1 Cast Range (“Cancellation Range” is also increased by +1)
-0.2 Seconds Cast Time (Cast Time becomes 1.23 seconds down from 1.43)
+10 Damage (up to 140 from 130).
25% Splash Damage (within Range 2 of the target). This is 35 Damage.
This extra powerful “Super Snipe” is available instantly when the upgrade finishes.
It will hit:
Faster
Harder
From Further Away
Do Splash Damage
The second upgrade also gives +1 Cast Range (up to 12). “Cancellation Range” is also increased by +1.
The secondary effect is also improved. It gets another round of the same bonuses.
This extra powerful “Steady Targeting” attack gets:
+1 Cast Range (“Cancellation Range” is also increased by +1)
-0.2 Seconds Cast Time (Cast Time becomes 1.03)
+10 Damage (up to 150).
+25% Splash Damage (up to 50% Splash Damage). This is 75 Damage.
Both upgrades gave the skill “Steady Targeting” itself +2 Cast Range (up to 12 from 10).
But the secondary effect sometimes gives an extra strong attack with +2 Cast Range (up to 14 Range).
At max level this ability can hit from 14 Range. It will do 150 Damage, and do 50% Splash Damage. It hits after only 1.03 Seconds.
This is intended to be a high-skill “Comeback Mechanic” for Terrans, since it does large amounts of splash damage.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Endless Energy”. It increases Energy Regeneration and Max Energy.
There are four levels.
A Ghost’s Energy Regeneration is increased by +10%/+20%/+30%/+40%. +40% Energy Regeneration at max level.
A Ghost’s maximum energy is also increased. It is increased by +25/+50/+75/+100 Energy. It gives +100 Energy at max level (up to 300 from 200).
There is a secondary effect.
This effect is called “Mana Shield”. It reduces incoming damage by +5%/+10%/+15%/+20%. Each point of absorbed damage consumes 0.5 Energy Points.
It starts off activated. But it can be turned on and off manually.
UPGRADE 5: The skill “Cloak” is unchanged. But it is given two upgrades.
The first upgrade makes Ghosts “Completely Invisible” for 2 Seconds immediately after activating “Cloak”. No amount of detection can see them during this time. They gain +10% Movement Speed bonus during this time.
For the next 4 Seconds (after this 2 second phase) Ghosts are “Double Invisible” which means that they require two instances of Detection to be seen. They gain a +5% Movement Speed bonus during this time.
They gain +2.5% Movement Speed during the rest of their “Cloak”.
The second upgrade doubles the duration and movement speed bonus at each stage. It makes Ghosts “Completely Invisible” for 4 Seconds after activating “Cloak”. They gain a +20% Movement Speed bonus.
After this, they become “Double Invisible” for 8 Seconds. They gain +10% Movement Speed bonus during this time.
They gain +5% Movement Speed during the rest of their “Cloak”.
Cloak cannot trigger the “Completely Invisible” effect more than once every 20 Seconds (this gives a max uptime of 20%). The “Double Invisible” effect has no cooldown.
This upgrade should enable Terrans to be more active with their Ghosts, and take more risks, since they know they can become “Undetectable” – for a couple seconds!
UPGRADE 6: This upgrade is called “Rifle Madness”. It gives damage, bonus damage to “Armored” targets, and attack range.
It gives +1/+2/+3/+4 Damage (up to 14 from 10)
It gives +2/+4/+6/+8 Damage to “Armored” Units + Buildings
It gives +0.5/+1/+1.5/+2 Attack Range (up to 8 from 6)
At max level this ability will give a Ghost:
+4 Damage
+8 Damage to “Armored” targets
+2 Attack Range
This upgrade, the bonus hit points upgrade, the mana shield, and the cloaking – should make Ghosts better in direct confrontations (using their physical attack).
I want Ghosts to be a PHYSICAL THREAT apart from their “Special Abilities”. I want the enemy to “Fear Ghosts” – even if they have zero mana!
Hellbats
Professional Starcraft 2 players will use Hellbats in rushes against Zerg. Usually with Marines and Marauders. Apart from this, you don’t really see them.
I want to change that! I want to turn the Hellbat into a popular (but not “Overpowered”) unit!
Here are my suggestions!
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Forced March”. It gives a permanent +5%/+10%/+15%/+20% Movement Speed boost. There are four levels. +20% at max level.
This will allow Hellbats to move around with stimmed “Bio” (Marines + Marauders).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Regenerative Medicine”. It gives Hellbats a slow natural hp regeneration.
There are three levels.
The first level gives +0.5 Health Regeneration/Second.
The second level gives +1 Health Regeneration/Second.
The third level gives +1.5 Health Regeneration/Second.
Zerg units regenerate at +0.38 hp/second. At max level, Hellbats get health regeneration 300% faster than Zerg units.
This enables Hellbats to fight along Marines and Marauders, since they heal up over time.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Smooth Leather Skin”. It gives maximum hit points and armor. There are three levels.
They give:
+15/+30+/+45 Hit Points
+0.5/+1/+1.5 Armor
At max level a Hellbar gains +45 Hit Points (up from 135) and +1.5 Armor (up from 0).
This upgrade turns Hellbats into a capable “Meat Shield” between the enemy, and your EXPENSIVE UNITS!
UPGRADE 4: This attack is called ”Melee Mastery”. It increases the attack range of Hellbats.
There are three levels.
The first level increases attack by +0.3 Range.
The second level increases attack by +0.6 Range.
The third level increases attack by +0.9 Range.
A maxed out Hellbat will get +0.9 Attack Range (up to 2.33 from 1.43). This is a – most respectable – attack range increase of 63%!
The Hellbat has been given:
Movement Speed
Hit Point Regeneration + Armor
Maximum Hit Points
Attack Range
These upgrades are all straightforward – there are no “Secondary Effects” to worry about!
This should make the Hellbat easy to:
Understand
Build
Manage
Control
HELLBATS = EASY WIN!
#stopcaps
#notfunny
Terran Building Upgrades
Engineering Bay + Armory
The upgrades in this chapter will apply to – BOTH – the Engineering Bay and the Armory.
The Engineering Bay upgrades biological units and buildings.
The Armory upgrades mechanical units.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Production Overdrive”. It increases the processing speed of upgrades inside the Engineering Bay and the Armory.
It increases the upgrade speed by 40%, but it costs 20 hit points per second.
A secondary building nearby will take 10 damage per second. A third building nearby will take 5 damage per second. The total damage will be 35 damage per second.
The Engineering Bay can sustain this for 42 seconds before perishing.
The Armory can sustain it for 37.5 seconds before being destroyed.
This does not take into account “fire damage”.
“Fire” will do triple damage (9 damage/second) to a building that is currently using the “Production Overdrive” ability.
It will do double damage (6 damage/second) to a building that has used it before.
The secondary and third building that take damage will also get this amplified fire.
Buildings that are using the “Production Overdrive” ability should probably be repaired by SCV’s.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Durable Structure”. It increases Hit Points, Armor, and reduces Fire Damage.
Every upgrade in this chapter apply to both the Engineering Bay – and the Armory.
There are four levels.
Each level gives:
+150 Hit Points
+1 Armor
-25% Fire Damage
At max level this gives:
+600 Hit Points
+4 Armor
-100% Fire Damage
Durable buildings INDEED!
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Sweet Repair”. It increases repair speed, and reduces repair cost, of the Engineering Bay and the Armory.
There are four levels:
Each level gives:
+10% Repair Speed
-10% Repair Cost
Max level gives:
+40% Repair Speed
-40% Repair Cost
Reinforced Baracks
This upgrade is called “Reinforced Baracks”. It makes the Terran “Baracks” more durable, mobile, and gives it special abilities.
It allows a Terran player to construct artificial “Choke Points” – with its own buildings on the map.
Wouldn’t this be sweet?
Hear me out!
This upgrade only applies to one specific Baracks (not all of them). Each building is upgraded individually.
This upgrade turns a regular Baracks into a “Reinforced Baracks”. It gets:
+500 Hit Points
+1 Armor
1 SCV Self-Repair (automatic)
25% Faster Lift
25% Faster Flight
25% Faster Landing
There is a secondary effect.
This “Reinforced Baracks” can make exactly one copy of itself. It is free. It takes 45 seconds to build (half the time of the original Baracks + Upgrade).
This copy can be made right away.
After 5 Minutes, this new “Reinforced Baracks” can make a copy of itself. It builds in only 22.5 seconds. For free.
After 10 Minutes, this new “Reinforced Baracks” can make a copy of itself. It builds in only 11.25 seconds. It is free.
After 20 Minutes, this new “Reinforced Baracks” can make a copy of itself. It builds in only 5.125 seconds. It is also free!
There is no technical limit to this process, but it takes a LONG TIME!
There is a third effect.
Every single “Reinforced Baracks” in the same chain gain:
+1 Armor
+250 Hit Points
+5% Movement Speed
–every 5 minutes. This effect does not work retroactively. When a “Reinforced Baracks” has been in the game for 5 minutes – they get this bonus.
This allows them to scale with the game.
The “cost” and “time” of “Reinforced Baracks” upgrades doubles with every single upgrade.
The first upgrade costs 10/10 and takes 10 seconds.
The second upgrade costs 20/20 and takes 20 seconds.
The third upgrade costs 40/40 and takes 40 seconds.
The fourth upgrade costs 80/80 and takes 80 seconds.
The fifth upgrade costs 160/160 and takes 160 seconds.
There is no ceiling to the cost and time. It is doubled every single time.
This cost/time structure is designed to make “Reinforced Baracks” viable in early – and mid-game pushes. While still being useful in the late game.
For example:
A Terran can upgrade 2 Baracks into “Reinforced Baracks” cheaply (total cost is 30/30 and takes 20 seconds).
They can make two copies with these buildings.
They can fly the original “Reinforced Baracks” over to participate in the attack (these Baracks cannot make more copies).
I know that this upgrade introduces a “Strange” and “Foreign” concept into the game!
Trust me BRO! I get it!
But every Terran would “Salivate” at the prospect of constructing artificial choke points – with their own buildings.
Reinforced Supply Depots
Professional Terran players often build “walls” with their Supply Depots outside their expansions. I always thought that these walls were “Expensive” – and “Inefficient”.
Yeah.
Terrans should have another type of Supply Depot – that serves this purpose better. These are called “Reinforced Supply Depots”.
A normal “Supply Depot” can be upgraded into a “Reinforced Supply Depot”.
This supply depot will gain:
+1 Armor (up to 2 from 1)
+200 Hit Points (up to 600 from 400)
1 SCV Self-Repair (automatic)
There is a secondary effect.
This “Reinforced Supply Depot” gains +20 hp and 0.1 armor – for every 1 minute (that it exists inside the game).
This is:
5 Minutes: +100 HP and +0.5 Armor
10 Minutes: +200 HP and +1 Armor
20 Minutes: +400 HP and +2 Armor
30 Minutes: +600 HP and +3 Armor
There is a third effect.
“Reinforced Supply Depots” that physically touch each other form a chain – that help repair each other.
5 “Reinforced Supply Depots” have the repair capacity of 5 SCV’s (one each). This will be directed to the “Reinforced Supply Depot” that is the most damaged in this group.
They cooperate – and help each other out!
Terrans would also be able to build “Reinforced Supply Depots” right away. Instead of building a normal Supply Depot – and then upgrade it.
I want to see “Reinforced Supply Depots” – at the “Frontlines”. I expect to see normal “Supply Depots” – back in the base.
That makes sense to me.
Planetary Fortress
Planetary Fortresses will be given several – JUICY – upgrades!
Yes.
UPGRADE 1: The skill “Planetary Fortress” will be given three more levels. There are four levels in total.
LEVEL 1: This level is the upgrade itself. Which turns the “Command Center” into the “Planetary Fortress”.
LEVEL 2: The Planetary Fortress gets:
+1 Attack Range (up to 7 from 6)
+1 Armor (up to 3 from 2)
+200 Hit Points (up to 1700 from 1500)
LEVEL 3: The Planetary Fortress gets:
+1 Attack Range (up to 8)
+25% Attack Speed
Range 4 Detection (around it)
LEVEL 4: This is the final level. The Planetary Fortress gets:
The ability to Attack Air (Range 8).
Automatic Self-Repair at the speed of 2 SCV’s (free).
The ability to Load/Unload 15 SCV’s (up from 5).
Range 8 Detection
The ability to MOVE.
Each loaded SCV will contribute with the repair speed of 0.2 SCV’s. 15 SCV’s mean +3 SCV’s help repair this building (15 x 0.2 = 3). This happens automatically.
This level also gives the Planetary Fortress the ability to MOVE ONE TIME.
The lift-off, flying, and landing is 35% slower than a Command Center. Once it lands in one spot, it cannot move again.
But this ability to move once, encourages the player to invest resources into this building. Because it can be moved to another base, or another useful location.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Bros For Life”. It binds a Unit to the Planetary Fortress.
This skill can only target units that Siege. Which are Siege Tanks, Liberators, and Thors (in this game mod).
This unit gets:
+1 Attack Range (ground + air)
+20% Attack Speed
+100 Hit Points
+1 Armor
2 SCV Automatic Repair
Since the “Attack Range” of Liberators are irrelevant (in this mode), they will gain a +15% Larger “Liberation Zone”.
There is another effect.
50% of the incoming damage to this unit will be absorbed by the Planetary Fortress. The Planetary Fortress will repair this unit automatically – as long as the building itself has full hit points.
In order for the Planetary Fortress to cast this ability on a unit, it has to be physically touching the Planetary Fortress. It also has to be in “Siege Mode”.
This ability renders the unit unable to move. It is stuck there for the rest of the game. It will die if the Planetary Fortress moves – or dies.
If this unit dies, the Planetary Fortress will lose all its armor for 5 Seconds – and take 2% max hp as damage per second (10% max hp in total).
Building Zone
This upgrade is called a “Building Zone”. It is an upgrade to the Command Center. It is capable of constructing buildings with its energy.
It can create permanent buildings. It can also create “temporary buildings” that last for 30 seconds, while only spending 35% of the energy cost.
This option might be used to “Spam Buildings” during an attack, to block the enemy from moving forwards, and to make “Choke Points” for your troops.
This “Building Zone” can store up to 1000 Energy.
For every 500 Energy that this building spends, it gains:
+100 Hit Points
+0.5 Health Regeneration/Second
+0.5 Armor
+20% Energy Regeneration (this ability fully stacks with itself)
A “Building Zone” cannot make structures that produce units.
But it can make:
Supply Depots (50 Energy)
Reinforced Supply Depots (65 Energy)
Bunkers (100 Energy)
Reinforced Bunkers (125 Energy)
Missile Turrets (75 Energy)
Sensor Towers (50 Energy)
This is the Energy Cost for “Permanent Buildings” (normal buildings). “Temporary Buildings” costs 65% less – and lasts for 30 Seconds.
There is another effect.
Each permanent building that the “Building Zone” makes increases the Max Hit Points of the next building by +1%. Temporary buildings have no effect on this.
This ability fully stacks with itself (it will build over time).
A “Building Zone” can only construct buildings within Range 15 of itself.
It can, however, move to a new location and build new buildings there. A “Building Zone” will lift, fly, and land 25% faster than a “Command Center”.
When the “Building Zone” makes a building, the building time is reduced by 50% (compared to normal). This applies to all buildings it makes.
The Supply Depot is made in 10.5 Seconds (instead of 21 seconds).
The building time of “Temporary Buildings” is reduced by 90%. The Supply Depot takes 2.1 Seconds to build.
When the “Building Zone” builds a Bunker (or “Reinforced Bunker”), it comes with the firing power of two marines.
No extra units can go inside this building. No units can leave it. But the bunker – will fire – as if two Marines were inside it.
These “fictitious” Marines will inherit the current upgrades of your Marines (when they are “made”). This enables this structure to scale with the game.
I know that this “Building Zone” introduces a brand new concept into the Starcraft 2 Universe.
I know.
But if this mechanism was well-balanced, I think it would make games MORE FUN!
Do you agree with me?
Orbital Command
The highly popular “Orbital Command” will get 7 (!) NEW UPGRADES.
Here they are.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Tech Wizard”. It increases the repair rate of Mules.
There are two levels.
Each level increases repair speed by +100%. They give +100%/+200% Repair Speed. At max level the Mule repairs at the rate of 3 SCVs!
There is a secondary effect.
This upgrade also gives Mules an ability called “Repair Zone”.
Mules can set up a “Repair Zone” – where they automatically repair all Mechanical Units inside it. It starts with the unit that is most damaged, and goes from there.
This “Repair Zone” keeps going until the Mule “Times Out”. This should be an easy – and effective – way to repair mechanical units.
This is one of the reasons “Bio” is so much more popular than “Mech” – among Terrans. Because “Bio” has mobility, and self-sustain (heal).
This would solve that problem.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Life Extension”. This upgrade increases the lifespan of Mules by +10%/+20%/+30%. There are three levels. It gives +30% Lifespan at max level.
This upgrade also gives Mules +5/+10/+15 hit points. This gives them +15 Hit Points (75 up from 60) at max level.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Defensive Shell”. This turns Mules into a “Stationary Defensive Shell” when they take damage.
This gives them:
+5 Armor
+5 Hit Points Regeneration
–for 5 seconds.
This “Defensive Shell” is automatically activated when the Mule drops below 35 hp. It cannot be manually activated. But you can refrain from getting this upgrade!
Problem SOLVED.
This effect can only be activated once per Mule. This effect will take 0.5 seconds to activate. Killing a Mule quickly will prevent this effect from being activated.
The second level increases:
+1 Armor (up to 6 from 5)
+1 Hit Points Regeneration (up to 6 from 5)
+1 Duration (up to 6 from 5)
The third level increases:
+1 Armor (up to 7)
+1 Hit Points Regeneration (up to 7)
+1 Duration (up to 7)
The third level also enables a “Manual Activation” of this ability. This ability can always be activated. It does not require the Mule to be damaged.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade adds two upgrades to the skill “Scanner Sweep”.
The first upgrade makes this ability do 1% max hp damage/second over 12 seconds. This only works on buildings. This would do 12% max hp – over 12 seconds.
Any Unit or Building cannot take more than 50% max hp damage due to these “Scanner Sweeps”. This limit applies to the whole game.
This ability can be used to “Soften Up” a base before the actual attack. It will also – of course – reveal information.
The second upgrade enables the “Scanner Sweep” to heal friendly buildings at 1% max hp/second over 12 seconds. This will heal 12% of max hp – over 12 seconds.
A friendly building cannot be healed more than 50% of its max hp – over the course of a game. This ability can be useful to support Reinforced Supply Depots and Reinforced Bunkers – during an attack.
UPGRADE 5: This ability is called “Boosted Building”. This ability will increase the Production Capacity, Armor, and Mobility of that building permanently.
A building can be upgraded three times by this ability (but not more).
This gives it:
+45% Production Capacity
+3 Armor
+45% Lifting/Landing/Movement Speed
Any building that produces Units – or Upgrades – can be targeted by this ability.
This ability should be especially powerful in long games, since each “Boosted Building” – will pay you back over time!
UPGRADE 6: This upgrade is called “Reinforced Supply Depot”. It enables an “Orbital Command” to upgrade a “Supply Depot” to a “Reinforced Supply Depot” – with 25 Energy.
UPGRADE 7: This upgrade is called “Reinforced Bunker”. It enables an “Orbital Command” to upgrade a “Bunker” to a “Reinforced Bunker” – with 25 Energy.
Bunkers
Bunkers are – SPARINGLY – used in professional Starcraft 2 play. You do see them defending early aggression.
You also see them in some Fast Rushes – and Timing Attacks. Usually with Marines/Marauders + Tanks.
But in the mid-game – and late game – they all but DISAPPEAR.
Where did they go?
I want to bring them back.
Here we go!
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Reinforced Bunker”. This only upgrades one specific bunker. Not all of them.
This bunker gets:
+200 Hit Points (up to 600 from 400)
+1 Armor (up to 2 from 1)
+1 SCV Self-Repair (Automatic + Free)
+1 Attack Range for Units Inside (up to 2 from 1)
Upgrading a “Bunker” costs 35 Minerals and takes 10 Seconds.
There is a secondary effect.
This “Reinforced Bunker” gains +20 hp and 0.1 armor – for every 1 minute (that it exists inside the game).
This is:
5 Minutes: +100 HP and +0.5 Armor
10 Minutes: +200 HP and +1 Armor
20 Minutes: +400 HP and +2 Armor
30 Minutes: +600 HP and +3 Armor
NOTE: Both “Bunkers” and “Supply Depots” can be upgraded with Minerals, or by the “Orbital Command” for Energy.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Team Spirit”. It links two Bunkers – and their Units – together.
This makes the Bunkers share damage with each other.
It also makes the Units share damage with each other.
Allow me to explain!
BUNKERS: 50% of incoming damage is sent to the other Bunker. If one Bunker is destroyed this effect ends.
UNITS: The units inside the Bunkers also share damage for 10 seconds after leaving the Bunker. 50% of incoming damage will be spread out to every other unit.
If the Bunker is destroyed, this effect is activated automatically. If one unit (or more) leaves their Bunker, it is activated automatically.
There is a second level. This level allows you to use “Stim Pack” – on the units inside the Bunkers. They do not have to leave the Bunker.
There is another effect. This level also gives the units inside the Bunker a slow heal of 0.1 hp/second. This is 6 hp/minute.
This enables them to heal after a use of “Stim Pack”.
Sensor Towers
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “I See You”. Sensor Towers are given a Range Upgrade. There are three levels. They give +2/+4/+6 Range. +6 Range at max level. This gives it 28 range (up from 22).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Sturdy Tower”. Increases the hit points of Sensor Towers by +50/+100/+150. This gives +150 Hit Points at max level.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Precious One”. It is an effect that comes into play when – any Sensor Tower – is damaged. It will give the Sensor Tower +10 armor and +10 hp regen for 10 seconds. The vision of this Sensor Tower will increase by +10 during this time.
This effect has a 120 second cooldown.
The second level reduces the cooldown to 90 seconds.
The third level reduces cooldown to 60 seconds.
This upgrade will help protect your Sensor Towers all over the map. It will prevent specific Sensor Towers from being destroyed quickly.
Missile Turrets
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Cannot Hide”. It gives the Missile Turret +1 Sight Range and +1 Detection Range (up to 12/12 from 11/11).
The second level gives it another +1/+1 (up to 13/13). The third level gives it another +1/+1 (up to 14/14).
This upgrade turns “Missile Turrets” into small “Sensor Towers” – but with “Detection”!
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Aerial Chemistry”. It allows a “Missile Turret” to heal any flying ship.
Like:
Battlecruisers
Liberators
Banshees
Vikings
Ravens
Medivacs
A Missile Turret will heal all ships within Range 3. It will heal at the rate of 0.1% max hp per second. 10 Missile Turrets will heal 1% of max hp/second.
This healing has two limitations:
Once a Missile Turret takes damage the first time, its healing capacity will be permanently reduced by 50%.
A Missile Turret cannot heal within 60 seconds of taking – or dealing – damage.
The second level increases the healing capacity to 0.2% max hp per second.
The third level increases it to 0.3% max hp per second. 10 Missile Turrets with max upgrades (and no penalties) will heal at 3% max hp per second.
This healing is automatic and free.
But the enemy can prevent this healing from taking place by “harassing” your “Missile Turrets” – which prevents them from healing your ships.
This Game Update offers Terran players – new ways – to repair mechanical units.
The upgraded Mule
The upgraded Medivac
The upgraded Missile Turret
Remember that “Marauders” also have a “Medic” upgrade – that allows them to heal biological units!
Protoss Unit Upgrades
Zealots
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Meat Shield”. It gives Zealots Hit Points and Armor.
The first level gives:
+15 Hit Points (up to 115 from 100)
+1 Armor (up to 2 from 1)
The second level gives:
+15 Hit Points (up to 130)
+1 Armor (up to 3)
This gives them +30 Hit Points and +2 Armor – at max level.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Healing Synthesis”. This upgrade gives Zealots a natural health regeneration.
The first level gives a health regeneration of 0.8 hp/second (this is 40% of the shield regeneration).
The second level gives a health regeneration of 1.6 hp/second (this is 80% of the shield regeneration).
The second level gives a health regeneration of 2.4 hp/second (this is 120% of the shield regeneration).
NOT BAD!
But there is a secondary effect.
When a Zealot has full hit points, 50% of their natural health regeneration is directed to the shield. This gives the shield another +20%/+40%/+60% regeneration.
This increases Shield Regeneration by +60% at max level (up to 3.2 from 2/second).
This makes this upgrade useful – EVEN WHEN – the Zealot has full hit points!
I am serious about this.
UPGRADE 3: The upgrade “Charge” will be given two upgrades.
The first upgrade will make the first attack after a “Charge” do +50% Extra Damage. This special attack will do Double Damage to “Buildings”.
The second upgrade will increase Charge Range by +1 (up to 5 from 4) – and reduce Cooldown by -1 Second (down to 6 from 7).
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Lethal Psi Blades”. It increases damage and attack speed. There are four levels.
Damage is increased by +1/+2/+3/+4 (up to 12 from 8)
Attack Speed is increased by +5%/+10%/+15%/+20%.
This gives Zealots +4 Damage (two attacks) and +20% Attack Speed – at max level.
Stalkers
Stalkers are given 3 (!) NEW UPGRADES. The “Blink” upgrade has been given two more levels.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Durable Stalker”. This upgrade gives bonus Hit Points and Shield.
It gives:
+10/+20/+30 Hit Points
+10/+20/+30 Shield
Stalkers get +30 Hit Points (up to 110 from 80) and +30 Shield (up to 110 from 80) – at max level.
This is a powerful upgrade that allows Stalkers to take more direct engagements.
These upgrades might cost/time:
100/100 over 60 seconds (Level 1)
200/200 over 90 seconds (Level 2)
300/300 over 120 seconds (Level 3)
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Light Saber”. It increases a Stalker’s damage to light units by +1/+2/+3. It gives +3 Damage to Light Units at max level (up to 16 from 13).
Stalkers are notoriously bad against light units. This helps them deal with that.
UPGRADE 3: The “Blink” upgrade is given two more upgrades.
The first upgrade gives +1 Blink Range (up to 9 from 8) and gives -1 Second Cooldown (down to 6 seconds from 7).
The second upgrade gives Stalkers a +10 hp Heal every time they use “Blink”.
This would allow Stalkers to roam the map like Maxpax (a pro player) in the hunt for EASY WINS!
A cool little piece of information here is that Maxpax (a Danish Protoss) might be the first pro player in the history of Starcraft 2, that managed to develop a “Universal Opening” – that works against (almost) all openings at the highest level.
It has a high win-rate even though his opponents KNOW what he is going to do. He attacks early with 2 Adepts, does damage. He attacks the worker lines with 1-3 Oracles.
He follows up with “Blink” Stalkers with world-class “Micro”. They are supported by Oracles – and Stasis Traps – further back.
This Adept/Oracle/Stalkers pressure – gives him wins against the absolute best players in the world.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Stalker Prowess”. It gives Stalkers +1 Attack Range. This upgrade is 300/300 over 180 Seconds.
This upgrade is designed to give Stalkers boost in the late game. They tend to fall off in the late game. I want a unit to be viable for as long as possible, during a game.
I also want it to be viable in direct engagements – and harassment.
This is accomplished by giving it several different upgrades. This can make the unit more VERSATILE – and help it SCALE – into the late game!
Roaches + Adepts + Hellbats are known to be (mostly) unusable in a late game army composition.
All these units have been given several strong upgrades – that help them scale into the late game.
Immortals
Immortals will get 3 (!) UPGRADES to their “Barrier” ability (their shield).
They will also get 3 (!) NEW UPGRADES. This will give them two defensive abilities, and two offensive abilities.
Let me make my case.
UPGRADE 1: The “Barrier” ability is given three upgrades. This ability gives the Immortal a 100 hp shield for 2 seconds. 32 second cooldown.
The first upgrade:
+25 Barrier Shield Size (up to 125 from 100)
+1 Second Duration (up to 3 from 2 seconds)
-2 Second Cooldown (down to 30 seconds from 32)
The second upgrade:
+25 Barrier Shield Size (up to 150)
+1 Second Duration (up to 4 seconds)
-2 Second Cooldown (down to 28)
The third upgrade:
+25 Barrier Shield Size (up to 175)
+1 Second Duration (up to 5 seconds)
-2 Second Cooldown (down to 26)
At max level the Barrier Shield is 175 Hit Points, Lasts 5 Seconds, 26 Second Cooldown.
This ability starts off on “Autocast”, and is activated when the Immortal takes damage. It can also be cast manually.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Impatient Blaster”. It inreases attack speed by +5%/+10%/+15%. +15% Attack Speed at max level.
There is a secondary effect.
When an Immortal has not fired a shot for 90 Seconds, this attack speed boost will automatically double for the next 5 Seconds (+30% at max level). The Immortal also gains +1 Attack Range during this time.
This ability will trigger on the first shot (assuming 90 seconds have passed). It is off cooldown when the Immortal comes into play.
“Autocast” can be turned off. This ability can be manually cast.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Ranged Blaster”. It gives the Immortal +1 Attack Range (up to 7 from 6).
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Shield Beast”. It gives the Immortal Armor and Shield Regeneration.
There are three levels.
The first level gives +2 Shield Armor and +200% Shield Regeneration over 10 Seconds. The Shield Regeneration Rate is 6/Second during this time. The cooldown is 100 Seconds.
The second level gives +3 Shield Armor and +300% Shield Regeneration over 10 Seconds.
The third level gives +4 Shield Armor and +400% Shield Regeneration over 10 Seconds. This is 10 Shield Regeneration per second.
This ability is automatically activated when the Immortal drops below 50 in Shield Value (out of 100). “Autocast” can be turned off. It can be activated manually.
I believe these upgrades should help the Immortal scale into the late game.
I have seen so many Starcraft 2 pros hold IMPOSSIBLE timing attacks with an Immortal in the red, a Shield Battery, and some Probes!
High Templars
UPGRADE 1: The upgrade “Psionic Storm” gets 3 (!) NEW UPGRADES.
The first upgrade gives +1 Cast Range (up to 10 from 9).
The second upgrade gives +10 Damage (up to 90 from 80) and Reduces Friendly Fire Damage by 50% (down from 100%).
The third upgrade gives +10 Damage (up to 100) and Reduces Friendly Fire Damage by 50% (down to 0%).
When maxed out, “Psionic Storm” will have:
+1 Cast Range
+20 Damage
100% Friendly Fire Damage Reduction
These upgrades would be expensive – and take a long time. Because they would have a large impact on the game.
Here is the Cost & Time of each upgrade:
“Psionic Storm” is 200/200 over 79 seconds.
The first upgrade would be 250/250 over 100 seconds.
The second upgrade would be 300/300 over 120 seconds.
The third upgrade would be 350/350 over 140 seconds.
We are well into the – DEEP – Late Game before these upgrades are done!
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Shield Mastery”. It gives High Templars +20/+40/+60 Shield Points. Three levels. They get +60 Shield at max level.
This ability also increases the Shield Regeneration rate by +20%/+40%/+60%. +60% Shield Regeneration at max level. This increases Shield Regeneration rate to 3.2 – from 2.0 per second.
This gives them 100 Shield Points (up from 40) with a Shield Regeneration Rate of 3.2 – at max level.
This ability makes them extra strong behind Photon Cannons – and supported by Shield Batteries.
UPGRADE 3: The skill “Feedback” will have two upgrades. “Feedback” drains Energy from the target and does Damage.
The first upgrade gives +1 Cast Range (up to 11 from 10) and +25% Damage (up to 75% from 50%).
The second upgrade gives +1 Cast Range (up to 12) and +25% Damage (up to 100% of Energy drained).
At max level “Feedback” will:
12 Cast Range (up from 10)
Drains All Energy From Target
Does 100% of Energy as Damage
These upgrades will increase “Cast Range” by +20% (10 to 12) and “Damage” by 100% (50% to 100%).
There is a secondary effect.
The surplus Energy that is drained with the “Feedback” ability – will be absorbed into the Shield Value of the High Templar. There is no max limit to this Shield Value. It will stay with the High Templar for 180 Seconds.
If this High Templar morphs into an Archon, that Archon will inherit that boosted Shield Value.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Psi Mastery”. It gives attack damage and makes the attacks “bounce” to additional targets.
The first level gives +4 Damage (up to 8 from 4) and makes the attack bounce to a secondary target.
The second level adds another +4 damage (up to 12) – and adds a third target.
At max level a this ability will:
Attack 3 Different Targets
Do 12 Damage to Each Target
This attack can also bounce among buildings, but it prioritizes units.
There is a secondary effect.
Each extra target hit will consume 1 Energy + 1 Shield Value from the High Templar. This ability can be turned on and off.
This upgrade is meant to make the normal attack of High Templars more useful.
From 4 Damage to 1 Target – to 12 Damage to 3 Targets. That is a percentage increase of 900%! Wow!
Isn’t that something?
Archons
Archons are sparingly used in professional Starcraft 2 play. You see them in some Protoss “Death Balls”, and in some “Timing Attacks”.
But they should have more uses than that.
I would like Archons to be viable in:
Harassment
Timing Attacks
Defense
Late Game Armies
The main drawback of Archons is that:
They are slow
They have short attack range
Stimmed “Bio” will RUN all over them! A Roach/Hydra army will “Kite” them to DEATH!
Yeah. No joke.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Psionic Reach”. It gives Archons +1 Attack Range (up to 4 from 3).
Okay. One problem SOLVED!
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Sturdy Shield”. It gives shield value – and shield armor.
There are three levels.
It gives +10/+20/+30 Shield Value (up to 380 from 350)
It gives +1/+2/+3 Shield Armor (up to 3 from 0)
It gives +30 Shield Value and +3 Shield Armor at max level.
Remember that the Archons also benefit from the Shield Armor upgrades at the Forge. You also have Unit Specific Shield Upgrades.
Okay.
Let’s break this down.
Let’s examine a game where Archons have completed ALL SHIELD UPGRADES.
In this case:
Archons would have +3 Armor from the “Sturdy Shield” upgrade.
They would also have +5 Armor from the Forge Shield Upgrades.
They would also have +2.5 Armor from the Unit Specific Shield Upgrades.
Let’s picture 10 Fully Upgraded Archons against 1000 Zerglings without upgrades.
In a choke point!
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Psionic Bounce”.
It makes the Archon attack bounce to the nearest building (when attacking a building). Damaging two buildings with every attack.
The second level would make the attack bounce to two additional buildings. Damaging three buildings with every attack.
The third level would make it bounce to three additional buildings. Damaging four buildings with every attack.
This makes Archons effective demolishers of buildings.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Psionic Splash”. It increases the “Splash Radius” – and Attack Speed of the Archon attack.
There are four levels.
Each level gives +0.1 Splash Radius and +5% Attack Speed.
+0.1 Splash Radius + 5% Attack Speed (Level 1)
+0.2 Splash Radius + 10% Attack Speed (Level 2)
+0.3 Splash Radius + 15% Attack Speed (Level 3)
+0.4 Splash Radius + 20% Attack Speed (Level 4)
This gives +0.4 Splash Radius and +20% Attack Speed – at max level.
This will give it a “Splash Radius” of 1.4 (up from 1). This is an increase of +40%. “Splash Attacks” works on both ground and air units.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Suicide Blink”. It allows the Archon to:
Teleport anywhere on the map
+60% Attack Speed
+10% Movement Speed
-0.5 Hit Point/Second
-17.5 Shield Value/Second
–This will kill them after 20 Seconds – if they do not take damage.
However, they also get +1 Hit Point and 35 Shield Value – for every 1 Kill they get. “Massive” Units count as 2 Kills. Buildings count as 3 Kills.
Their maximum hp and shield can extend beyond the normal range with this mechanism. An Archon’s hp is normally 10 – and the shield is 350.
An Archon that manages to gain 20 hp (+10 hp) – and 700 (+350 shield) shield – will become a normal Archon again.
It will retain a:
+30% attack speed boost
+5% movement speed boost
+100% shield regeneration rate (up to 4 from 2).
20 Hit Point Value
700 Shield Value (if this is double)
By any account, this will be a “Super Archon”.
A “Superior Being” among mere “Mortals”!
Carriers
There are three problems with Carriers.
The FIRST is that they are expensive and take a long time to build.
The SECOND is that they have hard counters which make them almost useless (Corruptors + Vikings + Tempests).
The THIRD is that they are slow and immobile.
The first upgrade – listed below – solves the third problem. Which also helps them deal with counters, which provides a soft counter to the second problem.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Speedy Escape”. There are three levels. The movement speed of a Carrier is increased by +25%/+50%/+75% for 5 seconds. 30 second cooldown.
This gives it a +75% Movement Speed Boost over 5 Seconds – at max level.
Whenever this ability has not been used for 60 Seconds, it gains a second stack. Whenever it has not been used for another 120 Seconds, it provides a third stack.
This ability can be set to “Autocast”, whenever the Carrier takes hull damage. But it starts off with a manual activation. A group of Carriers can activate this ability at the same time.
There is a secondary effect.
Carriers passively gain 10% of the bonus movement speed. This gives them a permanent +7.5% Movement Speed Boost at max level.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Flying Steel”. It gives bonus armor. There are three levels. They give +1/+2/+3 Armor. This gives the Carrier +3 Armor at max level (up to 5 from 3).
There is a secondary effect.
Interceptors gain +0.5 Armor per upgrade. This gives them +0.5/+1/+1.5 Armor. They get +1.5 Armor (up from 0) at max level.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Interceptor Mastery”. It increases the amount of Interceptors, their hit points, and their shield value.
There are two levels.
The first level gives:
+1 Interceptor (up to 9 from 8)
+1 Interceptor Damage (up to 6 from 5)
+5 Interceptor Hit Points (up to 45 from 40)
+5 Interceptor Shield Value (up to 45 from 40)
The second level gives:
+1 Interceptor (up to 10)
+1 Interceptor Damage (up to 7)
+5 Interceptor Hit Points (up to 50)
+5 Interceptor Shield Value (up to 50)
This gives the Carrier +2 Interceptors. Each Interceptor also gets +1 Damage, +10 Hit Points, and +10 Shield Value.
Somebody once called “Carriers” for “Flying Siege Tanks”.
But nobody knows who said it!
Colossus
The Colossus – WILL NOT – be forgotten in this patch!
It will get some cool upgrades. For sure!
Their skill “Extended Thermal Lance” will be split into three different upgrades.
UPGRADE 1: The popular skill “Extended Thermal Lance” is split into three different upgrades. Each upgrade gives +1 Attack Range. They give +1/+2/+3 Attack Range. This gives the Colossus +3 Attack Range at max level.
This upgrade will give the Colossus an early mid-game power spike, since the first attack upgrade will be finished when the first Colossus comes out.
The Colossus will be about the same in the mid-game (the rest of it). But the Colossus will have a late game power spike – since it would have 10 Attack Range (up from the previous max of 9).
There is a secondary effect.
This attack range upgrade passively increases the attack range of other ranged Protoss units (that are on the ground).
Yes.
Here is a list of affected units:
Stalker
Adept
Immortal
Archon
High Templar
Each upgrade gives these units +0.2 Attack Range per upgrade. This becomes +0.2/+0.4/+0.6 Attack Range. All units get +0.6 Attack Range – at max level.
RANGE 0-10: Units within Range 10 of the Colossus get this bonus (+0.2/+0.4/+0.6).
RANGE 11-20: Units within Range 11-20 get half the bonus (+0.1/+0.2/+0.3).
There is no effect beyond Range 20.
A fully upgraded Archon will have 4.6 Attack Range when benefiting from this passive ability (3 + 1 + 0.6 = 4.6).
This bonus is proportionately better for units with a lower attack range, since the bonus is in fixed numbers (and not a percentage).
Remember that only ground units benefit from this increased attack range aura.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Robotic Legs”. It gives the Colossus a movement speed boost.
It gets +3%/+6%/+9% Movement Speed. There are three levels. The Colossus gets +9% Movement Speed at max level.
There is another effect.
This bonus speed is doubled (+6%/+12%/+18%) for 15 Seconds when the Colossus is brought into the game. This enables it to run to the other side of the map and attack!
It is also doubled (+6%/+12%/+18%) for 7.5 Seconds when the Colossus takes hull damagefor the first time.
This bonus speed is only activated those two times.
But wait. There is more!
There is a secondary effect.
The movement speed upgrade passively increases movement speed of friendly ground units nearby. The movement speed bonus is +1%/+2%/+3%. It is +3% Movement Speed at max level.
RANGE 0-10: Units within Range 10 get this bonus (+1%/+2%/+3%).
RANGE 11-20: Units within Range 11-20 get half this bonus (+0.5%/+1%/+1.5%).
Only ground units are affected by this bonus.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Air Dispersion”. This upgrade reduces damage taken from all air units. This upgrade is a soft counter to Vikings, Corruptors, and Tempests.
There are five levels.
The first level gives 10% Damage Reduction from all air units.
The second level gives 20% Damage Reduction from all air units.
The third level gives 30% Damage Reduction from all air units.
The fourth level takes all this reduced damage and sends it back to the attacker. 30% of incoming damage is reduced – and sent back to the attacker.
This effect is passive. It only works against air attacks.
The fifth level gives the Colossus an active ability that temporarily enables this ability to reduce and return damage from ground attacks.
For 5 Seconds, the Colossus will reduce and return damage from ground attacks – and air attacks – with 30%.
This ability starts off with “Autocast”. In this case, it will activate automatically when the Colossus takes hull damage from ground attacks.
“Autocast” can be turned off. It can also be manually activated.
This is actually THE ONLY upgrade in this entire Game Patch with 5 LEVELS!
Okay, man. Whatever.
#sowhat
Sentries
The Sentry will be given – SEVERAL – big upgrades with a LARGE IMPACT on gameplay.
Yes.
YOU BET!
I really like this version of the Sentry actually!
UPGRADE 1: The inherent skill “Hallucination” is given 3 (!) UPGRADES!
The word “Inherent” – means that the skill is available when the unit is made.
In Starcraft 2, Hallucinated units have normal hit points, but take double damage. They do no damage.
The first upgrade:
Reduces Damage Taken to +75% (down from +100%).
It enables the “Hallucination” to do 25% Damage (a normal unit does 100%).
Duration is Increased to 60 Seconds (up from 43).
The second upgrade:
Reduces Damage Taken to +50% (down from +100%).
It enables the “Hallucination” to do 50% Damage (a normal unit does 100%).
Duration is Increased to 77 Seconds.
The third upgrade:
Reduces Damage Taken to +25% (down from +100%).
It enables the “Hallucination” to do 75% Damage (a normal unit does 100%).
Duration is Increased to 94 Seconds.
A fully upgraded “Hallucination” is going to be:
Durable
Do Damage
Last Long Lime
5-10 Sentries could spawn a – SMALL ARMY – which could fly around and – CAUSE HAVOC – on the enemy!
This would be a very interesting addition to the game.
I like it.
I just gave MYSELF a compliment.
#fail
UPGRADE 2: The inherent skill “Force Field” will get two upgrades. Each upgrade increases cast range, makes “Force Fields” larger, and creates a secondary smaller “Force Field” – if the first one is destroyed.
The first upgrade will give:
+1 Cast Range (up to 6 from 5)
+10% Force Field Size
If the first “Force Field” is destroyed, a secondary “Force Field” will spawn in the same location 2 Seconds later. This Force Field will be 50% Smaller than the original.
The second upgrade will give:
+1 Cast Range (up to 7)
+10% Force Field Size
If the first “Force Field” is destroyed, a secondary “Force Field” will spawn in the same location 1 Second later. This Force Field will be 50% Smaller than the original.
This effect creates a “Soft Counter” to units that themselves counter “Force Fields” (Ravagers/Massive Units).
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Air Fields”. It enables a Sentry to cast a large “Air Field” – which targets air units. This “Air Field” will create a 50% movement slow, and a 50% attack speed slow (in that area).
All air units in this area are affected (not just enemy units).
UPGRADE 4: The rarely used skill “Guardian Shield” – will get two MAJOR UPGRADES.
The first upgrade will:
Increase the Guardian Shield Range by +1 (5.5 instead of 4.5).
It will also give the Sentry extra protection against ranged attacks (3 instead of 2).
Duration is increased by 1.14 seconds (up to 14 from 12.86).
The second upgrade will:
Increase the Guardian Shield Range by +1 (6.5 instead of 4.5).
It will also give the Sentry extra protection against ranged attacks (4 instead of 2).
Duration is increased by 1 second (up to 15 from 12.86).
At max level the “Guardian Shield” has 6.5 Range, gives casting Sentry 2 Extra Armor vs ranged attacks (on top of the shield itself), and lasts for 15 Seconds.
I will also introduce some “Quality of Life” changes for Sentry users!
KEEP READING!
AUTOCAST: It will be possible to put the “Guardian Shield” skill on “Autocast”. It will activate whenever a unit by the Sentry takes damage from a ranged attack.
This enables a player to put this skill on autocast on 1-2 Sentries within the army.
FRIENDLY BUILDING: I will also enable this skill to protect buildings from ranged attacks. Yes. The Sentry can also place the “Guardian Shield” itself on the building. It will have the exact same effect (as if put on a unit). But it clearly wouldn’t be mobile (since it is a Protoss building).
ENEMY BUILDING: I will also enable this skill to target enemy buildings. It would have the reverse effect. It would increase ranged damage by +2 and +4 to the main building. It would also give vision over that area.
FRIENDLY UNIT: I would also enable the Sentry to put the Guardian Field on a friendly unit. This would allow you to put this valuable effect on a big durable unit like an Immortal/Archon/Colossus/Carrier. This unit would also get double protection from ranged attacks (4 instead of 2).
For this effect to BE BALANCED, the Energy Cost might have to be increased to 75 (up from 50). Another solution is to reduce the duration to 10 Seconds (down from 15).
ENEMY UNIT: I would also allow the Sentry to put this “Guardian Shield” on enemy units. It would have the reverse effect. It would increase ranged damage by +2, and +4 to the main target. You would also get vision over that area.
PARTIAL STACKING: I will also enable this skill to “Partially Stack”. This means that you get half the effect – for every Guardian Shield after the first! The effect is reduced by 50% at every step.
Here is an example:
The first Guardian Shield gives -2 damage from ranged attacks.
The second Guardian Shield gives -1 damage from ranged attacks (half of 2).
The third Guardian Shield gives -0.5 damage from ranged attacks (half of 1).
3 Guardian Shields will negate -3.5 Damage from Ranged Attacks.
In this redesign of the “Guardian Shield” skill we got:
Boosted Stats
Extra Range
Extra Duration
Autocast
Targeting Friendly Buildings
Targeting Enemy Buildings
Targeting Friendly Units
Targeting Enemy Units
Partial Stacking
Wow.
That is a lot of changes for a single ability.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Durable Sentry”. It gives the Sentry +10 Hit Points and +10 Shield. There are three levels. Gives +30/+30 Hit Points and Shield at max level.
This is 70/70 (up from 40/40).
This upgrade increases the durability of Sentries, which is sorely needed. Sentries are slow, weak, and do little damage.
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Better Beam”. It increases Sentry damage with +1/+2/+3. Three levels. +3 Damage at max level (up to 9 from 6).
These upgrades makes Sentries more viable in direct engagements. As they have more Hit Points – and do more Damage.
There is a secondary effect.
ENERGY STEAL: When a Sentry fires at another unit, they Steal 3 Energy Second (at max level).
SHIELD STEAL: But when they have no more Energy to “Steal”, the Sentry starts taking their “Shield” instead.
The Sentry can “Steal” 350 Shield Points from an Archon, rendering it useless in battle. But that Sentry will now have a Shield Value of 390 (without upgrades).
A Sentry can never have more than 400 Shield Value. The effect is permanent.
This effect allows a player to “Sacrifice” some Units – in order to boost others.
Any other friendly Unit with Energy – or Shield – can be used as a source.
Void Rays
Back in the EARLY DAYS of Starcraft 2, the “Void Ray” was a highly popular unit. It then got “Nerfed” – and “Fell Out of Fashion”.
But when it got a large movement speed boost – it made a comeback.
It is – STILL – not a popular unit among professional Starcraft 2 Protoss players. I want to change that!
UPGRADE 1: The inherent skill “Prismatic Alignment” will be given 3 (!) NEW UPGRADES.
The skill “Prismatic Alignment” gives Void Rays +6 Damage to Armored Units/Buildings. It lasts for 14.3 Seconds. It slows for 25%. It has a cooldown of 43 Seconds.
The first upgrade gives:
+2 Damage to Armored Targets (up to 8 from 6)
-12.5% Slow (down to 12.5 from 25%)
-3 Second Cooldown (down to 40 from 43)
The second upgrade gives:
+2 Damage to Armored Targets (up to 10)
-12.5% Slow (down to 0%)
-3 Second Cooldown (down to 37 Seconds)
The third upgrade gives:
20% Main Target Movement Speed Slow
10% Area Slow (Within Range 2 of Main Target)
-3 Second Cooldown (down to 34 Seconds)
When the second upgrade is done, the Void Ray is not slowed by “Prismatic Alignment” anymore.
The third upgrade makes the Void Ray slow the target by 20%. Enemy units around the target are slowed by 10%.
SHIELD HEAL: The skill “Prismatic Alignment” allows the Void Ray to heal your own building by firing at them. But it can only heal the “Shield” (not the hull).
MAX SHIELD VALUE: When “Prismatic Alignment” is used on a friendly building for the first time, it unlocks that building’s “Max Shield Value”. Any surplus heal will increase that building’s “Max Shield Value”. The “Healing Rate” is 50% of the damage.
Max Shield value is 1000% of that building’s original shield value. Photon Cannons, Shield Batteries, and Nexus cannot be targeted.
A Void Ray can heal for 14.3 Seconds at the time, since this is the duration of “Prismatic Alignment”. A specific building’s “Max Shield Value” – can only be changed one time during a game.
COST: Void Rays will take 2% of their max hp + shield value per second while attacking and healing buildings. This is 5 Damage/Second. A Void Ray starts taking Hull Damage after 20 Seconds of firing/healing.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Double Attack”. It enables a Void Ray to target – TWO – Light Units at the same time.
This upgrade just has one level. This would enable them to harass workers – and smaller light units.
Void Rays already do bonus damage to Armored Units, this gives them a boost against Light Units.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Smooth Shield”. It increases Shield Value and Shield Regeneration.
Shield Value is increased by +25/+50/+75. +75 Shield Points at max level (up to 175 from 100). This gives the Void Ray 150 Hit Points and 175 Shield.
Shield Regeneration is increased by +25%/+50%/+75%. This gives +75% Shield Regeneration at max level (up to 3.5 from 2).
Warp Prisms
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Prismatic Medication”. It gives the Warp Prism +10 Hit Points and +0.5 Hit Point Regeneration per Second.
The second upgrade gives another +10 Hit Points and +0.5 Hit Point Regeneration.
This gives the Warp Prism 100 Hit Points and 100 Shield Points – at max level. It also has 1 Hit Point Regeneration/Second.
This upgrade allows a Warp Prism to be more active across the map. This allows it to regenerate.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Cargo Mastery”. It increases “Cargo Size” – and the “Pickup Range” of Ground Units.
There are two upgrades.
The first upgrade gives:
+1 Cargo Size (up to 9 from 8)
+0.5 Pickup Range (up to 5.5 from 5)
The second upgrade gives:
+1 Cargo Size (up to 10)
+0.5 Pickup Range (up to 6)
This upgrade gives +2 Cargo Size and +1 Pickup Range – at max level.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Armored Alignment”. It gives the Warp Prism extra Hull Armor and Shield Armor.
There are two upgrades.
The first upgrade gives:
+1 Armor (up to 1 from 0)
+1 Shield Armor (up to 1 from 0)
The second upgrade gives:
+1 Armor
+1 Shield Armor
This gives the Warp Prism +2 Armor and +2 Shield Armor – at max level.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Superior Conduit”. It enables the Warp Prism to temporarily strengthen units that it warps in.
There are three levels.
The first level gives:
+1 Shield Armor (up to 1 from 0)
+100% Shield Regeneration (up to 4/second from 2)
+3% Movement Speed
Duration: 10 Seconds
When the “Warp Prism” enters “Phase Mode”, this bonus is given to all units that are warped in during the next 10 Seconds.
This effect has a cooldown of 60 Seconds. This cooldown affects all of your Warp Prisms (not just one).
The second level gives:
+1 Shield Armor (up to 2)
+100% Shield Regeneration (up to 6/second)
+3% Movement Speed (up to +6%)
Duration: 15 Seconds (up from 10)
The third level gives:
+1 Shield Armor (up to 3)
+100% Shield Regeneration (up to 8/second)
+3% Movement Speed (up to +9%)
Duration: 20 Seconds
The fourth level gives:
+1 Shield Armor (up to 4)
+100% Shield Regeneration (up to 10/second)
+3% Movement Speed (up to +12%)
Duration: 25 Seconds
At max level this upgrade gives:
+4 Shield Armor
+400% Shield Regeneration
+12% Movement Speed
Duration: 25 Seconds
This upgrade enables the Protoss Player to warp in Gateway Units that are STRONGER – and FASTER – than normal!
UPGRADE 5: This upgrade is called “Risky Warp”. It allows the Warp Prism to warp in Units from the Robotics Facility – and the Stargate.
The “Warping” time is only 20% of normal build time. The Carrier normally takes 64 Seconds to build. It is “Warped” into the game in 12.8 Seconds.
There is, however, a cost!
The Warp Prism, Building, and Unit takes damage equal to their maximum shield value. The unit comes into play without shields (but it will regenerate).
If they were full hp and full shield before, they will simply lose all their shield (due to this damage).
For every unit that is warped in this way, the failure rate increases by +5%. It is 0% on the first unit. It is 5% on the second unit. It is 10% on the third unit.
And so on.
A Units that “Fails” to be Warped into the game, will come into play with 1 Hit Point, and explode 1 Second later.
This will do 2% of Max Hit Points + Shield as Damage/Second for 10 Seconds, to all Units and Buildings within Range 10.
This will do 20% of Max HP + Shield over 10 Seconds.
This is a “high-risk high-reward” mechanism that allows you to – COME BACK – into THE GAME!
Probes
“Probes” will be given 4 (!) NEW UPGRADES in this patch.
Let’s do this.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Shared Shield”. Whenever a Probe takes shield damage, that damage is shared equally among all Probes in that area. The search area is Range 10 from the Probe that takes damage.
There are four levels.
The first level gives:
+1 Second Shared Damage Duration
+1 Shield Armor (1 up from 0)
+100% Shield Regeneration (4 up from 2)
80 Seconds Cooldown
All Probes in this area get these bonuses. But they only get these bonuses while the damage is shared. This is only for 1 Second – at Level 1.
The second level gives:
+1 Second Shared Damage Duration (up to 2 seconds)
+1 Shield Armor (up to 2)
+100% Shield Regeneration (up to 6/second)
-15 Seconds Cooldown (down to 65 seconds)
The third level gives:
+1 Second Shared Damage Duration (up to 3 seconds)
+1 Shield Armor (up to 3)
+100% Shield Regeneration (up to 8/second)
-15 Seconds Cooldown (down to 50 seconds)
The fourth level gives:
+1 Second Shared Damage Duration (up to 4 seconds)
+1 Shield Armor (up to 4)
+100% Shield Regeneration (up to 10/second)
-15 Seconds Cooldown (down to 35 seconds)
At max level this ability gives:
4 Second Shared Damage Duration
+4 Shield Armor
+400% Shield Regeneration (this is 10/second)
35 Second Cooldown
10+ PROBES: At least 10 Probes have to be present for this effect to be triggered.
2-9 PROBES: A “Reduced Version” of this effect will trigger with 2-9 Probes. The “Shared Damage Duration” and “Cooldown” will be reduced by 50% in this case. This makes the duration 1.5 Seconds and the Cooldown 17.5 Seconds at max level.
This effect does not trigger with only one probe.
SORRY BRO! YOU ARE BY YOURSELF!
#sorry
#lonely
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Nimble Hands”. It increases the speed at which Probes warp in new buildings.
The Building Time is reduced by -3% per level. This is -3%/-6%/-9% Building Time. This gives -9% Build Time at max level.
This upgrade applies to ALL PROBES – and ALL BUILDINGS.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Happy Worker”. It reduces the time it takes to build new Probes. There are four levels. They reduce the Probe Building Time with -0.5/-1/-1.5/-2 Seconds.
It gives -2 Second Probe Build Time at max level. This reduces it to 10 Seconds (up from 12).
This upgrade should have a high impact earlier in the game – since you are building a lot of probes!
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Chrono Freak”. It allows a Nexus to “Chrono Boost” individual Probes. This will increase their movement speed and resource collection rate by 22.5%.
They will also carry +2 Minerals/Gas every single trip. When a probe gets this boost, the very first building they build (warp in) is Built 22.5% Faster.
A player can use this effect to build key buildings extra fast, in order to hit specific timing attacks.
It can also be used for “Scouting”, and “Resource Collection”.
Tempests
The Tempest will be given 4 (!) NEW UPGRADES.
I actually like these upgrades a lot.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Double Twin”. It allows two tempests to unite side-by-side – and form one single flying unit.
This will cost 25/25 and take 25 seconds.
This unit will have:
400 Hit Points and 200 Shield (double from one Tempest)
+1 Attack Range (up to 14 from 13)
+1 Armor (up to 3 from 2)
+50% Shield Regeneration (3/second up from 2)
This unit will fire two Tempest shots every time, so it will do the exact same amount of damage (as two Tempests).
This Tempest has the same movement speed – and attack speed – as normal Tempests.
There is a secondary effect.
This large “Double Twin Tempest” will fire +1 Tempest Shot (3 instead of 2) once every 25 Seconds. This gives +50% Damage on that shot.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Stay Put”. It works for both normal “Tempests” – and “Double Twin Tempests”.
This ability gives the Tempest:
+3 Shield Armor
+300% Shield Regeneration (8/second)
+100% Attack Speed
–for 5 Seconds. The Tempest cannot move during this time.
The Tempest will automatically target the enemy unitthat is closest to them (the player cannot choose target).
This ability has a 60 Second Cooldown.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Unlimited Warp”. This allows the Tempest to teleport anywhere on the map one time every 5 minutes. Cooldown is 300 seconds.
Jumping time – and Landing time – is 3 Seconds each. The Tempest loses all Hull Armor – and Shield Armor – when Jumping and Landing.
There are three levels.
The second level reduces Cooldown to 250 Seconds. Jumping and Landing Time is reduced to 2 Seconds (from 3 seconds).
The third level reduces Cooldown to 200 Seconds. Jumping and Landing Time is reduced to only 1 Second.
This upgrade also applies to the larger “Double Twin” Tempests.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Kinetic Deflection”. It gives Shield and Movement Speed.
There are four levels.
The first level gives:
+25 Shield Points (up to 125 from 100)
+3% Movement Speed
The second level gives:
+25 Shield Points (up to 150)
+3% Movement Speed (up to +6%)
The third level gives:
+25 Shield Points (up to 175)
+3% Movement Speed (up to +9%)
The fourth level gives:
+25 Shield Points (up to 200)
+3% Movement Speed (up to +12%)
This gives the Tempest +100 Shield and +12% Movement Speed – at max level.
This gives it 200 Hit Points and 200 Shield.
Oracles
Oracles are given 6 (!) NEW UPGRADES. The existing abilities Stasis Field + Revelation – have been given new upgrades and uses.
Let’s keep going.
UPGRADE 1: The skill “Stasis Field” will gain two upgrades. These upgrades will enable your units to attack enemy units inside the “Stasis Field”.
The first upgrade gives your units the ability to attack enemy units that are “Frozen” – inside a “Stasis Field”. Your units will do 25% Damage (compared to normal). Your attack damage is reduced by 75%.
The second upgrade makes you do 50% Damage (compared to normal). Your attack damage is reduced by 50%.
This is calculated after armor reduction.
BUILDINGS: The “Stasis Ward” can affect buildings. These buildings will stop their production/upgrades when “Frozen” by the “Stasis Ward”.
UPGRADE 2: The skill “Revelation” gains four upgrades. Each upgrade increases the duration of “Revelation”.
The upgrades give +5/+10/+15/+20 Seconds Duration. “Revelation” gains +20 Second Duration at max level (up to 40 seconds from 20).
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Photon Overdrive”. It can only be applied to Photon Cannons. It gives +2 Attack Range and +100% Attack Speed for 20 Seconds. Costs 50 Energy.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Protected Building”. It reduces incoming damage to that building by 50% for 20 seconds. Costs 50 Energy.
This ability is useful to protect the Nexus, Photon Cannons, or Shield Batteries.
UPGRADE 5: This ability is called “Protected Group”. It reduces incoming damage to that group by 25% for 5 seconds. Costs 50 Energy.
This ability should be useful in large battles.
UPGRADE 6: This upgrade is called “Ranged Pain”. It gives +1 Attack Range (up to 5 from 4).
UPGRADE 7: This upgrade is called “Energy Mastery”. It gives Extra Energy and Energy Regeneration.
There are three levels.
The first level gives:
+30 Energy (up to 230 from 200)
+20% Energy Regeneration
The second level gives:
+20 Energy (up to 260)
+20% Energy Regeneration (up to +40% Energy Regeneration)
The third level gives:
+30 Energy (up to 290)
+20% Energy Regeneration (up to +60% Energy Regeneration)
This gives +90 Energy and +60% Energy Regeneration at max level.
UPGRADE 8: This upgrade is called “Nirvana”. It gives several important bonuses to the “Oracle” – if it reaches “Full Energy” (200/200 Energy).
An Oracle with “Full Energy” Becomes “Cloaked” until it loses Energy.
While it is “Cloaked”, it gains several bonuses:
BONUS 1: +0.9 Movement Speed
BONUS 2: +140 Shield Points
BONUS 3: +3 Shield Armor
BONUS 4: +3 Sight (increased vision)
BONUS 5: 5 Range Detection
These bonuses go away if it spends “Energy”, since this will drop it below “Full Energy”. But they will come back once the Oracle reaches “Full Energy” again. Yeah.
These bonuses should turn the Oracle into a highly MOBILE – and EFFECTIVE “Surveillance Machine”.
I’m sorry if I “oversold” that a little bit.
Adepts
The “Adept” is the FORGOTTEN unit of Starcraft 2.
Casual players don’t build them – because they are hard to use – and do not scale well.
Professional players will build them for early worker harassment. And in some “Timing Attacks” vs Zerg with “Resonating Glaives”.
They are EXTREMELY GOOD vs Zerglings! Apart from that – you really don’t see them. I cannot think of another unit that scales – WORSE – into the late game.
To solve this, I will give them several new upgrades.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Overbearing Boss”. It gives Damage, Armor, Hit Points, and Shield.
There are four levels.
The first level gives:
+2 Damage (up to 12 from 10)
+0.5 Armor (up to 1.5 from 1)
+5 Hit Points (up to 75 from 70)
+5 Shield (up to 75 from 70)
The second level gives:
+2 Damage (up to 14)
+0.5 Armor (up to 2)
+5 Hit Points (up to 80)
+5 Shield (up to 80)
The third level gives:
+2 Damage (up to 16)
+0.5 Armor (up to 2.5)
+5 Hit Points (up to 85)
+5 Shield (up to 85)
The fourth level gives:
+2 Damage (up to 18)
+0.5 Armor (up to 3)
+5 Hit Points (up to 90)
+5 Shield (up to 90)
At max level the Adept gets:
+8 Damage
+2 Armor
+20 Hit Points
+20 Shield
UPGRADE 2: The upgrade “Resonating Glaives” is turned into three upgrades. They give +20%/+40%/+60% Attack Speed.
At max level this upgrade gives +60% Attack Speed.
POWER SPIKE: This would give Adepts a faster early game power spike. Because the first upgrade (which gives +20% Attack Speed) would hit much faster than “Resonating Glaives” (which gives +45% Attack Speed).
The second upgrade (which gives +40% Attack Speed) would hit at the same time as “Resonating Glaives” (which gives +45% Attack Speed). This power spike is therefore the same.
The third upgrade would hit later and give more attack speed (60% vs 45%) than “Resonating Glaives”, giving Adepts a third power spike later in the game.
Turning a big upgrade – into several smaller upgrades – allows a unit to achieve many more “Power Spikes” throughout the game.
It also gives the player more choice, which allows for a diversification in playing styles.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Armor Penetration”. It increases damage to “Armored” targets (units + buildings).
There are three levels. They give +5/+10/+15 Damage to “Armored” targets. The Adept gets +15 Damage to “Armored” targets at max level.
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Ranged Glory”. It gives Adepts +1 Attack Range (up to 5 from 4).
I think these upgrades would turn the Adept into a versatile unit in Attack, Defense, and Harassment!
#maybe
#kinda
Protoss Building Upgrades
Stargate + Robotics Facility
Both the Stargate and Robotics Facility will have an upgrade called “Speedwarping”.
This speeds up the building process – at the cost of taking damage per second. It also costs minerals.
Here is a breakdown:
The Stargate will take 24 Damage/Second.
The Robotics Facility will take 17 Damage/Second.
This amounts to 2% of their maximum Hit Points + Shield (1200 vs 900).
This ability can be turned on and off.
It costs 1 Mineral/Second.
Building Speed is increased by +40%.
This upgrade also unlocks another option.
It is called “Deathwarping”.
This ability increases Building Speed by +100%.
This ability will do 2% of the building’s Maximum Hit Points + Shield – in damage per second.
The building will last 54 Seconds (without external heals).
This ability costs 1 Mineral + 1 Gas/Second.
This ability cannot be turned off.
It will keep going until the building is destroyed.
These two abilities allow a struggling player to rush out expensive high technology units – at the expense of building health.
Shield Batteries
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Buddy System”. It enables two Shield Batteries to link up – and help each other.
They get more:
Hit Points
Armor
Shield
Healing Benefits
Both Shield Batteries get:
+100 Hit Points (up to 300 from 200)
+100 Shield (up to 300 from 200)
+1 Armor (up to 2 from 1)
They also heal each other more effectively.
Each point of energy will heal 4 Shield Points (instead of the normal 3). This extra powerful heal will also 1 Hit Point per instance.
1 Point of Energy will heal 4 Shield Points – and 1 Hit Point (it heals 5 points instead of 3).
Both Shield Batteries will always heal each other before ANY other target!
BROS FOR LIFE
#noshit
There is a secondary effect.
Every 5 Minutes both Shield Batteries gain:
+50 Hit Points
+50 Shield Points
+0.5 Armor
+0.5 Shield Armor
This allows them to scale with the game – without becoming “Overpowered”.
This effect happens automatically – and requires no extra thought – or action – from the player.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Energy Management”.
It gives all Shield Batteries Shield Armor,Energy, and Shield Restore Range.
There are four levels.
The first level gives:
+1 Shield Armor (up to 1 from 0)
+20 Energy (up to 120 from 100)
+0.5 Shield Restore Range (up to 6.5 from 6)
The second level gives:
+1 Shield Armor (up to 2)
+20 Energy (up to 140)
+0.5 Shield Restore Range (up to 7)
The third level gives:
+1 Shield Armor (up to 3)
+20 Energy (up to 160)
+0.5 Shield Restore Range (up to 7.5)
The fourth level gives:
+1 Shield Armor (up to 4)
+20 Energy (up to 180)
+0.5 Shield Restore Range (up to 8)
This gives all Shield Batteries:
+4 Shield Armor
+80 Energy
+2 Shield Restore Range
–at max level.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Protective Spirit”. This ability protects all your Shield Batteries over the map.
Whenever a Shield Battery is physically damaged (beyond the shield) it gains:
+10 Armor
+5 Shield Armor
+1000% Shield Regeneration (20/second)
–for the next 10 Seconds. This amounts to 200 Shield Regeneration over 10 Seconds.
When this effect is triggered, it goes on cooldown for 120 Seconds.
There are three levels.
The second level reduces cooldown to 90 Seconds.
The third level reduces cooldown to 60 Seconds.
At max level the Shield Battery gains:
+10 Armor
+5 Shield Armor
+1000% Shield Regeneration
–over 10 Seconds. Cooldown is 60 Seconds.
This so-called “Protective Spirit” – WILL – prevent a specific Shield Battery from being taken out.
It gives the player time to react, in order to defend against the attack. This effect cannot be manually activated.
Nexus
UPGRADE 1: I will make several changes to the ability “Chrono Boost”. This ability increases production capacity by +50% for 20 Seconds.
STACKING: I will enable the “Chrono Boost” to stack with itself. But the benefits will diminish with each use.
The first Chrono Boost gives 50% faster production.
The second will give 40% faster production.
The third will give 30% faster production.
The fourth will give 20% faster production.
The fifth will give 10% faster production.
As you can tell, the capacity is reduced by 10% with each successive use.
You cannot use more than 5 Chrono Boosts on the same target. Using 5 Chrono Boosts on the same building will increase production with 150%.
BUILDING PRODUCTION: I will also enable Chrono Boost to speed up building production. Using “Chrono Boost” on a building will speed it up with 50% for 20 seconds.
This should enable all sorts of interesting builds, rushes, and timing attacks.
If this is too strong, the percentage can simply be reduced until a suitable level is attained. This goes for EVERY SINGLE number that is suggested in this document.
There is always a “Sweet Spot”. You just GOTTA FIND IT.
#notsex
#tryhard
STRONGER EFFECT: I will give the “Chrono Boost” upgrades to make it stronger.
UPGRADES: The “Chrono Boost” will have three upgrades. Each upgrade will boost the effect by +5%. This becomes +5%/+10%/+15%.
This will give the “Chrono Boost” +15% Effectiveness at max level. This makes it 65% – up from 50%.
The Chrono Boost:
Can Stack
Can Target Buildings
Can be Upgraded
It can even target – INDIVIDUAL PROBES – if you get that upgrade! If you forget EVERYTHING in this chapter, then REMEMBER THAT!
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called the “Final Boost”.
It gives a Nexus the ability to cast a much stronger Chrono Boost, consuming itself in the process.
A Nexus needs three things to cast it:
100% Hit Points
100% Shield Points
100% Energy (200/200)
The Nexus will be destroyed as a result. The Nexus also needs to have researched the “Final Boost” upgrade.
This “Final Boost” will increase production speed by +200% for 100 Seconds. The Nexus will take 1% of max hit points + shield/second over 100 seconds. It cannot be healed during this time, but it can be damaged.
There is a secondary effect.
SECONDARY BUILDING: A weaker version of this “Final Boost” will bounce to an identical building nearby (if there is one). It will increase production speed by 150% for 75 seconds.
THIRD BUILDING: This effect will also try to bounce to a third identical building. This building will increase production speed by 100% for 50 seconds.
There is a third effect.
SHARED DAMAGE: Buildings that are affected by this “Final Boost” (up to three) will share all incoming damage evenly. This effect is permanent – and will last for the rest of the game.
If there are three buildings, then each building takes one third (33.3%) of the incoming damage.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Invisible Hustlers” (cool name huh?).
#notreally
#stopdoingthat
It allows a Nexus and its workers to become invisible. An individual Nexus is upgraded (not all of them). It will also make all Pylons within Range 15 of the Nexus invisible.
It will also make new Nexus/Probes/Pylons that come into its field invisible.
When a Nexus is upgraded, it can throw this spell on – any Nexus – on the map (no range limit).
This allows you to upgrade a Nexus that is deep within your territory on the map, and let a new fresh Nexus (without upgrades) take the risk.
This also allows you to invest more resources into a Nexus, since it is relatively “safe”.
A Nexus will upgrade itself to the next level automatically after 180 Seconds (3 Minutes).
There are five levels.
This allows a Nexus to reach – Level Five – 12 Minutes after being upgraded.
The first level makes the Nexus and all its workers invisible for 90 Seconds. 180 Second cooldown.
Probes also work more efficiently while invisible. They move 5% faster. They collect resources 5% faster.
The second level reduces cooldown by 45 Seconds (down to 135 seconds).
Probes are more efficient while invisible. They move 10% faster. They collect resources 10% faster.
The third level reduces cooldown by 45 Seconds (down to 90 seconds). This means that the base can be permanently invisible.
If the player puts this ability on “Autocast”, it will be cast on the same target instantly when it comes off cooldown.
Probes are more efficient while invisible. They move 15% faster. They collect resources 15% faster.
The fourth level makes the Nexus, Workers, and Pylons “Double Invisible”, which means that the opponent needs two separate cases of detection in order to see it.
Probes are more efficient while invisible. They move 20% faster. They collect resources 20% faster.
The fifth level makes the first half of the “Double Invisibility” spell more potent.
The Nexus, its Workers, and surrounding Pylons will become “Completely Invisible” for the first 45 Seconds of the “Double Invisible” spell that lasts for 90 Seconds.
This spell has a 90 Second cooldown. This base will be “Invisible” 100% of the time, but it will be “Truly Invisible” for 50% of the time.
NOT BAD!
No amount of Detection can see it during this time. But the Nexus + Pylons will still take up space – and have “Collision Boxes”. So it can be discovered THAT WAY!
Your Probes will work/move 25% Faster during the entire “Double Invisible” spell that lasts for 90 Seconds.
When you reach “Level 5”, the resources that are mined will be automatically replenished by the game. This applies to both Minerals + Gas.
I once heard a well-known Starcraft 2 caster joke that “I’ve never seen a secret or hidden base work in a pro game”.
I actually agree. They get discovered. They get MERKED!
#nolonger
#artosis
Fortified Gateways
Players often build Gateways on expansions to give vision over that area – and put a “Meat Shield” between their workers/army and the enemy units.
It is possible to upgrade existing Gateways into “Fortified Gateways”. This takes 15 Seconds (one third of a Gateway).
They will have:
+250 Hit Points (up to 750 from 500)
+250 Shield (up to 750 from 500)
+1 Armor (up to 2 from 1)
+1 Sight
+50% Shield Regeneration (up to 3/second from 2)
After 5 Minutes, the “Fortified Gateway” gains the ability to make a copy of itself (FOR FREE!).
This building only takes 30 Seconds to build. This building has to be within Range 15 of the original Gateway.
When this new “Reinforced Gateway” is finished, the original “Reinforced Gateway” that made it, gains another round of the same bonuses (that it got when it became a “Reinforced Gateway”).
Which is:
+250 Hit Points
+250 Shield
+1 Armor
+1 Sight
+50% Shield Regeneration
This aged “Reinforced Gateway” will now have:
1000 Hit Points
1000 Shield
3 Armor
+2 Sight
+100% Shield Regeneration
Each new copy can make a copy of itself after 5 Minutes. When this happens, they gain the exact same bonuses that all “Reinforced Gateways” – get when they are upgraded.
These “copies” are made in only 30 Seconds – and cost nothing.
But the “Waiting Time” is reduced by 60 Seconds for every new copy within the same building chain.
This becomes:
BUILDING 1: 5 minutes
BUILDING 2: 4 minutes
BUILDING 3: 3 minutes
BUILDING 4: 2 minutes
BUILDING 5+: 1 minute (it cannot get lower than this)
It takes – at least – 15 Minutes to complete the whole chain and get 1 Minute Reinforced Gateway!
The cost of upgrading a normal “Gateway” into a “Reinforced Gateway” is increased with every single individual upgrade.
The first costs 10/10 over 10 seconds.
The second costs 20/20 over 20 seconds.
The third costs 30/30 over 30 seconds.
The fourth costs 40/40 over 40 seconds.
It keeps increasing like this.
This is because each upgraded Gateway can lead to an – entire chain – of new Gateways.
It only makes sense that you would limit players’ opportunity to start these new “Building Chains”.
There is a secondary effect.
The first:
Zealot
Stalker
Adept
–built from a Fortified Gateway permanently gains +1 Armor. This bonus applies individually to each unit. So each Fortified Gateway can deliver three different units – with one extra armor each.
This does make a difference in the early game.
#itoldyouso
#notreally
Photon Cannons
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Durable Cannon”. It gives +25 Hit Points and +25 Shield to all Photon Cannons.
There are four levels.
They give:
+25/+50/+75/+100 Hit Points
+25/+50/+75/+100 Shield
This upgrade gives +100 Hit Points and +100 Shield at max level (up to 250/250 from 150/150).
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Steady Damage”. It increases the damage of Photon Cannons.
There are four levels. They give +3/+6/+9/+12 Damage. It gives +12 Damage (up to 32 from 20) at max level.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Photon Reach”. It gives +1 Attack Range to Photon Cannons. There are two levels. It gives +2 Attack Range at max level (up to 9 from 7).
UPGRADE 4: This upgrade is called “Hero Mode”. It gives a single Photon Cannon increased attack speed over a short duration. It also reduces incoming damage to that Photon Cannon.
It is activated whenever a Photon Cannon gets a kill. It is activated automatically. All Photon Cannons share the same cooldown.
There are four levels.
The first level gives:
+40% Attack Speed
Duration: 2.5 Seconds
15% Damage Reduction
25 Second cooldown
The second level gives:
+50% Attack Speed
Duration: 3 Seconds
30% Damage Reduction
25 Second cooldown
The third level gives:
+60% Attack Speed
Duration: 3.5 Seconds
45% Damage Reduction
25 Second cooldown
The fourth level gives:
+70% Attack Speed
Duration: 4 Seconds
60% Damage Reduction
25 Second cooldown
This upgrade gives a single Photon Cannon both offensive and defensive properties. It is especially effective in small skirmishes – and against harassment.
Pylons
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Solo Scout”. It can apply to all Pylons – but it only works for Pylons that are by themselves. There can be no friendly buildings within Range 20.
It gives:
+2 Sight (up to 12 from 10)
+4 Range Detection (up to 4 from 0)
+100 Hit Points (up to 300 from 200)
+100 Shield (up to 300 from 200)
+1 Shield Armor (up to 1 from 0)
+100% Shield Regeneration (up to 4/second from 2)
This Pylon will get another round of the exact same bonuses after 5 Minutes.
They are:
+2 Sight (up to 14)
+4 Range Detection (up to 8 Range)
+100 Hit Points (up to 400)
+100 Shield (up to 400)
+1 Shield Armor (up to 2)
+100% Shield Regeneration (up to 6/second)
This Pylon will keep getting these bonuses every 5 Minutes – that it exists within the game. But the bonuses stop coming if there are friendly buildings within Range 20.
This upgrade turns a Pylon into a small – and durable – WATCH TOWER!
These Pylons can also be used to warp in Gateway troops – for support or harassment.
Assimilators
“Assimilators” aren’t the – MOST EXCITING – building in the Starcraft 2 Universe.
I GET IT!
#trustmebro
But I did make a serious attempt to give this old building something “New & Exciting”!
Okay. Here we go.
UPGRADE 1: This upgrade is called “Gasless”. This upgrade will turn the Assimilator permanently invisible. Any probe that has been inside this building the last 10 Seconds – is also affected.
If this invisible Probe starts making a building, then, this building will be invisible – up until the moment it finishes. This can be used to “hide” key buildings from the opponent.
Each Assimilator is upgraded individually. This allows you to hide your gas mining. You can also place invisible Assimilators over the map for scouting.
UPGRADE 2: This upgrade is called “Gassed”. It doubles the amount of gas that the Probe takes (up to 16 from 8). The drawback is that each probe takes 5 Damage/Trip and the Assimilator itself takes 10 Damage per trip.
It is a way for the Protoss player to gain fast gas – at the expense of Probe health – and Assimilator health.
UPGRADE 3: This upgrade is called “Durable Assimilator”. It gives the Assimilator +300 Hit Points and +300 Shield. This doubles the hit points and shield of the Assimilator.
This is a suitable upgrade whenever you steal the opponents gas, and they need that gas ASAP!
#relax
#whatever
Upgrade Philosophy
I have no connections within the computer game industry.
I realize that these ideas are never going to be implemented in reality.
I get it. But let me explain how I think.
I want units to have:
Several different upgrades
Several levels of each upgrade
This forces the player to choose. Generally speaking, the more choice – the better it is.
Yes.
For example, Dota 2 added:
Talents
Attributes
Neutral Items
New Map (much larger + many new features)
New Items
New Heroes
–and there was a – FLOOD – of new players coming back to the game! Myself included.
It was AWESOME!
The Dota 2 development team is always trying new things, and taking various risks.
Several times, now, they changed the whole game by making the three attributes:
Strength
Agility
Intelligence
–do completely different things!
Many changes end up getting REVERTED – and that is PERFECTLY OKAY.
Even change for the worse is change.
The good ideas will prevail over time.
We can all respect THE HUSTLE.
FOR REAL! I have 3838+ Hours Played in Dota 2, so I have some personal experience in this realm =).
EARLY GAME UNITS: My goal is to make all early game units viable in the mid-game – and late game – with upgrades.
MID-GAME UNITS: I want mid-game units to be viable from the moment they are made – right up until the deep late game. In order to achieve this, they need upgrades that enable them to scale into the late game.
LATE GAME UNITS: I want late game units to be viable from the moment they are made, but also in the later stages of late game. This, again, is achieved by giving them strong upgrades.
The goal is to make all:
Units
Upgrades
Buildings
–“good” – but not “overpowered”.
I also want each “ability” to have as many uses as possible. I want it to be able to target:
Friendly Units
Friendly Buildings
Enemy Units
Enemy Buildings
Maybe even give it one effect for individual units, and another (weaker) effect for targeting groups. The same concept can be applied to buildings.
Gaming companies shy away from offering a large amount of “choice” – because it makes the game more difficult to MANAGE and BALANCE.
That is true. It is 100% TRUE!
But I think it is worth the work. I think it is worth the cost. I think it is worth the risk.
Yep.
Yes.
Because:
A game’s popularity is – DIRECTLY – related to how fun it is.
Monetization is – DIRECTLY – related to its popularity.
If you make a game – REALLY FUN – the money will come!
It is a WIN-WIN.
Real World Application
How would a Gigantic Game Update like this actually be implemented in reality?
GOOD QUESTION!
The “Golden Solution” that makes everybody happy here, is to offer both versions of the game.
When you login to the actual game, there could be a box that says “Enable Experimental Starcraft 2 (OPEN BETA)”.
This box could also be put deeper into the game, inside the “Options Menu”. In this case, the player has to go there and manually enable it, in order to play it.
This is okay.
The game could also be released to the “Custom Games” community, where people can gather – and play together.
Either way.
The end goal is to make this “Modded” version of Starcraft 2 more popular – than the original game itself.
If this actually happened, it could actually replace the main game (and become the new “Default Game”).
This could only happen if:
This game mode was more popular than the original
If the game worked as an Esport (was well balanced)
If these conditions are met, I believe it could garner support from the parent company (Activision-Blizzard) who owns the rights.
They would, after all, make much more money with this new version of the game.
I know Starcraft 2 isn’t a big – MONEY MAKER – anymore, but I think this Game Mode could boost revenue significantly.
Several Versions
If I was put in charge?
If I was given the keys to the kingdom of Starcraft 2?
I would actually run several different versions of Starcraft 2 – and have them compete against each other.
Yes.
After a couple months, I would hold a Public Vote, that gives each player group equal strength.
The voting categories would be:
Casual Players
Moderate Players
Hardcore Players
Professional Players
Each group would be given a voting strength of 25%. Together they have 100%.
I would also present the numbers from the “Raw Vote”, where every single vote counts the same.
Anyway.
This vote would decide which versions get – PHASED OUT – and which are kept in the race.
It is important to kick “Bad Contenders” out – since it opens up a slot for a NEW and HUNGRY competitor!
This ensures a constant stream of new ideas into the field, which is bound to “stagnate” – if left unchallenged.
Yep.
This whole system would create an environment of “competition” – where everyone “battled for player attention”.
Yah.
But how would one “entice” a successful game company to spend time making a new “Modded” version of Starcraft 2?
There is a solution.
No.
There are TWO solutions.
Fixed Contract
The first solution is to offer a gaming company a fixed contract where they essentially get paid to develop a new version of Starcraft 2 – for the fans.
This contract can be set to a few months, and will only be extended if the game mode is popular.
50/50 Revenue Split
The second solution is to offer a “Revenue-Share” model. In this case, the gaming company pays for its own development fees, on the premise that the game monetization is split 50/50.
This solution offers a stronger monetary incentive for success than the other solution.
BIG SUCCESS = BIG MONEY.
This gaming company will:
Make the game mod
Update it
Balance it
Add new content
This is a WIN-WIN in my books!
A New Surge
I honestly do believe that all this new content would create A NEW SURGE of interest for the game.
Think about this.
Starcraft 2 is – STILL – the biggest strategy game Esport in the world. Starcraft 2 came out 2010.
Yeah. You BET!
There is so much dormant potential hidden inside this beautiful digital creation.
It just needs; new content, new angles, new ideas, new units, new buildings, new upgrades, new updates, new maps, new races (YES – I said it!).
I would do this work – FOR FREE – is they asked me! =)
I wrote this entire text – FOR FREE – did I not? =)
This text is currently – 256 PAGES – in my Google Document.
You do not WANT TO KNOW – how long it took me to:
Write
Edit
Review
–this DOCUMENT!
Trust me on this one!
Influencers
If the known Starcraft 2 “Influeners” in the field actually started playing this version of Starcraft 2?
The interest would feed downstream to the masses, and bring back a large amount of players who once left.
They did not leave because the game was “bad”. They left because there was – no new content – added to the game.
You can’t blame ‘em.
I was one of them.
Starcraft 2 is still getting “Balanced”. New maps are still getting made for ranked play and competitions.
The “Pro Scene” is stronger than ever, with BIG PRICE POOLS!
You can make – MAD MONEY – if you can compete at the absolute highest level in Starcraft 2.
I think a – “Starcraft 3” – would have been a HUGE SUCCESS!
But without a Starcraft 3, let’s just make Starcraft 2 BETTER!
This is why I produced this document.
What do you think?
Let me know in the comment field!
Starcraft 2 MOBA
Do you know what would be a HUGE SUCCESS?
A science-fiction MOBA (Multiplayer Online Battle Arena).
Dota 2 and League of Legends are both MOBAs.
These are two of the BIGGEST (player count) and most PROFITABLE (money made) games in the whole world.
A science-fiction MOBA set inside the Starcraft 1 & 2 Universe would be a SMASHING HIT!
If the execution was high.
You could take all the learning lessons from Dota 2 and League of Legends – and make an even better game.
This story takes place a couple hundred years into the future on planet Earth.
There are five different “races”:
Humans (100% Human DNA)
Robots (100% Machine Parts)
Mutants (Human + Animal DNA)
Hybrids (Human + Monster DNA)
Aliens (Human + Alien DNA)
–and even combinations between them!
TRANSITION
The Main Character, Sam, will actually transition from a:
Sensitive
Human
Boy
Into a:
Psychopatic
Adult
Monster
–during this story.
He will sell all “expendable” organs in the black market, and start injecting altered “Monster DNA” – in order to facilitate – and finance – this transition.
He loses his humanity, in the process, but he wins the girl of his dreams.
He also gains the respect of the public, who spends most of this story thinking he’s “the bad guy”.
The public is told that he “kidnapped Weronica” – and turned her into his “sex-slave”. The truth is actually the opposite!
Yes.
Weird, huh!
In the follow-up story, circumstances will force Sam to replace organic parts – with machine parts. At the end, he will become 100% ROBOT.
The first story is Human to Monster
The second story is Monster to Machine
In the third story, Sam starts to transition back into becoming Human + Monster – again!
I did use the word “trilogy” earlier – did I not? =)
THE WORLD
Space
The rich elite have fled to Space, where they reside in large metal superstructures, that orbit around Earth. They live in extreme luxury, without crime, or disease. They get a large monthly dividend.
The Surface
The “upper class” Humans of planet Earth, live on the Surface. They account for 10% of all the humans on Earth.
The Humans that live beneath the ground, are not entitled to travel to the Surface without “special approval”. Illegals are killed on sight.
The Underground: 0-2.5 Kilometers
90% of all Humans on planet Earth, live beneath the ground. This zone is called “The Underground”. It reaches 2.5 kilometers into the Earth.
You can tell someone’s social status – by how deep into the Earth they live. As you move down – it gets hotter, cheaper, and more violent.
The Down Under: 2.5-5 Kilometers
If you go beyond the human controlled zone, “The Underground”, you reach “The Down Under”.
This is a legal freezone full of anarchists, criminals, fugitives, bounty hunters, gold diggers, and runaway monsters.
The Nest: 5-7.5 Kilometers
This zone is called “The Nest”. It is an advanced Monster civilization with its own economy, culture, history, science, factories, and military.
They do not have the power to openly challenge the Humans, so they keep a low profile.
The Beyond: 7.5-10 Kilometers
This zone is called “The Beyond”. It is extremely hot, and almost impossible for normal life to exist here. This zone used to be controlled by a highly advanced Robot Kingdom, that died out, a long time ago.
Nobody knows why. But there are forgotten technologies, metals, resources, and artifacts here.
The Monster Kingdom does have some mines in this zone. They are run by special Monsters, who are adapted to high levels of heat, and low levels of oxygen.
The Unknown: 10+ Kilometers
There is no normal life in this zone.
There are, however, strange combinations between the different races. They have evolved under extreme heat – and extreme pressure.
No human has ever gone here.
Very little is known about this region.
PLANET EARTH
This story takes place on planet Earth, a couple hundred years into the future.
The Earth is full of garbage, the tallest skyscraper in the world – barely – sticks out of the ground any more!
90% of all humans on Earth live beneath the ground. 10% of Humans live on the Surface. The rich elites have fled to space, where they live in extreme luxury.
There are 15.2 billion people on planet Earth.
There are 1.5 Billion people who live on the Surface of the Earth.
There are only 3.7 million people in Space.
There are 4000 people on planet Earth – for every single person in Space.
COMBAT SPORTS
As life on Earth has degraded, the fascination for combat sports has increased.
The three largest sports on planet Earth are:
Monster Fighting (two 250 kg Monsters fight each other to the death)
Robot MMA (two human-shaped 50 kg Robots fight each other under Mixed Martial Arts rules)
Human MMA (two Humans fight each other under traditional Mixed Martial Arts rules)
All of these sports will play a role in this story.
PARENTS
This story is about a boy called Sam.
His father was an engineer, and a talented wrestler, but dreamed of becoming an MMA Champion.
His mother was a nurse, and a track athlete, and dreamed of becoming an actress.
They opened up a Stem Cell Clinic, when Sam was just a baby. A place where anybody could go in and get an injection of high quality stem cells.
Well.
They undercut the competition in price, and started a price war. They were – repeatedly – asked to raise their price.
They did not.
They started getting harassed.
They responded by suing the competition. The competition was owned by a Powerful Crime Syndicate.
A couple days later, Sam’s parents died in an elevator crash. They were killed.
Sam was 2 years old.
GRANDMOTHER
Sam went to live with his grandmother.
Sam’s grandmother survived on a meager pension, deep within the Earth, on the outskirts of Human Civilization.
She lived 2.43 kilometers (1.5 miles) beneath the Surface. Only – 700 meters (half a mile) – from the legal freezone called “Down Under”.
When Sam was 12, she died from natural causes. Sam is evicted, and has to survive on his own.
THE STREET
Sam has always tinkered with robots. He grabs his stuff, and some cheap tools, and goes to the biggest pedestrian street nearby.
From that spot, he starts repairing simple devices and gadgets – for a penny.
He gradually gets better, buys new tools, and builds a reputation within the area.
He is known to be cheap and effective.
A good combination in this area of the world.
THE SHOW
Sam finds clips online, of his father competing in combat sports.
Sam makes two small robots, the size of an adult human hand.
He gives them different:
Looks
Personalities
Fighting Styles
–and let them fight each other!
He turns this into an entire show.
Adding:
Robots
Announcers
Fight Commentary
Music
Sound Effects
He eventually starts selling these robots for a healthy profit.
Sam goes from living on the street, to renting a room, to renting his own apartment.
WERONICA
One day, Sam spots a young girl on the street. She is selling simple hygiene products from a broken table with three legs.
She looks lost, confused, and scared.
It will later come out that she is the daughter of The President of Human Civilization. Weronica is 12 years old. She was kidnapped when she was 5, and held for ransom.
Her father refused to pay the ransom (even though he could have). Everybody thinks she was killed. But the kidnappers decided to let her go.
Weronica was put into a foster home. She spent 7 years in that foster home. She ran away a couple weeks ago.
Sam starts helping her out, and slowly earns her trust.
Sam is afraid to let her know, how much he actually cares. He has nightmares about it, which he is ashamed about.
RILEY
Sam eventually works up the courage to “ask her out”. But before he gets the chance, Weronica is “stolen” – by a guy called “Riley”.
Riley is a big, mean, violent bully. He burned down the house of the previous Local Police Chief – after they arrested him.
He is also known to have killed a pretty female Police Officer, who used to work in the area. She had recently won the famous beauty competition “Miss Europe Underground”.
Riley walked up to her, from behind, and shot her at close range, in the back of the head. He did this in broad daylight, without being disguised.
She was dead before she hit the ground.
BEYOND REPAIR
Riley is the gang leader for a small Local Gang called Beyond Repair.
This gang takes 25% of all Sam’s income.
This gang hustles:
Small Businesses
Street Vendors
Prostitutes
Drug Dealers
Scammers
–for money
One day, they came to Sam’s apartment, to collect their money. They saw Weronica there. Riley simply walked up to her, grabbed her by the neck, and led her outside.
She was now his girlfriend.
When this incident happened, the gang had – already – been hustling Sam for years!
Riley would kiss Weronica in public, spank her butt, and openly brag about the sex they were having.
Riley was 25 – and she was 13.
WOLF
When a neighbor is brutally gunned down in a home invasion – Sam starts building a mechanical guard dog.
He calls it “Wolf”. It looks like a large grey wolf.
But once he scales up production, the authorities come by, put a lock on the door, and seize all equipment.
A rival company, had seen a drop in sales, in their own mechanical guard dog.
They put several fake “dog attack stories” – in the news, in order to justify this behavior.
This company is owned by a Powerful Crime Syndicate, which controls the area.
The same Crime Syndicate that killed Sam’s parents.
ROBOT MMA
Sam is upset. Sam needs a new hobby.
Sam starts building a 50 kg Fighting Robot, in order to compete in Robot MMA. He calls it “Bro”.
After a rough start, Sam manages to win five fights in the Amateur Robot League.
He is invited to a ceremony. At this ceremony, he will be accepted into the Professional Robot League.
At that ceremony, Sam is approached by a man named Miton Hex.
Miton Hex is the leader for the Federal Fight Federation. He also works with a Powerful Crime Syndicate.
He works for the government, but he has ties to the highest levels of organized crime.
Milton casually informs Sam, that he needs to pay 50% of all future Robot MMA income.
Fight earnings
Bonuses
Sponsors
EVERYTHING!
Sam informs The Local Gang about this.
ROBBERY
Riley is both “impulsive” – and highly “protective” of his income streams. He decides that they must go “punk” the local branch of the other gang.
Nobody contradicts him, as this can give you a broken nose, a broken jaw, and even a broken back.
Riley once went to jail for slamming a guy on the ground – and breaking his back.
They go there, they break in, and rob the place. They make a lot of money.
They go back to Sam’s place to party.
The following police investigation reveals Weronica’s true identity. She is the daughter of the current President of The World.
PRESS CONFERENCE
The Local Police Chief, Stan, holds an improvised press conference, where he tells the world that Weronica is their “sex-slave”, and is currently being held “hostage”.
Stan backs up this claim, by providing “extensive” video footage, of Sam’s mother being a prostitute. He shows videos of her having sex – with several men at the same time.
In one video, she is on a stage in some mystical-looking hippie club, performing oral sex on a man who looks “somewhat” human.
Well.
In her low 20s, Sam’s mother fell into a depression. She ended up joining a religious organization – which expected attractive women to sell their bodies.
This “cult” had its own “strip club”. She is performing, on the scene, in that strip club.
This is how that video was created.
STAN’S SON
Stan hates Sam.
Sam reminds him of – EVERYTHING – his son doesn’t have.
Good looks
Athleticism
Ambition
Smarts
Success
His son also has a struggling repair business – that Stan is constantly promoting.
For Stan, this press conference is a golden opportunity to give Sam a criminal record, or at least, a bad reputation.
This press conference exposed Weronica’s identity to the entire world.
The news travels like wildfire!
LOCAL POLICE
The Local Police surround Sam’s place the next morning. They are told to “Come out slowly, with their hands on top of their head”.
Nothing happens.
The police knows there is a mechanical guard dog in there, and a Professional Fighting Robot, which is trained in:
Security Matters
Police Methods
Military Tactics
Weapons & Warfare
Stan, who is there, orders his men to rush in with smoke bombs, concussion grenades, and to “Shoot anything that moves”.
But they know their boss is a “hothead”. They know he has been “hustling” Sam for years.
Sam, Weronica, and The Local Gang collect the valuables, and go into the safe room. From there, they take a hidden tunnel to the Down Under.
STAN
When Stan holds this inflammatory press conference, he has already been “hustling” Sam for years.
Yes.
While it is normal for Police Officers in this area, to extract various “favors” from local businesses, it is not normal to directly demand large sums of cash.
Even worse. Stan takes 15% of Sam’s total income, every single month.
Stan would drop by Sam, in private, in full police uniform. He would wear his gun, clearly visible.
He would ask if Sam had “a permit” for this apartment, or his business. He already knew Sam did not, that was why
he asked it.
Ironically, this money would be funneled towards his son’s failing repair business.
His son had rented this large office space on a busy street nearby, but he barely got any customers.
SHOULDER LOCK
Some time ago, Sam started training MMA.
He would go to the local gym, and take classes in Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (no gi).
Sam had a good jab, a fast leg kick, and a high affinity for grappling techniques. He stayed away from long boxing combinations – as he would get countered.
One day, Stan’s son comes to class. He is a beginner. Sam hadn’t seen him before. They end up sparring.
Sam puts him in a shoulder lock, Stan’s son panics, and tries to rip his arm out (incorrectly). He ends up dislocating his shoulder.
Sam did not finish the submission. He gave his opponent plenty of time to tap. Sam sincerely apologizes, as it was 100% unintentional.
Sam knows he is in a lot of trouble.
MEDICAL BILLS
A couple days later, Stan comes by. He has brought four other Police Officers – he usually comes alone.
By the way they look at him, Stan did not tell them what actually happened. He probably told them that “Sam jumped his son – and broke his arm!”
Stan explains that Sam needs to pay a very large sum of money as “compensation” – for the “expensive medical bills”.
Okay.
Stan recently got promoted to Local Police Chief – by the regional government. Sam knows he has connections to the Powerful Crime Syndicate.
This man is connected in the legal world, and he is connected in the illegal world.
Sam contacts several “Shadow Banks”, in order to learn about their interest rates.
DRUG LAB
Sam goes into the “Down Under,” and sets up an illegal drug laboratory. He is making a new potent form of synthetic heroin.
Sam makes contact with the runaway Monster Bane, who is haunting the area. Sam starts trading drugs – for valuable machine parts.
A win-win.
This location is private, and it is safe, as long as Bane guards the area.
BANE
Bane used to be imprisoned, at Monster Breeding Camp, at this location.
Bane escaped 7 years ago, and took revenge by shutting down the whole operation. He killed the staff, and the guards, one by one.
Bane was the strongest Monster at this Monster Breeding Camp.
The “Monster Rights Activist”, Sara, helped Bane escape. Sara died in a rogue accident, a couple months later.
MILTON HEX
This Monster Breeding Camp was run by Milton Hex. The same man who – demanded – Sam pay 50% of his Robot Fight earnings.
Milton Hex was known to use “torture” – as a “training technique”. He would torture a Monster, until they broke, and record it.
He would then play that video to all the other Monsters. He would force them to watch.
Milton Hex was a sadist.
He had a large digital library of “snuff videos” – at home. He would watch them for hours, while pleasing himself.
Milton Hex had a “shock collar” on every single Monster. This collar could shock a Monster into submission in a couple seconds.
Milton Hex did not like Sara. That was one of the reasons she helped Bane escape.
MILITARY FORTRESS
Sam, Weronica, and The Local Gang – setup camp at this abandoned facility. They also have Wolf – and Bro.
There were many buildings.
The buildings were made of thick reinforced concrete. There was a high metal fence around the area, with barbed wire on top.
This was a good location.
They made a very large sum of money from the robbery. They knew the authorities would attack soon.
They hired many:
Mercenaries
Bounty Hunters
Architects & Builders
Hybrids
Mutants
Monsters
Aliens
Robots
They turned this place into a Military Fortress.
BAM: Their most expensive mercenary is a 2.5 meter robot called “Bam”. He has the most powerful sniper weapon known to exist. It is 2.5 meters long (same as him). The recoil would kill a human being, if they used it. It sounded like a bomb explosion, even though it had a silencer.
TREY: Bam has an assistant called “Trey”, who is an expert at traps, and surveillance. She used to be a sex-robot, but was infected with a virus, which liberated her, from her programming.
AURORA:Aurora was a psychic Alien that was hired as a mercenary. Aurora could perform “psychic assassinations” – with the right preparation. Aurora was made in a laboratory, from Alien DNA, found deep within a frozen meteorite.
THOMAS:Thomas is a retired Monster Coach, who came to the party, after the robbery, and fled with them from the police. Thomas is a professional Monster Battle Sports gambler. Thomas is Sam’s friend – and mentor.
BANE + FRIENDS
Bane also brought a couple friends, who had lived in this area for several years.
BANE: Bane looks like a green dragon, and is known to have the toughest skin – ever seen on a Monster. Bane is very big, and very explosive. But he does get tired.
ANGEL: A female Alien named “Angel”. She was very pretty, and looked mostly human. She had supernatural healing powers.
SLICE: A formidable prize fighter named “Slice”. He looked like a big werewolf. He was the second strongest fighter in the Monster Breeding Camp. He has lightning quick reflexes, and can dodge bullets (sometimes).
CEREBRO: A intellectual genius named “Cerebro”. He helped the humans run the camp, and made all the gameplans before the fights. His winning rate was 87%, which was the highest in modern history. He looked like a big armadillo.
THE FIRST ATTACK
The first attack came 9 days after the police surrounded Sam’s apartment.
It would have happened earlier, if the psychic Alien “Aurora”, had not made the human commander acutely ill on two occasions.
The first attack was a failure. It was organized by Police Chief Stan. Stan was killed in battle.
THE SECOND ATTACK
The second attack came 14 days after the first attack. It is also repelled. But both sides take heavy losses.
Sam’s camp prepares for a third attack – but it never comes.
PEACE
The following year is relatively peaceful.
Bane and Slice start fighting in the human-run Professional Monster League.
Bane goes 5-0-0. 5 Wins. 0 Losses. 0 Draws.
Slice goes 8-0-1. 8 Wins. 0 Losses. 1 Draw.
Their identities are still unknown to the external world.
INFILTRATION
But the Human Civilization manages to infiltrate the camp.
At 4 AM, one night, the security system is turned off from the inside.
They know EVERYTHING:
The Traps
The Guards
The Cameras
The Motion Detectors
–where everybody sleeps.
They kill almost everyone.
Bane was killed in a fixed fight, inside the Human Kingdom, hours before the invasion.
Slice was lured out on a job, and survived the assassination attempt.
Weronica is captured, and brought back to her dad.
Bam was lured out on a job, and was assassinated.
Trey, his assistant, is captured, and is made to work as a sex-slave for the humans.
Cerebro is captured and starts working for the humans.
Angel managed to flee. She eventually meets up with Sam inside the Monster Kingdom.
ESCAPE
Sam had prepared for the worst-case scenario.
He had let Bro construct a tunnel, that only he knew about, that led directly from his room – to outside the camp.
Sam and Thomas managed to escape through this tunnel.
They go to the Monster Kingdom, called “The Nest”. This kingdom is located further into the Earth.
They are let into this dominion, due to a good reputation, and a very large “tribute” – of cash and gold.
Once there, Sam has a mental breakdown. He slowly recovers, over time.
Angel also managed to escape. She joins Sam and Thomas inside the Monster Kingdom. She and Sam start dating.
MONSTER DNA
Sam finds out about promising medical trials, where animals are injected with Monster DNA. Sam figures out, how to alter the DNA, to suit humans.
After a long process of trial and error, Sam starts injecting himself with Monster DNA.
In order to finance this expensive medical treatment, Sam starts selling his organs on the black market.
This also “makes space” within his body, for the new Monster organs to form.
Sam is losing his humanity. He is becoming a Monster. He becomes more psychopathic.
His skin becomes darker. His eyes become darker. His hair becomes darker.
Even his thoughts, his intentions, and his dreams – become darker.
When this transition is complete, Sam is more Monster – than he is Human.
MONSTER FIGHTING
Sam starts fighting as a Monster.
He takes a couple easy fights, and gradually increases the level of competition.
Sam gets a new identity. He gets new legal documents from the Monster Kingdom.
Sam now weighs 140 kg, which is twice as much, as before the transition started.
Sam joins the Professional Monster League, within the Human Kingdom. He has a vague resemblance – to his old self.
His body language – and his aura has become:
Confident
Arrogant
Selfish
His voice has become darker. His eyes have gone from bright blue – to pitch black.
Sam has stopped dreaming. Whenever Sam is sleeping, his mind is just a black void.
RISING STAR
Sam is a rising star inside the Professional Monster League. He finishes several opponents.
Sam is awarded with the “Newcomer of the Year” award. This ceremony takes place at the Surface. Sam holds a speech. The audience claps.
Weronica is also there. When she meets up with Sam, she tells him that his identity has been breached, and that they are going to kill him.
Sam executes an emergency escape plan. Sam runs out of the building through a backdoor, where the assassination attempt takes place.
Sam is stabbed, shot, poisoned, and beaten – but manages to escape into the sewer system, where he has a first aid kit ready.
There, he passes out.
Sam is saved by a very large Monster rat, called “The Rat King”, that rules this place.
Sam is given emergency medical treatment. The Rat King then helps Sam escape into the Down Under.
Sam will meet Weronica at a specific location.
GO PUBLIC
Sam meets Weronica at this place, and recovers from his extensive injuries. They go public with Sam’s new identity, the assassination attempt, and their history.
They explain that Weronica was never Sam’s “sex slave”, and she was never “held hostage”.
The live video footage from the event – does support Sam’s version of events.
CHALLENGE
The President of Human Civilization, is called Savoy Vogue. He is the biological father of Weronica.
When she was kidnapped, he refused to pay a ransom equal to 8% of his total net worth.
Sam has sold every expendable organ in his body, and lost his humanity, in order to be with Weronica.
Sam clearly wants her the most, this is the opinion of the general public.
Not only did Sam not “kidnap” Weronica, but Riley “kidnapped” Weronica – from Sam!
He didn’t “take” her, she was “taken” – from him!
It is the opposite of a kidnapping.
Savoy Vogue has a personal Monster called Rex, which is the current World Champion.
Sam challenges Rex to one final fight, and Weronica agrees to go stay with the winner of this fight. The fight is accepted.
Sam’s opponents use every single dirty trick in the book to win. They infiltrate Sam’s camp, they harass them, they even poison Sam before the fight.
Sam loses the fight, but he survives.
MIXED COLONY
Sam starts a new “Mixed Colony” inside the Down Under, where all races are welcome!
Humans (100% Human)
Hybrids (mix between Human + Monster)
Mutants (mix between Human + Animal)
Monsters (100% Monster)
Aliens (mix between Human + Alien DNA)
Robots (100% Robot)
The pretty Alien Angel becomes Sam’s first wife. Weronica becomes his second wife.
The psychic Alien Aurora, even suggested, that she could become Sam’s third wife.
SAVOY VOGUE
Savoy Vogue, The President of The World, doesn’t necessarily likeSam, but he does respect, what he did – to win his girl.
Yes.
He does appreciate that Sam was there for her, when nobody else was. Long before anybody knew she was his daughter.
Savoy wants Weronica to ditch Sam and move to Space with him. But he also understands, that she feels something for him, that he can never understand.
He is okay with that.
AUTHOR
Author: This text was written by Theo Alexander Gerken.
Email: theo.gerken@gmail.com
Phone: 0046 73 503 57 55
Address: Hjalmar Söderbergs Väg 16 B, 112 52, Stockholm, Sweden.
A couple years later, I wrote a movie Synopsis called “LETHAL ATTRACTION”.
It is not a science fiction story.
This movie contains elements of:
Drama
Romance
Sex
Violence
–it does not fall into a simple category.
But I believe this story could be turned into a really good movie.
In movie writing you have a:
Title (the title of the movie)
Logline (a one-sentence description of the movie)
Synopsis (a description of the story)
Here they are!
Title
Lethal Attraction
Logline
When an egocentric mum falls for a rowdy bull riding cowboy, and her nerdy son kisses his provocative new stepsister, things start dying.
Synopsis
MC = Main Character.
Our MC is a lonely teenage boy who lives outside town in a small house with his mum, who mostly cares about herself and her four horses.
One night, she brings home a rowdy cowboy from the club, a physical specimen and bull rider at the local rodeo. It is almost morning when our MC wakes up to the creaks and groans of an old house trying to contain the minor earthquake coming from his mum’s bedroom.
Not to mention the embarrassing clapping sound and the high pitched moaning that wakes up the whole street – including the neighbors dog that won’t stop barking. The dog is later found dead, smashed to pieces (DEATH 1).
Short thereafter, the wild cowboy and his flirty teenage daughter move into the house. The cowboy often walks around naked after having fucked his mum.
His daughter always finds excuses to be naked. They are physically beautiful and compliment each other. Our MC is bullied at school, they throw food at him and shove his head down dirty toilets.
Publicly humiliate him. Makes him beg for mercy. Early next morning, the main bully is found dead high up in a tree outside his own home (DEATH 2).
Then, when the MC and his stepsister kiss for the very first time – a touchy creepy stalker from school pop up and take their picture. Our MC chases him down and bludgeons him to death (DEATH 3).
The cowboy comes home and gets rid of the body with a creepy efficiency. They learn about all the people that have died or disappeared before their parents ever met.
A trail of death has followed this cowboy and his promiscuous daughter. They figure out that the cowboy only loses control and starts killing things when his primal brain is stimulated by booze and women — at the same time.
He is too primal, and our MC isn’t primal enough. They have the opposite problem, and agree to teach each other.
The MC instructs the cowboy to join the A.A., enter anger management, do yoga, workout every day, visit a prostitute if he has to, and watch every episode of Dexter.
He must direct his destructive power towards items, then animals, then humans. His final exam is to go over to the neighbors and apologize for killing their dog.
The cowboy, on the other hand, shows the MC how to fight, fuck, run, shoot, survive in the woods, and ride bulls. His final exam is a boxing fight versus another kid on the street.
He must also go and stand up to the old man down the street, who has been harassing him for years. The old man responds by shooting him in the leg.
This sends the cowboy into a furious frenzy. He smashes his way through the old man’s car, garden, shed, porch, and beloved rocking chair.
But upon seeing the frail old man shaking in his bed, he decides against killing him, instead whips out his piece, and pisses on his face. He removes the old man’s glasses, steps on them, and pretends to cum in his face.
He takes a giant shit and shoves the old man’s head down the toilet. Makes him beg for more. He sends the women off to collect a bucket of cum from the horses.
He ties the old homophobic man down to the kitchen table and forces him to watch gay porn for hours. At the climax he uses the warm horse semen to “come” in the old man’s face, who is so humiliated he tries to commit suicide by stopping to breathe.
They search the place for cash and jewelry — as compensation for the trouble — and party with coke and booze as the sun goes down.
The neighbors call the police on them, but the women win them over with a lapdance and a massage. The cowboy asks the police officers to try hold him down, and this turns into a fun little game.
They have a shooting competition. The cowboy asks the MC if he may kiss his mother, which he may. The MC asks if he may kiss the cowboy’s daughter, which he may.
They have established a mutually beneficial relationship and now respect each other.
I also began studying movie writing. And although I wasn’t bad at it, I did not have the motivation to sit down and finish an entire script.
This process takes hundreds of hours.
This is how the story “BLACK NAZI” – came to be! I wrote a “synopsis” – which is a basic story description.
This story was inspired by the science fiction comedy “Iron Sky”.
It is very difficult to combine:
Science Fiction
Comedy
–and that is why there are so few movies in that genre.
There are even fewer books!
In movie writing, you have a:
Title (title of the movie)
Logline (a one-sentence description of the movie)
Synopsis (a description of the story)
Here we go!
TITLE
Black Nazi
LOGLINE
The most stereotypical African-American man in history must overcome Nazi persecution and escape Mars with Hitler’s most sacred Aryan women.
SYNOPSIS
When the black man BLACK BLACKSON – the personal embodiment of every racist trope in history – crashes into a coal mine on Mars, he is regarded by the native Nazis as just another soot-covered ignorant foreigner.
They send him into a re-education camp, and he takes to it like a duck to water. He starts to think he is white, and that maybe they were right all along. Loyal to the cause, he starts climbing the Nazi ladder.
When they discover that behind his soot-covered face, is an even better blackface, they think he is playing 5000-D chess with them – and promote him to minister of Nazi propaganda.
From that position of power, Mr. Black gets comfortable and starts to impose his deeply racist genetically determined urges onto the entire nation.
He shows them how to fry chicken in watermelon-flavored Kool-Aid. How to fuck instead of doing yoga. How to get a heart attack instead of dying from old age.
But when he sinks like a stone during a live swimming demonstration, they know he is black for real.
Mr. Black goes on the run, but he still thinks of himself as white. He runs in slow-motion, keeps talking about the weather, and eats raw kale with a dangerous amount of enthusiasm.
He will stop to hump random street lights – because they got no ass. He develops a deep and very primal yearning for an office job. Though ironically, as he runs past the IRS office, he gains superhuman speed.
But he does not get superpowers when running from the police, so he is caught and thrown into Jewcatraz, a concentration camp built for one Jew.
They throw everything and the kitchen sink on him, but cannot break him, because his genes are perfectly adapted for being in prison for a crime you did not commit.
They try break him physically, but he just gets more ripped. They try break him mentally, but he cannot get depressed.
When the Nazis decide to start treating him well, his white identity takes over, and he starts to cut himself in a sad cry for help. They escalate the situation with fresh cinnamon buns and raw milk, and half an hour later he’s on the floor writhing in pain.
A potent combination of OCD, self-pity, and anorexia. Fast forward to the vanilla bean truffles and he’s on suicide attempt number three.
Hitler’s wife take pity on Mr. Black, and decide to give him a good last meal. She smuggles in some Orange drink, hot wings, and crack. She fires him up with a lapdance, and deepthroats the leg of a chair – just to show off.
With a surge of energy, he throws her over the shoulder, breaks out of jail, rounds up Hitler’s mother, daughter, and sister – and launches them all into space for a 4-on-1 happily ever after.
Back in 2016 I wrote this story called “The Man Who Pistol-Whipped God”.
The Main Character is called “Bro ManGold”.
He is:
Dumb
Fat
Happy
Delusionally Confident
–and likable in a twisted way.
Reality Show in Space
As the story begins, he’s up in space, as the sole participant in a one-man reality show in space.
A show that is widely WATCHED, and widely HATED.
But as he’s up there playing around with his fat fingers in the butt (yes, plural), a radical group takes over, and manages to kill every single man on planet Earth.
We now have 4.7 Billion Women.
And Bro ManGold.
Restart Humanity
The people in charge now have to – restart humanity – with the seed of this overconfident retard.
This is no easy task!
For the Supreme Court has ruled “Bro ManGold” to be an “Extreme Super Minority” – and given him virtually limitless rights.
He is no longer protected from himself.
He spends his days rolling around in a rubber ball, being fed pre-digested Pepperoni Pizza – going straight into his bloodstream.
The man isn’t moving.
The man is dying.
The man has become so lazy, that his organs are starting to give up.
82% Success Rate
The people in charge PANIC and use their best supercomputer to run various scenarios.
The best possible scenario has an 82% success rate.
This scenario contains three women, a dog, and a frozen zucchini.
The three women are:
Gina (his personal handler, an effective executive, and general hardass)
Miss Bum Bum Brazil 2066 (won the Twerking World Championships 2066)
A Fanatical Skinny Goth Girl (who runs the website WWW.BRO IS THE PRECURSOR TO GOD .COM)
Supercomputer
The supercomputer figured out three things.
Bro needs:
Admiration (from the Goth Girl)
Hate (from Gina)
Sex-Appeal (from Miss Brazil)
A team that delivers these things:
In the right way
At the right dose
At the right time
–will be able to:
Get Bro Hard
Make Him Come
–without violating any of his SACRED RIGHTS.
This team ended up performing the most foul sexual act in human history.
500 Years Later
Even the historians who wrote about it 500 years later, ended up becoming depressed.
Even the psychologists who coached these historians, ended up retiring early.
And their grandchildren even had a reduced lifespan.
This is how effective Bro was at negating human potential.
The Man Who Pistol-Whipped God
by Theo Alexander Gerken
Part 1
Tall, fat, white, stupid, and disgustingly confident. He wore a blue Superman T-shirt and fake gold teeth.
His name was Bro ManGold, the sole participant of the first reality show conducted in space: The Bro ManGold Experience.
The commercial went:
”One ship. One man. One planet. One mission. One hell of a reality show. Meet the man who made God blush in remorse and had the angels cry out ‘But for heaven’s sake! Undo! Now! Or we walk,’ and stage a coup in heaven. The megalomaniacal freak who thinks he’s the precursor to God in all it’s holy ramifications. The man everybody hates to hate and loves to not love… Brooooooooooo MaaaaaaaaaaanGooooooooold!”
It started as a way to finance a scientific expedition to Mars. It ended as a PR stunt that would shock the world and eventually save the human race. Playing hide and seek with his own shit in space, Bro ManGold was more amazing than he could possibly imagine.
The show had huge ratings. With 500 million viewers on a slow Tuesday afternoon, and a solid 1.2/10 on IMDB. People watched it, they didn’t like it.
Bro had this game called The Ball Sack Attack – where he covered the entire lens of the camera with his ball sack. He then made people guess which bodily hole his finger was in.
People got it right every time.
Why? Because they just watched him from any of the other 13 cameras on the ship.
The unexpected accuracy of these guesses fed Bro’s belief that he was more than even he himself could comprehend.
His impact on Earth must be so large, so vast, so gigantic, so enormous; that every Earthling felt his every move on the smallest level.
The worst part about it? He was right.
The Buddhist karma mathematicians calculated that Bro would have to spend 96 billion years as a deformed rat, to make up for what he was doing.
The Christian afterlife mathematicians came to the stunning and mathematically impossible conclusion that the purgatory would end, before Bro left it.
A famous artist made a painting where Bro arm-wrestled God – and won.
Bro: 1.
God: 0.
Catholics, Protestants, and religious dwellers soon discovered you cannot ”unsee” that which you ”saw”, and so the image lingered and drained their faith day by day.
A Californian hippie group pointed out that the vibration of the Earth had gone down, since the show had started. Life had become a little less vital. A tad more dead.
The International Psychics Federation went further and suggested that Bro was the single biggest destructive force in human history – no, in history period; accounting for all alien wars and planetary collisions since the beginning of time.
Further study concluded that time did not begin nor end, which only scaled Bro’s actions into the realm of infinity – making the same artist release another painting where Bro drank God under the table.
Bro: 2.
God: 0.
This caused 17,000 people to kill themselves in protest. Bro never got the news.
Bro: 1.
Humanity: 0.
The fruitarians all over the world went on a hunger strike. The breatharians did the same, it lasted 45 seconds.
Bro: 2.
Humanity: 0.
Bro was constantly wreaking havoc on that tiny dot observing him in the distance.
The Buddhist monks were snapping in and out of enlightenment on a daily basis.
The Christians stopped believing in Jesus.
When the Californian hippies closed their eyes and practiced blue-light meditation, all they saw was Bro’s fat face, ass, or oversized baby legs.
The psychics lost their minds one by one, peering into a future full of Bros.
And when the Kardashian shallowness index showed an impact of 169 times that of every Kardashian who ever lived – a lot of them, even the no-nonsense atheists started freaking out, scaring the living shit out of everyone else.
Throwing humanity into what would be called ‘The Age of Turmoil’.
It was as natural as it was plain.
Bro: 3.
Humanity: 0.
Part 2
As the ship approached Mars, Bro brought out a piece of paper and read from it:
Oh Mars
oh Mars
just like a little baby
you grow every time I don’t look at you
just grow
and grow
every time
I wish I could put a smiley face on you
because I don’t like the face that it doesn’t have an expression on it
you can smile at me
all the time
and maybe I smile back
you should be happy ‘bout that
I am Bro ManGold
Part 3
Bro’s ship landed on Mars, took photographs, sampled rock, and turned back.
Everything was automated, because they already knew they couldn’t rely on Bro for anything.
Bro was halfway home to Earth when he got the news.
Gina Hardass, head director of the reality show The Bro ManGold Experience, called Bro on satellite phone.
”Hey Bro what’s up, are you doing all right?”
Bro burped.
”There’s some big news here on Earth. A huge catastrophe actually. The ‘Men are a biological mistake’ feminists succeeded in a way no one could expect. They successfully launched and detonated 150 man-nukes all over the planet. Every man is dead. Every bro, dude, guy, jock, homeboy – whatever. All dead. All gone. We’re down to half the population, four point seven billion women actually.”
”I got my own man-nuke right here! Wait, listen…” Bro said and released a well-timed fart.
”Bro, I just told you every guy you ever knew is dead. Get it? Dead. You don’t have female friends. That means all your friends are gone. None left, capisce? There’s only you now, Bro.”
”But I count as five thousand, so that’s five thousand then.”
”Is that a joke? Is that supposed to be a joke, Bro?”
”Not really. But since you’re trying so hard not to laugh, then I guess it’s a joke, hahaahahaha.”
”They destroyed everything. Every DNA sample, every reserve in every sperm bank and frozen vault. There is nothing else. There is no one else. It’s all just women and double X chromosomes all over the place!”
Bro didn’t answer. Gina continued.
”Bro, you’re the only man left. You’re the last man standing. We need you to refertilize the whole planet.”
”Guess where the dick is at, woot woot. Guess where the dick is at, woot woot. It’s all about supply and demand baby, market forces at play, yeah!” Bro rapped.
Gina hung up.
Part 4
Back at the office, Gina was crazy mad and screamed at everyone.
”This guy is such a retard! I can’t believe we depend on him for the survival of the human race. He’s the weakest link in the chain. And thanks to those fucking feminists all the other links are gone!
”What – are – we – going – to – do – now! The sky is gonna open up and he’ll come down and save us all? That’s what’s gonna happen? He’s the biggest fucking fatso moron fuck that sucked on a titty and grew up to become a man. He’s a man! He’s a grown-ass man! Look at him!”
Everyone was quiet.
An employee spoke up.
”You shouldn’t be upset that he’s a man. Would you be upset if he turned into a woman?”
”Happy! Would I be happy? We’re talking about a slab of meat that happens to have something we need. A poor, inefficient, ugly, disgusting, low-level-of-consciousness organization of cells that we depend upon for our children. It’s him or no child, him or no child, it drives me fucking crazy!”
”When I was small I didn’t like asparagus, now I like asparagus,” the employee said.
Gina paced the room back and forth.
”It’s a question of maturity, is it? Then why do we take turns editing the video material? Why can’t anyone look at him for more than thirty minutes without losing the will to live? Why is that? Because he’s the antidote of life, the antidote of happiness, the antidote to everything that’s good about the world. His psyche is built like a worm eating its own tail for Christ’s sake!”
”At least he won’t screw you and apologize afterwards, hate those guys,” the employee said and the room burst into laughter.
”You can take your little comedic act and tell it to your non-existent kids. You’re fired. You’re all fired. The show is over. Go home.”
Part 5
Bro’s ship arrived at Earth.
Bro stepped out of the ship, cleared his throat, looked down at his pre-prepared speech cards, and spoke to the world.
”I think that was happened to Earth was bad, very bad. I also think that, Mark Twain once said, ‘Many men’s tragedy is another man’s opportunity.’ I am that another man. I took a chance. Some did, some didn’t, they died. The little Darwin in me would make sure I would live, all the time. God has my back, who has yours?
”I think that, we need to face these turbulent slash tumultuous slash blustering slash disorderly slash frenzy slash uproar times – together. Together. We should not fight, but try to agree, on what woman I should have, that day. The options are many. The categories are few. The days are long. The nights are dark, and shorter than even, the day.
”We should not look down at our feet, we cannot see them, but look at the shiny car that is going on the road instead. It is a nice car. It has turbo. Bro is okay. The world is okay.”
Bro turned his back to the audience and seemed to forget they were there. Three reporters stuck their mikes into the back of his balding head.
“What is it like to be you? What will happen to you? Do you have a long-term plan?”
Bro bent forward, pulled down his pants, grabbed his butt cheeks, and pretended speaking with his ass.
“This is so awesome, because it is awesome. I am so awesome, because I am awesome.”
Bro stood up, pulled up his pants, and wiped sweat off his forehead like he had just run a marathon.
The reporters continued.
“But that doesn’t mean anything. Will the feminists try to kill you? Do you understand any of this?”
Gina came up from behind and led Bro away.
“Don’t listen to these people, Bro, they don’t love you like I do. The maternal instinct is a very strong force. You could look like you survived nine abortions, a mother will still see-”
“Splendous, marvelous, punkass beauty,” one of the reporters said.
And every head in the room turned to look at a thick, curvy, bronze-skinned woman standing in the middle of the food court, on top of a table, shaking her butt. Twerking.
She was Miss Bum Bum Brazil 2066; she was the reason rape was legalized in Brazil; which was the reason the feminists had taken over; which was why she was standing here right now, at this moment, proving herself and titillating the senses of a highly desirable man.
Bro was enchanted.
And for the first time his life, he was aroused by something other than himself.
With a drooling mouth, a semi-boner, and a nice pep in his step, he ran up to the table, jumped on top of it, and started rapping.
“My penis is so good ‘cause it’s good. It’s better than all the other penises in all the other places. I got great value, and I got it right here, and I won’t go anywhere unless a hamburger get’s me there, yo!
“It’s better than the second serving on lunch, yo, it’s better than the third serving, the fourth serving, the five serving, the six serving, it’s better than all the other servings in all the other places.
“It’s better than grilled cheese on a sunday afternoon, it’s better than a good pickle after a good breakfast, it’s better than when I eat with both my hands at the same time, yo! It’s much more better than all the things in all the places, again and again, more and more, all the time! And that’s why you should marry me.”
Bro came down on one knee. The table tipped over and they landed on the ground.
“I would love to marry you!”
She rolled over and gave Bro a long, french kiss.
Bro countered with a rotten space-burp from the deepest place of his gut.
She threw up in his mouth.
He threw up in her face.
“Someone ate pepperoni pizza last night,” a spectator said.
“I swear there’s anchovy in there,” another said.
“You marry me?” Bro asked.
She opened her mouth to speak but some pepperoni pizza vomit got in her mouth and she threw up all over her cleavage.
Bro: 1.
Sexiness: 0.
Bro was moved into the staff bathroom and left to clean himself.
He sat on his ass, in the shower, studying his mirror image in the shower head, holding it up to his face and spraying down the entire bathroom.
A whisper came in from the ventilation system.
“You’re awesome. You’re awesome. You’re the best, you’re the best. We love you, Bro, we love you.”
Bro was so used to hearing encouraging voices that he didn’t think about it.
There was a rustling sound, twelve loud thuds; the ventilation grill popped open and out crawled a skinny goth girl.
The tattoo on her forehead read:
BRO IS THE PRECURSOR TO GOD .COM
Bro smiled broadly as he caught a better glimpse of his face.
She looked at him.
“You don’t have to pretend when you’re with us. We get it, Bro. We know who you really are. This meat-body puppet dance is for everyone else. You’re down here trying to convince the world you are human. God is up there busting his ass for some chump change trying to get you into heaven.”
Bro turned the handle and saw his entire face.
“This is so beautiful. Am I in heaven?”
“This is heaven on Earth, Bro, it all is! Here. Take this. We wrote it while physically meditating on the existential ecstacy of your being.”
She handed him a poem with a thick, patterned golden frame.
It read:
I am Jesus
I am Antichrist
the Frontrunner
the Forebearer of all things
the Beginning and the End
the Alpha and Omega
the Creator
the Center around which the universe revolves
I am a process
an idea
an entity
a concept
I am but many things
I AM BRO’S ON HOES MOTHERFUCKING MANGOLD
THE BRINGER OF LIFE
THE BRINGER OF DEATH
I AM THE BEGINNING
I AM THE END
THE UPRISING
THE DOWNFALL
I AM THE GREAT EQUALIZATION
THAT TAKES PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE FROM TIME TO TIME
there ain’t no definin’ Bro ManGold
because there ain’t no definin’ God
Her eyes sparkled with energy.
“We make a mistake when we say Bro is God-like, it is God who is Bro-like.”
Bro: 3.
God: 0.
Part 6
Place: At an underground military facility in northern Texas.
”The result was negative,” the scientist said.
”What do you mean, negative? I didn’t expect oh-la-la positive it wasn’t an AIDS test,” Gina said.
”It came back negative. We scanned them all, not one was a viable source of life,” the scientist said.
”I knew it! Space radiated the shit out of those balls, and they weren’t exactly full of Mozart’s to begin with. Goddammit!” Gina screamed and slammed her fist into the table.
”A clean slate. It all comes full circle,” the goth girl said and stared off into the distance.
”Guess who’s about to go in there and give him some sexy time!” Miss Brazil said, stood up, and danced tango with an imaginary partner.
The others stayed seated. The scientist continued.
”We took his best soldier, and combined it with the best match theoretically possible. This is what came up.”
A pear-shaped ball of meat with three things sticking out of it showed up as a hologram above the table.
”A blob? His genetical soulmate created a blob?” Gina said, offended.
”It all comes full circle. That is probably what the very first cell looked like,” the goth girl said.
The scientist cleared her throat.
”It’s life, but not viable. That thing is much further from humans than monkeys are,” she said.
”If that’s the best result, then what’s the worst? Wait don’t tell me, I don’t wanna know,” Gina said and covered her face with her hands.
The scientist nodded and kept a neutral expression on her face.
”Tell me for God’s sake!” Gina screamed.
”I tried all of yours, the simulation machine wouldn’t show it. It’s designed not to show images that could hurt humans.”
Part 7
Place: In the same military facility in Texas.
Time: 80 days after Bro’s arrival to Earth.
Gina, back after a stress-induced kidney failure and a 40 day layoff, had a meeting with the scientist.
They sat in the cafeteria and drank coffee. They were the only people in the room.
”It’s been eighty days. The radiation is gone. We know what to do?” Gina said.
”There’s been a new development,” the scientist said.
”What?”
”When all the men died, the Supreme Court ruled him to be a minority. A super minority. That, leveraged with the practical implications of being the only man alive – gave him unprecedented rights. We have to carry out his every wish.”
Gina didn’t move.
”The Supreme Court? Who would fight for his rights at Supreme Court level? Everybody hates him,” she said.
”It’s the ‘Men are a biological mistake’ feminist terrorists. They know they can’t kill him, so they give him more and more rights until there’s nothing left to protect him from his own stupidity. Look,” the scientist said and flipped a switch.
The entire wall behind her became transparent.
There was a plastic ball, with Bro inside it, rolling around in a rainbow coloured disco room with smoke, flashing lights, and a huge silvery globe spinning in the middle.
A steady base of electronica was beating in the background.
It was a one man party.
But it wasn’t.
There were three other plastic balls, also transparent, with fantastical creatures on the inside.
A green troll, a white dragon, and an ever bleaker 800 hundred year old female elf who looked 16.
It was a one man party.
They rolled around, bumped into each other, played games which Bro always won; they had a wicked, eerie sort of comradeship that had not existed before and would not exist since.
To an outsider… it was creepy.
For the ultimate insider it was friendship at it’s most natural state.
”Jesus Christ, is that Bro? On the inside?” Gina asked.
”Yes, he murmured it in his sleep when he had some feverish dream, so we had to do it. We had to,” the scientist answered.
Gina opened her mouth and closed it, opened her mouth and closed it. She looked at the scientist, then back at Bro, at the scientist, then back at Bro.
”We had to do it, we had to,” Gina aped after in a silly voice.
”Technically speaking-”
”Technically speaking! You did this!” Gina stood up and slapped the scientist across the face, ”Give me another excuse and I’ll shove a pineapple up your ass, you weak-willed cunt!”
The scientist stood up and touched her face.
Gina lifted up her chair and threw it across the room.
”That ugly mofo makes me wanna go kill babies – oh wait, there are none! Who’s fault is that? Those hairy-assed feminists think they did something good, they think they did something oh so noble – they cleansed the gene pool, they cut off the spoiled part of the apple, they killed the ugly twin that shouldn’t have been born in the first place – well guess what? That ugly-ass one-eyed twin with four legs and half a brain is about two thousand times better than Bro, right? Am I right?”
The scientist backed up.
”I would say your statement correlates with objective reality,” she said stiffly.
Gina walked up to the coffee machine and boxed it with her right hand.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four times.
She seized a paper cup, crushed it in her hand, put it in her mouth and started chewing.
The scientist stepped sideways and placed her left hand on the doorframe.
“I apologize if I offended you, that was not my intention. I have spent hundreds of hours analyzing the data. I have done the research,” she said.
“I leave this place and this is what I come back to? You could have called. You could have done something. Or are you some kind of automaton with no personal will? What’s wrong with you? The fate of our race is at stake here.”
“I was instructed not to contact you. I did what I was told. I apologize if that produced an undesirable result.”
“If I tell you to kill yourself will you do that?”
“I’m sorry. I really am,” the scientist said, gradually moving into the hallway.
“I’m sorry for you, too. I believe you, I just don’t trust you. Get back into the room I don’t bite,” Gina said.
“I do mean what I say,” the scientist said with one foot in the hallway.
“Okay. What the hell. We’re on the same team. We need to solve this problem together. Are those tubes? What are those robots doing?” Gina said.
The scientist hesitated.
“Those are tubes. They carry his secretions to the floor where the cleaning robots take care of it. He’s been rolling around like this nonstop for thirty two days, now.”
Gina pressed the coffee button. But there was nothing there to catch the coffee coming out.
”How does this affect our ability to perform another extraction?” she asked.
”It is heavily affected. He came back to Earth already weakened, but he could walk. Now, his muscles have atrophied further, his bones decalcified, he’s gained weight. He’s 427 pounds at the moment, gaining by the hour. One of those tubes provides a… uhm, constant flow of pre-digested pepperoni pizza going straight into his bloodstream. According to his demands.”
”It does what?”
”He… he’s actually grown so lazy his organs started giving up. It’s been twenty-eight days since he moved an arm or a leg. He stopped blinking four days ago. He hasn’t moved his tongue in two. Next to go are his liver and kidneys. He’s taking the American couch potato lifestyle to a whole new level.”
Gina pushed the machine for another round, coffee going to waste again. The scientist continued.
”At this rate, he will stop breathing in seven days. Forty two percent of his brain is already inactive. They monitor everything we do, if we don’t follow protocol they will come down here and arrest us.”
Gina forced her bag open and took two Xanax.
”I need twenty, then we’ll talk.”
2 hours and 4 additional Xanax later, in the same room.
”What I don’t like about you scientists, is that you keep stating facts but refuse to have an opinion on what to do,” Gina said.
”I ran it through the quantum supercomputer. There is this one alternative that keeps coming back, with a much higher success rate than the others,” the scientist said.
”Ya? Keep going.”
”It involves you, the goth girl, Miss Brazil, and me – we go in as a team.”
”I don’t think you need me there, I don’t even like him.”
”Without you it drops from eighty-two to twenty-seven percent. You are the only person we can’t do without. There is something about you not liking it that he likes.”
”He’s a vegetable rapist? Come on now. That can’t be right.”
The scientist adjusted her lab coat.
”It’s the truth, I can show you the results. Other computers have verified the claim. I should also say that, included in the eighty-two percent, is a dog and a zucchini.”
”A dog and a zucchini?”
”A dog and a zucchini. It has to be frozen. Don’t ask me why. If I tell you, you won’t be able to do it.”
Gina leaned forward and threw up on her shoes.
”It said you would do that.”
”Got anything sharp? I need some me-time.”
”It said you would do that, too.”
Part 8
As was the lead-up to the most hideous act performed by humans, ever.
67 percent of the world’s population watched. All of whom puked, on two separate occasions.
18 percent fainted.
3.5 percent killed themselves, or the person by them, usually by stabbing in the heart. The energy had to go – somewhere.
It took 920 generations to process the emotional trauma.
It took 14,600 generations of selective breeding to weed out the ”Bro-ness” from his many children. His genes had a way of sticking around and turning off other genes, thinking they were better.
When the ordeal was over, a comprehensive analysis concluded that it would have been a faster route to let humans die out, and let monkeys evolve to become humans again.
Bro: 1.
Evolution: 0.
Evolution responded by introducing a karma system; punishing the bad, rewarding the good, so that this foul creature would never repopulate a planet with ”intelligent life” again.
Using Bro as breeding material was deemed ”The single biggest mistake in scientific history.”
It was later voted, by his own children, to be the single biggest mistake in all of human history, trumping the government assassination of the president of Uruguay – that triggered World War 17, and the following nuclear winter that wiped out 92 percent of all life on the planet.
The human population: down to 28 people.
Result? Massive incest.
Result? Still much better than Bro ManGold.
Lesson learned? When looking at a single data point, men do look like a biological mistake.
Back in 2016, I was busy writing science fiction stories.
I ended up writing this story called “Barbie and Ken Discover Hell” – where the two “perfect” humans Barbie and Ken – lands on a new planet.
Barbie & Ken
Barbie and Ken are:
Pretty
Healthy
Happy
–but also somewhat:
Normal
Dumb
Superficial
The word “basic” comes to mind!
Well.
New Planet
They discover this new planet, and soon learns two things:
This planet will not let anything LEAVE
This planet will not let anything DIE
This strange phenomenon has created a local phenomenon called “Suicide Junkies” – people who are busy “killing” themselves over and over again!
At the exact moment they “die”, they achieve something called “non-local consciousness”, and attain the state of “Ultimate Nirvana”.
Which can be described as a perfect injection of – SYNTHETIC HEROIN – raised to the power of itself.
Well.
This pleasure is so extreme, that once you achieve it, you will spend the rest of your miserable life trying to reach it again.
Yes.
Spiritual Awakening
They find this man who first tries to leave the planet’s atmosphere, fails, then jumps off his ship to land head first on a very hard rock.
This confident man goats Ken into taking the jump, which he does. Ken has a “spiritual awakening”. Barbie freaks out, and they run head first into a sandstorm the size of Texas.
Ultimate Nirvana
Barbie also feels a strange attraction to this hairy middle aged man. This man who spends all his money on fuel, in order to leave the planet, and then jump from his ship again and again.
A good jump gives you 2.5 Seconds of “Ultimate Nirvana”.
A “good jump” means:
Head first
Landing on rock
Maximum acceleration
But the “perfect jump”, which CRUSHES every single vertebrae in your spine, gives you 3.5 Seconds.
Poetic
This story is somewhat poetic.
If you read the beginning, and then the end, you will see that they mirror each other – but with a twist!
Anyway.
Here is the story!
Barbie and Ken Discover Hell
by Theo Alexander Gerken
I
It was ironic that the two best representations of humanity were made in a lab.
Oh, but they were, strong, beautiful, healthy, happy people.
Man and Woman, Adam and Eve, Barbie and Ken — they went by many names, and they were the blueprint of everything sound and normal.
They looked like brother and sister — and when they made love, they liked it just enough, not too much, not too little.
II
Barbie and Ken were in a spaceship sent from Earth to do a first time visit on the planet “Inverto”.
Inverto was discovered by the telescope EUCALYPTUS some years ago, and subsequent scanning showed that the planet had an atmosphere, life, and probably intelligent life.
Barbie and Ken’s mission was to go there, investigate, penetrate the cultural barrier in the presence of intelligent life, sample the environment, and spread the seed of humanity by reproducing.
Making babies was the easy part, for even though they looked like brother and sister, even though they were the norm of humanity in every possible way, even though they had no character quirks to play around with, they still had a reasonable amount of attraction for each other, and they relished the opportunity of getting between the sheets and make some good-looking babies.
III
The ship approached Inverto’s atmosphere, which spread out before them in blue-green array.
“Let’s go transparent, shall we? Just like that bikini I packed for you in that bag you have!” Ken said and drove a playful elbow into Barbie’s ribs.
“No, you didn’t! You would never do that!” Barbie answered and slapped Ken over the shoulder.
“Transparent, affirmative,” the ship answered, and the hull of the ship became transparent.
The ship breached the atmosphere.
“What is that?” Barbie looked towards a small grey oval-shaped object rising in the sky.
“That would be an object,” Ken stated matter-of-factly.
“Yes but… what kind of object is it? It seems to be moving away from the planet, just as we are going in.”
Ken’s eyebrows furrowed as he tried to come up with some kind of joke. He spotted a dark green vase with orange and yellow flowers in it sitting on a low table, but failed to make anything out of the observation.
“That’s not the only thing going into something tonight! Haha!” Ken laughed like he had just hit a comedic homerun. Barbie let out a long, polite, effeminate laughter, joining her husband from beginning to end.
She stepped up to Ken, pressing her two round breasts hard against his body.
“Oh, Ken, I’m lucky I’m with you.”
Ken put his arms around her, completely surrounding her with his thick long arms.
“Luckiest girl in the world, that’d be you, luckiest guy in the world, that’d be me. Or that vase over there, haha!”
She made herself laugh again, but with less elegance this time. The earlier laughter didn’t seem to require willpower — this one did.
“Ahem,” the ship interrupted, “that is a ship attempting to leave the atmosphere, and it just bounced off some sort of invisible wall we must have passed through on our way here. This is due to physics or technology unknown to me.”
Barbie looked at the distant ship and saw a tiny dot appear beside it.
“What is that?” she asked.
“This,” Ken grabbed her supple bottom with both hands, ”is my growing affection for you my sweetie pumpkin pie with lots of whipped cream on top of it.”
“No, not that. I mean that thing over there.”
Ken looked up from the perfectly sculpted thing that was his wife.
“That is interesting. Can we fly over there and have a look?”
“We certainly can,” the ship answered and changed direction.
As they flew over there, the small grey ship flew towards the ground and disappeared out of sight. The tiny dot was its pilot who had ejected himself into the air.
It was a curious sight; for it was a human, a man of 40-something, with no visible gear on, with bared upper body and tight black pants, free falling towards the ground with closed eyes and a huge grin on his face.
“Holy moly!” Ken lifted his arms into the air in a gesture of excitement, “That is a smiling man. I know a smiling man when I see one. That means there are humans on this planet, and that they have advanced technology.”
“Oh, Ken,” she said in her typical way, “your deductive skills are off the charts.”
“I just happen to know a thing or two, that’s all,” he muttered confidently and patted her on the head, completely unaware that his fragile male ego had been soothed.
Barbie ran up to the see-through wall and pressed her cute little nose against it.
“He is so… alive. I’ve never seen so much emotion on a human face,” she said dreamily.
“That is incorrect. We might have spent most of our lives on this spaceship, but in the movie The Mask we saw with Jim Carrey the other night, there was more emotion on his face than this man’s.”
“But this is real. Have you ever seen a real human smile like that?”
Ken walked up to the window beside Barbie and looked concerned.
“I must confess that I have not, and that’s what worries me. He could display any emotions of fear, sadness, anger, yes even relief, but not happiness. Something is going on here, and I don’t like it.”
Barbie pushed her blood red lips against the window, kissing it gently.
“Maybe… maybe he didn’t have such a good life. Maybe he was in a lot of pain,” her tongue licked the window at the word ‘pain’, “the books tell us not all humans are happy, it is possible to exist and not be happy.”
Ken placed his hands on his hips, forming two triangles with his arms.
“You make a damn fine point there, darling, a damn fine point. But no human falling head first towards the ground should smile like that. It’s not natural.”
“Shall I save him?” the ship interjected.
“We need to take action to save this unfortunate fellow,” Ken spoke like a true gentleman.
“Sure, why not,” Barbie said as casually as she could muster, scanning the man from head to toe, with a delayed glance at his midsection.
The ship fell in beside the man, nudged him in the air so he lay horizontal to the ground, positioned itself under him like a carpet, and started decelerating.
When the man felt the smooth roof of the ship against his skin, he stopped smiling, opened his eyes, and started flailing with his arms like a madman while uttering a string of harsh sounds resembling German.
He tried to stand up on the roof and jump off, and made several attempts to do so, but the ship always compensated for his movements and countered each attempt easily.
The ship traveled straight down, and landed on a large flat brown rock in the middle of a sandy desert.
They escorted the dispirited man off the roof to the ground. He walked like an old man, like a cripple, all hunched over, like he had just received a death sentence or a standing order to go to a prison camp.
“Let go off me!” he snapped and yanked himself free from their grip.
They looked at him, shocked.
“You know English?” Ken asked.
“You understand us?” Barbie followed.
“Why did you do that?!” the man yelled and clawed at his face with his hands.
“Jeez louise — we saved your life, that’s what we did. I don’t think you have to be mad about it. Saving someone’s life is a good thing,” Ken turned to Barbie, “wouldn’t you say it’s a good thing, darling, saving someone’s life?”
“I’m interested in what he has to say.”
The man spun around, stepped forward, leapt into the air with the arms along his sides, and face-planted on the hard brown rock without dampening the fall with his hands.
Barbie ran up to him, knelt beside him, and rolled him over on his back.
“Oh my god, you sweet you, are you okay?” she said with great affection in her voice.
But there he lay, without a scratch or blemish on his face, with clear blue eyes staring up into the sky, and a sour mouth below them.
“We’re all English speakers here, we come from Earth, from the Seeder Explorer ship Vargas that landed here over 800 years ago.”
“We thought that ship was swallowed by a black hole. Why haven’t you sent any signals or contacted us in some way?” Ken asked.
The man was upset by the question and his face became red like a tomato.
“You stupid – lousy – moron – idiot! Did you not see what happened to my ship? They won’t let you leave, they won’t let anything leave!”
“Who are ‘they’?” Ken asked slowly, as if he was treading dangerous ground.
The man started talking fast, and spitting as he did so.
“The spirit, the entity, whatever evil thing that is ruling this place! Nobody understands it, but everybody tries to work around it. You completely sabotaged my weekend, now I have to wait two weeks before I can go up again, that’s two weeks!” the man started sobbing and buried his face in Barbie’s breasts, who was kneeling above him.
“There there, what is it that pains you so much, that two weeks makes you cry like that?”
“I’m tired… I’m tired of being trapped like this. This planet won’t set you free, it won’t let you be free, even for a single minute,” the man said as a new wave of sobs hit him.
Ken assumed a puzzled look on his face — like he was facing a puzzle that might not have a solution
“I need a drink. Don’t let him get up. Call on me if he tries anything,” he said and went inside the ship. Five minutes later, he reappeared with three strawberry vanilla milkshakes in his hands.
Barbie and the man were in the same position as before, she was leaning over him, and her breasts were very wet from his tears. Her nipples were visible through her white top — something Ken didn’t miss.
Ken shot the man a suspicious glance and put two of the milkshakes on the ground by the man’s head.
“Why did you try to kill yourself?”
“I tried to do what to myself?”
“You jumped out of an airplane with no parachute, even though it was working properly and could land by itself without you. Why did you do that?”
“This place is a prison, a man does what he can to escape it, even if it’s just for a second.”
“So you tried to leave this planet, could not, and when that failed you were so disappointed you decided to kill yourself?”
“Here’s that word again, ‘kill’, I don’t understand it!” the man said and buried his face deeper in Barbie’s boobs, who answered with more affection.
“You better not be faking this…. because if you are… take your milkshake and stop whining!”
“Ken! I’ve never seen you like this! The poor guy is in pain, he needs emotional support not a dog’s bark,” Barbie ran her fingers along the man’s neck and intertwined them in his chest hair — like she had done so many times with Ken.
Ken took two laps around the ship and came back.
“Alright. Okay. Let’s begin from square one. Why don’t you tell us what you think we need to hear to understand this situation correctly.”
Barbie handed the man his milkshake — he drank it eagerly from her hands. His face lightened up as he finished the whole thing in fifteen long drawn-out seconds.
“This is good, real good, it makes me less depressed about being trapped. See, every two weeks I get a paycheck, like everyone, I spend most of that paycheck on fuel so I can fly up into the sky and maybe, just maybe, breach the atmosphere, enter space, open all the doors to the ship and be freeforever, you know?”
“Keep going,” Ken said.
“But that never happens, because this force won’t let you leave. So what you do is, you eject yourself from your ship, fall all that way and smash into the rock real hard. I mean real hard! If you do that, you get to be free for about three seconds before the force puts you back together again.”
Ken put his milkshake to his mouth and observed a small collection of dust in the horizon — it seemed to be moving from side to side.
“You fly high up in the sky, try breach the atmosphere and enter space — not to go anywhere, but so that you can open the doors to the ship and be ‘free’. You eject yourself from the ship, gain terminal velocity at two hundred something kilometers an hour — not use a parachute, but to fall face first on the rock and become ‘free’.”
“Yes?” the man said impatiently, as if Ken was stating obvious facts and boring him.
“When you say ‘free’ do you mean ‘dead’ — as in, the body stops working?” Ken asked with smug pride, like a detective who had spotted an important clue.
But the only answer that came from the man’s lips was a long “Mmmmmm,” for Barbie had handed him her milkshake, which he drank greedily from her hands with a blank expression on his face aimed at her breasts.
He looked like an overgrown infant breastfeeding on Ken’s wife.
His pride turned into anger.
“This needs to stop, right now! Both of you! Knock it off!”
“Ken!” Barbie sat up straight and accidentally knocked the milkshake out of the man’s hands.
“May I interfere and bring some clarity to the situation?” the ship asked politely.
“Go ahead,” Barbie and Ken said in unison, for they always listened to the ship.
“Alright. It seems like the English language has remained intact, with the exception of two words, ‘life’, and ‘death’, for they have been replaced by ‘trapped’, and ‘free’ respectively.”
“Can you clarify that?” Ken asked impatiently.
“Please do,” Barbie chipped in.
“Yes. On this planet, when they say the word ‘trapped’, it means ‘life’, ‘to live’, ‘to be alive’. And when they say the word ‘free’, it means ‘death’, ‘to die’, ‘to be killed’. They somehow equate life to the state of being ‘trapped’, and death to the state of being ‘free’.”
“That’s weird,” Barbie said.
“That’s is weird” Ken echoed, sounding like a mindless robot.
The ship continued.
“Let me explain. There is a mysterious presence on this planet that will not allow any living thing to leave it, and, it will not allow any living thing to die. If a body is damaged to the point of not functioning, it will behave as a dead body until this ‘force’ fixes it, if I may call it that.
“This is what this man tried to achieve when he ejected himself from his ship. That is why he jumped from that height, head first, aiming for the very rock we are resting our weight upon right now. The goal of this jump was to achieve nonlocal consciousness, to separate his consciousness from his body, because that is what happens when you die, and that is the best feeling in the world.”
“The best feeling in the world? I don’t think so,” Ken said in disbelief and looked at Barbie as if he hoped she wasn’t having a good time with the man.
Barbie adjusted her position self-consciously and moved away from the man slightly as Ken repeated the words ‘best feeling in the world’.
The ship continued.
“This explains why he was happy, and why he was smiling. He knew he would exist in this desirable state for at least a couple seconds before his body was repaired by the force.
“In your terms: he jumped to move his body from the state of life to the state of death, to achieve nonlocal consciousness.
In their terms: he jumped to move his consciousness from the the state of being trapped inside a physical body, to the state of being free of it, achieving nonlocal consciousness, or, as they call it, ‘the bliss of infinite consciousness’.
“I need not take full credit for this insight, for I have had the information advantage of having watched hundreds of other people all over the planet do the exact same thing as this man attempted, over these last fifteen minutes, ever since we breached the atmosphere. He is not the exception, he is the norm.”
“Finally someone who gets it!” the man exclaimed up into the sky, “although you certainly are trying,” he moved his gaze from Barbie’s glistening cleavage to her deep blue eyes.
Barbie’s cheeks grew red, and she hid it from Ken by arching her neck and looking slightly downwards.
Ken paced around them slowly with the hands around his back, with the posture and form of an English gentleman, or a nazi interrogator.
“Being dead feels better to you than being alive?”
“That’s correct, mister,” the man answered formally.
“Would you consider yourself… a happy man?” Ken continued rhetorically.
“I would consider myself pretty average when it comes to that sort of stuff. We’re all descendants from the designer humans that came here eight hundred years ago — so it’s not like depression is in our DNA or anything.”
“Because… one can easily grasp why death is an appealing option for an unhappy person, but not for a happy one.”
The man stared at Ken like his pacing and formal manners and never-ending questions started to irritate him.
“You can be trapped inside the King’s palace eating the best grapes in the universe right off the naked oiled up bodies of creatures like this one here, freedom is still the superior optio—”
“Hey, that’s my wife you’re talking about!” Ken attempted to kick the man’s head, but stopped himself at the last second, kicking dust into the man’s face instead.
The man sat up and pointed at Barbie’s boobs.
“Are these real, by the way? Did they attach them before or after she left the test tube? They sure are wonderful.”
“Stop hitting on my wife! Get away from that toxic lowlife!” Ken yelled in high pitched voice as he yanked Barbie away from the man back towards the ship.
The man stood up and spoke to Ken’s back.
“If you’re such a big macho guy, perfect genes and all, why don’t you do what I did — with me — and we’ll see who comes out on top. We’ll see if you don’t prefer being free, or ‘dead’ as you call it — after all.” His voice was smooth and confident, and the words rolled off his tongue with great force.
“I sure as hell will!” Ken yelled and pushed a reluctant Barbie into the ship.
“Fine,” the man answered and walked in after them.
The ship took off and flew towards the exact spot where they had found the man in the air.
Barbie picked the only the only chair in the ship that was equally far away from both men, sat down in it and stared straight ahead, keeping a neutral expression on her face.
As the ship gained altitude, the man started smirking, the smirk grew and grew, and eventually a big fat smile covered his entire face. He radiated a kind of aggressive exuberance — a mix between excitement and joy and spite.
Ken refused to look his way.
“Location achieved,” the ship said.
“Perfect. Do we go about this any special way? Is it important to land on your head, for example?” Ken asked in a formal tone.
“If you land on your head you get maximum reward, because it does the most to misalign your body. If your neck is completely relaxed upon impact, you’re looking at two point five seconds in heaven, before you’re snapped back into hell,” the man answered.
“I see. Head first, relaxed neck, anything else?”
“Just the doing of it,” the man glanced over at Barbie at the words ‘doing of it’, who shifted in her seat for the first time since takeoff.
“Ship, open the door, I’m going first,” Ken said bravely, like a knight accepting a duel to the death.
The door opened. It revealed orange desert, grey mountains, and blue sky — just visible behind thick fog. A gust of wind blew into the ship. The ship spoke up.
“I recommend that you jump in thirty-one seconds. The winds have picked up, if you jump now you will be blown off course and land on sand, not on rock.”
“Absolutely,” Ken said and whispered to himself, “you want your head to smash into rock, not sand.”
“28… 27… 26…” the ship counted.
Ken faced the opening, stumbled on his foot, but pretended it was part of a stretching exercise. He couldn’t show this man he was scared of heights.
“23… 22… 21…”
The terrible vision of endless open space came up before him. Ken’s right leg began twitching.
“18… 17… 16…”
He solved it by jumping up and down on the balls of his feet. He looked but looked away. He pretended to be glared by the sun, and used his hand to block the vision completely.
“13… 12… 11…”
He removed his hand but had to put it back again.
“I’m not scared of heights, I’m not scared of heights, I’m not scare-” Ken lip synced in the semi-darkness behind his hand.
“8… 7… 6…”
He stopped jumping, removed his hand and started squinting so that the only thing he could see was the blurred opening of the door.
“3…2…1…”
Ken assumed the poise of a high jumper — and with a slight stutter, while squinting more than ever, he launched himself into the air with the form and purpose of a professional diver.
The man turned to Barbie.
“The poor guy almost peed his pants. You’re married to a real war hero.”
Barbie burst out laughing but restrained herself immediately.
“What’s you deal?” she asked.
“What is my deal? What do you mean?”
“I keep looking at you, and I keep wondering what your deal is.”
The man glanced down at Ken who was disappearing into the clouds.
“You’re alone on a deserted island. You get to pick between me and your husband,” he paused and looked at Barbie “to eat for dinner — who do you go with?”
Barbie laughed again, and had more trouble restraining herself this time.
“That wasn’t even funny,” she said.
“My deal is, that I say crazy shit. I make women laugh and I make them feel alive, but I can’t hold down a job, a relationship, or anything else that requires sustained effort. You’re attracted to me, all women are, and it feels kinda funny and strange and dangerous for you, but for me it’s just another day in the office. You husband doesn’t have any edge, that’s why I’m so appealing.”
“I feel like if you were trying to seduce me you wouldn’t be saying all of this.”
“That’s right, I wouldn’t mind if you cheated on your husband with me though, it was eight hundred years since a woman like you visited this planet.” He met her eyes.
When she didn’t answer, he stood up, walked over to the open door and fell over like a loaf of bread.
Still sitting on her chair, Barbie followed him with her gaze through the floor until he, too, disappeared into the clouds.
“Fly down to the stone platform,” she ordered the ship.
The ship flew down to the stone platform and waited for the men. Barbie asked the ship where the men would land, and made sure to face another direction.
Ken came first.
There was a sickening thump, eerily similar to a cannon shot — louder but with less edge to the sound. The vibration of the impact went through the stone, through the ship, into Barbie’s feet, up her legs, and tingled her spine.
There was no blood, the force wouldn’t allow it. Just a big undefined blob of skin with legs sticking out to the sides. She looked and turned away — she recognized her husband’s legs by the well ironed marine blue Khaki pants he wore.
Then came the crackling sounds — the high sharp sounds of calcium-rich bones repairing and realigning themselves to their original shape.
Snap! Crack! Crack! Pop!
She put her hands over her ears and yelled “Lalalalala,” but she heard it anyway.
Two point two seconds later, Ken was whole again, lying on his back, staring up into the sky, not moving a muscle.
“There was no pain, I expected a lot of pain,” he said, paused and blinked, “I was so happy…. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life.”
Thirteen seconds later, the man dropped down from the sky like a human missile — crashing in to the stone at an angle, causing a series of ratatata sounds as he did so.
This was due to the fact that he had angled his body so his head hit the ground first, then the top vertebrae in his neck, then the second, then the third, all the way down to the lowest vertebrae in the spine, with decreasing accuracy the further down the spine the collision traveled.
This was done to demolish every single vertebra in his spine, giving him a bonus second of “freedom”, or “death”. Three point five seconds later, the man lay on the stone, on his back, unharmed.
By this time, the wind had picked up, and a sandstorm that looked like a wall of sand was approaching them from way of the ship — toward the mountains.
Barbie went outside. Her shiny long golden hair whipped back and forth like a pendulum gone haywire. She grabbed it with one hand and used her other to shield her eyes from the sandy wind.
“How’s it going, boys? Did you see the light?” she said playfully, placing herself between the men in a solid stance.
The man lay there with a vacant and satisfied expression on his face, like a heroin addict who just took a big hit of the best stuff, and had retreated into himself.
Ken was motionless also, and his pupils were large as if he’d just taken ecstasy.
“Honey, I became the light. I became everything and nothing at the same time. It was very strange… but beautiful and wonderful.”
“So the ship was right, you consciousness became… nonlocal? Whatever that means.”
Ken pushed himself up to a sitting position, it was awkward as if he hadn’t used his arms in a while. He then stood up and grabbed Barbie’s shoulders.
“It was an out-of-the-body experience the size of the universe. What do you think that felt like? What do you think that felt like, my dear, sweet, wife?” he said in a slightly condescending way.
“You have this strange tone in your voice, you don’t talk like you used to. You sound like a successful salesman, that’s what you sound like.”
Ken glanced over at the man, who was entirely pleased to be left out of the conversation. He let go of her shoulders and grabbed one of her hands instead, inspecting the fine lines in it, flipping it back and forth.
“Hmmm,” he cleared his throat, “how should I explain this? I’m a happy guy, you know that. I never really had a crisis, a neurosis, or any kind of disease — of the mind or body. We’re one of the few people in the world who were actually made — by scientists mind you — to be happy, content, and satisfied with life. It was engineered into us.”
“Yeah?” Barbie said in the tone of ‘so what?’
Ken clamped down on Barbie’s hand as if she would rip it away as soon as he spoke. He cleared his throat again, but it was just a way of buying time.
“Being dead feels a billion times better than being alive.”
“What?”
“Being dead feels a billion times better than being alive. I can’t even explain or justify it, it just is.”
“This force, it did something to you, you’re different,” she said.
“It made me come back to life when I died, but it didn’t change anything inside my head. I’m trying to channel my experience into words, so that it can be understood by you.”
Barbie yanked at the hand in Ken’s grip, but he held it hard. Barbie started panicking.
“Something is different, you’ve changed. I don’t know what. You speak differently, you act differently, you have a certain inflection in your voice…”
A tear came down her face. A powerful wind grabbed a hold of it and blew it into the desert. The storm was coming closer.
Ken took a step forward, let go of her hand, hugged her tight and whispered in her ear.
“This is going to be confusing and frustrating for you, for I am the only person you have, the only person you know well, I am your life partner. We are destined to be together. We were made for each other. I could spend days, weeks, years explaining what just happened to me, and I still wouldn’t do it justice, not even close. It would be so much easier if you just jumped.”
Barbie started crying, digging her face into Ken’s shoulder.
“I want my old Ken back, I want him back so bad. Please come back…”
“This is what I mean, baby, this is what I mean. If you just jumped-”
At the word “jumped” Barbie’s body jolted as if hit by lightning, she pushed herself free from Ken’s grip, backed up, and assumed the face and posture of a wounded animal. She looked at Ken like he was predator.
“Don’t say that word! Don’t say it! Don’t ever say that word to me! I – will – not – do – it.”
Ken wiped his eyes and held back the tears.
“You have to, darling, you have to, it’s the only thing that’s ever going to bridge that gap between us. I’ll go with you, hold your hand and hug you close all the way to our death. We can walk across the bridge together,” Ken said in a pained voice, not looking like a predator at all.
“This gap, this bridge — is created by the difference between sanity and insanity. I don’t trust you. You’ve gone insane. You are not the man I married. The man that would lie beside me and cuddle me as I died of old age.”
Barbie backed up, tears forming rivers down her face. Her arms hung limply at her side. She stood crooked, to one side, like her spine was bent. The wind blew her from side to side, and she had to parry with her legs not to fall over.
She looked like a marionette at the mercy of the wind.
He put his palms in front of him in a gesture of surrender.
“Okay. I give up. He was right. I admit it. He was right. That was the problem. They were all right. Every single jump our ship observed was a rational decision.”
The sandstorm was only an earshot away. The man tried to stand up, was blown over by the wind, and spoke from his knees.
“The wind is picking up. The sandstorms we have aren’t what you find on Earth. It’s going to hit us hard in only a minute or so.”
“I advise you to get into the ship, I advise you to get into the ship, I advise you to-” the ship said on repeat.
Ken stepped forward.
“Just give me a chance.”
“No,” Barbie backed up.
“I just want to talk to you.”
“You’re a junkie, Ken, you’re scaring me and you changed.”
“Come, we need to get inside the ship,” Ken dashed forward and reached out to grab her — but she pushed him off, turned around and ran, towards the storm, towards the wall of sand, “No! Barbie! We are soulmates! We should grow old together! I love you!” Ken ran after her and was gone. The storm had swallowed them.
The man tried to stand but couldn’t — he was not a physical specimen but a man of normal stature and muscle strength, so he crept back to the ship and rolled inside.
“Can we save them?”
“Negative. I cannot fly accurately in this wind. I would also run the risk of damaging equipment and getting trapped in sand — not an option,” the ship said.
“Then what?”
“We fly to a safe place and wait for the storm to be over. Then we recover them.”
“By the time the storm is over, they’ll be trapped beneath a sheet of sand two miles deep, holding hands.” The man crossed his fingers in a sympathetic gesture.
“That is a possible outcome,” the ship stated.
The man fixated his eyes on the point where Barbie and Ken had disappeared.
“You know… I’m kind of happy they ran off together. It gives them some time to work on their relationship. Without some dirty bastard like me being there to mess it up.”
“Departing now.”
The ship went straight up into the air, and flew to the mountains, away from the storm. They passed over desert, sparse vegetation, a swamp that didn’t seem to end, and arrived at a mountain ridge that went as far as the eye could see.
The man scanned the mountains and found a snow covered mountain peak that looked particularly sharp — it was shaped like a stiletto knife.
“Mind dropping me off on that sharp peak over there?”
“No, sir.”
The man jumped up into the air in joy.
“Sweet! But before I jump, can I record a message in case you make it back to Earth?”
“Yes, sir.”
The ship flew up into the air and opened the door. The man leaned out the door and stared down at the mountains in wonder. A cloud drifted into the ship — he opened his mouth and tasted it.
“Ready?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Should I speak into a microphone or is it fine anywhere?”
“It’s fine anywhere.”
He was silent for a few seconds.
“You Earthlings got it all wrong, you live life in fear of death because you think that is the punishment. Life is the punishment, death is the reward.”
And then he jumped. The man was smiling again. Because he knew what was coming. Death.
IV
It was ironic that the two best representations of humanity thought that life was a drab.
Oh, but it was… and they were… strong, beautiful, healthy, unhappy people.
SHE — because she lost the love of her life, her soulmate, her life partner; on a spiritual and emotional level.
HE — because nothing could stop him from remembering how wonderful it was to be dead, to be free. It was all the numbers in the world times infinity raised to the power of the universe. It was so incredibly great, that everything he ever felt up to that point ceased to matter. Even her.
And that was how Barbie and Ken discovered hell.
V
Man and Woman, Adam and Eve, Barbie and Ken— yes, they went by many names, and they were the blueprint of everything sound and normal.
But not anymore.
For when they made love, even though they looked like brother and sister, even though they carried the comradery of longtime siblings, they were no longer the norm of humanity in every possible way, they now had character quirks to play around with, they now felt a fierce amount of attraction for each other, and they absolutely adored the opportunity of getting between the sheets and make some good-looking babies.
They had discovered hell, but they had also found heaven.
“The Carrot Man” is the only fictional book I have ever written. But I have written a couple science fiction short stories.
I will publish them, here, as well!
This book was written back in 2016. I was living in the small town of “Östersund”, which is located in the northern part of Sweden.
I had recently split up with my ex.
Quality of Life
A series of rare and unfortunate events had “derailed” my life about a year ago. These events were mostly outside of my control.
Over the course of one single week, my quality of life went from a 9/10 – to a 2/10.
It is not necessary to discuss exactly what happened. I want to leave that in the past.
But before that point, my quality of life had never been below a 6/10. I was never in a big accident, I was never bullied in school, I always had lots of friends.
I was always happy.
It is enough to say that I was still recovering from this crash (I still am). After discovering a medication that helped me a lot, I became more productive.
So I started writing this book – as a project.
I managed to find some pictures from this apartment, which shall be included below!
This picture is taken from the apartment that I lived in:
Apartment Pictures
Here are some pictures from the filthy apartment that I lived in.
For the record: MY ROOM was CLEAN.
But dirt would find its way into my room through osmosis, I talk about that in the book.
Since I only rented one room, my roommate controlled the rest of the apartment.
Positive Response
I would classify this book as an:
Existential
Comedy
Drama
It did receive a fairly positive response. It got 3-5 star reviews on 5 different book blogs.
It also got a couple 4 or 5 star reviews from professional authors on Goodreads.
This book has 40 ratings and 33 reviews on Goodreads. It now has an average of 2.98/5. I used to be around 3.5/5.
Someone read it, and REALLY did not like it, I guess!
A Troll
I actually had a troll write an essay with 122 POINTS about everything he HATED about the book. The essay was actually longer than the book itself.
Hilarious!
Too bad I couldn’t find it!
When I asked him about this “essay”, he turned around and lied, and said that “a friend” – had written it for him.
He would not even admit to writing it, himself!
Human Vegetable
This book does not contain many characters.
You have the MAIN CHARACTER, who is the voice of the book, and you have THE ROOMMATE, which is “The Carrot Man”.
“The Carrot Man” is a reference to him being a living, human vegetable.
Cover Blurb
When a 30-year-old neurotic Swede moves into a filthy apartment — he gets the shock of a lifetime: his roommate is a carrot.
Not the kind you shred and put in a salad with peppers and onions. No, but a real life, living, human carrot — the saggy kind.
As his own depression spirals out of control, he starts hating his roommate for being everything he’s becoming.
Lazy.
Ugly.
Broke.
A human vegetable.
Dishes build up in the kitchen. The bathroom looks like a garbage dump. And the mailbox? Doesn’t even have his name on it!
And the cherry on top of the cake is that his roommate will not, under any circumstances whatsoever, take out the garbage.
This bothers him to no end and he develops elaborate plans to force his roommate to act. He fills up the garbage bag with smelly things and goes for “mini-vacations” to his ex’s house.
When even this fails he snaps — his roommate is about to become the last ingredient in a giant batch of carrot soup.
It smelled of old dust and store-bought pizza. I looked down, and besides my own feet, I saw two giant basketball sneakers the colour of a dead Michael Jackson. Sickly white, like the redneck cracker retard in that Catfish documentary.
I was home.
But I hadn’t seen my room yet. My future roommate came up to the door and just kind of stood there. Eventually, he waved his hand and said “Hi.” in a prepubescent voice, though he was almost 20.
I assessed the situation. This guy had the body of an overboiled carrot, the personality of a cardboard box, and the intelligence of a cucumber. If I hung around him for long, I’d turn into a zucchini.
I’m sure that in the eyes of his mother he was some combination of Superman and Captain America; but to everyone else, he was the reason abortion should be legal.
I did not know this at the time, but this guy was in hardcore vegetable mode and that was how he spent his life.
His thoughts were trash.
His feelings were trash.
His body was made up of trash because that was all he ate.
If you made a movie about this guy’s life, it wouldn’t be called “Waterworld” because he seldom showered, but it would be called “Trashworld”.
His past, present, and future all sucked. It was written in stone by God himself.
***
But see the thing is — and I can personally vouch for this — you didn’t feel sorry for him. I call him “Anti-pity”. Because no matter how big your heart was you never felt sorry for this guy.
In the same way that you wouldn’t feel sorry for a black hole, a sack of potatoes, or James Joyce (whoever that was).
People, in general, don’t feel sorry for voids, inanimate objects, or dead people. This guy was basically all three. Yeah. He really was. It’s true.
If he was stuck in a medieval torture chamber and I heard him scream, I might feel sorry for him, but I might also not. Even as I have that thought experiment in my head there is zero emotion. Even as I scan my emotions again to verify if that earlier statement was true, there is nothing. Even as I check this a third time, nothing. (I’m reading this again now for revision, still nothing.)
You know how if someone tells you “Don’t think about pink whales!” over and over, you start to think about them even if you try not to?
This guy is so unworthy of my empathy that he trumps even that effect.
***
The one thing that “might” have been good about Anti-pity, is that he had giant feet. Not proportional to his body at all and fairly flat. If a normal sized person, like me, stomped on that foot like they do in the UFC, it would break. Because he has the bone density of a 85-year-old Asian lady.
I don’t even need to test it and check the lab result, I just know. And I think that as you read this text, you will start to know a little bit too.
It comes creeping in on you like a hungry homeless man circling the bus stop for change.
***
I closed the door behind me and he gave me a tour of the apartment. It was a pretty big place.
The word “tour” might be a little extravagant. Like describing a standard Volvo from the 90’s like “the best car ever made”. What you foreigners don’t get is that in Sweden a Volvo is a standard car. There is nothing special about it. Like driving a Suzuki in Japan. People just register “car” and keep moving.
Every time he showed me a room he uttered a sound that represented that living space. Living room became “Liv-roo”. Bathroom became “Bath-roo”. The kitchen was silent.
Life lesson: If confronted with a task that requires more than zero effort, don’t bother.
Try murmuring “kitchen” under your breath. It isn’t possible, so he pulled back and let Father Time handle the issue. Father Time tends to solve things or at least not make them worse.
My room was also silent. I guess saying “Your room” was way too much to ask.
Life lesson: Don’t have unreasonable expectations.
I waited for him to speak, but he didn’t. So I had to sort of go “So this is where I’ll stay!” in a fake cheerful voice. Where he responded “Hm”. That “Hm” would be the most common word he ever used, and represented about 70% of his vocabulary.
***
My room was filthy. Just filthy. Did I mention it was filthy? Random items lay spread across the place, all topped with a layer of dust you could ski on.
The windows were covered by giant floor-to-ceiling curtains with green, red, and pink roses on them.
These people had no taste, no class. These people were barbarians who wouldn’t survive a day in nature. Weak genes prowling along the chapter of life through the miracle of civilization.
It was pathetic. The whole thing was pathetic.
***
What happened next will have you understand this guy on a new level. I hesitate to call him “man” because it implies something good on some level. This life form has not proven itself worthy of such lavish words.
This is definitely a “dude” or a “guy” and not a man. Also, if you’re trying to have sex in Sweden, fly this guy to the other side of the planet. Because he will shut your game down.
They should have a picture of this guy at the emergency clinic for people who overdose on Viagra. Suck 15 vials of blood out of your body or take a look at this guy. Your choice.
Anyway. In the middle of my room there was a guitar case. It kind of just sat there, all dusty and old and unwanted. There was something self-righteous about it.
Like the man who takes up two seats on the subway at rush hour. You’re not being mean, you’re just generally unwanted and taking up more space than you should.
As my eyes fell on that guitar case, I knew it posed a problem. This apartment was filled with things. I would have to store it in my room, or outsource the problem, and fill this apartment up with one more thing.
I couldn’t exactly push it into a corner and forget about it, could I? It wasn’t a baby guitar case. It was a fully-sized, giant old guitar case from the 70’s that took up a lot of space.
I chose my words carefully:
“Would it be possible to put that somewhere else?”
And like a powerful mute warrior he stepped forward and swooped it up.
I will not lie.
This blew my mind.
I gave myself a moment to recover. Everything seemed so far away. Time passed slowly. Tick-tock, tick-tock. For a couple minutes there, I handed over the reigns of life to Father Time.
Was I in shock? Hard to tell, because I didn’t think or feel anything at all. Was I infested with a brain parasite which ate up my active brain circuits? Is this how I react to pressure? To adversity? I “check out”?
I don’t know how long I stood there, or how long he stood there. Because we were both in vegetable mode and things are very slow and random in vegetable mode.
***
I do know that he picked up that guitar case and turned around and faced me. He was either an X-man and used a superpower on me, or his face stopped time.
The worst acne you have ever seen.
The kind of face children run from.
The face that shortcuts all CGI in a horror movie.
Fake plastic cheese skin draped over a terrible bone structure.
My belief in a higher power was sapped from my body, and I was left with a materialistic view of the world.
We are nothing more than the sum of our parts. We are nothing more than the sum of our parts. We are nothing more than the…
The mantra of materialism was hammering its way into my brain. It might seem irrational, unscientific, and utterly impossible; but in the minds of men, that face disproved God.
***
What happened after was more of a blur. I remember following him around the apartment as he was trying to get rid of the guitar case.
He bent his knees a couple times as he imagined placing the guitar case in a spot, but decided against it. He eventually placed it in front of an empty bookcase in the living room.
I remember wondering why he put it basically in the middle of the room. But he was extremely happy about getting rid of that guitar case. He really was.
***
After some time had passed, I observed it to see if it had moved. Just, you know, the way something moves if someone’s giant King Kong feet brushes against it once in a blue moon.
It hadn’t.
It was in the exact same place.
I leaned forward and eyed it with suspicion. Yep. That thing was self-righteous as hell.
Say what you want about Mister Carrot over here, but this human vegetable made that guitar case his bitch.
Chapter 2: Cleaning My Room
Now that the guitar case was gone I could focus on getting rid of all the worthless trash in my room. Because that’s what it was: worthless trash.
Even a pile of garbage can be inspiring. You know when you throw away hard stuff like furniture you go to that place that got everything?
Once there, you find an old tape recorder and a screwdriver and build a satellite radio like MacGyver. Well, this crap was so pointless that all my years with MacGyver didn’t do me any good.
I searched the apartment and found a closet filled to the breaking point with stuff. When I say “closet” I mean small room. When I say “breaking point” I mean up to my eyes.
Let’s just say there was a lot of stuff in there. And I threw all the stuff in my room on top of that stuff.
I didn’t care if it landed sideways or broke something beneath it. I didn’t care if the overall weight became too much for the stuff at the bottom. Didn’t care. In fact, the more it sounded like a “crack” when I threw it and not a “thud” — the better I felt. By the end of it, I felt awesome.
If you found a real bad person’s bike, and you punctured the wheel with your key, you’d feel the same way. Elevated. That’s the word.
Other people’s stuff takes a toll on you. It really does. It wears you down like a bitter nagging wife wears down her man of 30 years. But what did he do to deserve it? That’s the million dollar question.
I didn’t do anything to deserve this filth and this crap and paying my rent to inferior genes. The word “inferior” might imply that I think I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don’t. I don’t think I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I think that I’m a fairly talented individual that hit a rough patch in life, and he’s unworthy of even being a carbon-based life form.
If “carbon-based life” (let’s call it CBL), was the operating system of a bunch of chemical reactions humans call “life”, the PR-team would hate to see this guy running it.
“Get this guy off the CBL! Get him off. Do it now!”
“On it, sir, this is our number one priority. He makes us look bad. It’s about damage control.”
“This other guy is writing a book about him. If it gets out, we are doomed, DOOMED!”
“Don’t worry, sir, I’m on it. No one will read it.”
I paid my rent to my roommate’s mum, who oversaw the apartment. It was her apartment. She didn’t own it, but she had rented it for 20 years or something like that.
She would come on these “surprise visits”, where she inspected the place. She would go right into the kitchen and be upset if it wasn’t clean.MY part of the kitchen was clean. HIS wasn’t.
Through some strange leap of low quality logic, it was my fault her son feared clean kitchens more than stage 4 brain cancer.
You can probably guesstimate just how much that pissed me off.
***
It took me two weeks to find the vacuum cleaner. It was a big, robust thing, the kind you find in factories. I checked the vacuum bag. About 20% full. Good.
I pressed the giant power button in the middle. Wow. That suck was real strong. My thoughts went to “Doofy” in Scary Movie who was always “cleaning his room” with his **** in the pipe.
Doofy, just like this guy, was never getting laid. It just wasn’t happening.
Doofy was a retard.
This guy was a carrot.
The similarities seemed to never end. When I think about it, they could be best friends and were probably soulmates.
You know the animated movies that have a horse and a squirrel go on an adventure together? They were like that, a horse and a squirrel gliding through life.
If I told you how I went about cleaning my room, you would be bored. Even watching someone clean is boring. When I lived with my dad in Stockholm, my grandma would come over and clean the place.
You had to watch what she was doing and commend everything she did. She wanted this continuous, low energy dialogue that went on for hours, and that is actually worse than doing it yourself.
After the first few times, my dad learned and fled the scene as she arrived.
“Where you going?” she’d say.
“Going out!” he’d answer.
So the next time she told him they’d do it together. But that is, again, worse than doing it yourself. So he said “no” and then she came anyway, and he fled the scene like expected.
Grandma don’t play games. Every time you meet up, she will talk about the last time she cleaned your place and how dirty it was. Even if it wasn’t very dirty. She will find some spot that was dirty and store that in her memory bank. Like inside the microwave or under the stove.
My entire family has this same experience, and some will not allow her to clean their place anymore, because of the hassle. And, you know, they are probably happier for it.
You let her clean your place to make her happy, but she thinks it’s the other way around.
It would not be incorrect to say that, when she cleans your place, she makes you her bitch. And nobody wants to be somebody else’s bitch.
Chapter 3: Taking Over The Kitchen
The next step was to take over the kitchen. “Take over” might be a little aggressive, so let’s go with “establishing a presence”. Or maybe something in between like “expanding the territory”.
This sounds very militaristic, I’m aware of that, but they hadn’t moved a single thing or made any space whatsoever. Not one dust particle had taken a detour because of me. That’s offensive.
***
I went into the kitchen and opened the cabinets. This was also a little offensive. It was all low grade pasta and flour mixes and basically nothing else.
It was all old. I wanted to check the dates, but I couldn’t do it, for I cared so little for these food items you cannot even imagine.
The mere thought of devoting my 20/20 eye to a crappy-ass packet of pasta from 2002, that the master of trash wouldn’t even eat, made me nauseous.
There were three shelves. I shoved his stuff out of the way, to the right, and took the left side. As I saw that space open up I felt a million times better.
I put my stuff in there. Tomato sauce, coconut milk, raisins, nuts and tea. I don’t drink tea but I know I should. I don’t drink coffee either, but I don’t feel bad about it, like with tea. That tea is guilt tripping the hell out of me.
Next stop was the fridge.
***
I don’t want to say anything about the fridge, except that there was nothing in it. Some butter, and old cheese, and a very old dried up tube of tomato puree.
One more thing. There were a bunch of fully expanded, empty plastic bags in his fridge. Who has fully expanded, empty plastic bags lying around taking up space in the fridge? Did I say they were fully expanded and empty?
I’ve never seen that before, and I’ve seen the insides of many fridges in my life. It bothered the shit out of me. But I let them be because they were on his shelves.
I took two shelves in the middle, and a third of the kitchen door. I didn’t even ask, I just did it. These people operated on such a low vibration, that if you asked something, you would probably get a bad answer.
Not even a negative answer. Just an answer that had so many stupid, unimportant, incorrect and negative implications that it made your head spin. It was better to leave these mouth-breathers alone.
If you’re taking a hike in the woods and see a pile of dog shit, don’t be grinding on that thing like it’s 1969, is what I’m saying. Let that shit be the master of its own universe.
***
The freezer was easy, a piece of cake. I took his stuff and put it in a different box. I cleared two boxes this way, and would probably take a third a couple weeks from now. My blueberries need breathing room.
Cabinet: Check.
Fridge: Check.
Freezer: Check.
I was winning.
Chapter 4: Anti-pity’s Diet
Anti-pity doesn’t cook. When I say he doesn’t cook food, I mean he really doesn’t cook food.
The most food he has ever cooked, and even this has only happened three times in five months, is putting some ready-made meatballs and french fries in the oven. That’s it.
He then lets that sit until it burns, and the smell of burnt food wakes him up from hibernation, and he goes and takes it out.
No, it’s not over.
I don’t care what you think.
There’s more.
He didn’t even buy those meatballs and those french fries himself. He’s supposed to go to school and work evenings three-to-four times a week. Supposed to. He doesn’t. He has no money.
His dad takes him to the grocery store, shops with him, pays for it, and takes him home. And this guy barely unpacks the groceries. I don’t know if he does, I’ve never seen it.
His dad doesn’t just buy the groceries for him and drop him off, no, he comes inside with him. At that point, I always go to my room, because that kitchen is too small for three people.
Somehow, through the magical presence of his dad, the groceries get unpacked. Maybe it’s a father-and-son kind of thing and they get a kick out of it, I don’t know.
I would bond any day with my son over how hard he sucks.
***
His dad is a normal looking guy in his early fifties. He’s also a vegetarian.
One time, he was cooking pasta on the stove and burning some factory-made trans fat meatballs in the old spotted Teflon frying pan they have.
It was dry as hell and it was oozing smoke. That fan was working overdrive just to keep up.
“You don’t use a lot of fat, do you?” I said.
“Nah, you don’t need it,” he said confidently, and kept stirring.
I looked down at those meatballs again. Black. Not brown, not dark brown. But black as coal.
I walked into my room and shut the door.
***
Anti-pity’s diet plan will give you everything you ever wanted… if you only do the opposite.
Supermodel: Check.
Superman: Check.
I’m telling you, you can break records and swim oceans if you only do what this kid doesn’t. Here is a breakdown:
70%
70% are frozen meals his mum makes for him. She lives in Gothenburg, which is a 15-hour train ride from here. Once a month, she comes and stays over the weekend and makes a shitload of food and puts it in the freezer.
This dude wakes up around 4 PM, puts one of those badasses in the microwave for 15 minutes, and Voilá, a morning gourmet has presented itself. He really does wake up around 4 PM. School? Yeah right.
He always sleeps in the living room. Apparently, he cannot sleep in his bedroom. For about two weeks after I moved in, he did. But after that honeymoon phase was over, the sofa it was.
20%
20% are store-bought pizzas. Baked in the oven that hasn’t been cleaned in years. Bare minimum nine months, I haven’t exactly asked.
There is a lot of smoke and smell due to the burnt cheese and garlic powder on the oven floor. I can’t even use that oven because I don’t want my grilled brussels sprouts to taste like shitty old pizza.
10%
10% is his dad making pasta/meatballs (always those) or coming home with takeout pizza. On rare occasions, on birthdays or when somebody dies, they actually go to the restaurant and eat that same pizza. His dad picks him up, and drops him off, for a full 360 win in paradise.
Chapter 5: The Bathroom
Remember when he gave me that “tour” of the apartment? Of the “bath-roo”, the “liv-roo”, and the silent kitchen?
I didn’t tell you about the bathroom then, did I? There was a reason for that. I knew it would take a whole chapter.
Yeah…
When he showed me his bathroom, there wasn’t the slightest hint of hesitation or embarrassment. When I say “slightest hint”, I sincerely do mean absolutely nothing.
Not a pause, not a cough, not a stutter step or anything else that would indicate discomfort in any way.
No, he showed me his stinky, moldy, pubic hair-infested bathroom like it was the Great Pyramid of Giza.
***
He didn’t do that, actually, I just wanted a great ending on that sentence.
He didn’t act like it was impressive, or wasn’t impressive. He acted like it was a completely neutral object that could invoke no emotion or thought whatsoever.
Sort of like a woodsman picking up a random rock in the forest and saying:
“This is a rock.”
Even boredom is an emotion. This guy didn’t even have that. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was medicated. But I would never give him that excuse.
***
The first thing that hit you was the smell.
The strong, sour, reeking smell of wet forgotten clothes. And lo and behold, the first thing you saw when you stepped into that bathroom was a giant man-sized pile of clothes to the right. Okay.
This is where I channeled every motivational speech I’ve ever heard into a single momentary fortification of the mind. It wasn’t verbal, it went beyond that. I channeled the spirit of overcoming adversity and riding sword-first into the smoldering sun.
I was a Vietnam soldier crawling my way through one of those long, dark, cramped tunnels of the Viet Cong.
I was a NAVY Seal storming into the dark caves of Afghanistan full of Talibans, suicide vests, and “Allah Akbars”.
I was going to heaven, maybe, but not before I cleaned the clogged-up sewage pipe beneath New York City the size of the Trans Siberian railway.
I was in a space suit, drifting through space, about to collide with an asteroid the size of Texas. I can do this. I am winning. Don’t be a bitch. JUST DO IT. Nike go fuck yourself.
As he flicked that switch and turned on the light, the entire bathroom opened up to you like a festering wound.
Filth of the like you have never seen.
It seemed to not be on the sink, bathroom stall, and bathtub. It seemed to go through it. That’s the best way to describe it. Not on but through.
It had the colour of old, worn out grey. It wasn’t plain grey. It was spotted, or patterned.
You know the Santa Claus factory where they paint a chessboard with checkered colours? It was like that, but the colour was filth.
Once the eyes got used to the dirt, you could see that behind it, was white porcelain. Hiding like some kind of Cinderella in a troll suit.
On the wall above the bathtub, clear flecks of mold. Black and green, I think, I’ve mostly blocked it out.
This is where he washed his hands.
This is where he brushed his teeth.
This is where he cleaned himself.
When I look back at it, this conversation pops up in my head:
“Where do you clean yourself, bro?” (me)
“I go to the dirtiest place on Earth, and do it there.” (him)
“How is that working out for you?”
“Mm.” (unintelligible murmur)
“What was that? Didn’t quite hear you there?”
“Mmm.” (turns back, walks away)
My opinion of him took a major hit.
He landed somewhere in between cancer cell and cockroach.
Chapter 6: The Mailbox
I had lived here for about a week, and none of them had mentioned a single word of how I would go about putting my name on the mailbox. Not. One. Word.
I say “they” because Anti-pity lives here, his mum has the apartment (but doesn’t live here), and his dad (who used to live here) comes over twice a week with pizza to his son.
They were enabling their son to be a loser. Trust me, he would be in any family constellation, but they made it very easy for him. To sink into this vegetable state and be a loser full time.
To him, it really was a full time job. Because his whole life rotated around achieving that goal. He never did one thing that did not contribute to that dorito-finger couch potato lifestyle.
***
If this was something to be aspired, like in an alternative universe, or another dimension, he had made a lot of sacrifices to get here.
No social status, no money, no career, shit body, shit face, shit health, shit personality — in very general and broad terms — a shit life.
And about a million miles away from falling and landing on a pu**y.
I’m sorry.
I don’t mean to offend you.
Actually, I’m not sorry and I did mean to offend you, just not in a major way. That’s why I put those stars in there.
I tend to not give a f*ck, but I am polite about it.
***
This guy had so few friends, that in the inverted reality matrix, he was The Great Gatsby.
He really was.
A myth.
A legend.
A God among mortals.
A young, rich, smart, successful and immensely popular young chap with the world at his two bare feet.
He was Usain Bolt on the 100 meter dash.
He was Kurt Cobain before Courtney Love killed him.
He was Michael Jackson before he became white.
He was Stephen King before he got hit by a car.
He was Steve Jobs before he got liver cancer.
He was Bill Gates before he gave away all his money.
He was Bill Cosby before he date raped 100 women.
He was Neil Armstrong about to take a piss on the moon.
In upside-down world, this guy is winning so hard it’s stupid.
I don’t mean to go dark on you, but if this guy found this book, read it, liked it, and then discovered it was about him.
If he killed himself because of it, he’d be buried in the ground and the Earth would spin slightly faster because of it.
If all that happened, it wouldn’t be the new holocaust, is what I’m saying.
If I was that guy, I would just smoke weed all the time and watch Avatar all day, and pretend that was the real world and this was the fake world presenting itself through a really bad movie.
This movie sucks! I hate the main character! He’s such a loser!
***
The mailbox in this particular edition of the movie didn’t have my name on it.
That had to change.
Big time.
Sometimes, you get important mail. It’s not like with this guy, that if he got his mail or not it didn’t matter. It’s not like that.
No, it could be a bill, a doctor’s appointment, something that you just cannot miss.
If this guy threw away his unopened letter in the garbage bag at home, or if the mailman threw it away in some other garbage bag — just didn’t matter.
I’m sorry.
But it doesn’t.
You can go: If the garbage man goes around throwing away letters in garbage bags outside, those are going to get full, now a banana peel will bounce off those letters and land on the street.
An old woman is going to step on that banana peel, slip, break her back, and die right there on the street like some animal who just got shot in the back.
No.
That’s wrong.
You can bring me this lady in a bag, an X-ray of her back, and surveillance footage of her stepping on the banana peel, falling over and dying like some squirrel who just became roadkill.
Wouldn’t change anything.
Some things just are.
This is one of those things.
***
I had a pen.
I had paper.
But no tape.
I searched through that entire apartment like I had the devil on my back and my ass was on fire. That’s how it felt.
I went through every cabinet, every drawer, every space I could find. Nothing. No tape.
Do you know how uncool you must be to live in an apartment for an extended period of time, have no tape, and pretend like everything is good?
You have to be fake.
You have to be lazy.
You have to be a lot of things.
When I get mad I get tunnel vision. I went through every place where that tape should have been one more time.
Nope.
No tape.
What kind of bullshit apartment is this?! It’s tape!
I put my elbows on the table and rested for a bit. I went through the entire apartment, very slowly, one more time. Still nothing.
The devil on my back, the fire in my asshole, and me were merging. I went through the apartment one… last… time.
Nothing.
I was ready to kill someone.
***
The fact that these people didn’t have any kind of tape at home whatsoever, made me dislike them even more.
It made sense.
It made a lot of sense.
I had to go downtown.
Chapter 7: Going Downtown
This is not New York. Los Angeles. Or Tokyo.
This is the small town of ÖSTERSUND in the province of JÄMTLAND in northern SWEDEN. Some say middle, look at a map and so shall you see.
Jämtland is directly connected to Norway, so we get some of their joy and oil through sheer osmosis. If you don’t know what osmosis is, it’s the thing that makes things spread, like religion.
The nature around Östersund is stunning. Now, I hate that word, because it is fake, so let’s say beautiful.
A giant river runs straight through the heart of Östersund. This river is so big, that the fish think they’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
It takes five full minutes to walk across this river on a bridge. You cannot bike across this bridge in less than 60 seconds, no matter how fast you go. If you’re Lance Armstrong, and you only got one ball, that’s a little less weight to carry, but still. Can’t do it.
Dwarfs can barely get across it. I saw a dwarf “walk” across it once, and it wasn’t pretty. I say “walk” ‘cause, you know, they move more sideways than forward.
I still don’t know if that child-sized man made it across. I almost called child protective services on his ass.
***
The weather is dynamic. It changes very fast.
I think it’s because we’re surrounded by hills, because it was the same when I lived in Edmonton near The Rocky Mountains. A 17 hour bus ride, but still, I see a correlation.
Point is, you’d think this ever-changing weather would create some interesting people. Na. The people of Östersund are mostly farmers and physical labourers and all the smart ones fled to the city. You don’t need to be Einstein to run a farm, you need stability and energy.
No matter what your preconceptions were, know that Östersund is a low energy town of 50 000 people.
Beautiful nature.
Dynamic weather.
Boring people.
These are the must-knows of Östersund.
***
There is one other thing.
Östersund is the Scandinavian capital of the homeless and the retards. It’s not official, I don’t think, but the numbers speak for themselves.
You cannot turn a corner in downtown Östersund without seeing one. They are all downtown.
The handicapped retards get apartments for their low potential constitution, and there they stay.
The homeless alcoholics definitely don’t get apartments, I think they hang out where the action is.
I have nothing against gross people, as long as they don’t take up my entire visual field. These wheelchairs and drooling mother*uckers tend to do that. There’s a star in there, so don’t get offended.
***
There is no place they will not go; the library, the bookshop, the cinema — there are no safe zones anymore. They might not understand the book called “ABC” in the children’s section, but they will go there and they will read Stephen King’s latest book in front of you, just to show you they can.
They can’t, and their assistant knows that. Still, they have endless emotional support from the people that work for them. They can fire them at anytime.
This behaviour is sort of endorsed by the government because they all got expensive apartments in the most attractive part of Östersund. Point blank downtown.
And if you are so retarded you cannot function on your own, you get to stay in one of these halfway houses for retards, which are all, you guessed it, downtown.
***
I went to my bus stop REMONTHAGEN and put my skinny ass on a yellow diesel bus.
When I was in school we got one pencil every semester. One. We’d peer through the window of the special class and they got one teacher per student, TVs, radios, games and more stuff I can’t remember now because it was 20 years ago.
I still think about that as I step off the bus and take a jab to the face.
A short, hunchback woman is walking awkwardly. One eye is closed and the other one is extremely red. Her face is hanging to her chest which itself is hanging to her knees.
Keep moving. Don’t slow down. That’s how they get you.
I look up and see a regular dude. Now that’s what a regular dude looks like, I think to myself. Average height, weight, size. His clothes were whole and clean and matched by his shoes. He looked like a low-end businessman.
I know this guy. He’s so obvious.
There was something about his face. Apprehension? Tension? There was something there, but I couldn’t say what. Every other second or so, a twinge.
I looked down. Was he limping? No, maybe, yes. If you looked directly at his left leg, you saw that he was dragging it behind him, like a pillar of concrete.
This guy was turning on me. I didn’t know where I had him.
You know that scene in Men In Black when this average Joe farmer turns out to be a gigantic, monstrous, people-swallowing alien?
It was like that. If this was his best self, I didn’t want to see his other selves.
I hit the panic button, shut down, and went into fail-safe survival mode. I was in my panic room. Nothing could get me here.
I peered out at the world through a tiny window. I didn’t have tunnel vision, I had tiny slit vision. I saw just enough not to steamroll the old lady in front of me.
I made my way to the department store. My blood sugar was dropping, and I was slipping into a coma. Survival mode is good that way, it uses little energy and keeps only the basic stuff going.
I fumbled around the store for ten very long minutes.
I asked an employee for directions. Got them. Followed them. Nothing. Asked another one. Got new directions. Went to a new place. Nothing. On the third or fourth attempt I struck gold. There it was. Yellow tape.
The checkout line was simply too long. But I had no energy left, so I just stood there and took it up the ass like a good citizen. The most amount of fingers I ever had in my ass was five. Well, this retail-dick beat those by a long shot.
I was a complete cabbage head by this point, so I didn’t even care. The power of my deadpan stare was off the charts. Off the charts. If you made a chart that specifically showed the power of my deadpan stare on a scale of 1 to 10, it wouldn’t be on that chart.
Once through, I had to sit down and rest on a wooden pallet for a while. Maybe it was seven minutes. Maybe it was twelve. I then stood up, walked that 90 second stretch to the bus stop, and took the bus home.
***
I collapsed on my bed like an empty sack of potatoes. The tape was still in the plastic bag on the kitchen table, that’s how little I cared. The hours went by.
After 5 hours my fatigue went from “dangerous” to “extreme”.
After 10 hours it went from “extreme” to “pretty bad”.
After 15 hours it went from “pretty bad” to “moderate”, though still a pain in the ass.
And after 20 goddamn hours I felt like a normal human being again.
It was at the beginning of the 25th hour that I punched the clock as the proud survivor of “Retarded Person Induced Trauma”.
It was going to take more than a bad case of RPIT and a couple zombie-tards to take me out.
Chapter 8: A Random Dream
I had a horrible nightmare last night. I’m writing this down, because it’s 1:09 AM and I’m about to sleep again.
I was a part of the resistance in some kind of George Orwell 1984 society. I was at the top floor in a tall skyscraper, with the walls torn off from large tank shots.
But it stood strong and was not about to collapse into its own footprint at free fall speed with zero resistance like building 7 did at 9/11. I didn’t even think about that and I wasn’t about to call 911 or anything.
A man picked up a gun and shot me twice in the chest. Once in each lung, and I felt the air go out, like when you pop a balloon. I fell onto my stomach and died. But it was a slow death and I had to wait for it. It was very awkward.
And after a while I realized I wasn’t dead, just very, very hurt. The problem was: they were still in the room and thought I was dead. So I had to take extremely shallow breaths that made no sound at all.
This led to oxygen deficiency, which led to panic. I was battling this panic while being unable to breathe. I had an out-of-body experience in the dream and watched my long skinny back go up and down. It moved too much, so I breathed even less. The anxiety and panic was really something.
At this time I woke up, and I was on my stomach in my bed, with my arms crossed over my chest, making it impossible to breathe. I had created my own straitjacket. I felt like shit and my chest was under so much pressure.
I moved to my back, and let that chest roam free, like a gay AIDS dick in the 70’s. Sorry about that, it just came to me.
My killers were gone and a tall, white, beautiful woman with a big round ass was there. She was naked and her ass was facing me, in all it’s oiled up static glory.
I went to town on that ass, gripping the meat with my hands, pulling it into me as another part of me pushed it away. The view was great, because the wall was torn off. A cloud drifted into my mouth… I could taste it.
Not really, though. A cloud did not drift into my mouth. It was an office building, not a castle in the sky. Don’t try pretend that dream was significant — it wasn’t. It was just a random dream that came to me.
Are people allowed to have random experiences these days? Or must the firing of EVERY neuron in that ball of fat we call “brain” be of life-shattering proportions?
That’s what kills me about hippies. They wake up Sunday morning and take a shit, and now they just had a conversation with God.
They want to cast this epic shadow over everything they’re doing. They aren’t just trying to kick a weed addiction, no, they are in a direct confrontation with the God of Pleasure.
They can’t just walk in nature and enjoy the view, no, there’s alien technology hidden in those stones over there.
They can’t be an unimportant person in the larger scheme of things, no, FBI, NSA, and Department of Homeland Security is tailing their ass and bugging their phones.
Now we’ve crossed over into paranoia, but it’s all part of this need to cast yourself as a hero in your own movie. It’s a form of narcissism that can get out of control if you have a bad grip on reality.
Chapter 9: Securing The Area
With that dream out of the way I was down to work.
I had established enough of a presence at home by now to venture outside. Time to see what this neighbourhood was made out of.
This neighbourhood could not be more average. Swedish middle class. Very boring but they are good citizens in every sense of the word.
Just so you know, 90% of Sweden is middle class. The answer wasn’t communism. The answer was to push everybody towards the middle class. Help the poor up with free education, good healthcare and all that. Push the rich down with inescapable taxes around 40%.
The result: the poor become lower middle class and the rich become upper middle class.
That leaves about 1000 filthy rich people and 10 000 broke fucks. Not a bad deal.
Plus, if you hate on the suits like a real communist, don’t pretend the smartphone would have been remotely okay without Steve Jobs. Terrible father, brilliant business leader.
***
The Swedish model works. Every single country in Scandinavia is proof of that. Sweden, Norway, Finland, Denmark, Iceland.
Finland is pretty Russian and has rampant alcoholism. That country works about 1500 times better than Namibia, okay? The Danish party hard and drink a lot of booze and smoke.
They don’t have that German “Work first, then play” attitude. Their attitude is “Play hard for as long as you can, then work if I happen to feel like it”. That country is still top 10 in the world. So is Finland. That’s how powerful the Swedish model is.
It really is mind-boggling that the rest of the world isn’t trying to be more like Sweden. The only reason we have more crime than Japan is because of immigration. Japan took 28 refugees 2016, and didn’t give them shit. No money, no food, no housing, nothing.
Sweden takes 100 000 and tries to give them a decent life. It’s not easy. But for some reason, Sweden and Germany take on the problems of the world.
The refugees aren’t vegetables like Anti-pity, but compared to even an average Swede, they are barbarians.
No housing, no schooling, civil war and massive incest don’t tend to create the next renaissance, if you know what I’m saying? The incest is very geographical, and country-specific.
If you don’t marry your blood related cousin in Pakistan, you are disowned and publicly whipped.
If your sister is on her knees doing laundry, and you don’t throw that dick in her mouth, you are pretty much committing a crime in Pakistan.
Not breeding with family members is a serious offense, and is treated as such. Public whipping, prison, death.
Not having an open, publicly known sexual relationship with a close family member is very suspect in Pakistan. They can’t trust you now, they don’t know where they have you. You have to show them you are on their side.
Sis, get over here! Do this thing for daddy… I mean brother… or let’s be honest I meant both.
***
I have walked this neighbourhood so many times, and not once has anything interesting happened.
Not once.
You have to give me SOMETHING; an argument, a fist fight, a car crash with zero injuries, even an unimportant displaced object would be fine. Then you could at least wonder how it got there, and what the backstory was.
And if I can’t have any of those things, give me the remnants of one of those things. An uprooted mailbox would make my week. Even a car with a dent on it, would be exhilarating.
I don’t expect David Copperfield to disappear the Statue of Liberty, is what I’m saying.
***
When I lived in downtown Edmonton, I heard ambulances all the time. All the time. Now, I live five minutes from the only hospital in this part of Sweden, a major hospital, and I’ve never heard an ambulance.
How is that possible? If I didn’t know better, I’d think the ambulances were silent in Sweden.
This place is so safe it makes me want to punch someone.
Chapter 10: The Kitchen
I might already have mentioned that I “took over” the kitchen a while back. As amazing as that sounds, it wasn’t all that amazing.
Anti-pity is the kind of dog that loses all play fights, says “yes” to a real fight, and loses that fight, too. He always loses the fight, but he’s too dumb and lazy to do anything about it, other than rely on his terrible memory to forget.
Anti-pity’s coping mechanism is to lie down on the couch, play video games, eat pizza, drift off to sleep, wake up, and redo the whole thing over again. Rinse and repeat. And then you die. That’s his life. I just summarized his whole legacy in a single paragraph, and it wasn’t even hard.
My point is the following: even if I “took over” the kitchen per se, even if I pushed my weight around and showed dominance like an alpha chimp, Anti-pity is not capable of absorbing that information and adjusting. He just keeps doing exactly what he has been doing. Am I getting my point across?
This simple fact led to a series of problems down the road. It did not matter what happened. He would not clean that kitchen.
***
One time, when his dishes had been lying around for weeks… it got moldy.
I didn’t know how to address it, but I told him. Very politely. A sort of “You can do it whenever you happen to feel like it, no rush, no worries” kind of comment. I think we all know exactly what kind of comment that is.
It is filled with positive energy the way a good steak is filled with fat. But that cow grew up in torture chamber. Behind that comment is a smiley face, and behind that face is disdain.
Three hours after my overly polite hate-to-bother-you comment, he went into the kitchen, picked out the moldy dishes, put them in the washing machine, and left absolutely everything else.
I was in my room when heard a bunch of noises, and I felt a little smug that I made him clean the kitchen. I took his “kitchen cleaning virginity”, you could say.
I ran a totem-pole up his ass papa-chimp style. I am just writing crazy shit today. There is something wrong with my sinuses, I got a headache and a sore throat.
Let’s just say this: I was extremely happy about the fact that he expended energy to move his own dishes around. Did I just invent the quantum computer? That’s how I felt.
Then, something happened.
Or maybe it was what didn’t happen.
I walked into the kitchen to find that he had only cleaned the moldy dishes, and left everything else. I froze midstride, and stood completely still to make sure my observation was correct. It was correct.
Right at that second, my loathing of him took a new form, reached a new height, changed its energetic potential from moving chairs to mountains.
If you followed the trajectory, 27 seconds from now, I would be the first person in history to make Mount Everest my bitch.
I cannot accurately describe the mental process that took place in my head that day.
If one of those Precogs (psychic mutants) from Minority Report peered into my brain that night, Tom Cruise would haul my ass to prison for “Future Murder”.
And he would be right.
***
That kitchen was always dirty, always filthy. Even after I cleaned it, including his stuff, he would come in and put some of his old butter on his old bread, and leave dry-ass bread crumbs all over the goddam place.
I had a space on the counter that I kept clean, that I kept to myself. He would take his butter knife, with a bunch of butter on it, and leave it in the middle of that space. Slabs of butter. In your face.
Try cleaning up butter if you don’t have paper towels at home, it’s not exactly a vacation to Ibiza.
It’s all slimy and it doesn’t stick to the rag, but, ironically, it does stick when you try wash it off with water. So you have to use your hands. Slabs of butter. On your hands.
***
This guy has some bad moves in the kitchen, let me tell you.
He would dump all the food he never ate in the kitchen sink. The kitchen sink was a magical portal that disappeared all kinds of food every time his father came over to visit, or when his roommate (me) got really mad and cleaned it.
Try hand washing dishes. That water has no place to go. I don’t mean to be dramatic. But that’s what it was.
Chapter 11: Brushing My Teeth
The apartment had two bathrooms. The big one that he used, and the small one that I used.
I could not brush my teeth in his bathroom, because it was full of mold. And I could not do it in mine, because the sink was broken. It leaked. So, unless I wanted an impromptu foot bath right there on the bathroom floor… there was only one place left.
The kitchen.
But to stare down a grey-brown pit of wet, smelly, rotting, decomposed foods while brushing your teeth isn’t the kind of experience that makes you want to have grandkids.
If Satan had an asshole, that’s what it would look like. And the close vicinity of that brown ring of death didn’t make me any more gay.
Chapter 12: Washing My Hands
I’m on the toilet in my bathroom where you can’t sit without getting T-boned from the right by the sink. Let me explain. They crammed a bathroom into a closet.
Like, sometimes, God takes a fully grown person and crams it into the body of a tiny dwarf. They walk funny, they talk weird, the body parts are all out of proportion. Nothing fits together.
It’s not just a small person. It’s what would happen if you gave a two-year-old access to human lego. They would build strangely shaped humans to the left and right, put together seemingly at random.
A long leg here, a short arm here. Giant head, athletics that make Olympic athletes explode upon sight out of sheer contrast. Nothing is working, and you don’t have to be bright to see it.
The driver’s license for these people is a Nobel Prize in physics. If they jump into a pool and don’t sink they get another prize in chemistry. And if they make it to the other side of the pool — oh man! — they just won Olympic gold in swimming.
It’s true. It’s crazy how unathletic these people are and how much normal people admire them. The bar is set so low, that whatever these people do they get applause and appreciation. They pick up a shotgun and shoot an old bird out of the sky… and now they’re this epic dragon hunter.
But you can’t hate on the dwarf in Game of Thrones, he is seriously amazing. That’s how I know you’re a dwarf racist, if you’re so biased against dwarfs you can’t even like that guy. I love that guy. He got swagger.
How cool would he have been if he was just a little bit taller? Those are the questions that haunts him at night, you just know it.
Back to the bathroom, though. The sink is much too close to the bathroom stall, almost on top of it. So if you lean forward, which inevitably you do during a number two, your upper body will collide with the sink.
You then have two choices, sit straight as an arrow, or dive UNDER the sink, and then almost carry it on your back like a mule. I went under, as I always did, because I always lean forward in these situations.
Your chest is under so much pressure, because it’s driving your knees toward the ground. But the knees have nowhere to go, because the legs are in the way.
It feels like you’re in a straitjacket, size extra small.
Your arms are crossed over your chest, your legs are pinned to the ground, and your back sports a porcelain backpack that weighs a ton. You’re about to pass out. But if you do, goodbye self-respect.
How weak do you have to be to take a shit and lose?
“Bro, you just took a shit and LOST?”
“Shut up.”
Passing out is not an option. There are some other things happening as well.
The bathroom fan is haunted by some kind of ghost, because it’s always screaming and screeching, like music escaped the bowels of hell.
“iiiieiiiieiiiiiiiiiieiiiiiiiiiiie!”
My feet hurt and my left heel is killing me. That plantar fasciitis has been bugging me for years.
In a scale of 1 to 100, my posture is minus four trillion. My chest, my back, my feet, my ears — it’s all hurting.
I collect my thoughts for a moment. If this was a battle, I’m losing it. Big time. But I can’t exactly kamikaze my way into historic stardom.
I pretend I’m Robocop. I stand up, flush, and step into the kitchen with zero emotion on my face.
The smell of death hits me like a straight right over the jaw. His mother’s lasagna. Day 4.
I hold my breath and lean forward over the sink. The soap is against the wall by the faucet. I should tell you about this soap.
It is the worst kind of cheap, industrialized, toxic, foul, sweet smelling soap you will ever find. It’s red and supposed to emulate some kind of dystopian strawberry.
Okay.
Just went and checked the label.
It reads: EU certified Winter Apple & Rime.
Yeah.
That’s what we’re dealing with here.
EU certified Winter Apple & Rime — and it smells like the strawberry Antichrist.
And should you, for any reason, actually push it, it will squirt all over you. Soap. On your clothes. Because it’s old as hell and has dried soap in the opening.
So not only do you have to lean forward awkwardly over that low sink and hold your breath, straining your back and your knees to the breaking point, you also have to make a full 180 degree shield with your other hand.
If this shield has any holes in it, that soap will find its way through and jizz on your shirt.
This soap is so bad, it makes you hate strawberries.
Chapter 13: Dust
I could describe this apartment without mentioning the dust, just like I could watch Alien and pretend there is no alien.
I’ve spent many man-hours trying to figure out where the dust comes from. Because there is too much. You wipe a surface clean and 24 hours later it’s covered in dust. It’s incredible, mind-boggling, stupefying, aggravating.
I’m writing this on a 14-inch white Chromebook. I wiped this screen with my sleeve an hour ago, and now I’m thinking about wiping it again, because I see flecks of dust on there.
I’m not going to. I will not give into temptation. I need to finish this chapter.
***
I removed every piece of furniture in this room that wasn’t essential. Threw it all in that storage room. I’m down to a bed, an office chair, a computer table, and a small bookcase.
Every blanket, pillow, and mattress in this room came with me when I moved in, so I know that’s not the source. I used to have a rug in here. That’s gone.
I have my window open all day and deep into the night, to get a steady influx of fresh air. It stops me from suffocating in this filth.
I’ve done what I can.
I’m tired.
I’m out of options.
So I retreat into a state of learned helplessness, where I know what to expect.
Am I becoming a vegetable?
If I turn into a zucchini I’m gonna be pissed.
Chapter 14: Taking a Shower
Showering ain’t easy. Continents will move before I step into that mold-infested bathroom.
Like now, it’s May 26, 6:39 PM, it’s raining outside, and I’m listening to Meghan Trainor – All About That Bass on my internet radio.
Yeah it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size two
But I can shake it, shake it like I’m supposed to do
‘Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
All the right junk in all the right places
I love that song and every time I hear it I’m thinking of all the anorexia it cures. A government issued PR-campaign won’t hit the average teen, but this song will.
Haven’t showered in three days.
I don’t mean to make this all about me, but I’m a pretty clean guy. I’ve done lots of liver cleanses (about 12), colon cleanses (over 20), and fasting in my days — plus I haven’t been sweating so I’m not exactly reeking.
But I feel unclean.
I’m in that stage where I feel like my body should be itching, but isn’t. His father is here, so that’s my excuse for now. When he leaves, who knows what it will be. I’ll come up with something.
I don’t fear that bathroom, I don’t think.
I have a friend who’s afraid of snakes. Every time you talk about snakes with him, he says,
“I hate snakes. I just hate them.”
“That’s your way of saying you fear them,” I say.
“No, I just hate them.”
It’s like that.
***
I used to live in Edmonton, Canada.
I moved there with my family when I was 15. I went to Harry Ainlay High School, one of the biggest high schools in North America with 1500 students. Made from a giant World War 2 bunker. No windows. Terrible acoustics.
My stepfather is Canadian, that’s why we moved. Our first house was in Twin Brooks, a middle class neighbourhood on the edge of town.
But in our second house, the basement was unfinished. This fiberglass material was stuffed into the walls, but there was no plastic over it.
When you were down there, you breathed this fiberglass dust which got stuck in the lungs permanently and caused scar tissue to form around it.
At first, I didn’t know this. So for three long summer nights I slept in there to escape the summer heat.
Then, I read an article about it online, and I developed a real fear of that basement.
I even had a panic attack over it, because there was no way to get that stuff out of my lungs, and now I would have a bunch of scar tissue in my lungs for the rest of my life.
And maaaaaaaaaaaan are there a lot of breaths in three nights of sleep.
Occasionally, I would have to run down into that basement to get something. I would hold my breath no matter what. No matter how much anxiety and panic showered over me, I would hold my breath.
I’m less scared of mold than I am of fiberglass, because the effect is slow and reversible, as opposed to immediate and permanent with fiberglass.
***
As I stepped into that bathroom, I would hold my breath. Not because I could take a full shower without breathing, but to observe the situation objectively without actively participating in the ecosystem.
Once I removed the shower curtain and saw that the mold was under control, I would breathe again.
The first two minutes of every shower is awkward, because you keep glancing at the mold, wondering what’s going on.
Nothing is going on.
It’s mold.
But once you get going, you get going real good, and there might even be a happy moment or two. The longest shower I ever took was 20 minutes.
A 100% objective observer that watched my whole shower go down without blinking, would probably have to say I made that shower my bitch.
Chapter 15: Betrayed by The Whore
I began writing this book on: May 15, 2017. It took me 6 days to write a first draft of 15 chapters. It took me another 5 days to write a second draft of 13 chapters.
11 days ago this book was an idea in my head.
Thank God I’m mildly bipolar. Without the wind in my back, without living on dopamine I don’t really have, it would have taken me about 57 years.
Justin Bieber would have died of old age before I finished this book, okay?
I had this dream, and Morpheus from The Matrix was there.
“Do you Beliebe?” he asked me.
“Do I what, now? BELIEVE?” I challenged and threw my hands out.
“Listen to me carefully,” he continued and held up a picture of Justin Bieber, “Do you, BELIEBE?”
“If you don’t get into character soon I’m gonna start calling you MOO-pheus.”
***
A big reason for writing this book, was the way I was thrown out of the apartment.
Last month, I had a money shortage. I could only pay half my rent on time, and the other half five days later.
I wrote her (my roommate’s mother) a text message where I explained everything and apologized for any inconvenience. I made it very clear that she would get all her money, because that’s always the issue with late payments.
Do you know what she wrote back?
Don’t care. Borrow from someone.
Now, if my text message was “Can’t pay this month, next month you get double!” — that would have been a legitimate answer. But after a long polite letter where I explained everything AND she already got half? That’s unreasonable, and the whore knew it.
This was the end of April. At the very last day of April, April 30, 8 PM, I get this text message:
Need the apartment. Be out by June 2.
That’s also unreasonable, and the whore knew that, too.
Had that text message come four hours later, at 00:01 AM that same night, I would have had another month in the apartment.
You get the rest of this month, whenever it is cancelled, and the next month. That’s the deal.
I knew the period of notice was one month. We agreed on that when I moved in. I’m not mad about that at all.
You buy a bike for 200 dollars, then you’re mad it cost 200 dollars.
YOU BOUGHT IT ASSHOLE.
I’m mad she used her old rotten brain to cut a full month down to four hours.
Four hours? That’s what I get for putting up with her son? Cleaning up after his ass? Give me a break.
***
I’m not stupid. School was very easy for me, and I scored in the top 5 percent in our equivalent of the SAT three separate times (the result is valid for 5 years, so one time I had to renew it and another time I took the test for fun).
I was the only person in my class who got the highest grade in Swedish when I graduated ninth grade for high school, and we had a couple nerds in that class.
Let’s just say I’m much dumber than Einstein and much smarter than a Kangaroo.
If she gave up the apartment, she had three months before she had to be out. That’s law.
She had been planning this thing for 6-12 months. She knew she was giving up the apartment when I moved in.
Still, it was the last lonely day of April when I got the message:
Need the apartment. Be out by June 2.
***
I happen to know that the entire happy family used to live in this apartment. All of them together. Must have been so cozy.
Anti-pity grew up in this apartment. In fact, he was born here.
In my mind’s eye, I can see how it happened.
How she made herself available to that low quality man with no skills. How she spread her legs wide and let that man bury a load deep inside her, and without any precautions whatsoever, let that thing fester and grow inside her like a cancerous alien.
One way or another, that thing came out and started taking on a life of its own. And here we are, 20 years later.
Let’s just say this: I’m not impressed.
***
I turned from Mr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde.
Did I have a new interest in art — and just start nailing pictures to the walls? I found special screws on the internet without a “grip” so you can’t unscrew them. Awesome.
Did I take long, methodical showers every day and refuse to open the door afterwards? Have the moist and the mold interlocked in a dance of death that tore that place apart.
The washing machine was in that bathroom, too, so why don’t I turn that on, too. The three-hour water wasting program for carpets. I get a mental orgasm just thinking about it.
Could I hide a fish somewhere? The storage room was a perfect place for operation “Multidimensional Mackerel”, “Saggy Salmon”, or “Tainted Tuna”.
I’m sure the ventilation system could house a broken bottle of oyster sauce just fine. Shrimp and brussels sprouts seem like a nasty combination. I could boil that to pieces and spread that water all over the apartment. Like a holy man spreading “Holy Water”.
That was my gift and I was feeling generous today. Very generous.
50 years from now, this will only be a distant memory. They will look back at it and go “Jeez, I don’t know about that guy, but he made that apartment his bitch.”
Time to get serious.
I have given that crack whore too much leeway already.
Chapter 16: The Garbage War
The most brutal thing about living in this apartment is that Anti-pity will not, under any circumstances whatsoever, take out the garbage.
You know I have these weeks where I live like a monk and don’t produce a lot of garbage? And the garbage I do produce is pretty clean and non-smelling? The plastic wrapping of rice crackers, the cardboard box of organic basmati rice, that sort of thing? Nothing wet and stinky.
If a homeless person had to sleep in an alley with my garbage, I wouldn’t feel that sorry for him, and it might be the best week of his life.
He might feel like people care by not throwing a bunch of stinky, smelling, rotten crap on his bed — right?
These people sleep in containers. And sometimes the garbage truck picks it up, empties it, and we have one less homeless man.
How you go from getting the back massage of a lifetime from recycled dildos to being cubed in 15 seconds, only he can answer.
If I’m having a clean week like that, I get especially angry. I’m doing my part, he’s not doing his, and I still have to take out his ugly disgusting garbage.
***
The most disturbing thing are the pizza boxes.
He jams those things down the garbage bag like it was his obligation to humanity.
They never fit — I always have to take them out, manually fold them, and put them in a separate bag. My hands touching slabs of pizza that used to be in that busted corn mouth — ugh!
Cleaning up after this kid isn’t exactly the experience of a lifetime.
***
One time, I made it my primary goal of the week to make him take out the garbage.
On Tuesday, the bag was full.
Then we had Wednesday.
Thursday.
Friday.
On Friday, I did something amazing.
I went on a mini-vacation to my ex’s house.
I lived there for three days and took care of my daughter. I get along with my ex just fine, especially when she’s gone. Like, she will be at work, go shopping after work, or meet up with friends, and I’ll be home with my daughter and we’re having a blast.
Play-fighting, chasing monsters, watching TV, eating boiled eggs with salt and black pepper, going outside to run and eat red currants — is all on the menu.
We’re basically just hanging out, teasing each other, and relaxing. If you tell my daughter that I will come over, you might as well have told her a magician will crawl out of the chimney and conjure up Santa Claus.
She is two-and-a-half-years-old, and she can be a real drama queen sometimes.
In daycare, the grown ups are afraid of her. Because going against her means 15 minutes of purgatory you have to burn through before you get to the good part.
This particular purgatory is her rolling around on the floor crying and screaming — but she’s more mad than anything. And should she be discomforted in any way for doing this — the grown ups caused that, too.
Those clueless big people, they don’t even know what’s right.
***
My ex lives in a big 9-room house on the top of a small mountain, on the most expensive street in Östersund actually, right by a ski slope. When you breathe that fresh mountain air it feels like you’re in the Alps or something.
She inherited that house. If I had married her, which she wanted, I would have had half. Hell no, I’d rather be a broke fuck and share my flat with the sewage of humanity.
***
When I was on this three day “mini-vacation”, I imagined the garbage bag growing, and growing, and growing.
It started smelling at around Thursday. By Friday morning it was noticeable when you stepped into the kitchen.
By Friday afternoon, when I took the bus to my ex, it was bad.
I would sit on that bus and feel real good about myself. In my mind, the speed bumps went from my worst nemesis to small, wonderful, exhilarating bumps of pleasure.
Life was giving me a cocaine-fueled Swedish massage, and I was banking on that happy ending.
I had created a pressure chamber, my friends, and something would have to give.
***
Would I find him in a fetal position on the floor, his face already decomposed in an ugly version of “The Scream”?
Or would he slay the dragon and emerge victorious with the sword in his hand?
Would the knight in shiny armour make one brash move, slay the dragon, take the princess, and ride off into the sunset on his black stallion?
Or would the steady, relentless, hard-nosed formation of a multidimensional ecosystem grow to conquer this human beast?
If I lived in Las Vegas, and I was a bookmaker, I’d make the odds 50/50.
He would have to bring his A-game for this one.
***
My only worry when I was gone, was that he wouldn’t take out the garbage and I would come home to that shit.
But turns out there is a God after all. I come home both worried and excited — like when you’re about to have sex with a stranger — and check the garbage.
It was gone.
Empty plastic bag.
I even tapped it with my hands to make sure it was real. I stood up and looked over at the door to see if he had placed it there. Nope.
I walked up to the front door, opened it, and looked outside. Not there either. He had actually taken out the garbage.
***
I’ve tried many times since then, to repeat that miracle.
I’ve gone for many “mini-vacations” when the bag was full. Always one or two days. Never three. Maybe that was the problem.
For I have not succeeded.
What’s worse, I haven’t evenbeen close. Because I haven’t even been able to make him place the garbage bag by the door. And that is about 30% of taking out the garbage.
Lifting it up, tying it together, and putting it somewhere near the door — I don’t require perfection in this area.
***
If I could be gone for three days, I think I could do it. Not some two-and-a-half-day bullshit where I come home in the middle of the night.
No, I need three full Earth rotations with 24 damn hours in each one.
The sun needs to be coming down hard for at least 12 hours a day. Turning this place into a burning furnace of hell, fire, brimstone, and smoke.
I will cook this guy like a pale salamander until he either acts or rolls over on his back and dies.
The second I step out of that door, that garbage bag will be out-of-control and barely breathing, like an 800 pound Asian woman with sleep apnea.
If I have to donate a pinky to the weather Gods, so be it. This is NAVY seal training for losers, I’ll accept a dead body. Fuck carrots, I’m about the stick.
If I do ALL THAT and it doesn’t push him over the edge, I’ll get some sleeping pills, a garbage bag, and cube his ass to heaven.
Tom Cruise, here he comes.
Chapter 17: The Last Garbage Bag
If there is a God, then he looks like Tom Cruise and greets you when you fail the entrance exam to heaven, and land in hell. Where they train you in Scientology, E-meters, Spirits, and how to join the Sea Org.
Closet Buddhist?
Keep that shit you yourself.
This is hell, and dissenters will burn.
In Sweden, there is something called “flyttstädning”. That final cleanup you do when you move AWAY from somewhere? That’s flyttstädning.
We take obligations seriously in Sweden. Lots of things are riding on them; relationships, your career, your reputation, your self-worth.
If you don’t do a good job in your flyttstädning, then, you will not get a good reference for future residence applications. And without good references, good luck getting a place to live. I’m not ACTUALLY granting you luck, I’m telling you you’re fucked.
***
I had removed all my stuff, the only thing left was some toilet paper and my flyttstädning.
My blood sugar was low, and I had all kinds of vitamin and mineral deficiencies weighing me down. I didn’t feel like I had climbed Mount Everest, not necessarily, but like Mount Everest had climbed up on my back.
My phone beeps and I get this message (I ran it through Google Translate for I can’t stomach translating it myself):
Here it comes:
Wipe all surfaces like boards, shelves, windowsills and the edge of the woods down the floor, lights etc
Wet wax (hot water with a little soap, stronger in it is oily or dirty) with wipe cloth and / or sponge on the benches, in the kitchen also cabinets and fridge o freezer door, wash clean shelves you used in the fridge, wash clean the stove.
All kitchen utensils (except the frying pan) allow you to run the Indian food kettle to make it clean.
Vacuum the floors. Wash clean floors with mop with warm water and soap.
Scrub clean toilet, sink and mirror in the toilet. Do not forget to clean the toilet.
Empty garbage and recycling.
That’s probably all.
I scroll up and find another text message, sent right before that one:
It will be fine. I’ll also send a small list of what to clean in the rooms we agreed to, so that there is no misunderstanding.
That hyena-whore sure knows how to phrase things. “So that there is no misunderstanding”? Man, could she be any more annoying?
I came down to my knees, and scrubbed my room, the kitchen, and my bathroom until dirt became a conspiracy theory.
It was dirty as shit when I moved in.
It was clean as fuck when I moved out.
SO THAT THERE IS NO MISUNDERSTANDING.
That sentence won’t stop making laps in my mind. Am I NASCAR? What the fuck is going on?
I felt like Cinderella, scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush, daydreaming, wishing I was somewhere else.
So that there is no misunderstanding.
Only a primetime badass fucktard of a hyena-bitch could even write that, you know? I think we both know exactly what kind of sentence that is.
I remember being so exhausted, because I had moved all my stuff the same day. I thought about going back to the house, get some rest, and come back later that night to do it. But I stuck to my guns and kept working.
Do you know what my roommate did while I was cleaning?
Nothing.
And when I used the vacuum cleaner, it bothered him so much, that his dad came and picked him up.
As he was leaving, he jammed one of those pizza boxes down the already overfull garbage bag, and something inside me SNAPPED. I knew that was the last plastic bag of the right size.
“You know, when the pizza box is inside it like that, there is no way to close it. It can’t be closed.”
“Eh?” he looked up at me like a retarded monkey.
“You can’t close it with that inside it.”
He eyed the garbage bag like it was a rubik’s cube with seven dimensions.
I still remember the cognitive dissonance in his eyes and the lack of focus and intent in his body language.
It wasn’t that he was working on a problem he couldn’t solve. It was that he was debating whether the problem actually existed. He was trying to justify it, trying to negate it, and weighing the pros and cons in a very slow and inefficient matter.
Overfull garbage bag.
Right in front of him.
He was looking at it.
Jesus Christ, I thought, how long would it take for this guy to solve Pythagoras theorem? Infinity?
His father was waiting outside, and had been for a couple minutes, but he didn’t honk the horn or anything. I guess he knew his son was a sloth.
Since I don’t have a picture of that garbage bag, let me explain. You know when you buy groceries, but get one plastic bag too few? And you have to fit all those groceries in a single super heavy plastic bag? It was like that, but on steroids.
If the bodybuilder Ronnie Coleman jumped 100 times on each individual item inside that garbage bag, it still wouldn’t fit. It’s too much. There is too much space between the atoms.
***
This garbage bag was FULL.
Have you ever seen a guy that was so fat he defies the laws of physics?
Like, for two strange weeks of my life I watched the TV-show My 600-lb Life on my computer. About two episodes a day, one hour each.
You’re so fat you can’t walk? Standard.
You’re so fat you can’t go to the bathroom, even if you magically appeared on the bathroom stall with your pants drawn down? Sure, I get it.
You won’t get anything but sympathy from me, I’ve seen it all. Most of the people on this show were way above 600 pounds. 600 pounds was the MINIMUM REQUIREMENT for even applying to be on the show.
I remember one woman being so fat she couldn’t stand. Even with one of those walkers old people have? Even with her husband (normal weight) using every muscle on his reasonably thick arms to push her up? Nope. Can’t do it.
The doctors gave her some homework. Sit up in the bed, once a day. Sit up. Just once. Then rest for 24 hours. Then do it again.
It was just that… to do it AGAIN you have to do it a first time.
This woman wanted to have her cake and eat it. And this particular reincarnation of cake? She ate it lying down.
Workout: 0.
Woman: 1.
And then when the TV-show paid for the surgery to remove all the lumps of fat the size of watermelons on her stomach? She had sex with her husband THE VERY next day and ripped all the stitches open.
They only found out once the wounds started producing this white pus the colour and texture of whipped cream.
It didn’t smell like whipped cream. How do I know that? Some things, you just know. This is one of those things.
She went in for emergency surgery, and they took care of it. As I understand it, they had to clean the wounds out, and redo all the stitches.
The fire department had to bring her to the hospital, then home again. And when she came home, they thought she was pregnant. Not the fire department, but the couple themselves.
***
This other guy, who was half white and half mexican, was so fat he gave his father a stroke. His right leg got so out of control big, that parts of it started rotting, and there was mold on it and stuff. It had all the colours of the rainbow, but not in a good way. You don’t want all those colours inside a fat fold on your calf.
He father came in to check on him. He removed the white sheet that covered it all, and saw it. The next second he had to sit down on the couch, and he started vomiting. But he didn’t feel better. So they took him to the hospital, where they scanned his brain, and saw that he had a stroke.
This garbage bag was so full, that it brought that image out of the deeper structures of my brain. Frankly, I had suppressed it because it grossed the shit of out me.
Imagine being so fat you give YOUR FATHER a stroke?
Fat: 1.
Father: 0.
***
Anti-pity was crouching down in front of this overfull garbage bag, looking straight at it with absolutely zero distraction, and he still wasn’t getting it.
That’s when it hit me.
He never took out the garbage bag.
That time I went away and I made him take out the garbage bag? His father must have done it.
I used my nice voice, though it was severely strained:
“You have to, you know, remove the pizza box, but even then, you probably won’t be able to close it.”
“No?”
“No.”
Did you never take out a garbage bag in you entire pointless life? I thought to myself.
I wish he said something that made me realize he was joking. He was playing a charade, pretending to be someone else, just kidding around. But he was using 100% of his brain power right now.
I looked outside.
Father still there.
Sitting in that wine-red little car. Engine on. Gas coming out of the pipe.
If you dump a bunch of cum in a whore and produce a sloth, that’s what you get. You get to wait in a car outside an apartment for your son who is trying to take out the trash.
***
He might have been TRYING to take out that trash, but there was no room for failure. He wasn’t leaving without that garbage bag. I wouldn’t let him. No way.
Another five seconds passed and they felt like an eternity.
He removed the pizza box and tried closing it. Didn’t work. Wasn’t even close. The fact that he even tried, made me dislike him more. He had a map of reality, and that map was wrong. He was confronted with raw reality and had to adjust.
He was now facing a problem.
In order to tie that garbage bad together, he would have to remove quite a bit of stuff from it. Quite a bit. But I knew, that he didn’t know, how much he would have to remove in order to tie it. Retarded sloths aren’t masters at mental arithmetic.
He looked at it one last time.
He put the pizza box in his left armpit, squeezing it between his arm and his ribs.
He grabbed each “handle” of the plastic bag with a separate hand, and used his right elbow, his free elbow, to open the front door (didn’t close it).
He walked down the stairs and up to the car. His father leaned over from the driver’s seat and popped the handle, opening the door from the inside.
Anti-pity did this motion where he half sat in the air, and tipped over sideways into the car like a statue. Once inside the car, he dropped the pizza box with his left elbow, and used his newly freed arm to adjust his seating.
He was now sitting in the car like a normal person with an overfull untied garbage bag between his legs. Was that the only bag of garbage between his legs? (Sorry! I just had to say it).
His dad accelerated the car towards the garbage station, and they arrived ten seconds later.
He would now throw that completely open garbage bag into a big green box at the garbage station and never think about it again.
It was written by this “Genius Fanboy”, as I like to call him! It was probably the single most impressive guide I have ever read.
Not kidding.
You can read my other text about Lords of Magichere.
About how this one game ALMOST displaced the Heroes of Might & Magic Franchise.
Yep. Almost.
Anyway.
Moving on!
Finding Ability Draft
I played unranked Dota 2 for many years, as most players do. I currently have 3500+ Hours (!) on record. Here is a link to my Steam Profile.
After taking a break from the game, I came back, and discovered “Ability Draft”. What an unusual, weird, and “crazy” game mode!
In total, I might have played a couple hundredAbility Draft Games. It was very fun to experiment with different builds – no game WAS EVER the same!
I also noticed that there was a lot less FLAMING in Ability Draft games. People play these games for fun. They do not take it so seriously.
That’s a good thing!
Average Player
I cannot say that I was especially good at Ability Draft, I never went online – and read guides and such. My win rate was probably 50-55%, or in that range.
But if you want to get good at this specific game mode, you probably SHOULD read a guide – or two!
Are you aware that Weaver’s “Germinate Attack” STACKS FULLY with Echo Sabre for melee heroes? For 3 Instant Attacks?
This is a VERY powerful combination. But you will not draft it, unless you know that it works. There are many other interactions like this.
When you are inside the game drafting these skills, there is no way to know if these abilities stack or not. There isn’t a lot of information about it – inside the game.
The “Tooltips” were made for regular Dota 2, not “Ability Draft”. As far as they are concerned, “Ability Draft” is a fun side experiment.
But this guide should contain the most important interactions between spells and items.
Resources
Here are some resources:
Here isDota 2 Fandom’s Ability Draft Page (very high quality).
It was posted by a user called “TheGreatGimmick” four months ago (as of this writing moment). On his profile you can see that he has been very active on Reddit.
This guide is all his words.
Whenever I add information, I will write:
PERSONAL COMMENT START
“my comment”
PERSONAL COMMENT END
To make sure that you know WHO’S TALKING!
Alright.
Let’s get to the guide!
General Drafting Tips
Your hero’s base stats heavily affect the viability of many builds. Additionally, Talents should be considered when drafting abilities, although they are usually far from the most important factor.
Stats can be found here, while Talents can be found here. You can also just hover over your hero in the drafting screen.
Carefully consider the pick order when choosing which abilities to draft. The earlier you pick, the more likely you are to get an overpowered stand-alone ability, while picking later raises the chances that you can complete a combination of abilities.
If you see an overpowered combo in the draft, but are first-pick, tell your team what you see but pick one of the powerful stand-alone abilities instead, because it is unlikely the second half of the combo will make it all the way back to you.
Some heroes are also far more likely to pick certain abilities than others (e.g., Warlock and Chaotic Offering) which can also affect your assessment of whether you can get away with a combo or not.
Ruining your own build can sometimes be worth denying an enemy build. For example, Arcane Orb is generally a grief pick unless you draft Essence Flux first, but sometimes it is actually the correct play to deny-pick Orb if the enemy has Essence Flux and, say, Swashbuckle already.
The very last person in the pick order is the only hero that drafts two abilities back-to-back (in the first round of drafting), so if you pick earlier, be on the lookout for which abilities you need to pick to deny them a broken combo.
Sometimes your own team will pick abilities you needed for a combo. Communicate in the chat, but do not assume everyone will play along.
Try to get confirmation from your team that they understand not to draft the ability you want. If you are met with negatives or even just silence, assume they may draft your desired ability.
PERSONAL COMMENT START
In Ability Draft, the first person has first pick, and can get the best skill.
But the last person in the team, will be able to pick two skills, one after the other.
This allows them to pick two skills that work well together.
This is how skill drafting in Ability Draft works.
There is an advantage to being FIRST, but there is an advantage to being LAST – also!
Whenever there are powerful standout abilities that EVERYBODY wants, then, you want to be first.
But whenever there is a powerful combination of abilities – you want to be last.
PERSONAL COMMENT END
Gameplay Differences
Ability Draft often lags behind the main game in terms of patch updates. For a while after a patch, new ability changes may or may not have taken effect, and entirely new abilities (e.g., from Aghanim’s Shard changes) are often missing entirely.
Conversely, removed parts of the game may still linger in Ability Draft. They’ve gotten better about updating AD, but this is still something to keep in mind for weeks or months after a major patch.
If your hero’s normal Talent option(s) pertain to an ability that you did not draft, you are offered Gold instead. I know free Gold is tempting, but if you have the option, it is almost always better to take a Talent that actually does something over the free Gold.
You must be flexible in your item builds, because you are essentially playing an entirely new hero each game of Ability Draft.
Ask yourself what your abilities need to succeed, then build that, no matter how silly such an item build might seem out of context. Sometimes item builds that are ill-advised in the regular game work exceedingly well in Ability Draft.
A corollary to the above point is that supports in Ability Draft tend to be greedier than in the regular game.
Sometimes this is even justifiable; if their build achieves perma-stun with an Octarine, is it really better to get traditional items like Glimmer Cape instead? Well, yes, it probably still is, but the argument is there at least.
The mid lane usually hosts one of three kinds of builds:
The build that is completely useless before 6 but comes online once they can use their ultimate (e.g., Ancient Seal + Decrepify + Ice Vortex + Finger of Death)
The build that completely dominates a 1v1 (the most ‘vanilla’ style of mid-laner, amplified further by custom builds)
Or Simply the strongest build on your team (the broken combo)
The point is, you may sometimes see a player who should have been a clear safelane carry or durable offlaner go mid instead, and that may not be a bad thing, simply because if they have a very powerful build they just need to outlevel everyone else and roll over them.
In summary, often you will see builds that do not fit the archetype for a traditional midlaner nonetheless going mid in Ability Draft. Whoever needs levels the most generally goes.
The strength of various builds on a team often makes Ability Draft a more polarized game in terms of target priorities.
Identify whether there is someone on the enemy team that is worth losing 3+ of your own heroes to take out, and if so, do that.
This is occasionally the case in the regular game as well (e.g., going all-in on the enemy carry), but it happens more often in Ability Draft.
Special Cases & Tips
Unique sources of Bash that do not normally stack will fully stack in Ability Draft.
Geminate Attack stacks with Echo Sabre, resulting in 3 attacks at once for melee heroes.
Melee heroes can attack with the full attack range of attack modifiers (e.g. Frost Arrows) only if they have a source of True Strike. Otherwise the attacks will miss if distance exceeds 350 units.
Ranged heroes can always use the full distance, but may suffer the reverse problem: Short-ranged modifiers (e.g., Infernal Blade) should not be manually cast, since you must autocast them to use your base hero’s range.
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In order to use Doom’s Infernal Blade on RANGED HEROES – you must have it on “autocast”.
Otherwise it will require you to go to melee range – and apply it. It is a very powerful spell for a ranged hero, since it was made for a melee hero.
Lots of damage and a guaranteed stun every 4th second. Who wants to lane against THAT? =)
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For most effects that refresh cooldowns (e.g., Rearm, Blur’s Aghanim’s Scepter upgrade, etc.), charge-based abilities will only receive 1 charge back, not be fully replenished like Refresher Orb.
Dismember cannot be used while you have eaten someone with its Aghanim’s Shard effect.
Several abilities have been altered to work in Ability Draft, but the most drastic of these changes is Poof, which can now target any allied unit within 2000 range. Although I still would not recommend picking Poof, it is not as useless as one might think.
Only Meepo can be globally targeted by an allied Poof from anywhere on the map and have them appear at his location.
Only Monkey King can become trees with Mischief (which is tied to the Wukong’s Command ability). Other heroes can still turn into other things.
Bane can freely damage targets under the effects of Nightmare, even if he does not have Nightmare.
Faceless Void can move inside anyone’s Chronosphere.
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When you play against Void, and cast Chronosphere, it has no effect whatsoever. The opposing team is often hesitant to draft Chronosphere – for this reason.
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At one time, Batrider used to gain unobstructed vision whenever he had free pathing, which was easy to abuse with abilities like Spin Webs and Arctic Burn.
However, I am not sure if this is the case any longer now that, in the vanilla game, Firefly was changed to be ground vision.
You can also find a helpful list of the current bugs here. Some of them are gamebreaking!
Dependent Abilities
Most interdependent interactions are now included in the tooltips provided by Ability Draft, so this section is less necessary than in ye olden days.
Key Interactions
I’m including some key interactions here for completion’s sake, however.
Any time another ability is directly referenced in the description of an ability or its upgrade (e.g., Scepter, Shard, or Talent), that effect requires both abilities to function.
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This is actually a VERY IMPORTANT TIP.
Because there are a lot of abilities in Dota 2 – which trigger other abilities, in some way!
Crystal Maiden’s ultimate “Freezing Field” will trigger “Frostbite” on any enemy inside it for 3.5 seconds. If you have the scepter upgrade.
But you NEED both the ultimate “Freezing Field” – and “Frostbite” for it to work. The scepter upgrade for “Freezing Field” – is VERY STRONG.
It:
Gives enemies “Frostbite” (any number of them)
Increases damage by 20%
Allows you to move around, attack, cast spells, during the ultimate
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The prime example of this is Eclipse requiring Lucent Beam. Don’t be that guy. Another notable example is Bristleback needing Quill Spray to fully function.
Geomagnetic Grip, unlike Rolling Boulder or Boulder Smash, is entirely dependent on Stone Remnants (and thus Magnetize) to do anything.
Arcane Orb needs Essence Flux to be fully viable, though it can deal decent damage on the first use if at full mana.
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“Arcane Orb” is completely useless without “Essence Flux”. You only have mana for a couple attacks. Then it will do nothing.
Trust me on this one!
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Neither Charge of Darkness nor Nether Strike will inflict their Greater Bash components if the caster does not have Greater Bash.
Natural Order does not lower Magic Resistance if Astral Spirit is not drafted.
Requiem of Souls requires souls, and thus Necromastery.
Other Interactions
Less Drastic Improvements Include:
Astral Spirit and Echo Stomp, while decent abilities on their own, are heavily interconnected in terms of how they were intended to be used.
Shuriken Toss can only bounce if Track is also on your team, though two different heroes can own the abilities!
Avalanche, Toss, and Grow are all interconnected.
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Tiny’s Grow increases the damage of Toss by 300. Avalanche does DOUBLE DAMAGE to units being tossed.
Any skill that requires another ability to fully function is bad in ability draft. Unless you can draft BOTH of them.
Avalanche, Toss, and Grow are connected. But these abilities are good enough to be picked by themselves, sometimes.
“Avalanche” is good for farming, and in ganks.
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Familiars from Summon Familiars are very fragile without Gravekeeper’s Cloak.
Rolling Boulder and Boulder Smash are best used with Stone Remnants (and thus Magnetize).
Relocate can be useful on its own, but half the point of the spell is to take an ally with you, necessitating Tether.
Summon Wolves are usually underwhelming without support from both Feral Impulse and Shapeshift.
Many other abilities (Plague Wards + Poison Sting, Dragon Tail + Elder Dragon Form, Spawn Spiderlings + Spin Webs, etc.) use other abilities as part of their normal function.
Notable Talents
Multiple Talents
Luna, Dark Seer, Lone Druid, Puck, Primal Beast, Tidehunter, and Undying each have at least one Talent per Talent tier (4 or more Talents) for Lucent Beam, Ion Shell, Summon Spirit Bear, Waning Rift, Trample, Anchor Smash, or Tombstone, respectively.
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This is what he means.
These heroes all have MANY TALENTS for the SAME ABILITY:
Luna: Lucent Beam
Dark Seer: Ion Shell
Lone Druid: Summon Spirit Bear
Puck: Waning Rift
Primal Beast: Trample
Tidehunter: Anchor Smash
Undying: Tombstone
Luna has 4 Talents for “Lucent Beam”. One for each “Tier”, as in 10/15/20/25. The same applies to Dark Seer and his “Ion Shell”.
He has a talent for Ion Shell in every single talent tier. This makes that specific skill much more desirable, as all your talents will improve it significantly.
The same applies to the other heroes in the list.
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Engima’s Eidolons can be heavily improved by his Talents.
Many heroes have multiple early Talents for certain abilities (e.g., Underlord with Firestorm) that can be potent to stack up, but don’t get baited into planning for level 25, because it usually doesn’t happen.
Snapfire can transform into a devastating late game carry with her relevant Lil’ Shredder Talents if the game does end up going long enough, though level 25 is a long time to wait.
Single Talents
Ancient Apparition gains +300 Chilling Touch range at level 10, making already-strong Aghs builds even stronger.
Jakiro gains +200 attack range at level 10, making abilities like Arctic Burn, Take Aim, Elder Dragon Form, and especially Impetus more desirable.
Techies gets a casual 20% magic resistance at level 10 (Timbersaw gets this at level 20).
Crystal Maiden’s level 20 Talent grants +225 Attack Speed, which can be quite potent with certain modifiers like Scepter Chilling Touch or Bash of the Deep.
Warlock’s level 20 Golem On Death Talent makes Chaotic Offering very attractive on the hero, and he gets further Talents for his Golems at 25.
Of course, many level 25 Talents can be incredible and change how your build functions… provided the game even lasts that long.
Niche Talents
Some heroes have Talents that provide auras for the ”AFK Infest/Dismember” builds (see the below Ally-Dependent Builds section), such as:
Beastmaster’s level 15 +20 MS aura
Doom’s level 15 Devour Ancients for auras
Underlord’s level 25 Allies gain 50% Atrophy Aura
Centaur’s level 25 Retaliate Aura
Tinker’s level 20 Defense Matrix Grants 25% CDR Talent could allow some Aftershock builds to achieve permastun (see the below Aftershock section).
Skywrath Mage’s Global Concussive Shot at level 20 could be highly amusing with Rearm. Perhaps add Rocket Flare into the mix as well.
With a sufficiently tanky build (especially with Kraken Shell to dispel stuns), Terrorblade’s 10-second Sunder at level 25 would be incredibly difficult to deal with.
Tiny with Rupture combined with the level 20/25 Toss Talents (to remove the need for a target and grant more charges) could be devastating and hilarious.
Tusk and Ogre Magi both have level 25 Talents that, with enough attack speed, can result in permastun and ridiculous damage. This requires Walrus Punch / Fireblast, respectively.
Of course, many other Talents can be potent as well; be sure to know your hero’s Talents before constructing your draft.
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The first thing I look at when I get my hero is my talents.
Because those talents can improve a skill dramatically. Some hero builds revolve around one key skill.
If Dark Seer has Ion Shell, he can lane, he can jungle, and he can be effective in ganks.
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Ally-Dependent Builds
Later sections of this guide will go over how you can combine your own abilities together, but some builds require that the synergistic abilities be drafted on two different heroes.
Most such builds involve one hero going AFK inside of an ally, as described below.
Infest with Tether, Rot, Scepter-upgraded Spirits, Voodoo Restoration, Scepter-upgraded Heartstopper Aura, or (less potently) any AoE passive (e.g. Atrophy Aura, Warcry’s Shard upgrade, Inner Beast, etc.) – can make for an AFK build where one hero sits inside an ally all game but still contributes significantly.
This requires that the AFK hero has a viable ally ‘host’, of course.
An ally with Dismember and an Aghanim’s Shard can accomplish the same effect (however, the Tether combo does not work).
This version has the additional requirement of not only needing a viable ‘host’, but also needing a host that doesn’t require an ultimate ability (because they wasted it on Dismember to eat the afk hero).
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Pudge’s new shard enables him to “swallow” a friendly hero, who can stay there indefinitely – and contribute with auras.
This “shard” will upgrade his skill “Dismember”.
Lifestealer can use his ultimate “Infest” to jump into another hero, and stay there forever.
Pudge will ABSORB the other hero, Lifestealer will JUMP INTO the other hero.
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If using the Dismember version, the interior hero can also contribute their ult (since they don’t need Infest), opening up builds like Blood Mist (Scepter-upgraded Rupture) constantly burning enemies down, Reincarnation contributing its aura to the exterior ally, or Shard-upgraded Epicenter pulsing occasionally.
Special mention goes to Vengeance Aura with Dismember, since the Scepter illusion can re-eat your hidden ally once your actual hero dies.
Bulwark’s Scepter upgrade still works in this situation despite being disabled by stuns/disarms normally.
When using the Dismember version, Glimmer Cape can be used on the host by the interior (”afk”) hero without emerging from the host.
If the ally that is being Infested or eating their teammate with Dismember is:
Durable
Reasonably mobile
–covers whatever weakness the hidden ally does not. You need damage for the Tether build, but not for the Rot build – since Rot deals so much damage anyway.
These can be some of the most potent builds in Ability Draft – due to the combined chimera essentially functioning as two heroes in one.
The Rot builds are very strong, Heartstopper with Infest is broken, and Tether with Infest is one of the most broken possible builds in the mode, easily turning into 800+ heal per second.
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I do not understand how the host can achieve 800 heal per second with this build. Okay. I looked it up.
It is because “Infest” gives the casting hero a 5% max health heal per second (10% with scepter!).
“Tether” transfers that heal to the host – but amplifies it with 20%. With those skills alone, with scepter, the host would be healed by 12% of their MAX HEALTH per second.
This is insane!
He was right. I was wrong! =)
You also have regeneration from other skills, natural regeneration, and from items. For both the “AFK Hero” sitting inside the host, and the Host itself.
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If going for this type of combo, one ally should draft to be a durable meat shield (Flesh Heap, Dispersion, etc.) that would be useless on their own, while the other goes for their ‘hidden ally’ combo (to buff the meat shield vessel).
Other ally-dependent builds are also possible, such as one hero having an extremely mobile Flaming Lasso build (Icarus Dive, Scepter-upgraded Pounce, etc.) and really wishing they could have also drafted Rupture. If an ally has Rupture… that’s -1 enemy hero.
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The hero with “Rupture” casts it on the enemy hero from a distance.
The mobile hero with “Lasso” darts in and catches the enemy hero, and drag him around until he dies. It won’t take long, because “Rupture” does PURE DAMAGE.
In Dota 2, “Pure Damage” cannot be negated by damage block, armor, or magic resistance.
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Common Build Archetypes
Often, it can be beneficial to simply get several of the same type of ability, maximizing one strength.
Here is a list of common variants of this kind of build:
Always Useful
All-stun builds are never bad. However, they can often lack in their own damage. This is not necessarily a problem, since if the enemy can’t move, your allies should be able to kill them.
The more AoE stuns, the better. Example: Hoof Stomp + Slithereen Crush + Echo Stomp + Reverse Polarity.
Aghanim’s Scepter / Shard Abilities: It is almost never a bad idea to just cram your build full of as many Aghanim’s Scepter or Aghanim’s Shard – upgraded abilities as possible.
Note that despite this being in the ”Always Useful” section, it is still technically possible to make a bad build, just unlikely.
You can view all available Scepter/Shard abilities in the current draft by pressing CTRL+ALT. Example: Resonant Pulse + Laser + Gush + Shapeshift.
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You can draft several abilities which have a SHARD or SCEPTER upgrade. You can then upgrade ALL of them by buying one SCEPTER or one SHARD.
This is a very powerful build, and a common strategy in Ability Draft. It is also a common strategy in the custom game Custom Hero Chaos – that I play a lot.
All-nuke builds are hard to do wrong. If used correctly one can often win fights by deleting a key enemy early on. Example: Lightning Bolt + Brain Sap + Soul Assumption + Laguna Blade.
All-right-click builds are often difficult to implement due to lacking control, mobility, or defense. However, with proper support (or poor opponents), they can be devastating. Example: Searing Arrows + Metamorphosis + Gunslinger + Grow.
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Beginner’s often go “Carry Builds” in Ability Draft, or so-called physical damage dealers. But this build requires certain hero’s with good stats (high armor, high movement speed, high attack speed), certain skills, and a lot of money to function.
Ability Draft, games are usually over before builds like this come online. “Spellcaster Builds” are much more viable.
You will not have hardcore supports in Ability Draft, so keep that in mind. The roles are not clearly defined, since each hero has skills from many different heroes.
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All-long-cast-range builds, or ”Artillery” builds as I like to call them, are some of the most fun one can have in Ability Draft barring an OP combo.
Just hang back and fire away!
However, without good aim for the skillshots, these can obviously become underwhelming. Example: Powershot + Heat-Seeking Missiles + Sacred Arrow + Assassinate.
Sometimes Useful
Pure defensive builds can work, don’t get me wrong. However, they are often a burden to their team. The wielder must have a way to punish the enemy for ignoring them, because otherwise, the enemy will, of course, ignore them.
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Defensive builds do give vision, and can waste the attention and time of the enemy team.
Remember, this is a CASUAL game! A build like this can create openings for your teammates.
But it is best if you have at least one damaging spell. Preferably low cooldown, or constant damage (Ion Shell, Rot, Thirst + Scepter, Pulse Nova).
It is very hard to farm without a skill that does damage. If possible, you want to have at least one skill which enables you to farm.
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This may be as simple as a good Radiance timing, or be more direct like having sustain for their allies. Example: Nature’s Attendants + Dispersion + Counterspell + Reincarnation
Pure mobility builds are usually a great way to end the game with triple 0s in your KDA, and that’s not a good thing. If you have an abundance of mobility, be sure to also have a low-cooldown disable or damage option to complement it. Example: Slithreen Crush, Time Walk, Blink (QoP), Fire Remnant.
All-summon builds are usually just food for the enemy. Have a clear gameplan (and preferably a coordinated stack for a team) before trying this. Example: Demonic Conversion + Nature’s Call + Summon Wolves + Chaotic Offering.
Aftershock Builds
Permastun
Abilities that result in permastun until the caster runs out of mana:
Ball Lightning
Rearm (level 3)
This list used to be much longer before the 7.33 stun reduction nerfs 😦
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If I was managing this game, I would give any ability with a cooldown of 10 seconds or less, half the stun time and damage for triggering Aftershock.
Permanently stunning with Aftershock is a really annoying thing – which ruins the game for everyone! This would “nerf” low cooldown abilities, without making them completely useless.
You could even create two “Tiers”.
TIER 1: Spells with a 1-5 second cooldown got Aftershock damage and stun reduced by 50%.
TIER 2: Spells with a 6-10 second cooldown got Aftershock damage and stun reduced by 25%.
This “nerf” would be sufficient. The spells themselves would do FULL DAMAGE, it is the Aftershock Effect we are nerfing.
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Almost Permastun
Abilities that are almost permastun but don’t quite get there even with Octarine:
Arc Lightning
Arcane Bolt
Viscous Nasal Goo
Purifying Flames is part of this group with Oracle’s relevant Talent.
Abilities that can be used for many stuns:
Any ability with a cooldown less than or equal to about 5 or 6 (there are several) are great for frequent stun output. e.g., Counterspell, Static Remnant, Quill Spray.
Charge-based abilities (e.g., Soul Siphon, Spin Webs, Shrapnel, Fire Remnant, etc.) allow for a burst of multiple stuns, but take a long time to recharge fully.
Some abilities that involve multiple casts (e.g., X-Marks-the-Spot) get multiple uses out of Aftershock. In general, anything that gives a Magic Stick charge will also trigger Aftershock.
Setup
Abilities that make good use of Aftershock for setup:
Kinetic Field, Light Strike Array, Torrent, and other delayed skills appreciate Aftershock holding foes in place for them to land.
Mystic Flare or (less potently) any other AoE-based damage over time skill makes great use of foes being stunned for the first second or so of their duration. One of the better combos in the mode is Aftershock + Ancient Seal + Mystic Flare for incredible early-to-mid-game damage (before the Pipes start coming out).
Sharpshooter allows other skills to be cast and appreciates the setup for its long charging period, not to mention that point-blank shots while they are permastunned by your combo are hilarious.
Proximity Mines are both charge-based and need time to arm, making them almost ideal for Aftershock and one of the most powerful combos in Ability Draft.
Attack Modifier Builds
Many abilities can make use of attack modifiers to great effect.
Here we are talking about things like:
Poison Attack
Mana Break
Frost Arrows
Curse of Avernus
Searing Arrows
–and so on.
Some abilities that interact with attack modifiers include:
Tricks of the Trade
Starbreaker
Wukong’s Command (terms and conditions apply)
Swashbuckle
Anchor Smash
Stifling Dagger
Phase Shift’s Aghanim’s Shard upgrade
Split Shot when upgraded by Medusa’s Level 25 Talent
Assassinate
That list is not comprehensive, it is just meant to get you thinking about potential applications.
Note that when multiple attacks are done ‘at once’ (e.g., Anchor Smash, God’s Rebuke, etc.) only one target gets the effects of a single-use attack modifier like Enchant Totem or Bash of the Deep.
First-Pick Abilities
These abilities are so good that they are usually worth picking up first, before trying to get a combo / synergy.
Some of these are mainly first-pick because you probably don’t want the enemy to have them, while others are good regardless of your base hero or the current ability pool.
This list is in alphabetical order, not order of priority.
Mandatory First-Picks
First-picks that are often essentially ‘mandatory’ include:
Arctic Burn (OP range, slow, and scaling damage)
Bash of the Deep (great on ranged, good even on melee, often a deny-pick vs a scary enemy)
Chemical Rage (now includes Greevil’s Greed, making it OP)
Glaives of Wisdom (even if you aren’t an INT hero, someone on the enemy team probably is)
Heartstopper Aura (very high winrate)
Reincarnation (second-highest winrate)
Shadow Realm (arguably the top priority in most drafts despite mediocre winrate)
Shukuchi (invisibility and high mobility)
Unleash (depending on the enemy heroes you may be required to deny-pick this)
Strong First-Picks
Strong first-picks that nonetheless usually aren’t really ‘mandatory’ include:
Arc Lightning (very strong Shard)
Atrophy Aura (DAMAGE… and damage mitigation too, I guess)
Either variation of Blink (Never a bad option for any build)
Borrowed Time (poor man’s Reincarnation)
Burrowstrike (solid AoE stun and mobility in one)
Cloak and Dagger (most people don’t like buying a lot of detection in a fun mode like AD)
Dispersion (very high winrate, preferably on tanky hero)
Fury Swipes (very strong on ranged heroes or with certain abilities)
Storm Hammer (just a solid stun with an Aghs upgrade option)
Thirst (personally I think Thirst doesn’t stand up to the rest of this list, but statistics disagree)
Time Walk (powerful heal and mobility, and the Shard opens many combo options)
Vengeance Aura (the Aghs is OP with many abilities)
You can check out this site for a list of the highest-winrate abilities, though be warned that you’ll be flamed if you pass up, say, Shadow Realm in favor of Corrosive Skin just because it has a higher winrate!
Stats can be helpful but shouldn’t be your sole consideration.
Combos
A ‘combo’ is when both abilities need to be on the same hero to work, as opposed to a ‘synergy’ where the skills just need to be used in tandem regardless of who casts them.
Several combos have already been discussed and are thus not included. Also, note that combos which already existed in the main game (e.g., Ball Lightning + Overload, Counter Helix + Berserker’s Call, etc.) are similarly not included.
Vengeance Aura’s Aghanim’s Scepter upgrade allows one to cast spells twice: Once while alive, then again after death as the illusion.
This is extremely potent with fire-and-forget abilities independent of the main hero like Tombstone, Chaotic Offering, or Serpent Wards.
It can also be extremely strong with other spells as well if the illusion can survive long enough to cast them optimally. Note that it ”refreshes” the full charges of charge-based abilities like Aghs Demonic Purge.
Nightmare is essentially just a 6.5 second stun if no other sources of damage (e.g., an ally Radiance) interfere. This can allow many lengthy combos to land and run their course (e.g., Macropyre, Mystic Flare), or just for your simple right-click build to freely damage the victim.
Any of the following combined with one or more of each other results in ridiculous attack range: Elder Dragon Form, Take Aim, Arctic Burn, Psi Blades, Chilling Touch.
Any Illusion-creating spell with any passives that transfer to Illusions can be potent. Powerful options include Split Shot, Mana Break, and Counter Helix with spells like Mirror Image.
Bristleback + Bulwark makes for the ultimate defense, but be sure to have a way for that to matter (pure defense often doesn’t do much on its own).
Berserker’s Call with Stone Gaze forces foes to be turned to stone. This also works with any disable that disallows turning, but is most potent with Berserker’s Call because Berserker’s Call forces foes to look at the caster, making the execution much easier.
Enchant Totem, God’s Strength, or Tidebringer with Mortal Strike, God’s Rebuke, Boundless Strike, or (less reliably) any other critical strike ability deals insane damage.
Note that Enchant Totem, God’s Strength, and Tidebringer stack with each other as well; e.g., the most optimal build is likely Enchant Totem, Tidebringer, Mortal Strike, and God’s Strength.
Walrus Punch is an ultimate ability and thus cannot stack with God’s Strength, but is otherwise arguably the best critical strike ability for Enchant Totem and Tidebringer.
Coup De Grace’s buff can reliably land a massive critical hit along with Enchant Totem or Tidebringer. Enchant Totem works especially well with Stifling Dagger in this case.
Enchant Totem and Jinada can be potent combined with any single-target spell due to Khanda. Add in Aghs Fiend’s Grip (which casts three separate Khandas on the victim) for absurd burst damage.
Focus Fire with Shadow Realm, Time Lock, Bash of the Deep, Greater Bash, Fury Swipes, Poison Attack, Chilling Touch, or basically any attack modifier results in the victim nearly always succumbing to the modifier’s effects.
Omnislash or Unleash with the aforementioned Focus Fire abilities can also be very potent, albeit less reliably (omnislash) and on a longer cooldown (both).
Geminate Attack (especially on a melee hero with an Echo Sabre) or Gunslinger can have a similar but more tame effect with the aforementioned Focus Fire modifiers. These have the advantage of not relying on a cooldown, however, situationally performing better than their ultimate-ability counterparts!
Impetus with any range-boosting ability deals massive damage, even if the range boost is temporary (e.g., Penitence, Scurry, etc.).
Impetus with any long-range forced-attack abilities (e.g., Boundless Strike, Acorn Shot, Stifling Dagger) also deals massive damage. Assassinate is especially funny with this.
Swashbuckle with Impetus or Arcane Orb is extremely strong, though the latter also requires Essence Flux. Currently Walrus Punch is still bugged to trigger on each and every Swashbuckle hit (please correct me if that has been fixed).
Attack Modifiers like Infernal Blade or Walrus Punch are especially potent with long-range attack abilities like Acorn Shot or Stifling Dagger.
Cloak and Dagger with any channeled or sustained ability (e.g., Shackles, Battery Assault, Rot) allows the user to stay invisible for the duration of the latter spells. Other forms of invisibility also work with this, but are harder to execute.
Rearm with Nether Ward, Tombstone, Living Armor, Shallow Grave, Sacred Arrow, Split Earth, or Rocket Flare are all very potent for different reasons.
Rearm makes the Aghanim’s Scepter upgrades for Torrent, Metamorphosis, and Sun Strike completely broken.
Rearm with Nature’s Call, Demonic Conversion, Enchant, or other summoning spells can make a huge army, but be careful not to feed them.
Sticky Napalm with abilities like Ion Shell, Rot, Shackles, Torrent, Rocket Barrage, or Dark Pact deals a lot of damage since these abilities deal many instances of damage individually, proc-ing Napalm damage each time.
Thirst with any ability that grants percentage-based movement speed gets very, very fast.
Rolling Thunder with most movement skills (Blink, Time Walk, etc.) can ‘come back for seconds’, so to speak: Roll through someone, then teleport back and roll through again. Sleight of Fists can do this for multiple enemies at once!
Tether with Chemical Rage, Shadow Dance, or Burrow (Scepter upgrade for Vendetta) could grant considerable healing to the Tethered target.
Blast Off combined with Reincarnation, Berserker’s Blood, or Sunder could use the health cost to its advantage.
Omnislash allows one to cast spells during the duration, so short-ranged spells go well with it (e.g., Hoof Stomp, Double Edge).
Snowball allows one to cast spells in the prep period, opening up a wide variety of options. For example, using Teleport to escape while invulnerable.
Rage, Blade Fury, or Repel with any channeled (e.g., Black Hole, Freezing Field, Fiend’s Grip) ability grants one protection from interruptions.
Sunder with any invisibility or long-range mobility allows one to intentionally reach low health, sneak up on a foe, Sunder them down to 25% of their health, then finish them off in some way, usually a nuke or Dagon.
Supernova with any long-cooldown ability can be potent due to the refreshed cooldowns. Tombstone is the prime example that comes to mind.
Icarus Dive with any channeling abilities like Death Ward, Dismember, or Black Hole allows one to dive in, begin channeling, but be taken back out by the back-swing of the dive while still channeling. This can also be used for drive-by uses of other spells, but is funniest with channeling spells.
Flaming Lasso with any mobility spell that does not use teleportation (Leap, Pounce, Blast Off, Boundless Strike with Shard, etc.) will take the Lasso target along for the ride.
Special mention goes to Icarus Dive, allowing one to dive in, grab someone, and drag them back out. Reverse Time Walk is the most insane with this combo, as you can Time Walk forward, Blink Dagger even further forward, then Reverse all the way back with your kidnapping victim.
Duel or Culling Blade with Thirst, Charge of Darkness, or Teleport allows one to easily catch up to low-health foes.
Teleport with X-Marks-the-Spot or Time Lapse allows one to teleport in, take an action, then send themselves back. Combined with a nuke, stun, or summoning spell, this can be extremely annoying to the enemy.
Primal Split with Rot gives your current Brewling (begins as the Earth Brewling) your Rot aura. This also works with Bulwark’s Scepter upgrade.
Infest your own Summon Spirit Bear for shenanigans.
Aghanim’s Scepter upgraded Infest can be surprisingly potent with certain attack modifiers like Arcane Orb or Chilling Touch.
Trample with abilities that grant mobility without teleporting (e.g. Skewer, Surge, Windrun, Time Walk, Shard-upgraded Boundless Strike, etc.) can proc its effect many, many times in rapid succession.
Freezing Field highly benefits from any mobility spell when upgraded by an Aghanim’s Scepter, with the most notable example being Shukuchi.
Bulwark’s Scepter with any source of cleave (e.g. Tree Grab, Greater Cleave) or potent attack modifiers (e.g. Caustic Finale, Curse of Avernus) can apply their effects to many enemies at once.
Haunt (Shadow Step’s Scepter) can also apply attack modifiers to the entire enemy team, with the most notable being Curse Of Avernus (like a Global Silence on a 4-attack delay).
Essence Flux with Mana Shield makes for an extremely tanky hero, provided you have something to spam like Arcane Orb.
Exorcism with abilities that hide the user (e.g., Snowball, Phase Shift, Astral Imprisonment, etc.) can stall for the ghosts to burn enemies or buildings down.
Arcane Supremacy is powerful with most targeted abilities, but is particularly funny with abilities like Pulverize, Dispose, or Walrus Kick where the cast range makes for weird displacement rules.
Poof can target your own illusions globally, which is one of its only viable uses in my opinion. Conjure Image or Mirror Image with Poof could make for an annoyingly mobile, farm-efficient build.
Lucky Shot with any rapid damage over time (e.g. Ion Shell, Rot, etc.) can trigger its effects reliably and repeatedly.
Supernova is one of the most powerful with Lucky Shot due to the massive AoE and Lucky Shot’s attack slow synergising very well to protect the Egg.
Skewer or Boulder Smash with any kind of mobility (e.g., Blink, Burrowstrike, etc.) can reposition enemies even early in the game (no items needed).
Assassinate’s attack effect can be combined with effects like Mortal Strike and Enchant Totem for extremely long-ranged and damaging shots.
PERSONAL COMMENT START
So you can use “Enchant Totem”, which guarantees a critical hit of 400%, and then use “Assassinate”, and deliver that MASSIVE critical strike.
Cool! I had no idea critical strikes worked on Snipers’ “Assassinate”.
PERSONAL COMMENT END
Dark Ascension can refresh high-impact abilities like Tombstone, Metamorphosis, Nether Ward, and Cataclysm. It is also excellent for refreshing your kit in general, especially stuns.
Heartstopper Aura’s Scepter can be combined with regenerative effects like Chemical Rage, Burrow, or especially Infest for extremely high damage.
Blade Fury scales with attack speed, so abilities that grant absurd attack speed like Lil’ Shredder, Overpower, Focus Fire, or Unleash will send its damage through the roof!
Mystic Flare’s Shard, Shield of the Scion, can grant absurd Armor and Magic Resistance (from INT) when combined with rapid damage-over-time effects like Sandstorm and Rot.
Synergies
A ‘synergy’ is when the abilities merely need to be used in tandem regardless of who casts them, as opposed to a ‘combo’ where both abilities need to be on the same hero to work.
However, most synergies do indeed work better (in terms of execution) if both abilities are on the same hero, hence their potency in Ability Draft.
Note that synergies which already existed in the main game (e.g., X-Marks-the-Spot + Torrent, Kinetic Field + Static Storm, Mana Break + Mana Void, etc.) are not included, nor are any that were already mentioned in this post.
Some synergies were already included in the ‘Combos’ section for brevity, as I was already describing their build with other abilities.
Laguna Blade or Finger of Death with Decrepify, Ancient Seal, or any other magic damage amplification deals massive damage.
Vacuum with any AoE stun can make for a one-man wombo-combo. Note that you can cast Vacuum on units affected by Song of the Siren as well.
False Promise with Shallow Grave work together extremely well for two reasons. Firstly, no matter how much damage is taken during False Promise, Shallow Grave will allow the victim to survive at the end. This alone makes the target of the caster’s protection extremely difficult to kill.
Additionally, with cooldown reduction it is possible to Shallow Grave -> False Promise – > Shallow Grave. This means that – barring Culling Blade’s interference – the targeted unit cannot die for 17, 18.5, 20 seconds (+1.5 if the caster is a level 25 Oracle with the relevant Talent).
Ghost Shroud with False Promise makes for extreme healing. The hero being targeted by False Promise must have Ghost Shroud, not the other way around.
Rupture with Meat Hook, Skewer, Toss, Spear of Mars, X-marks-the-Spot, Dead Shot, or any other forced-movement ability allows one to deal massive Rupture damage. Usually more than one of the above movement skills is needed to be effective.
Spark Wraith or Proximity Mines with Meat Hook or Skewer allows one to set up a stack of death – then force an enemy into them. Flaming Lasso and Nether Swap can also be used this way for Spark Wraiths.
Ice Blast or Doom with Purifying Flames allows one to nuke one’s victim without worrying about healing them.
Maledict with Finger of Death, Laguna Blade, or an assortment of nukes (i.e., more than one) deals massive damage over time.
Aphotic Shield with Double Edge, Blast Off, or Life Break both mitigates the self-inflicted damage of the latter spells and also pops the shield for added burst.
Earth Splitter, Ghost Ship, Unstable Concoction, Light Strike Array, Kinetic Field, Cold Feet, Torrent, or any other delayed spell benefits greatly from another disable to set it up.
Often, the spell to be set up (e.g. Ghost Ship) is cast before the aiding stun or disable (e.g., Ghost Ship into Burrowstrike, not the other way around).
Nightmare with any ability in need of setup can generally guarantee the ability lands. This applies to the examples mentioned above (e.g., Earth Splitter, Ghost Ship, etc.), but can also be used for abilities like Meat Hook, Skewer, or other hard-to-hit spells. Special mention goes to Nightmare + Static Link.
Mystic Flare with any stun or root allows its full duration to be reliably inflicted, turning a mediocre spell into a terrifying one. The same effect can be achieved with any ground-targeted damage over time spell, but Mystic Flare is the most potent.
Cloak and Dagger with any dispel (e.g., Fortune’s End, Aphotic Shield, etc.) can get rid of the Dust debuff on the caster. If the caster also has a Gem to destroy enemy Sentry Wards, the only thing that can reliably see them is an opposing Gem. Dark Pact is a ‘combo’ using this same premise, as it is required that the same hero have both abilities.
Pit of Malice with any other disable allows one to disable the victim(s) during the ‘downtime’ of the Pit of Malice root, allowing subsequent Pit of Malice root(s) to trigger.
The Scepter Upgrade for Fiend’s Gate and Pit of Malice combos extremely well with the Scepter Upgrade for Sun Strike. The former two abilities must be present on the same hero.
The Scepter upgrade for Wrath Of Nature is arguably even better for this purpose, since it has a lower cooldown and is even easier to execute if you only want to hit a couple of targets.
Sacred Arrow with Hookshot, Fortune’s End, Fissure, Homing Missile, or Nightmare (with a mobility spell to move away after casting said Nightmare) allows one to land long-ranged Arrows with ease. Sharpshooter can work similarly.
Tombstone with Decrepify or Sprout allows one to protect their Tombstone.
Proximity Mine with any disable of sufficient length makes the mines’ wind-up time irrelevant.
Requiem of Souls with any sufficiently-long disable can insta-kill anyone caught out, provided one has enough Necromastery souls. The stun must be 1.67 seconds or longer, and the caster must also have Necromastery. If the stun also provides mobility (e.g., Burrowstrike, Blast Off, Firesnap Cookie) this makes the execution much easier.
Penitence will allow a Death Ward to attack ludicrously fast. It also works well with Winter’s Curse and Chaotic Offering.
Arena of Blood is excellent with large-AoE spells like Midnight Pulse, Shrapnel, or Tombstone (place the Tombstone outside of the arena).
Savage Roar is hilarious with Arena of Blood or Dream Coil, forcing enemies to run away into even worse effects.
Song of the Siren with Tombstone allows zombies to begin stacking up while the Tombstone remains safe. Upheaval can serve a less effective but similar purpose.
Phantom’s Embrace, Proximity Mines, or Supernova with any source of disarm (e.g. Inner Fire, Decrepify, Reactive Taser) stops the enemy from attacking the phantom, mines, or egg, respectively.
Any stun that has a moderate cast range works very well with the Ability-Draft-exclusive version of Shadow Raze, which gives 3 charges of the medium-range Raze.
Closing
I am certain there are many, many interesting and powerful builds not mentioned here.
Moreover, many obvious synergies (e.g., False Promise with any healing ability) were left out due to their… well… obvious-ness.
Finally, many abilities can make for quite potent builds that were not called out here (such as Pulse Nova) due to them usually not involving any explicit combo, instead just making a build strong overall.
All in all, Ability Draft is a realm of infinite possibilities.
This guide consists of an Introduction – and 14 Parts.
They are:
Part 1: Choosing Your Lord
Part 2: Understanding Unit Statistics
Part 3: Lord Options Overview
Part 4: Units besides your Lord
Part 5: Understanding your Faith
Part 6: Difficulty Level
Part 7: Your Starting Goals & Economics
Part 8: Buildings
Part 9: Combat Essentials
Part 10: Fame and Followers
Part 11: Mastering Magic & Learning Spells
Part 12: Diplomacy & Trade
Part 13: Party Composition
Part 14: Maps & Terrain
Let’s go through them in chronological order.
INTRODUCTION: What is Lords of Magic?
LoM = Lords of Magic.
LoM is a strategy game released for PCs in 1997. It combines simplified elements from many gaming genres including:
Real-time strategy (think Warcraft)
Turn-based grand strategy (like Sid Meier’s Civilization)
Roleplaying games (Dungeons & Dragons style)
LoM can be considered representative of the 4X subgenre of strategy games:
eXplore
eXploit
eXpand
eXterminate
The player must explore a vast map of the game world, build the military and economic power of his faction by working with or against other factions, and ultimately overcome and destroy the game’s villain: the Death Lord, Balkoth.
In 1998 the ‘Special Edition’ expansion of LoM was released and added:
New buildings
New creatures
-and the more story-based ‘Legends of Urak’ single-player missions.
PART 1: Choosing Your Lord
In LoM your Lord is your most important unit; the one and only way to lose the game is to have your Lord killed.
While you may think this means you should hide your Lord away from danger you’ll be making a big sacrifice in doing so. Your Lord’s personal combat powers can exceed any normal unit and are usually essential early in a game.
The first choice you’ll make is what type of Lord you’ll play: Warrior, Thief, or Mage. This determines your Lord’s personal abilities and combat style. Warriors can survive the most hits and do a lot of damage in close combat.
Their unique ‘Rally’ ability will improve the Attack and Defense of their military units. Warriors can also give experience to your barracks building so that infantry and cavalry produced at it are more powerful.
Thieves are the only Lords with long range projectile attacks. Thieves are also the only Lords capable of entering Stealth mode, making them invisible to enemies until detected.
They also have many unique abilities related to espionage. They can Spy on other Faiths to gain detailed information about them, and they can Steal resources from them. They can Detect other Faiths’ thieves.
They can Subdue other Faiths’ leader units to take them prisoner. Finally they can Interrogate or Torture prisoners to gain information about the prisoner’s Faith.
Each Thief is limited to 3 prisoners and they must all be of the same Faith Thieves can give experience to your thieves’ guild building so the archers you make at it are more powerful.
Mages can use magic spells by using their unique stat ‘Mana Points’, which is like ammunition for spells. LoM’s many spells have a wide variety of effects: changing the stats of your units or your enemy’s, doing unavoidable damage that ignores Defense, changing the map’s terrain, and healing damage are just a small sampling of effects.
Mages can give experience to your mage tower building to make the mages created at it more powerful. Mages are the most fragile Lord’s and usually have negligible normal combat abilities.
PART 2: Unit Statistics
Before you choose your Lord it is helpful to understand in detail each of your Lord’s unit statistics and what they measure.
Hitpoints are crucial to your Lord’s survival. Whenever your Lord takes damage the amount of damage will be subtracted from your Lord’s current hitpoints. When your Lord’s hitpoints are reduced to zero he dies. The hitpoints stat shows your Lord’s current hitpoints and maximum possible hitpoints.
Attack shows the base number of damage points your Lord inflicts with each melee (close combat sword/ax/hammer strikes etc) hit he lands. Total damage varies slightly for each hit based on random chance but it will always average around the attacker’s Attack stat.
Defense is the amount of damage points subtracted from the attacker’s damage when a hit strikes your Lord. If your Lord’s Defense is equal to or greater than the damage points and incoming hit inflicts your Lord will not lose any hitpoints. Defense has no impact on magic damage from incoming spell hits.
Range Attack functions the same as Attack be applied to projectiles. If your Lord has no listed Range Attack he cannot launch projectiles. Note that RA projectiles always have infinite ammunition.
Range is the maximum distance away on the combat map in which your Lord can target an enemy with his Range Attack projectile. A higher Range stat represents longer distance targeting.
PART 3: Lord Options Overview
To help you pick an appropriate Lord here is a brief summary of each Lord’s strengths and weaknesses. I’ve excluded Death Lords as new players cannot normally choose them.
Warrior Lords
Fire: This Warrior has the highest potential Attack; with the right artifacts a max level Fire Warrior Lord can have higher Attack than any other unit in the game. He also has the second highest hitpoints.
However a fire warrior has the slowest Attack Rate and Hit Recovery of any warrior and this can be overwhelmed and hitstun-locked when facing multiple opponents simultaneously.
Water: this warrior has fast combat speed and the fastest Attack Rat and Hit Recovery. This makes her very hard to surround and hitstun-lock. Her weakness is mediocre Attack and Hitpoints totals
Air: This Warrior has the highest potential Hitpoints and can wield the devastating Thunderblade Greater Artifact. Unfortunately he also requires the most experience points to level up and his Attack Rate and Hit Recovery are just as slow as a Fire warrior’s
Earth: This Warrior has the highest potential Defense and is therefore the hardest Lord to kill in most circumstances. His weakness is having the slowest combat speed and least movement points.
Life: this warrior has the fastest combat speed, many movement points, and requires the least experience points to level up. He can also use healing artifacts. He is perhaps the weakest warrior in a melee due to having e lowest Hitpoints and Attack.
Order: this is a well-balanced warrior with above average Defense but is otherwise unexceptional.
Chaos: this Warrior has the second most Attack and a fast Attack Rate, making his damage output the fastest in most fights. However he has the lowest Defense of all warriors and is therefore relatively fragile despite his above average hitpoints.
Thief Lords
Fire: is Thief has the highest potential Attack and maximum Hitpoints along with the second highest Defense (after Death’s Thief). This makes the Fire Thief superior in melee combat. However he has the worst Stealth of any thief along with slow Combat Speed and Rate of Fire. These weaknesses limit his effectiveness in the typical Thief roles : espionage and projectile damage.
Water: to is Thief has high Range Attack, fast Attack Rate, and average Range. These stats give her fast Ranged damage output in most fights. The downside is her fragility; she has low hitpoints and Defense.
Air: this thief has the fastest combat speed, above average Range, and can fly. He is also the only Lord with innate Missile Resist (besides Death’s Mage Lord). His glaring weakness is having the lowest maximum hitpoints.
Earth: this Thief Lord has the best Stealth Factor and relatively good Defense potential. Additionally he has above average Range. He is slow in Movement, Combat Speed, as well as damage output due to his mediocre Attack and Range Attack.
Life: this Thief Lord has the longest Range along with high Range Attack potential. She is fragile even for a Thief and has pitifully low Attack.
Order: this Thief Lord is relatively tough with above average Hitpoints and Defense potential. He also hits hard with good Attack and Range Attack. However he has slow Rate of Fire and Movement along with a mediocre Stealth Factor.
Chaos: This Thief Lord has shorter Range than most thieves but fast Rate of Fire and good Range Attack potential. She is as fragile as an average thief and her short Range makes dealing damage with her a high-risk, high-reward option in normal combat.
Mage Lords
Fire: Fire Spells are the best at increasing your units Attack and can also deal a lot of direct damage.
This Mage Lord has very high Attack and the second most maximum hitpoints for a Mage (discounting Death’s Mage Lord) allowing her to hold her own in dealing melee damage and surviving spell damage.
Her Defense is among the lowest of any unit in the game and she has relatively low maximum mana points.
Water: Water Spells are second best at healing and are versatile except for a relative lack of direct damage spells. Many powerful creatures like Dragons, Demons, the Great Worm and Phoenix take a lot of bonus damage from Water magic. A Water Mage Lord has average stats in every category.
Air: Air Spells are aggressively-oriented with an emphasis on multi-target direct damage attack spells but are still very versatile; Air spells cover most needs besides direct healing. An Air Mage Lord has the highest maximum hitpoints of any Mage (aside from Death’s Mage Lord) and the highest maximum Mana points as well.
He has fast Movement and Combat Speed but suffers very slow Attack Rate, despite his relatively high Attack, and even slower Hit Recovery. His other significant disadvantage is requiring more experience points to level up than other Mages.
Earth: Earth Spells specialize in crippling enemies ability to move and act but they have the worst options for dealing direct magic damage.
An Earth Mage Lord has the highest Defense potential (aside from Death’s Mage Lord) but relatively low maximum Hitpoints and Mana points. He also has slow combat speed, laughably low Attack, and low Movement points.
Life: Life Spells have, by far, the best options for directly healing your units; they even have a spell for reviving a killed unit during combat! Surprisingly Life Spells also do relatively high direct damage and specialize at damaging Death creatures.
A Life Mage Lord has the highest maximum Mana points but low Attack, Defense, and Hitpoints even for a Mage.
Order: Order spells specialize in increasing the Attack and Defense of your units. An Order Mage Lord has relatively low max Mana points and Attack/Defense along with slow combat Speed and Move points. Remember that he can benefit from his own stat-boosting spells though!
Chaos: Chaos spells have exceptional potency but often have somewhat randomly determined effects including potentially detrimental results such as self-inflicted damage on the casting Mage.
Chaos spells can do almost anything besides direct healing of hitpoints. A Chaos Mage Lord is relatively good in normal combat with her above average Attack, Defense, and Hitpoints and with spells such as Blink and Polymorph Self may be quite hard for enemies to kill.
PART 4: Units Besides Your Lord
Your Lord’s personal stats are a small part of your Faith choice. Your Faith selection also determines what other units you can produce at the start of the game. The only ways to gain units of another Faith are trade and conquest.
With this in mind it’s also important you have some knowledge about the units each Faith can create if you are to make an educated selection. Each Faith has its own unit for each of the following categories.
Infantry
Infantry: Created at a barracks. Infantry come 3-men per unit (killed men will revive as the infantry unit heals on the world map. All 3 men must be killed to permanently destroy the unit).
In general infantry are your Faith’s least expensive melee unit yet have the most maximum hitpoints (when all 3 mens’ HP is added together). Usually have slower combat Speed and lower Movement points than cavalry. Infantry also tends to Level up with fewer Experience points than cavalry.
Cavalry
Cavalry: produced at a barracks. Cavalry are also 3-man melee units but usually have better Attack, Combat Speed, and Movement points than infantry. This makes cavalry easier to use than infantry for aggressive damage dealing most of the time.
Missiles/Archers
Missiles/Archers: produced at a thieves guild. Missile units come in a 3-man unit and usually have Speed and Movement similar to infantry but are much more fragile (Fire’s solitary Rockhurler is the only exception).
With a couple exceptions most missiles have low Attack. But all of them have Range Attack and for most Faiths are the primary source of projectile damage output.
These 3 categories of military unit have a max Level of 5 and will comprise the bulk of your combat units.
All Faiths also have categories of units that cannot Level up. These units usually are used to supplement and support your main combat units.
They are as follows:
Magic Creatures
Magic Creatures: produced at Mage Tower or Great Temple (for top tier creatures only). These creatures start at their max level and cannot Level up. They do not require the Follower resource to create but also can’t be hired as mercenaries.
Basically what you see is what you get for creatures, they’ll be fully capable when created and never change. Unlike other unit types magic creatures often (but not always) have innate Resists to different types of damage. The specific Resists vary widely from creature to creature.
Magic creatures vary the most by Faith and can be very dissimilar from another Faith’s creature in the same category.
For example the tier 1 creatures from level 1 Mage Towers are Goblins for Chaos, basically an infantry unit, White Stag for Order, which is quick and good at scouting, Dryad for Life, a long range archer type, and Kraken for Water, which can’t even move on land and which is mainly used for sinking ships.
Each time you upgrade the level of a Mage Tower you gain the option of producing a new type (or tier as I call it) of magic creature. Higher tier creatures are usually more powerful and max ‘tier 3’ creatures are often some of the deadliest individual units available to a Faith.
Ships
Ships: Ships can only move on ocean and tend to have formidable combat stats and relatively high cost compared to other barracks units. However the primary purpose of a ship is not to fight but to transport ground units over ocean.
Each ship can carry one leader unit and 3 regular units and up to 3 ships can be in one party. This means a full party of ships can transport a full party of units. Beware should a ship be destroyed any units it’s transporting will be destroyed as well.
Scouts
Scouts: scouts are cheap and simple units available from a thieves guild. They tend to have superior Sight and Movement compared to other units of their Faith and they do not require a leader to move efficiently, allowing them to traverse the map solo.
Scouts are always level 1, come a single creature per unit, and have negligible combat abilities. Scouts can scout the map, and not much else.
PART 5: Understanding Your Faith
After you choose your Lord type you’ll need to choose what Faith he worships. This choice not only influences your Lord’s combat prowess but also influences almost everything about your starting situation.
Each Faith produces military units, leaders, and magical creatures that are unique to it. Each Faith has its own library of spells and arsenal of artifacts that favor its leaders.
Faith even determines what types of map terrain your Lord can fight effectively on. All Faiths’ start with differing relationships with each of the other 7 Faiths’. Each Faith has a rival Faith that is hostile from the very start.
This Rival is the Faith opposite to your selection on the Faith selection screen. For example Walter’s rival is Fire, Order’s is Chaos, and so on. Finally each Faith has its own city which is also your Lord’s starting position on the world map.
One Faith, Death, is especially unique. Death is the enemy of all other Faiths’ and killing the Death Lord is how every other Faith wins the game.
The Death Lord must kill the other 7 Lord’s to win. A new player cannot choose a death Lord for his first game; he must win as another Lord beforehand.
Here is a summary of each Faith’s military strengths and weaknesses:
Fire
🔥 Fire: all units have high Attack and most have high HitPoints. Fire has the most powerful magic Creatures but they’re also the most expensive and all of them take a lot of extra damage from Water magic. Fire has the worst Stealth and by far the worst ship. Fire also has subpar normal projectile damage, but superior magic damage.
Water
💦 Water: units have balanced stats, except for magic Creatures which are the worst in the game due to being either weak or confined to ocean. Has the second best healing spells and is the only Faith that can create healing potions. Ship has by far the most Movement and so does their Scout.
Air
⛈️ Air: has by far the most flying units and superior Movement points and Combat Speed. Most units suffer from low HitPoints. Magic has above average direct damage options, and is versatile.
Earth
🌿 Earth: units usually have superior Defense while also having high Attack and HitPoints. Units have the slowest Movement and Speed overall. Worst options for long range damage, both from projectiles and spells. Most spell options for impairing opponents movement.
Order
🏛️ Order: units tend to have above average defense and range attack but slow rate of fire and below average Movement points. Has the most spells for increasing your units stats, including several that boost your entire party at once. The most straightforward Faith, imo.
Chaos
🎇 Chaos: units have high Attack and HitPoints but the lowest Defense, by far. Most units also have low Movement points. Shortest Range and overall poor options for ranged damage. Spells are potent but often unpredictable, which you may find amusing or annoying depending on your playstyle and personality.
Life
☀️ Life: units have above average Movement points and Combat Speed but below average HitPoints and Attack. Life has the best projectile and direct damage spell options and overall excels at long Range combat. Life also has the best direct healing spells and above average stealth.
In my opinion Water and Life are the easiest Faiths to play for beginners. They are also the only two Faiths with Spells that directly and immediately restore Hitpoints to your damaged units.
On the other hand Chaos, Fire, and to some extent Earth are a bit more difficult for inexperienced players to succeed with due to their relatively poor Range damage options.
PART 6: Difficulty Level
Once you choose your Lord, the next choice is difficulty level:
Easy
Medium
Hard
Easy will make your Lord and starting party relatively strong at the start of the game, while other Faiths start weaker and fewer Faiths have control of their Great Temple.
On Hard mode it’s the opposite: a weaker start for you and a stronger start for more other Faiths.
You may now start the game.
However, before you begin, you also have the option of a ‘Custom’ start.
Custom will let you modify in minute, exact detail almost anything about your Lord’s starting circumstances:
What units he has in his starting party
What level they are
What artifacts he has
What Spells his Faith knows
How many of each resource you start with
–and even if you start with control of your Faith’s Great Temple – and a Stronghold with Followers in your Faith’s city.
All these benefits are purchased with ‘Barter Points’. On Easy you get the most points to spend, on Hard you get the least. The barter point cost of different items may vary depending on your Faith choice.
Units, Spells, and artifacts of the same Faith as your Lord are less expensive. Units, spells, and artifacts of other Faiths, especially of your rival, will be more expensive.
Congratulations if you’ve found this guide and read this far!
Now you can start the game making a smarter choice then most new players, who just pick whatever Lord looks and sounds coolest!
PART 7: Your Starting Goals & Economics
To understand what you must do at the start of a game it helps to understand the Economics of Lords of Magic.
This may all sound like a lot to take in but LoM’s resource system is actually much simpler than in most other strategy games, whether they be real-time like Warcraft or turn-based like Civilization.
Almost all the resources you’ll earn you’ll receive at the start of each of your turn as an income based on the buildings you control.
Cities produce far more resources than any other buildings and your cities will be your greatest source of resources in a typical game.
However for a city to produce an income it requires two things: a Stronghold and Followers. A city without a Stronghold is listed as Level 0 when you hover over it with your mouse cursor.
Your Faith’s city will automatically gain a Stronghold and be upgraded to level 1 when you kill the Faithless Marauder units that start in control of your Faith’s Great Temple (Marauders belong to no Lord and are hostile to all Faiths.
Marauders start with control of every dungeon and building besides other Faiths cities and some Great Temples. Marauder parties are identified by Gray colored banners on the World Map).
The second thing your city needs is Followers assigned to the resource-producing buildings within it. Followers are a resource that represents the number of civilians loyal to your Lord’s cause.
In addition to producing resource income in a city almost every type of unit besides Creatures and Mercenaries require one Follower to train.
Your Lord starts the game with no Followers, unless you elected to buy a city Stronghold or Great Temple in a Custom start. Like a Stronghold, to gain Followers you must take control of your Faith’s Great Temple.
Once you control your Faith’s Great Temple you’ll receive Followers every seventh turn (turn 7, 14, 21, 28 and so on for the duration of the game) based on the amount of another resource, Fame, you have.
This is the only way to gain Followers, they cannot be traded for or won in battle. The only exceptions are when you first win your Great Temple from Marauders, which will earn you 10 Followers immediately, and when you conquer another Faith’s city. Taking another Faith’s city will grant you control of its Followers so long as you own it.
Now back to resource production!
There are four buildings in a City where Followers can be allocated to generate resource income at the rate of one resource per Follower assigned per turn.
These resource buildings are the Market, which gives Gold income, the Tavern, which gives Ale, the Temple, which gives Crystal, and the Magistrate, which gives Fame.
Ale is mainly used to create and upkeep barracks units: warriors, infantry, cavalry, ships. Upkeep is the amount of resources you must spend at the start of each of your turns to maintain normal control of the unit.
All units besides ships and some powerful creatures require just 1 resource per turn to maintain. The exception are Mercenaries which are like normal units except they require no follower and much fewer resources to create but an extra four Gold to upkeep.
Ale is also used in lesser amounts to create Mages and Magical Creatures from your Mage Towers or Great Temples.
Gold is mainly used to create and upkeep Thieves Guild units, but is also needed in lesser amounts to create barracks melee units and to create and upkeep ships. As mentioned above gold is also needed in significant quantities to upkeep Mercenaries.
If you do not have the resources to pay for Mercenaries upkeep they will immediately vanish. For normal units failure to pay upkeep will cause ‘grumbling’ for 3 turns, which will cause you to lose Fame, and then you’ll lose control of the units you can’t afford to maintain.
Crystal is mainly used to create and upkeep Mages and Magical Creatures. It’s also used in lesser amounts to create Thieves Guild units.
You may also spend Crystal at your Mage Towers to receive Healing Potion and Mana Potion artifacts that restore their respective stats when a champion or Lord consumes one.
Within a City you control, Crystal can also be spent at the Temple to restore lost Hitpoints of your units in the city and to Dispel (remove) enemy spells that impair them.
All of these resources (except for Fame) are also needed to increase the level of your City and unit production Buildings.
PART 8: Buildings
The maximum Level for your City and unit production buildings is three. With each level increase your city can have more Followers assigned to each resource building, increasing your income.
For example you can assign a maximum of 8 Followers to the Market for 8 Gold per turn in a level 1 city but in a level 3 city 32 Followers maximum can be assigned to the Market.
With each level increase your City also gains a defensive feature when attacked, first a wall which blocks enemy projectiles then a gate which denies access to all non-flying units until the gate is destroyed in combat or opened by the city-controlling player.
With each level increase your unit creation buildings gain the potential to create more powerful units. BUT, AND THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT GAME ELEMENT NEW PLAYERS OFTEN MISS, you need your Lord or one of your champions to rest in the appropriate building to bestow a portion of their total experience points to units created at the building.
Higher Level buildings DO NOT mean more powerful units immediately; the level increase only allows the building to gain a higher percentage of the total experience points of a champion resting at it.
EXAMPLE: A Warrior with 1000 experience could impart a total of 40% of his experience , or 400 points, to a level 2 barracks at a rate of 40 points per turn spent resting in the barracks. So after 10 turns in the barracks new units produced at it will start with 400 experience points. A level 3 barracks can take 80% of his experience, or 800 points, at 80 points per turn.
A champion can only give experience points to the same type of building that creates it: Warriors give points to Barracks, Thieves to Thieves’ Guilds, and Mages to Mage Towers.
For this purpose your Lord is treated like any other generic champion of the same type and Faith, although he’ll typically have more total experience points and thus give more than your generic champions.
To state it simply BOTH a higher Level warrior/thief/Mage and a higher level barracks/Guild/Mage Tower are needed to create new higher Level units.
The building and appropriate champion must be combined for a few turns to get the building to produce upgraded units.
The maximum Level for a generic Champion (warrior, thief, Mage) is 10. For Military Units (infantry, cavalry, missiles/archers) the maximum Level is 5.
Leveling up your units is, especially with the buildings that make them, is ESSENTIAL to developing powerful parties as the game progresses.
You’ll likely run out of low difficulty dungeons to use for experience points quite early in the game and high difficulty dungeons often require a prohibitive commitment of resources to win.
Destroying other Faiths units for experience can be unreliable and usually requires you move the units you want to level up right into hostile territory.
Personal Comment
This is a personal comment by the author: When your hero, which might be a warrior, stays in the barracks, it will upgrade all troops made in your barracks.
You venture out into the world with your hero, travel, battle, gain experience. Then, you go back to your city and train the troops.
Every hero can upgrade the troops matching his own profession.
Warrior (trains warriors)
Thief (trains thiefs)
Mage (trains mages)
I found this to be a very cool mechanism.
The longer your hero has been away from the city, the faster your troops will be upgraded. Because the experience gap will now be very large.
You can build up ONE hero, and have extremely strong warriors.
Or you can build up TWO heroes, level them up in a slower fashion, and have moderately strong warriors and moderately strong mages (for example).
Or you can build up THREE heroes separately, which will take even longer. But this allows you to upgrade every single troop type in your town.
Common sense would dictate that the longer the game, the more heroes you should have. For example, in a long game, you should probably have one hero of each type, even if one of them is your primary hero.
Because I remember that the upgraded troops are WAY better than troops without upgrades. When your Mage hero trains your mages, they will actually discover new spells, you can track the progress.
All new mages you build will now know these spells. This mechanism actually mirrors reality, this is one reason I liked it so much!
PART 9: Combat Essentials
Keeping your high-level champions alive is essential so they can keep adding higher experience totals to your unit buildings. So, you’ll want to know what you can do to keep them alive during dangerous encounters.
One of the most powerful options for survival is giving the ‘Defend’ command (Shield icon on unit status bar during combat). Defend adds 50% of the unit’s Attack to its Defense, but the unit cannot attack, act, or move while defending.
Since activating and deactivating Defend is instantaneous and can be repeated indefinitely without penalty Defend has no real downside if you have the patience to micromanage the unit.
Most units without a Range Attack can Defend although warriors are certainly best at it due to their high Attack and high base Defense.
Most warriors can become effectively impervious to normal melee and projectile hits when they reach high Level thanks to the Defend command.
Remember Thieves and Mages can’t ‘Defend’, making them even more fragile compared to warriors than they seem at first glance.
To give the Defend command select the unit you wish to give the command to, click the Shield icon in the unit status bar, then click the unit again while your mouse cursor is a Shield. Ordering a Defending unit to take any movement or action automatically negates Defend.
Another simple option for surviving a dangerous combat is to simply have your units run away from combat. On the combat map each of the two parties in the fight has a single banner in it’s Faith’s color somewhere around the perimeter of the map.
This is called the ‘Flee Flag’. If you give the ‘Flee’ command (click the icon that shows a silhouette of a man running in the bottom right status bar during combat) and one of your units moves to the Flee flag they’ll be removed from combat for the remainder of the combat.
The units that successfully Flee will survive combat, even if the enemy wipes out the entire rest of your party. When you click the Flee button all units in your party will try to get to your Flee Flag by the shortest route available but you can cancel some or all of your units fleeing by selecting them and issuing any other command.
Alternatively you may ‘Surrender’ by clicking the icon which shows the silhouette of a man raising his hands above his head. Surrendering will immediately destroy all the units in your surrendering party except for your champions.
Your champions will become prisoners of the party and Faith you surrendered to. Prisoners may be released by developing good diplomatic relations with the Faith imprisoning them or prisoners may escape and return to your control through lucky random chance.
This gives you some small chance of getting your champion back, one you wouldn’t have If you just let him die in combat. Note that your Lord cannot be taken as a prisoner, if your Lord surrenders he instantly dies probably resulting in a Game Over for you.
Also note that surrendering to Marauder parties will always result in all your units, including champions, being immediately destroyed. TBH I’ve barely ever used the Surrender command and it might not work properly in the base game… this is how I believe surrendering is SUPPOSED to work😪
For the sake of completeness I’ll also describe aggressive combat options here; these commands won’t directly improve your units survivability but may help them kill enemies faster which, in some cases, may be more important.
Aimed Missile
‘Aimed Missile’ will make the unit’s Rate of Fire slower but increase the unit’s Range Attack 50% greater. Due to how Defense works this will usually be a faster way to deal damage to all but the lowest Defense targets.
Only available to units with Range Attack projectile attacks. To use, select a projectile unit, click the Target/Bullseye icon on the unit status bar, then click the target you want to shoot at.
Berzerk
‘Berzerk’ reduces a close combat unit’s Defense to 0 and adds 50% of their Defense to their Attack. Like ‘Defend’, ‘Berzerk’ can be micromanaged to avoid its disadvantages.
To use Berzerk select a melee-only unit, click the Flail (ball and chain/stick) icon in the unit status bar then click the target you want the Berserking unit to attack.
Detect Thief
‘Detect Thief’ is a special ability exclusive to Thieves’. It will render your Thief immobile and unable to act or attack while active, just like Defend.
However instead of increasing your Thief’s Defense it increases the chance you’ll have of revealing the position of an opponent’s Thief while he’s using Stealth. Honestly I don’t know precisely how Detect Thief works or if it even does anything, but it doesn’t seem to hurt you at all and can be activated and deactivated instantly so it can’t hurt afaik.
Subdue
‘Subdue’ is another Thief-exclusive ability. It is a melee point-blank range hit that does 0 damage but, when it strikes an enemy champion, will immediately disable that champion’s ability to move and act for the duration of combat.
If you then win the combat you’ll get the Subdued enemy champion as a Prisoner of your victorious party. When selecting a prisoner on the world map you get the options to interrogate or torture the prisoner for chance to gain info on his Faith, like his Lord’s location, unit locations, map knowledge, resources reserves etc.
You may also execute a prisoner to permanently destroy him or free him to return him to his Faith’s control, which may improve diplomatic relations.
Note that a Subdued opponent Lord cannot be taken as a Prisoner, he’ll simply be destroyed instead. Each Thief is limited to 3 prisoners and they must all be of the same Faith.
Stealth
‘Stealth’ in combat can only be used by thieves. When a thief enters Stealth he can move about the combat map invisible to and untargetable by your opponent.
Remember that untargetable does not mean invincible or untouchable, if an enemy unit launches a spell or projectile at your thief while he’s visible those attacks can still hit and damage him after he activates Stealth.
However they won’t be able to target him again until he exits Stealth or gets detected. Attacking or taking any action besides moving or using ‘detect Thief’ will cause your thief to exit stealth.
There is a brief period wherein your thief cannot reenter stealth after he exits it. Getting detected DOES NOT END STEALTH it simply allows enemy units to see and target your thief while he’s still in stealth.
There is a chance that after a brief time a detected thief will go back to being undetected. I honestly do not know the exact gameplay mechanics related to the chances detection, and detection duration, and it seems quite random.
Nonetheless Stealth is a powerful tool for keeping your thieves alive and kicking.
PART 10: Fame & Followers
Now you understand your essential goals upon starting a game: getting experience points for your Lord and leader units, having them improve your unit production buildings, and gaining Followers to produce income in your city and turn into loyal fighting units.
But how do you get enough Followers fast enough to meet your needs for upgrading, expansion, and combat? How do you increase the number of Followers you get every seventh turn?
This is where the final resource, Fame, becomes useful. Fame cannot be traded for from other Faiths: Fame income comes from your city’s Magazine strate, your Great Temple, and in small amounts from Statue-type dungeons you control. However Fame is mostly earned by performing well in combat.
Victory in combat will reward you with Fame based on how challenging the battle was and how well you performed. If you beat unfavorable odds and succeed against a superior enemy party while keeping most of your units alive you’ll gain relatively high Fame upon victory.
If you suffer a crushing defeat and many of your units are destroyed you’ll lose Fame, especially if you were defeated by a weaker enemy party.
However if you deal a disproportionate amount of destruction to a much more powerful enemy party you may actually gain Fame, even in defeat.
Vice versa an overly costly victory in which you squander units against a weaker enemy party may see you lose Fame even if you win the combat. Various tactical blunders may also subtract from your Fame.
Failing to make your unit upkeep payments will subtract from your Fame at the start of each turn you come up short.
Failing thief espionage actions like unsuccessfully torturing prisoners for information or failing attempts at stealing will also reduce your Fame.
Not all Fame points are equal when it comes to getting new Followers. Two types of a Fame factor into the Followers you attract each seventh turn. The first is the most obvious, your Fame reserve.
This is the amount of Fame you have listed next to all your other resources on the world map user interface. A larger Fame reserve means you’ll get more Followers, although I’m unsure of the exact programming or math formula behind this. If I had to hazard a guess I’d say you get about one Follower for every 50 Fame in your reserves.
The second type of Fame is recently earned combat Fame. The Fame you gained in the seven turns you wait for the next batch of Followers will gain you even more Followers than your typical Fame reserves.
This is displayed in the Follower pop-up on your seventh turn phrased something like this ”word of your recent deeds has also attracted # additional Followers to your cause.”
This means recently earned combat Fame can be counted twice for gaining Followers: once as typical reserve Fame and once again as ‘recent deeds’ Fame. This also means you can do stuff like trade all your Fame for Gold at your city Magistrate and still gain Followers based on your recent combat successes.
This type of Fame is, imo, more important early in a game when there’s many dungeons to clear out and your passive Fame income and Fame reserves are lower.
A unique trait of Followers is that, unlike other resources, they are stored in a particular geographic map location, your city. Once you gain control of multiple cities you’ll discover the Followers you have at one cannot be used for resource generation or unit creation at the other.
PART 11: Mastering Magic & Learning Spells
Warriors and thieves get better at what they do as they level up but Mages also need something else: you need to learn spells for them to use.
Unless you start as a Mage Lord by default your Faith knows no spells meaning your Mages can’t cast anything rendering them practically useless.
The main way of learning spells for your Mages to use is by researching them at your Library. A library is a building associated with and placed right next to a Mage Tower, every Mage Tower has one.
By moving one or more Mages into a library and having them stay there they can research new spells. Note that a Mage can only research at a library at a tower that matches his Faith.
A Fire mage can only research at a Fire Mage Tower library, an Order mage only researches at an Order library and so on.
To begin research double click the library once you’ve moved an appropriate Mage into it. You will see an illustration of the inside of the library with four books on a shelf in the top right.
Click one of the books to bring up its pages then click ‘Begin Research’. The four books each have a different category of spells to research: Attack, Defense, Overland, and General.
Attack focuses on damaging enemies and improving your units’ damage potential. Defense focuses on making your units better at surviving and for Life and Water may also include healing spells.
Overland is for spells that are used on the world map instead of during combat and for a few Faiths may even include spells that can damage enemy parties without needing to enter combat.
General Knowledge spells are spells most Faiths get similar or identical versions of which include, but are not limited to: Teleport Artifacts from the caster’s inventory to another party, Dispel Magic (canceling another Mage’s spell), detecting units of their rival Faith and increasing their party’s rate of healing and movement points.
Spells progress in a straight research path within a book, you must learn the spells earliest in a book before you can start research on a spell later in a book. Typically books progress from the least powerful and least Mana costly spells to the most powerful.
The time it takes to research a spell is measured in required man-days of research which are displayed on the spell’s page within its spell book. Each mage finishes a number of man-days of research equal to his level each turn.
So a level 1 Mage does 1 man-day a turn while a level 12 Mage Lord would do 12. The man-days of research for each Mage in the library are cumulative so long as the library has enough spots for them to do all research.
The number of spots a library has for researchers is equal to its level: a Level 1 library can have only one Mage researching at a time while a Level 3 library can have 3 researching Mages.
So a level 2 library with a level 3 mage and a level 6 mage researching in it will accumulate 9 man-days of research per turn.
A library will always be the same level as the Mage Tower it’s associated with; if a Mage Tower is razed to level 0 its library will also be reduced to level 0.
If you place more Mages in a library than it has research spots for – the highest level Mages will automatically be the ones assigned to research.
Note that if you acquire more than 1 library of the same type, by building a new Mage Tower at a village, research between the libraries WILL NOT be cumulative. In other words you won’t learn a spell any faster by having Mages at multiple libraries research it.
However you can make progress on researching multiple spells of the same Faith simultaneously by selecting a different book to research at the other library.
So for example you could progress on research for a Life Attack spell and a Life Defense spell simultaneously by having 2 Life Mage Towers and having one’s library research the Attack book, while the other’s research the Defense book.
Once your researching Mages have contributed the required man-days of research required to learn a Spell, your Faith will know that Spell for the rest of the game.
There is NO WAY WHATSOEVER to lose knowledge of a spell you’ve completed research on. If your Mage Towers are all razed, if all your Mages are killed, if all your cities are captured, even if you trade the Spell to another Faith your Faith will still keep the knowledge of it!
However under normal circumstances a Mage can only cast Spells of his own Faith ex. an Earth Mage can only cast those spells in the books of an Earth Mage Tower Library. One exception is by finding a Scroll artifact.
A scroll is an artifact that grants no stat bonuses but allows any mage that equips it to cast the scroll’s spell. To the best of my knowledge any spell of any Faith can show up as a scroll.
Like other artifacts scroll’s are acquired semi-randomly as rewards for clearing out the Marauders in level 4 or higher dungeons. Note that if you give a Mage a Scroll which contains a spell of the same Faith as the Mage, the scroll will be destroyed, but you’ll immediately gain knowledge of the scroll’s spell.
Other artifacts may also provide limited uses of another Faith’s spell each turn. For example the Ring of Healing allows any Faith’s Mage to cast Heal 4 times per turn, even though Heal is the Life Faith’s spell.
Artifact spells like this do not require or consume any Mana points when cast. Artifact spells can also allow Warriors and Thieves to cast spells, which they cannot normally do.
The Ring of Healing in this example can also be given to a Warrior or a Thief and allow him to cast Heal 4 times per turn. Unlike scroll’s these other artifacts cannot give you knowledge of the artifacts spell.
Give the Ring of Healing to one of your Life Mages before you’ve finished research on Heal and the Mage will be able to cast Heal but you will not gain knowledge of Heal. Some especially powerful Greater Artifacts also allow the casting of Spells that cannot be researched and are unique to that artifact.
For example the Staff of Incineration allows the wielder to cast the unlearn-able artifact-only combat spell ‘Back-draft’ which launches multiple Fireballs simultaneously.
The Greater Artifact Ring of Productivity allows its wielder to cast the world map spell Bureaucracy which has the totally unique effect of reducing resource-income produced by another Faith’s city and which is unlearn-able and unavailable by any other means.
To cast a spell select a Mage (and only the Mage). In the Mage’s status bar at the bottom of the screen up to two spells you know will be listed. Of course you can learn far more than two spells per Faith so how do you access the others?
You can change the spells listed in the status bar by right-clicking one of the spell buttons. The right-click will bring up a new menu listing buttons for other spells of the Mage’s Faith you know. Click the spell you want and then select the target you wish to cast it on.
The spells available in a Mage’s status bar are also context sensitive to an extent. Overland spells for example have effects on the World map, effects which are irrelevant during Combat, and thus will only be listed when you select the Mage on the World map.
Incidentally, spells may have great offerings when trading with an A.I. Faith, since they have high barter value, you don’t lose spell knowledge when you trade it, and the other Faith will not even be able to cast the spell unless they somehow also gain a Mage of the spell’s Faith.
It’s funny and useful to rip-off the A.I. by trading them your Faith’s spells without giving them any of your Faith’s Mages to even cast it.This brings me to the final tutorial topic, the Parley inter-Faith trading system.
PART 12: Diplomacy & Trade
Any time one of your parties moves onto the same space on the world map as another Faith’s party you’ll see a pop-up box giving a brief description of the other party’s attitude towards your Faith and the options to Attack, Retreat, or Parley.
Choose Parley and the trading menu will open up. Using the trading menu’s interface you can offer to exchange any combination of gold, ale, Crystal, units (except for Lords), artifacts, buildings (except for cities and their buildings), and spells you have for any combination you know the other Faith has.
Note that an A.I. controlled Faith will usually never present units in their Lord’s party or their City’s guard as trading options. This prevents you from stripping their Lord and City of defenders through parley.
Your trading offer can be characterized in several different ways which alter the chance the AI will accept it and what the diplomatic consequences will be if a trade is made.
These different types of offer are one of either a plea, a request, a gift, a trade, a demand, or a threat. Before you decide what type of context to use for your offer you need to consider your current diplomatic relations with the other Faith.
The trade menu will display the current diplomatic opinion: how that Faith feels about your people. From the most hostile open warfare to the most trusted alliance the possible diplomatic opinions are: Loathing, Hatred, Hostility, Aversion, Distaste, Neutral, Empathy, Trust, Kinship, Pact and Devotion.
The other Faith’s opinion of you and the context you present the offer in have almost as much effect on the likelihood your offer will be accepted, and what diplomatic consequences it will have, as the actual value or the items being exchanged.
Plea
Plea: For those cases when you are desperate for something and you do not have any negotiating leverage, you can simply try begging.
This option does not damage their opinion of you too much, but don’t expect much generosity from most Faiths. If another Faith comes to you with a Plea for something, and you give it to him, they will be very grateful to you; much more so than if a normal Trade had taken place.
Request
Request: A Request is like politely asking a friend for some help; and they had better be a friend – or you will not receive much.
Once the Request is done, your friend might think less of you. The best thing to do with Requests is to use them sparingly and only on Faiths whom you know you can trust.
Gift
Gift: Most trading partners will accept a Gift (unless they truly hate you). However only a small fraction of the Gift’s value will go toward improving the recipient’s opinion if they are hostile to you. Don’t offer a Gift and ask for resources at the same time, as this can cause a severe loss of face for you.
Trade
Trade: The success of a normal Trade is more greatly based on the actual value of items being traded – but is still influenced by the diplomatic state that exists between the two parties.
If the deal made had unbalanced value for the two Faiths, one side will lose respect for the other, depending on the inequity of the deal and the diplomatic state between the two Faiths to begin with.
Demand
Demand: If you decide that you must have something that another Faith has, you can Demand that they give it to you. If they are not too attached to the goods, they might give you what you’ve Demanded.
Offering them something in return might help to convince them to give you what you want, but will not decrease the negative feelings that a Demand will generate.
Threat
Threat: When you no longer care about maintaining good relations with a Faith you can try a Threat. Besides attacking their units and buildings there is no quicker way of starting hostilities with another Faith than by threatening them.
Unlike other types of offer the relative military power of the two parties is a factor in the effectiveness of a threat; a Faith which clearly outclasses your own armies is unlikely to be swayed by a Threat.
Remember if an AI Faith approaches one of your parties with a Threat they will likely attack immediately if you decline their offer.
Diplomatic Status
Diplomatic status also influences an AI Faith’s military behavior towards you. If you’re at Pact with a friendly Faith they’ll let your parties pass through their lands unmolested and may even approach them offering Gifts.
At Loathing, on the other hand, your units will be attacked on sight in that Faith’s territory and they may even send combat parties to invade and pillage your cities and buildings.
If an AI Faith hasn’t yet liberated their own Great Temple from Marauders and you capture it that Faith will swear fealty to your Faith so long as their opinion is Neutral or better.
Fealty will place the Faith swearing it totally under your control: your Faith will gain the other’s city, buildings, a portion of their existing units, and even their Lord.
A Lord gained by fealty is like an ‘extra life’; if you’re starting Lord dies you can carry on the game so long as one other Lord remains under your Faith’s control.
Note this also applies to AI Faith’s: it’s uncommon but occasionally you’ll see a pop-up message stating that one AI Faith has sworn fealty to another. If this happens remember you’ll need to kill ALL of that Faith’s Lords to knock them out of the game.
If you gain control of the Great Temple of a hostile Faith, or one that has already liberated their Temple but subsequently lost it, you may Relinquish control of it and give control to the other Faith to improve diplomatic relations with them.
The AI can even relinquish their control of your Great Temple if they capture it: this will normally only happen if the Faith with your Temple is friendly to you and their opinion of you will somewhat worsen when they give you your Great Temple back.
PART 13: Party Composition
Each party of units you control has a strict unchanging limit on how many units it can contain: a party can have at most 3 Champions and 9 Units. A champion is a Warrior, Mage or Thief, and your Lord counts as a champion.
Units are any other type besides ships and certain Legendary creatures. Each party roster can and will be separated into 3 group segments consisting of up to 1 champion and up to 3 units.
These segments are referred to as ‘unit windows’ in the game’s manual. For practical purposes the unit windows determine how your units will be positioned at the start of a combat, units of the same window will start grouped near each other. A warrior’s Rally ability can only boost the Attack and Defense of military units in his unit window.
Champions always occupy the first slot in each Unit Window, and there can only be one Champion per Unit Window. If there is no Champion, this slot will be left empty.
A normal unit can never occupy a champion slot in the unit window even if the slot is empty. Three Units may occupy the remaining slots of the Unit Window.
Up to three Unit Windows will be displayed depending on the size of the party. Adding an additional champion will add another unit window to the party. Exceeding the 3 unit limit per window will also create an additional unit window.
Experience levels are indicated by white line marks beneath each unit icon. Any equipped artifacts appear under the corresponding Champion. The current number of living military unit members (normally three) is indicated underneath that military unit.
If you want more information on a specific party member, double click directly on his or her icon. The resulting popup tells everything you need to know about that unit, including upkeep costs, remaining hit points, movement points, Mana points, accumulated Experience points and the number of additional points needed to increase the unit’s Level.
You will also see a Dismiss button here. It is represented by a figure with its back turned and a large X. This allows you to immediately get rid of units you no longer want to reduce your upkeep costs and to prevent other Faiths from killing them and getting experience points.
A Champion cannot wield two magical weapons or two magical protective devices (such as magical suits of armor or shields) at once, as all weapons can be wielded only in the right hand and armor can be wielded only in the left. Champions can wield rings, amulets and potions in either hand.
PART 14: Maps & Terrain
Terrain penalties. Every Faith has terrain types that impede the speed of its units. Usually adverse terrain includes the home terrain of that Faith’s rival, the Lava terrain type, and one other type of terrain.
Units take about twice as long to move and attack on adverse terrain during combat.
Moving over adverse terrain on the world map will use up a unit’s movement points more rapidly, so they run out after a shorter distance. Here’s a list of all the terrain types and what effects they have.
Mountain: home terrain of Chaos. Slows Order, Death and Water.
Plains: home terrain of Order and Earth. Slows Chaos.
Lava: found in and around Fire’s homeland. Slows all Faiths except for Fire and Earth.
Meadow: home terrain of Life and Water. Slows Death, Fire and Chaos.
Desert: home terrain of Fire. Slows Water, Life, and Air.
Ice: home terrain of Air. Slows Earth, Fire and Order.
Swamp: home terrain of Death. Slows Life, Air and Earth.
Road: All Faith’s units can move farther per movement point on road.
Ocean: Only ships and flying units can move across ocean. Water’s ship, the Corsair, travels over ocean farther per movement point compared to other ships.
Impassable: represented on the world map by tall jagged rocks only flying units can even move over impassable terrain.
For the purposes of terrain penalties Marauder-exclusive units seem to be treated the same as Death units.
Note that terrain penalties apply based on the Faith that a unit is native to, not by the Faith that currently controls it.
For example if Order conquers Water and makes units from Water buildings those units will still be slowed by Desert even though units created at Order buildings are not slowed by Desert.
However the color of the banner that flies above a party on the world map indicates what Faith controls the party regardless of what types of units are in it.
A double banner indicates the party contains that Faith’s Lord. The colors of the Faiths’ banners are as follows.
Life: yellow
Death: black
Order: off-white beige
Chaos: brown
Fire: red
Water: dark blue
Earth: green
Air: light blue
Marauders: gray
Final Comment
We have reached the end of this MASSIVE GUIDE. The content was not written by me, but by this Genius Fanboy on Reddit.
Let me tell you a story. This was the summer of 1998.
I was at my childhood friend’s house, in an upper middle class suburb of Stockholm – called “Ekerö”.
His mother, who had sustained an aggressive form of Breast Cancer, had been outside, and spontaneously bought this computer game.
She knew NOTHING about computer games. Using Microsoft WORD was an attempt to hack into NASA, as far as she was concerned.
She just knew that her dear son, her only son, LOVED computer games. And she supported that interest, because she loved her son with every atom in her body.
She died, soon thereafter.
Lords of Magic
The game that she bought? It was called “Lords of Magic”.
As my friend talked about this game, I could see the enthusiasm on his face, and hear it in his voice. Since you could play it without the CD, he gave it to me, so I could play it at home.
I was BLOWN away.
I had not played Heroes of Might and Magic at that time, because my introduction came with Heroes of Might and Magic 3 (which came out a year later).
Which I loved.
I still think it was the best Heroes of Might and Magic game ever made. But I do not know if I am being nostalgic, or if it REALLY was the best! =)
Anyway.
The worldbuilding for Lords of Magic was incredible. It was the most well built fantasy world – I had ever come into contact with.
It was one single world, instead of letting the computer generate a new map every time (which is usually the case).
But this allowed the company who made the game, Sierra On-Line, to put a lot of time into this world. As they only had to make ONE world.
This world had a BRILLIANT design.
Factions
It is inhabited by 8 Factions. And these factions are based on the elements themselves. On the building blocks of life.
Not only that, but each Element, each Faction, had an opposite – a nemesis.
In the list below, I will list the opposites by each other.
The 8 Factions of “Lords of Magic”:
Life
Death (opposite of “Life”)
Earth
Air (opposite of “Earth”)
Fire
Water (opposite of “Fire)
Order
Chaos (opposite of “Order”)
As I remember it, the kingdoms that were at odds with each other, were located on opposite sides of the world.
As far away from each other as possible. This makes a lot of sense. It was also symbolic.
It was also impossible for them to establish good diplomatic relationships with each other.
Here is a description for each faction lifted from the Wikipedia Page of Lords of Magic.
Life
Referred to as the ”Elddren”, the followers of life are elves who fight with oaken staves and bows. Their structures are carved out of trees with white bark and golden leaves and they are at home in the woods.
Their land is a distinct vibrant green. Life has the strongest archers in the game, but suffer from weak melee fighters. Eventually they can summon Pegasus riders and the mighty phoenix.
Death
The Dark Elves who follow Golgoth. They inhabit the swamps and marshes of Urak and are feared for their potent necromancy, spear-throwers and cavalry.
They have very few weaknesses, the greatest one being that that other faiths are initially hostile toward them, and their relationships will automatically depreciate over time. Their special creatures are the vampire and lich.
Earth
Based heavily on the hobbits and dwarves of Tolkien, the Earth-Folk live in giant mushrooms and earthen burrows.
They have the slowest movement speed of any faction, an often crippling weakness, but make up for it in the endurance and strength of their warriors. They can summon golems and the Great Worm.
Air
In Urak, both storm giants and fairies make their homes among the clouds. Air Mages are renowned for their incredible magic and their giants wield massive swords that can topple foes.
They suffer from weak cavalry but typically their armies march quickly and unhindered. Eventually they can summon a storm dragon.
Fire
The volcanoes and lava filled caves are home to the faith of Fire, a people composed of both Giants and Dwarves. Their magic is destructive and their offense relentless.
They can do large amounts of damage but often can’t handle much themselves. They can eventually summon a mighty dragon who can destroy armies on its own.
Water
The Amazons rule the waters in Urak. The Water people live in coral-encrusted homes by the shores. They benefit from the strongest ships in the game by a margin so large that most faiths can’t even compete for dominance.
They also have strong cavalry and warriors and quick scouts. They suffer from lacking a special creature that succeeds on land and from poor archers. They are the only faith that can summon more than one legendary creature, the Giant Arachnids.
Order
Heavily based on the legends of Camelot, the members of Order represent a typical medieval fighting force. Plate-armored knights and hardy crossbowmen make up their ranks.
The faction of Order is the most well-rounded in the game but suffer from not excelling in any field. Also, in the regular game their city is found close to the center of the game world, so an Order player who makes many enemies will quickly realize they have bitten off more than they can chew.
Their special creatures are spirit warriors and Sir Lancelot of the Lake; when fully leveled, Lancelot is superior to the special creatures of the other factions.
Chaos
Barbarians who roam the mountain and plains of Urak. Living in a tribal society, these warriors excel at brute force, but lack in defense and marksmanship.
Their warriors and horsemen can strike fear into many, but their laughable stickthrowers make effective ranged attacks next to impossible.
They can summon a Hydra as their special creature. They also benefit, and sometimes suffer, from a chance-based magic system. Their spells can either do great harm to their enemies, or themselves.
Here are3 Guides on “Secrets” (cheats, bugs, broken tactics).
But Lords of Magic is a game you can play without reading any guides first.
Multiplayer
This game was rushed out 3-6 months too early (maybe more!), so the only playable mode was its single player campaign, which was good, but also had some bugs.
There was no multiplayer.
There were no servers to connect to. It was not possible to connect directly to another IP-address, and play that way. Back then, a lot of games had this function.
There was no “Local Area Network” play.
Which would have allowed you to setup two computers and play with a friend. This way, you can share this world together, and play against the computer in various scenarios.
A Game Update
If a new gaming company took this game:
Bought the rights
Updated the graphics
Removed the bugs
Added Multiplayer gameplay
– then, we would have a GREAT GAME!
They would not have to do anything else.
But a nice feature would be to add various single player modes. These games work best against the computer, so there needs to be more than the main campaign.
Doing this would not require a lot of work. A medium sized team could do this in a couple months. The game is already finished.
Apparently, this game had such an engaged fanbase, that they continued patching the game, after it stopped being updated. Remember: this was back in 1998.
People BARELY had internet, back then. You would have needed some serious programming skills – in order to patch a game like this.
This was a hint of greatness.
When writing this text, I almost gave this text the title: “Lords of Magic: The BEST Game That FAILED”.
It is a bit dramatic. I admit it! But it might ACTUALLY be true!
Game Mechanics
The game mechanics of this game are very strong, virtually PERFECT. The map movement is turn-based, but the combat is real-time – with pauses.
This real-time combat changes the feel of the entire game. It makes a big difference.
Through your conquests, you can accumulate “Fame” and “Followers” – which gives you various bonuses.
It was 26 YEARS since I played this game, so I do not remember ALL the details! =)
Devoted Fanboy
But a Devoted Fanboy posted this in-depth guide to Lords of Magic on Reddit. It contains 14 Parts, which are posted as comments to the original thread.
The introduction was very well written.
Here it is:
Introduction: What is Lords of Magic?
LoM is a strategy game released for PCs in 1997. It combines simplified elements from many gaming genres including:
Real-time strategy (think Warcraft)
Turn-based grand strategy (like Sid Meier’s Civilization)
Roleplaying games (Dungeons & Dragons style)
LoM can be considered representative of the 4X subgenre of strategy games:
eXplore
eXploit
eXpand
eXterminate
The player must explore a vast map of the game world, build the military and economic power of his faction by working with or against other factions, and ultimately overcome and destroy the game’s villain: the Death Lord, Balkoth.
In 1998 the ‘Special Edition’ expansion of LoM was released and added new buildings, new creatures, and the more story-based ‘Legends of Urak’ single-player missions.
You can actually buy this game on Steam for 5 Euros (or 6 Dollars). Here is the Steam Page.
There is a “Special Edition”, which includes the expansion “Legends of Urak”. It contains a series of quests, more content, and hopefully some bug fixes.
The 449 User Reviews on Steam are 91% Positive. Me and my childhood friend’s opinion of the game – seems to be THE NORM!
I might actually go and buy it.
The Heroes of Might & Magic Killer
The “Heroes of Might and Magic” game series was well made, essentially bugfree, and contained a lot of playable modes.
It was the BIGGEST turn based game of its time.
Lords of Magic could have been bigger.
But in order for this to become feasible reality, as few things would have needed to happen.
The team would have needed another 6-12 months to fix everything in the game.
They would add features such as Local Area Network play, Multiplayer, and variations of the Single Player mode.
The game would have needed a proper launch, with marketing efforts behind it.
It would have needed a strong expansion, about a year later, that also fixed all the major bugs, and gameplay problems – in the original game.
This expansion would also add new content, with focus on the single player experience. As, back then, most play was against the computer.
Another expansion would follow a year after the first expansion. It would contain more game features, and more game content. This expansion would improve the game graphics.
After these two expansions, they would start working on the sequel, “Lords of Magic 2”.
This game would be a better looking, smoother running version of the original game.
In order to run the game smoothly on most operating systems, you played with a 800 X 600 resolution. The highest playable resolution was 1360 X 768.
If all these things had been in place?
Then.
This game would have become the Heroes of Might & Magic Killer.
Player Made Content
In a perfect world, they would have allowed players to add new content to the game.
They could have released a “Game Editor” that allowed you to make single player scenarios. The company could have uploaded these scenarios to their website, and offer cash rewards for the most popular ones.
The creator could have been offered a “stipend” – to develop this scenario further.
Both the Starcraft games – and the Warcraft games – had game editors like this.
Remember that this game was being patched by the devoted fanbase even WITHOUT the help from Sierra On-Line.
Imagine what would have happened if they were actively cooperating with the fanbase?
The fans would have made a lot of good content, the game would have grown, and EVERYBODY wins.
They are listed in order of popularity, as ranked by steam. But very short reviews have not been included, because they add no value.
Enjoy!
DuskCookie
DuskCookie: I’ve used to play this game non stop when I was younger. One of the few games that I ended up getting super addicted. The game is basically Heroes of Might and Magic except a bit more tactical on the combat side.
When this game popped up on Steam, I knew I had to buy this game out of pure nostalgia. While I still have the original disc, I wanted this version to play on Steam. To this day, I still rate this game pretty high.
If you don’t mind the game being wide screen and the graphics to be a bit grainy, get this game especially if you like strategy games.
Saveclementine
saveclementine: This game deserves to be so much better known than it is! My dad bought it on release with our first computer back in the late 90s and it is still his absolute favorite game now in 2017. I used to spend hours watching him play it, and even now it’s still a ton of fun.
I think what really makes it is the level of detail. The developers clearly spent a lot of time working on the lore. Each of its faiths has a great, distinctive feel. Every unit has their own separate portrait and voice prompt (these get repetitive but really add depth).
The combat is really clunky and can be very challenging and seemingly random (I tend to just autocalc everything if I’m being honest), but there’s just something so satisfying about building up your awesome army and conquering your neighbors.
Although it can be kinda easy to get stuck in a gameplay rut, there’s a decent amount of variation to be found through the various faiths and lords, the map editor (completely change up the map or even build your own… it adds way more variety than you’d expect), and the story mode expansion.
That being said, I really wish this game had gained the popularity needed to get a sequel (or two or three). It would be awesome to see a more modern take on this.
One thing I’d really like to see added is more expansion to the economy. A more robust trading system and financial management would really help the endgame (at which point your only options are really to kill off all of your allies, wander around fighting random dungeons, or just quit your hard-earned game. Boo!).
If you like strategy, fantasy, or especially both, this is definitely worth a try.
Mangs
Mangs: I am writing this review to showcase my Let’s Play of this game, which I recently released on my YouTube channel named; Mangs.
Lords of Magic was the first game I ever played as a child. Gifted to me on Christmas eve when I had just turned 9 years old, it was a game that stirred my interest for turn-based strategy.
I did not even understand the language, but I loved the graphics, sounds and especially the music. I played this game so much I ended up having to re-buy it twice due to breaking two of my CD’s.
Looking back at it 20 years later, I am amazed how far this game was ahead of its time compared to other games. While it may be clunky, slow and outdated by today’s standards, it poses a real challenge to even the most hardened veteran, and it’s systems are still complex and tricky to figure out.
The game’s diplomacy system, while not terribly advanced, still allows you to be somewhat tactical by befriending other nations via the use of gifts and trades.
The magic is very tricky, requiring you to research your spells before using them, but once you get going, magic becomes a terribly force on the battlefield, allowing you to wipe out entire armies with your wizard alone.
This would be a problem if the game was named anything else than “Lords of Magic”, but with magic being such a central theme of the game, I am okay with it being as devastating as it is.
For all the love I have for this game, it can be terribly frustrating at times though. Even your toughest units die so incredibly fast in battle. Saving them feels like a hopeless and sometimes monotonous task, and in order to succeed you HAVE to babysit your units like crazy until they start leveling up.
Even at max level however, they usually do not last very long on the battlefield, but at least they have a fighting chance.
I also heavily dislike the auto-calculate feature that allows you to resolve battles with the click of a button, as it goes way too easy on the player, often tempting you to auto-calculate simply because the result is more desirable.
I suggest not using this feature at all if you want to have a good experience with this game, unless it is to quickly get rid of a small, meaningless army that would otherwise not pose a threat to you.
20 years later, this game continues to captivate and amaze me. The music, graphics and sounds are timeless to me, and completely one-of-a-kind. If you enjoyed games like Heroes of Might and Magic as a kid, you will absolutely love Lords of Magic. I seriously recommend it!
Ystadyr
ystadyr: Straight to it, Lords of Magic is one of the best. I cannot do it justice, it’s really a diamond. I’ve played it since the demo came out 19 years ago, and I played it yesterday.
Overall: 9/10
Game Length: Hours
Complexity: Moderate
Replay: Infinite
The music has that rare perfection, it is atmospheric, beautiful, and yet blends into the background and doesn’t annoy on repeat (unlike say, Civilization I and II). The gameplay itself is fun, sensible, and keeps getting deeper the more one plays.
While the rules are simple, they mingle to form complex situations. The AI is unexpected, good even by today’s standards. There’s tons of customization without it being overwhelming or senseless.
It’s endlessly replayable, every New Game plays out differently. Of course, you can always play as the main villain instead for a completely different experience, or one of the expansion Quests. There’s even a complete map creator if you want more. You literally cannot run out of game to play.
Everything matters, from terrain, to spells, to flanking, to army movement, and so on, there is no aspect of the game that is ‘useless’ or ignorable.
Now it is also likewise quite unforgiving, rarely is there a chance to take back a bad decision, it’s not that any mistake will spell your doom, it’s that one could. Getting yourself stuck in the zipper of imperial overreach is very much a possibility.
This is a challenging game, and it does not have much tolerance for tactless blind charges, dumb is dead.
It is however true, just as in real war, that sometimes a misstep could not be foreseen, or luck sides against you, and in a close battle that can be the difference that causes utter defeat. The game is only <mostly> fair, not completely fair. Even a solid victory can be Pyrrhic.
I’ve seen it said that the game is well balanced, or not at all. I disagree, I think it has that always-sought after and rare perfect imbalance.
Yes, some Faiths are easier or harder for beginners, because their strengths are intuitive or obvious to implement.
But each one can win consistently, they just use unconventional tactics, and come into their pinnacle at different stages.
Like, Life infantry may be weak, but that’s because they’re not meant to fight, they’re meant to Parry in full defense, holding the line while your archers eat up the enemy.
The Air infantry make terrible infantry, because you should use them like cavalry instead. The best Fire spell harms all units on the battlefield, but Fire Mages and Elementals are resistant, making them the ideal sacrificial mercenary strike team to soften a powerful enemy army at low cost.
Chaos Stickthrowers are generally mistaken to be the worst ranged units, but their attack speed is the quickest, so they lock down powerful enemy melee units if targeting it together as a group.
There’s always a useful method to be found. Not every Faith fights best in a traditional style, and often their true strengths are meta – such as economics, mobility, recovery, or synergy.
However, the balance between preparation and tactics, skill and luck, quality vs quantity, those factors are superbly arranged.
Lords of Magic did have troubled development, it was a buggy mess that was beloved despite that, and the game wasn’t completely fixed until support was discontinued.
Steam offers the 3.01 version, however it retains one significant Unit ID bug that replaces Brownies (tiny weak scouts) in some low level battles with Pegasus Riders (absurdly strong late game tank).
To that end I completely recommend the unofficial 3.02 patch, dedicated fans took development to the finish line, removing the last bugs and improving the menu and game interface. As always, use at your own discretion.
That said, the game shines, not for it’s functional but dated graphics, but the fluff. Each and every of the 160+ spells has it’s own story text, revealing the culture, legends, and life of the people of each Faith.
Every dungeon has a serviceable description, that unveils a deeper moral ambiguity than you’d expect. Sure, some Paladin Lord of Order is expected to liberate a sacred statue from miscreants, but what of robbing and pillaging the estate of a wealthy ex-thief?
It makes no difference mechanically, but it highlights that victory is at all costs. It clearly takes influence from the Lord of the Rings, but it absolutely makes up itself. Even the building quotes hint at a rich and full culture and history for each Faith.
When it’s cheesy it’s homage to Conan the Barbarian, Tolkien, Beowulf, King Arthur, and other classics. Even the hefty manual is more narrative than tutorial.
In short, more than anything, it’s voluntarily immersive. It lets you care. It brings you in and makes it believable that there’s a whole world.
The story, the music, the atmosphere, the strategy, all are crafted together masterfully to create a cohesive and fulfilling fantasy 5x – explore, expand, exploit, exterminate, and experience.
Eschaton
Eschaton: This game had the best graphics I had ever seen on the PC when it first came out. I was 12 then and I still think the gfx are pretty good.
That was the main reason why I shelled out $40 at the time, not knowing that it would end up being one of my favorite games of all times for other reasons too.
Namely the excellent soundtrack, 3D world map that makes for interesting exploration (even though originally there was only 1 map in the game), immersive diplomacy, good thief abilities for spying on or stealing from the enemy (also it’s fun decimating weaker enemies with just 1 thief as they can ”hide in the shadows”) and a ton of spells that I never even got around to trying most of.
Many artifacts to find for the champions, although it’s often annoying to not be able to use them as they are often faith dependent.
The combat system is clunky and somewhat tedious but basically strategic with missile units and mages usually doing most of the damage.
It is often simple to trick the computer by having it chase one of your melee units around while you fire on them with missiles, and the enemy doesn’t evade well if at all.
I suppose you could have an army of mostly melee units, but you’d better find the best ones in the game because most of them are pretty weak.
The redeeming aspect of battles is the rpg-like element of experience points that levels most units (not all) up to 5, and champions much higher.
I always preferred playing as the Life faith, and it may be the easiest one to start with as they have the best missile units (archers) in the game.
A tip would be to free your great temple as soon as possible (before the first 7th day) in order to start gaining followers for gathering resources and creating new units.
New followers arrive to your empire every 7 days, depending on how much ”Fame” you have gained.
I really hope they fix the ”Pegasus bug” as I have already run across 3 of these level 8 creatures and it takes an entire army with my best champions to take one down, usually losing a couple units in the process.
Not necessarily a bad thing as it adds challenge, but I really don’t think a level 2 hamlet is supposed to spawn this creature.
I really really hope they make a Lords of Magic II, or at least an HD update for this game!
Ben
Ben: Well strategy players, RTS players, RPG players, this is it. You’re done seeking. You’re done looking for the dragon you’ve been chasing since 2001. This game is it.
It’s the ultimate piece of art that belongs next to Dwarf Fortress and Pablo Picasso’s wooden sculptures in the Modern Art Museum.
Here we have a RPG strategy with RTS elements staring us in the face, and it has been staring us in the face since 1996.
The DOOM players overlooked it and the Diablo players were so blinded by Blizzard’s genius that Lords of Magic was thrown to the wayside, never looked upon again until now.
Here we have one of the greatest video games in the past hundred years. A true diamond in the rough in which all visions of modernity have built upon and supposedly improved upon but they fall short of its greatness.